My WH has hit bottom after a 4-year affair. The life he built for himself on lies has suddenly collapsed, and he wants to take me up on my offer to start a new life together in a totally new location.

We live in Switzerland, and we left our suburban CA life 6.5 years ago. I was the one with the job, while he became a househusband/stay-at-home dad in our tiny village in the hinterlands. Mistake! My H's self-esteem plummeted, and he was ripe for the advances of an opportunistic village woman who saw this "exotic" foreign man as a way out of her own loveless marriage.

I don't know that my H's self-esteem was so strong to begin with even, but in the past four years it has sunk to such lows, and my H, in the interests of clinging to this woman who showed him such great sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> has been really swimming against the tide -- trying to build a career and life in a place in which all the cards were stacked against him (language, culture, job requirements, etc.).

In the meantime, I, with my teenage son, have been building my own life in a city 120 km away. Now my son will go off to college in the US this fall, and I want to return to the States. I even have a good job prospect back in the US. Well... guess whose dominoes have all fallen at the same time and who wants to return with me and try to resuscitate our marriage?

Throughout my H's affair, I have been telling him that I still wanted our marriage and that I would wait for awhile for his fog to lift. We tried to jumpstart our marriage last March, but the OW lurked in the background, and we weren't successful in the "passion" department -- small wonder, most would say. After we parted company again, we said we would remain friends, which we have. When I started my job search in the US, his ears pricked up, as he was having troubles in his own job and was beginning to feel that he just wanted to go back home. He made noises about accompanying me home. This has been going on now for weeks. Yesterday, he gave me as close a commitment as he ever has to "working on" our marriage in our new location. I am very happy -- but nervous. I want us to try again on the soil of our homeland, surrounded by a support system which has been sorely lacking here, but I am afraid to commit too much to this recovery. For example, I don't want to comingle our monies yet. I want us to be open to the possibility that this might not work, yet I really want it to work.

I am also not sure how much my WH is doing this for convenience... I don't trust him completely for obvious reasons, but I also know that the Harleys say moving to a new environment is often the best antidote for an affair.

My question is: Do we have a chance? Has anybody tried this after such a long-term affair? My H is also really broken down and depressed, and it will take years to get "deprogrammed", I believe. But I love him, and we've got 30 years of history. Many friends say that going back to familiar turf is exactly what our M needs. Any thoughts?

You know, I could really tell you what I feel about this, but CLEARLY this is not what you are looking for. Please RE-READ just the passages that I have copied above from your post, and pretend that it was me who was asking you to interpret it from my own situation. What would you TELL me?

Now, if you are looking for someone to tell you to go for the reconciliation and let your WH back, you will most surely find someone here who interprets his "almost near committment" as that he wants to recover the marriage and how beatutiful the marriage can be now that the OW is out of the picture.

Please be honest about what advice you are truly looking for here. It seems to me that your mind is already made up to take him back.

Please remember that without fail, you get in this life what you pay for. IN your case, if you take him back under these pretenses, you will indeed have a "sour" taste in your mouth someday. Just my thoughts, take em or leave em.

BOL,

SOur...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am still new and having a lot of problems myself, so am not in a position to be able to give you any experienced advice, but I have met a few couples who were separated (or divorced) for 5 years and decided to get back together. One of the couples actually had a wedding again. So I know such things DO exist. They are happy together now, but are working very hard on their relationships and continuing to go to church and counseling sessions on a regular basis.

Frankly,

You do have a very good chance, but it will take some work on both of your parts. You have been away from one another for a long time. HOWEVER, you understand the causes of affair, and I suspect you understand your role in the marriage deteriorating as it did. Further, you two have remained married despite a long separation which suggests that you BOTH have a lot of love for one another.

I would suggest you consider several things. He can return to the US whenever he wants to with or without you. My guess he only remained in Europe because your child was there and now the child is returning to US. You remained for your OWN purposes, and now you are returning to US for your OWN reasons.

Frankly the person that should be worried is your H, because it seems your career trumps all other considerations. I may be wrong but it is something you two need to really address.

My suggestion that you consider reconciling AFTER you both move back and have gotten to know one another, and that means separate living arrangements for awhile at least. You two need to learn to live together again. You need to address any residual resentment and lack of trust, and he needs to become comfortable that you truely want him in your life. I get the impression from your post his main role was baby sitter for the kids as your pursued your career?

