Here is what "bitter" old Dr. Harley had to say about it:

"From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. "

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Mel...you're correct, there is nothing bitter about the truth. However...She would not be here if she did not know right from wrong. What I have learned here is that reading everything she has written has been said to ME! Couple the fact that Jaded is with a much older man and I can see many triggers for my own past situation. Perhaps he's ridiculously wealthy with private jets and his own airport? What does it matter...?? I am chosing to respond with some kindness here.

For the record, I concur with MelodyLane's comments...come clean and get out of the fog, Jaded. However blunt she is being she IS making good points... I recommend that you lurk in these forums for a spell and learn. Your second post again "justifies" and it will never be accepted here. The truth is you lost your husband the moment you betrayed him. If you want him you're going to have to get him back. Cause that is what happens when he finds out. He's gone. His life has changed forever. And he will find out. This "friend" is not a friend. He never was....and some day..whether it's next week or next decade...you will realize this. Trust me....

Send, do me a favor, please. If you have issues with something someone says, address the points instead of dismissing the person as "bitter." It is a disingenuous way of dismissing someone without ever addressing their point. I don't mind if you disagree with me, but don't dismiss me out of hand by labeling me as "bitter."

I'm new here and have no real insight into why my fiance cheated, but I would encourage you to seek some kind of individual counseling. At least to gain understanding as why you have betrayed your own value system. You must be frightened too of the addictive quality and power this affair has over you... must scare you to be so out of control like that.

On a basic level, I'm sure you are a person who likes to be in control, most of us do. As others point out, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be able to choose to start a new relationship. If you can find someone better than your husband, great. From your own words though it's not a volitional choice, you say you feel driven to it. As if you have become possessed.

A trained psychologist can help you sort out (without judging you as some kind of whore) what's reak about this affair and what isn't.

I cannot identify with your position on any level and feel sad for your husband who may contract a disease without ever having a chance to protect himself. But, I do sincerely hope you seek some professional help. I'll pray for you hon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Melody..I will not threadjack here. First, you know me well enough to tell me I am disingenuous? My bitterness comment was actually directed at Bryanxx...however I seem to have struck a cord here with you and let me be the first to apologize for that. It was not intended.

You're being blunt with Jaded and I have no issue with that. Nor am I dismissing anything. There is no sugar coating the issues here. I made it clear that I concur with your assessment and recommended treatment of this. I gave her my perspective that is all.

Jaded...you need to come clean...or I assure you that your issues will not disappear...they will get worse....there really isn't much for anyone to add to this discusion is there? Jaded first step was to disclose her affair on the internet. She should come back here when she discloses her betrayal to her husband...otherwise she really is not in the right place is she?

There was my dose of bluntness...

Thanks for all the help guys. I think I'm better off getting advice from people who actually know me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />....

Jaded - sometimes people who know you are way too close to the situation...as well meaning people who know you can give advice that is well meant - but too close to the situation.

Some of the BS's on here have their views - but they are right.

I am a WS - I had an affair - just like you did, just like Whisper did.

And re-read whispers post - she is dead on. You are still too close to the A to realize this.

Ultimately - as much as I can relate to your sitch...and Whisper can, you wont get alot of sympathy here, as honestly - I sounded just like you, Whisper sounded just like you, every Wayward spouse sounds just like you...it's part of the state of mind you get yourself into when you have an affair.

The BS's are giving you good advice - NO CONTACT - whatso-ever. Tell you H, its the only way you guys will make it. And in all honesty - if you H wants to give it a shot, and you want to take the time to figure out the REAL reasons you had an affair - your needs not being met, a cycle of attention you may need, you can BETTER yourself and give your H to be all to you that John was to you. Your H can be that man - as much as you can't see it right now.

Don't make the mistake of leaving these boards too quickly - you are having an Affair - it's wrong - this is coming from someone who also had one...You can right that wrong, you can better your marriage - you can have with your H, what you have with john, but not if you aren't willing to look at the harsh reality - and the harsh reality is what these people are telling you.

Jaded if you're looking for someone to "help you" through this your way (which is not working for you or you would have never come here in the first place) I assure you it won't be hard. Hell, you'll be able to find people you call friends who will "enable" the affair for you. Most of the help you need comes from within. First you have decisions to make. I assure you that teh advcie you get here can assist you in saving your marriage.

You obviously know what your doing is wrong and part of you wants to stop. That's a good start!! Follow through, seek out some counseling for yourself where you won't be judged; but can objectively figure out what's broken inside you.
Like I said, I'll keep you in my prayers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are dead on Dorry...I need to find the reasons I'm having the affair. I am too close to it at this point. It's all very exciting and new, even though I know John pretty well. It's hard because we (John and I and my H) are all such good friends. I know John feels $hitty it too, even though he has less to lose than I. I can't put a finger on it (a good reason "why") because my husband is such a good man and has always given me unconditional love. He loves me so much, and I'm afraid that this would destroy him. I will tell him...I need to think about it more though...a lot more. It's too new now.

It will destroy him - don't be fooled. But from destruction can come a genuine recovery.

He will be angry - he will hurt you verbally, he will be devestated, he will probably be depressed...but he will find out one day on his own - would you rather be honest and genuine or add more lying to that.

It will be a HARD HARD HARD road. And it will take you months to figure out why - and you will be trying to figure out why admist the guilt and remorse you have when you look over and see your devested destroyed husband - all the man he was withered up and knowing YOU did that to him - you CAUSED him that pain. But you will keep figuring it out...and your H will be figuring things out too.

you may loose him - it may be right away - it may be months into recovery - these will be concequences to your actions. I almost lost mine, he had an A of his own 7 months into recovery. Made things even more complicated.

BUT the first step towards recovery is being honest with him, and doing this together. And don't be afraid that it will destroy him - KNOW it will destroy him. But new things can grow from ruins.

Dorry is dead on the money here, Jaded.

And while I'm a BS, not a WS, and I don't know you personally, that does not make me any less qualified in understanding what you're going through. Trust me...as I've had to help my wife come to grips with a lot of this herself.

You ARE too close to the affair to think objectively...and it's good that you can admit that. But, it doesn't prevent you from making the right choice now anyway...regardless of what you 'want'.

Talk with your husband....and work with him to decide between the two of you how you're going to handle the future of your marriage...remember it's as much his as it is yours. And your choices now directly impact that...so these things should be done jointly.

Just my thoughts.

Melody, I don't want to threadjack here, but I need clarity about some of the things you’ve said:

"Sorry folks, but there is nothing "bitter" about pointing out the truth. There is something SICK about helping her hide from it."

I have not seen anyone on this thread so far who has helped Jaded to hide from the truth. In fact, I have seen the exact opposite from everyone who has posted to this thread so far... Why have you said this Melody and who (in your opinion) has "helped her hiding from the truth"?

You do exactly the same things, use the same sick rationalizations, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not "supporting" you, they are blowing smoke up your [censored] and are not your friends."

Again Melody, why have you said this and to whom are you referring here? Again, I have not seen anyone on Jaded's thread who are supporting her rationalizations and behavior and who are "blowing smoke up her [censored]".

"Sure, there are a few who will tell you what you want to hear, because they want to be liked and won't rock the boat. But they don't give a damn what happens to you. Others, like me, will tell you the truth, because I care very much when I see a person engaged in such destructive, cruel behavior."

Melody, I think ALL FWS's and BS's who are posting here on MBers care very much when they see a person (like Jaded) engaged in such behavior...EVERY SINGLE ONE. So, who are the "few" you're referring to in your post above? I think if you make such statements, you must be specific and explain WHY you make such statements.

The posters on MBers all have different posting styles Melody. If a poster choose to use a less blunt and more 'kinder' approach than you, you don't have the right to dismiss such a person as being uncaring and "just want to be liked" by others. It's very disrespectful to make such assumptions and generalizations just because you don't like and/or agree with a specific posting style. Jade still get the truth from everyone here, through the 'blunt' AND 'kind' responses. The truth can be conveyed in different ways and through different posting styles. It’s all a matter of different styles and personal taste (and personalities) on these boards.

Threadjack over…
Suzet

Sometimes it's hard to take the emotion out of someone's posting and not take it as a personal attack because this is very much a personal situation. I appreciate all comments toward my situation, regardless of the connotation. I'll have more insight toward my situation tomorrow. Thank you for all of your prayers and support. This too shall pass...

