Okay....I started a new thread because I'm sure I'm confusing the **** out of everyone with my current thread...which started out being "Now he filed on me...(I think) and ended up being "Called the OW" now it's not even about that anymore........

Lemon....you wrote:



Yeah, I've been looking for my marriage for about a year now....I still can't find it, but I'm still looking. It's alot like looking for a needle in a haystack, only it's closer to looking for a piece of hay in a fricken needle stack.

And Kandi you wrote:



Yes, I understand what a dissolution is, and I was frankly P.O.ed at the time.

My emotions are all over the board, I was hurt that he'd gone and seen the lawyer, and really was thinking *****this crazy ****, what am I doing, I could find someone who appreciates me!!!

My friends keep saying dump him and find someone that can support you......yes *SUPPORT* me, so I guess I'm on the lookout for a sugar daddy or something...it's all so romantic.

He honestly thinks we're still going to have a relationship after the dissolution. That he loves me, that I'll always be in his heart, and that one day down the road we'll get back together........well that's insane, isn't it? Why on God's green earth would we do that?!?!?!?! We should either work on it or not work on it, but he doesn't make any freakin sense at all.

I'm no longer walking on eggshells Lemon, I have been saying how I feel. We played nicey, nicey while his son was here, but then it felt to me like we were just playing house.....and I said "This is retarded, what are we doing?"

When I approach him he says "I don't want to end up hating you". So that's why he still snuggles with me at night, and kisses me before he leaves and still has SF with me every other day??? Just so we'll be friends when we get divorced???

Does anyone else find this strange??????????????? (I know you do...I'm being sarcastic)

This compounded by the fact that he wants to know where I am 24 hours a day, and says "You are still my wife until the papers are signed" when I make plans on my own.

I talked to him today, and I said "Listen, I just got my paycheck, do you want to deposit it and put it toward the bills??" He said "No, you keep your money", I said "Well, no matter what we end up deciding, we have to pay the utilites"

I told him that I can't even get any utilities in my freaking name...Yeah, my credit is that screwed....so we'd at the very least have to file bankruptcy, he said "We can do that down the road" WTF?! We can't do it after we're divorced....AND what, am I supposed to live in a damn box in the interim?

NEITHER of us can afford this.....he can't afford to pay these bills on his own...not for any length of time, and I can't afford to live on my own with 2 kids, even when I do find a better paying job.

I don't understand why he doesn't just get the stupid money back from the lawyer and pay the bills up and see how he feels about things a little further down the road.

He literally said that he thinks that I'm right, that he'll regret this someday.......WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The stupid OW isn't even in the picture anymore.....she thinks he's an A-hole.

He says "I just don't want to be married" But it's NOT because he wants to date anyone, because he doesn't.....Okay....so I love you, but I don't want to be married to you, but I don't want to date anyone else...I said "Okay....you're a normal man, right? You're going to eventually get horny, and what are you going to do about that if you're not going to date anybody??? What are you gonna do, just troll bars for one night stands??" He said "WHY? Is that what you're gonna do???" I said "No....." Then he said "I have a hand".......

Do you see the type of logic I'm dealing with?!?! Should I just accept the fact that he says he doesn't want to be married anymore and say "Oh, okay....we'll let's get divorced then"

Now he's come up with a totally NEW one....he says WAYYYY Back before I moved out, when we were having problems, and he was poo-pooing the MC idea and wouldn't really talk about the problems, I approached him and said "Mark, if we don't work on this we're going to end up divorced." He is now saying THAT I BROUGHT DIVORCE UP....That it was me, that saying that was a threat. WTF?!?! That wasn't a threat, I was attempting to relay the gravity of the situation to him, not threaten him.

Okay...now here I am, I've made all these changes to accomodate his EN's, now he changes the playing field, or says it's too late.

And even if I did go ahead and give him the dissolution, I can't even fricken afford to live on my own, and I'm certainly not gonna get any spousal support from him and based on his income and mine the child support he'd pay is like 260 a month. WE CAN'T AFFORD TO GET DIVORCED anyway you fricken slice it.

There are so many things that factor into it I can't even get them all down at the same time. I love him....right or wrong, I do love him. Neither one of us has any money. We have a child together. I've spent the last 13 years of my life with him, and it's hard to just chuck that. I'm 37 years old.....and I don't ****want to start again, I don't want to date again, this is such astronomical ********.

What do you suggest?? I give him the divorce, get on welfare and live in a slum?

I really feel like running away, and not dealing with this at all, too bad I can't afford that either.

-Caren

Caren,

Wow! Take a breath! I can see why you are frustrated. You have stayed the course for so long through some very frustrating circumstances.

Of course you know I don't have all the answers, but I do have some questions...