I may sound harsh on you, but you see when men come here in YOUR situation, they are told pretty much the same thing, quit focusing on the career and start focusing on the marriage.

So go slow, do some reading here, and given what you have said I do think there is a chance for you two, perhaps better than either of you realize. I will also point out that even if NOTHING had happened your marriage would change as your child is NOW OUT OF THE HOUSE. So this is a new start in many ways. Give it some thought.

God Bless

JL

Yes, Lemonman, it could be that this husband of mine is as opportunistic as that woman who wanted to hang an exotic American man on her arm -- that he wants to piggyback on my return to America for the purposes of freight/having a place to stay in return for a pretty flimsy commitment to "work on" the marriage. Perhaps my thinking is fanciful -- but in some respects I got him into this mess by bringing him here. Some would say it's a civil thing to do to get him back home.

I don't know that things will work there, but they're definitely not going to work here. This place feels poisonous --I work in the small village where the affair took place, and everybody seems to know about it. We stand out like sore thumbs as it is, but adding this scandal to an already difficult situation has made both of us want to run and hide.

OK, perhaps I have made up my mind to give him one last chance in the US where we had 20+ happy years. I just think my siutation is unusual in that we put ourselves into an unbelievably difficult position by coming here (suburb to remote village, new language, very traditional although we had reversed roles, with teenage son attending village school in non-mother tongue, no support system). We were each drowning -- I coped in my own not particularly constructive way. I have been told that such a situation becomes a "tinderbox" for the expat family. Most such couples end up divorcing. We will most certainly do better when we get onto familiar turf. Removing the woman from the picture is, of course, step 1, but the culture is also a force to be reckoned with. It's very critical, judgmental, and negative in some ways, and my normally upbeat nonjudgmental H has become all of these. After being so proud of how he had "integrated" (due to the OW), he actually admitted the other week that perhaps this culture is doing him harm. That's why I talk about deprogramming -- I feel like my H has been in a cult. Does this sound strange or am I the delusional one?

Member,

No you don't sound strange and I think you understand your situation and your H's very well. Since you are still married, come home, AND then figure out what to do. You both will have some adjusting to do, and your H more if he has been out of the work force for a long while.

As I said earlier, I think there is a lot of hope as long as you two have hope and can openly communicate to one another.

Please read the information on this site and offer it to your H to read as well. It will help you both.

God Bless,

JL

Do you still want him? If so, then you need to have the control in this case. I would keep everything seperate. If he wants to go home with you, why not just date and see how things go. Let him get an appartment next to yours and see. Go to the same city, after all, you are free. Your son is in school. What do YOU want?

And yes, it can work after that long. Sometimes a it is just that, a MLC that has left a torment of pain. It is how much you are willing to risk that counts. If he was a good mate before the affair and it was his only, then maybe it is worth a look, but ONLY on your terms.

Member-

I would ask yourself what your boundaries are and what he would have to do to meet those (and enforce them). What do you need to believe in him and to be willing to recover? What do you want? Think this through. This may be the last time you give him a chance, so you want it to work this time.

For example (these are merely options)-

1. Dating each other exclusively
2. Separate residences and $$
3. Marriage counseling
4. NC letter to OW
5. transparency
6. IC for him
7. what is his strategy for WD?
8. both of you complete ENs questionaires
9. he reads SAA
10. STD testing now and 6 mos after you are away from OW

The way this would look to me is that you move back home, take care of yourself, but have him court you. Maybe Plan A him a bit, but he also needs to prove to you his level of commitment. I would first have him explain why he wants this now. That will help you determine where he stands with all this. Then, if you are satisfied, I would date him maybe once-twice/week and you make sure those times are enjoyable. Nothing too serious. He is proving to you he is worth taking back and you are showing him you are a different woman (have you worked on the things that you need to?).
You make a life for yourself and do not pin all your hopes on him. You exercise, eat right, go out with friends, etc. Become strong on your own two feet, so if you take him back it is because you want to, not because you have to/need him. You make yourself an attractive choice. He needs to know that the things about your M that he did not like will be addressed too, so get to work on those things too. You can also try to meet his top ENs.
I think this has an excellent chance if you do it right. Don't just fling the door open and take him back. He has to prove to you a lot before you will let him move back in and have full priviledges. Take it slow and sure and I think things should go well. We are talking months, not weeks.

Good Luck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />