I have spoken to WH and he went to his CO and cofirmed his A and he was given the chance to end it. He did. He is going to start counseling for his other substance abuse.

WH told me last night that OW reminds him alot of his high school sweetheart and that was the main reason why it was so easy for him to think he was in love with her. He says she still reminds him of her(XOW) Little info on high school sweetheart , she was supposed to wait for him when he left to the military and he found out she moved on with her life al the while letting him think she was waiting for him. She was caught being seen with OM by WH family. Their relationship somewhat ended when he met me , a few months later I got pregnant i was only 18 , didnt expect WH to stay with me b/c of a child, so we split up for about a year, he went back with her and she continued her Wayward ways, so he ended it and came back to me and my daughter, I choose to work at my family and here we are 8 yrs later.

He says he's ended his relationship with current OW b/c of course now he has to but for his family also.

But he wants us to take it slow. He said he's afraid of me throwing the affair in his face day after day and that there is only so much he can take, that he's not sure if we should even try on our marriage. He says lets just be friends for now.

Yes, I am very guilty of LB's in my marriage before the affair and im sure thats what drove him away. He says he still loves me, somewhat in love with me but drifted.

I know we have 5 months to go till his return. How can I work on showing him that I want my marriage to work, escpecially now that I may be pregnant. Im afraid to find out. Whats the next step continue in Plan A?

I've been basically told I am competing with someone who was in his heart at one time, who tore it apart, the one who was lost. How can I re-act to that?

Im sorry this has been lengthy but im in a confused state.

Don't give yourself ultimatums. His saying he is afraid you w/b throwing the A in his face should not be your issue. Let him know you will do that when he gives you that need (to throw it in his face) and while you are in recovery. So when and how much you do it is up to him. Let him know that his part of recovery is a bigger requirement than for you.

Don't let him scare you into doing the majority of the recovery work. That is how a Xws sets up a BS to fail.

He needs to show you. Takes pressure off of you and puts it where it belongs.

L.

How can I do this knowing I know he's still in the fog with OW. All he's thinking is himself and not what has been done to us/family.
He was so upset that EVERYONE in his family knew about the affair. He told me to ask his mom for advice or her take on the A, and of course I knew she'd help with exposure!
He's afraid to talk to me face to face about us b/c while he was here during his 2 wks I went with 5 days of acting like nothing was wrong and the night came where we visited his old military buddies I got DRUNK off my [censored] and of course i do remember asking why? how? did he do this to us? but I totally blanked out, he says I socked him in the face! Sure wish I remember that! and that i slapped him a couple of times and for a second when he was telling me , well if i did do that you sure as H*** deserved it! It's not in me to hit so not sure why I did do that.

So, now he says he wants to tell me how he feels regardless of how I may feel b/c he wants me to know everything good and bad. And of course being so far away what can I do, I wont be able to hit him? lol, sorry it still amazes me

Get yourself into a phone session with Steve H. You can set the stage for a good plan so when he is ready he can join you in your recovery.

Fog lasts a while. Steve will show you how to work through it. Expect more hurtful things to come out.

Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley. Then both of you take the EN questionnaire located in the concepts section above.

Listen, this stuff takes time. Your recovery hasn't happened yet. Read my link about the 5 stages of grieving.

Will check back with you later.

take care,
L.

thanks Orchid,

No its the calm before the storm! im not a quiter and like I told him I am NOT going to quit on my family and marriage. Not like this! I have started surviving an affair and working on his /her needs. Again, thanks Orchid

Do you have any reason to believe that he's spoken to the CO and started counceling, or are you taking his word for it?

He's at the stage where he's not wanting me to find out about anything without him telling me , kind of thing. He's realized that the truth is far much better than lying or me finding out from others.
I do believe he has spoken to the Co, counseling is being set up, for now he's seeing the chaplain.

I can always find out myself, he gave me CO's email addresses.

Right now hes upset that OW hacked into his email/ messenger to find out info on him, deleted me from his messenger etc. So he said thats where he drew the line. Enough is enough and doesnt want to hurst his family anymore

Please confirm what he's telling you with the CO. He's a WS and a drug abuser, so those are big indicators that he's not going to be truthful. He needs to EARN your trust, not expect it blindly.

Dobie

I have emailed the Co and have not received any response. From what I heard WH's unit has been non stop since his return.

I just found out I am 4 wks pregnant by WH. I broke the news to him and he was happy,sad, confused etc. He told me he doesnt want this to change our decisions in staying with eachother but wants me to take it easy since I have had 2 previous miscarriages.

I believe their is hope for our marriage but I dont know how to start building our friendship back up. Their hasnt been no relationship talk from me since he left and no mention of OW either , except when he said she was hacking into his emails! Deleted me from his messenger list etc.

I am ok with being by myself and my kids , Honestly but I do not want to give up on my marriage?