What do you want?
If you can't have that (if it's not all up to you), then what do you want? What do you want for YOU?
What are your boundaries (when is enough enough)?

Maybe it's time for plan C (plan Caren) because your situation never seems to change. From an observer's perspective, it just cycles. It appears as though every time you pull away, he ropes you back in and the cycle simply repeats.

What is the payoff?

I ask this because maybe removing yourself from the cycle for a moment and logically examining the payoff from both your's and Mark's perspectives would give you a clearer vision of how to stop this cycle.

LOL They edited out ****

You know me too well Froz....I whipped myself right into a panic attack typing that thread, had to take a xanax and shut myself in my room for about a 1/2 hour.

How does one remove oneself from the cycle? I have no clue how to do it.

I love him, but he makes me nuts........Maybe it's a competitive thing to me, I have to be the winner, I don't think that's it, but it could be. If I can't be EXCELLENT at something, I simply won't do it, I don't do anything 1/2 way.....as you may have noticed, I throw myself into what I'm doing with everything I've got.

I'm a fixer....I know this about myself, and when I can't fix something it makes me insane. I can't seem to fix this, I can't let it go.

-Caren

(((( Caren ))))

Wait til tomorrow morning, hon. Maybe it will be clearer then or it may have even changed some.

You know you are not alone.

Take care - carnation

Caren,

Lol on the editing...you pottymouth!


You examine the payoff for both of you for keeping the cycle going. I don't know your reasons.

I don't know him, but I can guess at some of the obvious ones.

If the cycle continues, he gets to remain in control of you and of the situation. As long as the cycle continues, he has all the cards. He remains in control of your emotions, your actions, he still gets to continue his negative behaviors towards the marriage and he knows what to expect. That could be a possible payoff for him.

What is yours? What are your boundaries? What is it that you REALLY want for yourself and how far are you willing to go to get it? CAN you get it from this relationship? Is this a marriage where your needs can be met too? If the answer is yes, then I will ask WILL you get it? If the answer is you don't know, how long are you willing to wait, and at what cost to yourself?



I know you want to fix it, but a marriage takes two people working. You can't fix him. You have done an awful lot of fixing YOU, but you can't control him. Therein lies the problem, IMO.

Your friends think you are not capable of supporting yourself?


I don't understand this at all... (?)


Again... Why couldn't you?
I know women with 3-4 children living alone and providing for them...

How old are your children?
Teenagers can have some part-time jobs to help a bit...
And, IMHO, I think it's an excellent way to raise the children...


And again... (Why?)

I'd suggest you First find a better paid job, or make some financial plans with money you earn now.
You could work and study together to get a profession or a better paid job (I did that for 5-6 years, 15-16 working&studying hours per day, and it was more difficult then it would be for you for English is my second language and aftere those 6 years I still have problems communicating, and you apsolutely have not!)

You'd feel better, you won't be obssesive about him/M, your kids will be happier with new pleased with herself mom, and, after that, if you wish run you would be able to... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


So, listen to my advise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm so sad, I don't want to be alone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Not just not alone, but without him, and that's what it's going to be, my life if going to be without him. That's the only answer I have left. I'm going to have to go ahead and divorce him.

I applied for a job yesterday, it's a clerical job, I type 80 wpm, probably 60 accurately. The job supposidly pays $11.00 per hour, so keep your fingers crossed on that one. It has really good insurance and all that.

I am making a stipulation of the divorce (Be it dissolution, or divorce) that we file for bankruptcy....we have to, I have to be able to re-establish my credit.

But then I think of how much my little girl is going to miss her Daddy, how my family is just shattered into little tiny pieces.....it sucks.

I can't make him stay with me, I can't make him be in love with me.

I'm so scared, I'm so sad.

This is happening, I can't fight it anymore, I don't have any energy left with which to do it.

He goes to see his lawyer tommorrow, and I tossed the idea around of obtaining my own counsel....but if it's a dissolution, then what's the point...that only takes one lawyer, and it's not as if we have any assets to divide up...we don't.

I'm so scared........I feel so alone.

And Dating?!?! I can't even fathom dating again, I really can't. I don't even want to think about it.

And holidays.....It's all so sad.

If I get this job, (Which I know someone who works for the company, and she thinks I have a good shot) I would be making 11.00 per hour, minus taxes and whatever is taken out for insurance. Then I receive 130 dollars per month child support from DD13's dad, and according to the child support calculator, I would be getting somewhere in the neighborhood of 260 dollars from him. The child support calculator is at http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/Childsupport/ if anyone is interested.

This is crap...it's 7:26 am, I don't have to be up for another 2 hours....but here I am.

-Caren

Try to not dwell on the sad things...they WILL come up. No sense dragging yourself through the mud over issues that will surely knock you down when they ACTUALLY occur.

