I posted a few weeks ago about how to get strong and got great advice that I was really trying. But I must be the stupidest person on earth because I screwed up again and let him know my feelings.

My DD has been saying things like "Do you love Daddy?" and then shen tells me that Daddy thinks I'm a B!t@h. It just breaks my heart, so I call him to discuss this with him and end up in tears. He says what do you want from me and of course i tell him I want him to save the M. We talk about what could be done and what wasn't done the first time we tried. He ends up saying that it was late and perhaps we need to talk soon. Ok stupid me gets up hope. Well this was Wed and Sat when he picks up DD he is rude to me. When I ask why he said he's not, but states we have NOTHING to talk about.

STUPID--- Why can't I learn? This is the pattern. I start to get strong, he seems to see it, then he gets nice, I fall for it and expose my feelings. He sees I'm still waiting and becomes an idoit and hurts me again. Ok I see this, but I keep repeating the cycle. Aparently the new GF is so wonderful and he wants the D. So why can't I accept this and let go?

So is it ok if I email him stating that I want nothing to do with him. All communication should be done through email. He can still call DD, but I will not talk. When she is done I will hang up. This will not hurt me in custody will it? I mean I still will be communicating any important issues thru email, but I just don't want to talk. When he picks up DD, I plan either to not be here or I will refuse to speak. I know that this is sort of a Plan B - during the D, but it really is to protect me. I do not want him to have the opportunity to pull me in again only to step on my face and laugh about it.

I'm just going thru so many emotions. I love him, but then I hate him. All in a matter on minutes. I feel I need to remove myself before I crumble. I don't know how much more I can take.

I think that maybe the only way I can heal is if I don't see him, then I don't need to be reminded of his good points. He will tell me that I am being stupid and immature, but that is easy for him to say. He let me go and moved on like I didn't matter at all. So if I go to a Plan B, will it hurt me if we go to court for custody?

Why should it hurt you? I doubt very much that refusing to speak to him over the phone or in person will hurt you.

Telling your daughter that her mother is a [censored] could hurt him though. The court doesn't like that kind of nonsense. It makes them wonder if the parent has any sense.

Lucky, I know you're hurting. You want this man to value you and treat you with respect. But, honestly, he doesn't. He's either playing you or he's caught between you and OW and doesn't have the you-know-whats to stand up to OW. However, my money is on the first. He's manipulating you.

Send him a letter -- hard copy, snail mail letter -- and copy your lawyer on it. Put it right there at the bottom of the letter cc: Luckystar's kick a lawyer.

Make the letter a business letter through and through. Run it by us FIRST! We'll help you edit it.

You can only go so far as to say "You still care for him and want to recover the marriage, but having contact with him is too painful. Therefore, you will do a, b, and c."

I'd end it with "Cordially." SOrt of sets the right tone don't you think? As in Cordial Divorce? As in, I loathe and despise you, but I'm being proper.

Lucky:

I don't think you're stupid, you were just sharing with him the way you feel and I don't think it's stupid to love your husband and try to mend your marriage.

I do however, think that HE'S stupid thinking that you will always be there for him, waiting on him to make up his mind.


Maybe he becomes an idiot because he doesn't feel the same way you do and he figures if he treats you badly you'll get angry and let go.

I had a friend who was getting a divorce from his wife and every time he was nice to her she would assume that everything was going to go back to the way they were.

He told me once that he finally had to treat her badly just to get her to accept the situation and let him go.

Maybe, that's what's happening with your STBX. Maybe he sees you are getting stronger and feels like you're handling the situation and then when you talk to him about repairing the marriage he tries to hurt your feelings so you can go back to being the strong you.

Just something for you to think about.

Hope I've been of some help.

Good luck.

Only

GreenGables,
Thank you again for your constant support. I have family in from CA, so things have been crazy, but I want to write that letter. I think it is a great idea. I will post it for proofing.

Onlyoneme
Thanks for sharing your prospective. It is possible that he sees me getting strong and feels we can be friends, but do friends check each other's underwear to see what they are wearing and do they want back massages from them. These are the boundries that he has crossed. I don't see him doing them as much lately so maybe he is really moving on.

My MIL thinks that H is still conflicted. She said that he still remembers good things about me and great times we have had together, but he was also unhappy for a long time.

But regardless, I AM MOVING ON (at least that is what I keep telling myself that I need to do). H came to get DD tonight and I had an aunt at the house and he didn't even speak. I ignored him and simply got DD ready. He is being cold, but I guess I am too. I don't want to get friendly. It is easier for me if I dislike him. Perhaps that is the only way I can heal.

Thanks again for your help. Suggestions on the letter would be great. Hopefully I will have time to write it soon even with all the family things happening

Hi Lucky:

Healing takes time, it's all about you.

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You are not stupid! You are hurting and dealing with things the best you know how.
Hold your head up high and take care of you! Let your WS deal with what he's done while you move on and make yourself a better person.

Hey Lucky,,,

You're doing the best you can in a yucky situation. No shame or harm in that.

I would encourage you to stop the vicious cycle that you're on tho', as you've noted in your own analysis. The trick is to break the cycle, and in your case, it seems like stopping extraneous communication with your H would be the best first step. If plan B is ultimately what you decide to do, then so be it...

It would give you some time to collect yourself back together...

I really wanted to write the formal letter as GG suggested, but time did not allow it. H called 10 times in a row yesterday. I had my DD answer the first 2, but she didn't really want to talk. Anyway he wanted to talk to me about when he could see DD. He doesn't seem to want to follow any visitation schedule. I emailed him saying that I will only communicate with him thru email.

Amazing that when I become the "b!t@h" how strong I feel. Thanks again for the support. I just hope that I can remain focused and not allow him to pull me back in. At this point, he seems to care less that I don't want to talk to him.

My friend suggested that I may have allowed co-depentency. I know that has been mentioned here in different posts. Are there any great books about it?