[
Suzet, I cannot tell you how disappointed and appalled I am that no one on this thread, except Bryan, pointedly addressed her behavior and fogged out statements and stated the importance of telling her husband. [for one thing] And he was condemned as "bitter" for daring to point it out. Instead she was offered sympathy - for cruel behavior. This person, who is in dire need of some straight talk, was offered sympathy and pats on the back as if SHE were the victim. She was treated with "oh, you poor thing, who are we to judge?" There was no mention of any sympathy for her victim or any concern for his protection. All the sympathy was directed to her.

Now, folks are certainly free to mollycoddle anyone they choose, but I would assert that we are doing them a great disservice when we sit by and pat them on the back when they say silly, fogged out things and engage in destructive behavior.



The few I am referring to - I won't mention names - are the ones who offered her sympathy when she clearly needed some straight talk. The "few" are the ones who overlooked her delusional statements and instead took the easy way out rather than commenting on them. They took the easy, coward's way out. And they know who they are.


I don't think it's "kind" to molly coddle deluded folks, I think its cruel. Saying "nice" empty words does not constitute "kindness." The "kindest" thing one can do here is be as straightforward and honest as possible with others. One doesn't even have to be "blunt" to do that; what counts are the words. And I am not dismissing anyone, but I sure as hell have a right to object to their posts, and will continue to do so to those who avoid saying the tough things in favor of telling people what they think they want to hear. They are doing no one any favors.

Wow, change the names and genders and this sounds like me few years back.

I was unique, too.

The fact that you weren't looking is irrelevant and means nothing. I wasn't looking either.

I had a ton of chemistry with the OW...probably still would if I was around her. So what? I'm not married to her.

John is liar and a cheat. Admitting this means you have to admit that you are as well. You cannot fight the disease until you know it well.

You are abusing your H. It's like an undetected cancer. He's being eaten and doesn't know it.

yes, jaded...you are special...just like I was...and every other FWS on this board.

You think your H could be stepping stone to John. So then John is a stepping stone to who?

Jade, I assure you, with what I've learned here on MB I could manipulate you into believing I was your soulmate...I could become who you were meant to be with. Maybe John is just a stepping stone to me? Ooops, sorry, I'm taken.

So, if could learn to do this, doesn't this tell you something about the whole "fate" game? It's bunk.

Your relationships are what you make them. You cannot "think" or "feel" your way into them or out of them. It's what you DO that gets you there.

You kow what they say about wishing in one hand...

Low

No one needs to know you to tell you what the right thing is to do.

You are putting your husband at risk for STDs. You are making him out to be a fool(would he talk to John if he knew what you know?) You are hiding information from your husband that is crucial to his marriage. You know your relationship with John is wrong.

These are facts. You have stated them or made them clear by simply being here.

You will have to pick one or the other. You can't have both. Also, you have given your husband full reason to leave you now. If that is not what you want, all you can do is hope he won't leave and do all the things you can to rebuild his trust and love for you.

But, the first thing you have to do is choose.

Marriage. John. Then commit to it.

Either way, you will have to tell your husband what you did. No way around that.

Bad deal it was with a neighbor. Not that an affair is nice obviously, but the neighbor's close proximity will make this extremely challenging.

Sorry this is happening to you. In time I hope you will realize that you made the choice that got you here. You can make the choice to get yourself back on the right track.

good luck

I'm confused... I don't think that Jaded was offered sympathy at all.

I think that she needs to come clean to her BS right away and stay the heck away from "John". Or set her BS free so that he can find a woman who deserves him.

Patriot,

I think Jaded's husband will soon find out anyway. He probably already knows that something's up. It's only a matter of time...

These things don't stay secret very long...

John is 17 yrs older than you, Jaded. I wonder just what history he has that makes him such a wonderful catch. Has he been married? Ifg so, why did it end? Does he have children he supports?...Or not???

Is it really fate that he is your neighbor and that you were made for each other soul mates...a 'stepping stone'. What kind of character would have an affair with a friend's wife when he is out of town. If he'd do it with you...he'd probably do it to you...Oh, I forgot...you are special. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Listen to the wise folks here...both the WS and the BS's.

It is possible to have a great marriage with your H. It has to start with radical honesty.

Read the concepts and articles on this site and order Surviving an Affair. You also need understand about boundaries and how to keep yourself from getting into any further affairs down the road.

Contrary to what you believe, your A is not unique or special. You need to really examine what it is that you are getting from it that is lacking in your marriage. One big one that is obvious..is time together. One big red flag is your opportunity coupled with your weak boundaries.