You'll have to deal with it...no escaping the unpleasantries, I am sorry to say.

When I was a kid, I HATED hominy! So every time that hominy was on my plate, I would shovel it down as fast as I could, so I could enjoy the rest of my dinner.

You've gotta eat your hominy...it isn't going away.

Get through it as quickly as possible.

Chin up...be a ROCK for your kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

I will give it my utmost to be a ROCK for my kids.

And the MBers that know me, know that this is a far cry from the way I used to be, I was a basket case when this all started, I cried uncontrollably, was suicidal/homicidal, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I was just thrashing around in pain.

I've made it to just be profoundly sad about it, not suicidal, not even close to suicidal.

I have to accept it, but I don't have to like it.

-Caren

P.S. MMMMMMMMMMMMM I like hominy, my Mom used to fry it in bacon grease......maybe I need some hominy LOL!!!!

Perhaps thinking about it in different terms would help lighten your load...

For instance, if divorce/dissolution is inevitable - you never know what exciting things could be ahead for you. Right now, you know exactly what to expect from the marriage and it isn't tons of fun. Try to think of it as an opportunity for new and exciting things ahead for you.

You have learned many things and grown so much. So long as you continue to make good choices, you have many wonderful opportunities laid out before you. It is sad to see your marriage end, yes, but Caren...you have done EVERYTHING you could and THAT, my friend, makes you a success.

He goes to see his lawyer tommorrow, and that's all I've been able to think about all day, it's depressing, he keeps asking me *what's wrong?* I keeping saying nothing....he knows better than that.

I went by his shop after work, took him by his blackberry sprite, and he was saying "You got any plans for tonight?" I said "No, not really" He didn't say anything for a minute, then I said "Oh, like the plans I had yesterday?" (We had planned on having SF last night, but we watched the movie Constantine, and it was around 1am when it was over and he was too tired). He said "Yeah...." I just looked at him. I could feel the tears coming, so I said "I'll talk to you later".

I got to my car, and started crying....I sat there in my car parked crying (He couldn't see me, I was parked on the other side of a van) I probably sat there for like 5 minutes, trying to compose myself.....then I pulled forward out of the parking spot, and he was standing at the door looking at me, I sort of gave a lame wave and kept going.

When I got home he'd called and told the girls to have me call him back, I waited for a while, then I called him back, he said "Baby, what's wrong?" I said "You know what's wrong" He said "You said you wouldn't do this..." I said "I said I wouldn't be sad?" He said "No" I said "I'm sorry" He said "Sorry for what?" I said "For crying", he said "You don't have to apologize for crying". I said "I'm gonna get off here" He said "okay" He said "bye" I said "bye"...but he apparently didn't hear me, because he called right back and said "You can't even tell me goodbye?" I said "I did" He said "Oh, I didn't hear you" I said "Well I did" He said "Oh okay....have you gone to the store?" I said "No, I'm going here in a little while"...he said "Okay, well I'll talk to you later"

I'm just too sad today.

-Caren

Caren - I want to write soemthing but we keep having real bad t-storms here. So I'll try this real quick. Honey you have been through so much. It's time to take care of you and your children. I know you have worked harder than anyone I know. But you and the kids need stablity now. You must be the one to get it. He will always be around for his D. Sometimes when we give them what they want and we walk away that is when they realize they made a mistake. I told my H last fall after i found my proof of his well hidden A. That i was leaving and D him. He turned aorund over night. So do not let him know you are crying and tell him you wish him well. If he does want to get back to gether you might want reall MC before doing that again. You are smart, pretty and a great person Honey. I someone doesn't want you I would not beg and he may see crying as begging. I'd tell him see ya. I want a new life.

Caren, you know I love you right? (well maybe you dont since i really dont come around or post much anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) But I do read your updates and i gotta wonder, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU GIVING THIS MAN EVERYTHING HE WANTS!!!!?? You still do everything he wants ie: bringing him his soda, telling him everything your doing or gonna do, having sex with him everynight and the man is DIVORCING you so he can be single and keep you as his "girlfriend!" I had a different word to use but ill be nice. You do not see a problem with this?! I honestly think that if you w2ant to try and stop whats happening here, you need to show him how things will be if you divorce, and I hope to god they dont continue like they are. Arent you tired of this man trying to make you feel guilty about past things that you cannot change? Oh yeah, everything is all your fault, right? Get real. You have got to be one of the strongest women i have ever encountered and yet you are a jellyfish where H is concerned. Maybe this thread ticks me off because I now see where I went wrong in my fight for my H. I did the same as you, was always accountable to H about where i was and what i was doing and his reasoning was the same as your H's. your still my wife and as long as you are your going to do what I say! or his other favorite I support you therefore you need to be available to me at all times! and he was also threatening me with divorce, if say i went out with friends, didnt call him, or rocked the boat with his fat "ho. The only way i broke free of that is when I showed him what it was to NOT have me in his corner backing him up. So now we are reconciled and its better now than it ever was! I want that for you too, the woman who has fought harder than anyone I know and made so many positive changes in herself. Ill leave you alone now, I hope your not mad at me for this post. Bye!


