Hi everyone, I’ve been struggling to deal with this issue on my own but recently came across this board, so I thought I’d go ahead and ask for advice. I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years. We were very close friends for a year before we started dating, and he really is my best friend, even though that sounds cliché. We have a deep emotional and spiritual bond and love each other very much, we love to do the same things, we can talk for hours, and as far as our relationship goes, we have only one major problem: my past.

Even though we are both virgins, my fiancé had never really dated anyone before he met me other than group dates. As a result, he had never held hands, kissed, etc before meeting me. I, on the other hand, dated guys before we met, none of them serious and most less than 1 month. I was never emotionally attached to any of them and was never “in love.” It was during my college years, and I was insecure and felt that I needed to be dating someone. This means that before I met my fiancé I had kissed and made out with about 13 guys. Even though we never had sex or anything close to it, this included some upper body heavy petting with a few of the guys and heavy kissing. I realized that I had gone farther than I wanted too with one guy and felt guilt for it at the time (before even meeting my fiancé), and set firmer boundaries for myself after that. This all occurred during my first 3 years of college. After college I didn’t date anyone until my fiancé because I had higher standards for myself and was waiting for someone who I was really compatible with instead of just being in a relationship for the sake of having a boyfriend.

Before we started dating, I never realized that my previous experiences might be a problem for my boyfriend. He knew that I had kissed someone before, and I assumed if he ever wanted to know more about my past, he would ask. I guess I just thought it wasn’t a big deal. Well, after we had been dating for a little over a year, he stumbled across the fact that with previous guys I had done more than just a quick peck on the lips. We had a very traumatic week during which he needed to know everything that happened and I tried to remember things that I had not thought of for over 3 years. I told him how many guys I had made out with and the extent of what had happened. He was very hurt and didn’t know if he could continue with the relationship at the time, but after our emotions calmed down he realized that he loved me too much to give up and we could work it out. Other than this issue, we are almost perfectly suited for each other. He has had some issues with forgetting what happened even though he has forgiven me, and sometimes things such as a kissing scene in a movie or something else will remind him of what happened and he will be upset for a day or so until he can push it back out of his mind. I really regret what I did in college because it was pointless and just not worth all the pain it is currently causing both of us, and would obviously take it back if I could.

I guess I have two questions: first, how can I help him in this process of trying to move on with our relationship? He sincerely wants to work through this issue and is trying everything to move on and let the past be past, but still has problems picturing me with other guys when something reminds him of it.

My other question deals with myself: during the week that I told him what had happened it was obviously a highly stressful and highly emotional time for both of us, and I was trying to tell him things that I had pushed to the back of my mind and had honestly not thought about for 3 years while dealing with the relationship stress at the same time. The problem is, now I feel guilt for details that I left out of my revelation to him and I don’t know if I should open that book again when he is so desperately trying to forget it or if they even mean anything. The stuff seems stupid to me, for instance, 2 guys having their shirt off while I was kissing them instead of 1, or other things of the same nature. I want to be honest with him, but I also don’t want to give him unnecessary details that could only make the images of me with other guys worse. I guess what I am looking for is how to best help him get over this and whether I should feel guilt about the little details he doesn’t know or whether they are really not important as long as he knows how many guys I kissed and how far I went in general with them.

I’m sorry this is so long, thank you for reading it. I’d appreciate any help you can offer.

-Sunflower

A few suggestions.

o) Don't add fuel to the fire by bringing up more of the past, because it doesn't change anything, and the past is the past. You weren't his GF then, you weren't cheating on him, you and he didn't have a romantic relationship, so it's not really germane.

o) It's almost like he has you up on this pedestal of womanly perfection, and you've shown a few cracks or chinks and it's shaken up his whole view of you. I'm not sure that's a really very healthy perspective to have.

o) Ultimately, you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't have sex with these guys, and unless you lied to him in this whole process, then he really is just going to have to accept that parties come into a relationship with the past being what it is, baggage and all, and you either love them in spite of it.

o) It sounds like an issue that he needs to work through, and I'm not sure you can really help him, because he has to accept you as you are. Bringing up the past and filling in additional details or corrections just keeps starting the cycle over again. I think you need to draw that firm boundary around discussions of your past, and say "no more". You've shared a reasonable amount,
it's time for the "forgiveness (such as it is)" to take place, and the relationship needs to move forward.

It's almost like he views it as infidelity. Or some breach of non-existent trust. You may want to read the material on this site related to recovering marriages after infidelity and restoring trust. Some of it may be applicable to your relationship.

One thing you should stop now tho is *you* having guilt. Perhaps you made some mistakes, so be it. Perhaps you did some things that looking back, you wish you hadn't done. so be it. But those things in the past aren't the person you are now. You said yourself you "changed", set higher standards, and held to them. So focus on your accomplishemnts, not your failures.

Don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.....you may now feel that some of your actions were mistakes but its really nothing that monumental.
If this is something that is going to send your relationship on a rocky road, better to learn this now better than later.
I wouldn't give any more details if he didn't ask for them.
NO GUILT should be felt...
I have said it before, I will say it again. You love him and he loves you. Everything before that doesn't matter. Everything is different because of love....IT really doesn't matter. Why dwell on the past when you can't change it!!