p.s after my H came to my house, threatening D, went to see his lawyer, left me crying face down on the floor for 4 hours, he calls me to tell me "but why are you crying, I still love you" I practically choked when he said that, what unmitigated GALL the man had, he proceeds to tell me, dont worry I didnt file yet, dont cry, you know I love you unconditionally right? and stupid me I hung on for dear life to the smallest signs that he still loved me and that we would get back together, I regret every minute of it now. If I had put my foot down sooner, i coulda saved myself MONTHS of pure agony. I know though, its so hard to do ANYTHING when this stuff is happening to you. It seems so clear when your on the outside looking in.

Caren,
I'm more of a lurker and don't have much better advice than most but I ball my eyes out everytime I read your posts!

I see similarities in our stories and my heart breaks for you because I know how it feels. I did the same things you are doing.

When my H decided he wanted to be single 3 years ago, I was devastated! Our sons and I didn't see much of him but I would call and beg him to come home. I cried all the time and always told him I loved him. I would always answer his phone calls and was always there when he needed his "fix". I thought that would bring him home.

My counselor told me I needed to "buck up". I stopped answering all his calls. The boys and I always had something else to do. Didn't have much $$ so we would go to the park, visit friends, go out for ice cream. It killed him when I took the kids fishing!! (he didn't think I knew how!) I even went to a male strip show with friends! (paid for a few lap dances, too! WHOOHOO!) I even became unavailable for SF. He would get mad and sometimes he wouldn't call for a few days.

While I was doing this, I also became pretty dang strong! I wasn't crying as much (the nights still killed me!) and I felt much better about myself. When we did talk, I know longer talked about our R. I kept conversations short and I kept my chin up. He noticed.

After about 6 weeks of the new ME, his mother came to visit from out-of-town and we all went to the water park. That night, he showed up at the house at 11:00pm crying. He wanted to come home. You know what? I honestly did not have an answer for him! I had come to realize that I could make it without him, I didn't need him! I had been feeling much better about myself and knew that if he wanted to come home, major changes had to be made. I couldn't answer him until we talked.

He's been home for 3 years. He has been the best father and H he can be. I do know, though, that if he hadn't come home, I'd be okay. I'd be okay if he left tomorrow.

I'm saying, Caren, that "making love" to him whenever he wants isn't bringing him back to you. Try a little reverse psychology. If that doesn't bring him back, you will become a stronger and more independent woman and you won't care as much.

God Bless!

Tatertot

*Sigh*

Well I haven't heard anything about the job I applied for I am praying that I get it. It pays 11 dollars an hour, which is big bucks to me. (I know it's not really, but after the crappy jobs I've had it seems wonderful).

I am also waiting to hear about this condo to rent for 580, that is cheap cheap cheap for around here. I asked my 20 year old if she wanted to move back in, and she said she did, but I don't know if she really needs the burden of paying bills while in college, when she is welcome to stay with my Mother.

I am going to move out. I don't have a thing....I have the kids bunk bed, a washer/dryer, and a TV. No furniture, as I had to give it all away to move back in with H (I gave it to my daughter, I'm sure she'd let me use it. But I'd still have to buy all new dishes, I don't have a dining room table...heck TV Trays would be okay with me.

I'm going to move out even before this whole D thing is very far underway......and he's not getting any booty calls. He's gonna see what divorcing me is really gonna be like.

You are all right. If this doesn't make him see the light, nothing will, and I'll just live my life.

I'm not gonna cry anymore in front of him, I've done that, he knows how I feel, and which makes him hold out future hope for us to *date* after we're D'd.

-Caren

Caren...all I can say is you will get through all of this in time. I'll keep you in my prayers. HUGS to you!!!

Why can't I stop loving him? WHY?!?! I can't do it.......it's breaking my heart.

So I'll just pretend............fake it until you feel it, right?

I'm going to be sad for the rest of my life

-Caren

*hugs* Caren I feel your pain, Lord knows I do.
I can't offer any advice, just know your not alone.
Danielle

Caren, no one expects you to stop loving the man you married and spent a good chunk of your life with, we just dont want him using your love against you in order to "have his cake and eat it too". You wont be sad 4 ever, your too beautiful and smart for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Its going to take a little time but you'll get stronger, as long as you stop living your life for him while he's acting like this.

Wanna bet?