Ugh - i don't want this to end - this is all a huge misunderstanding! Help. I don't think she's in fog - she's just upset about whats going on. I dont think there is an A going on. Help.


Well, I am really busy with work these next few weeks, but I should have some time at the beginning of August. I am living up to my vows too and I have been faithful, but that comment souded a bit sarcastic as if you didn't believe that I was actually staying faithful to you. And what do you mean by you missing me? One minute you are telling me to give you the papers to sign, and then you say you miss me? And the way you said that last sentence about missing your wife and letting her know...well I am your wife, not someone else. Is that who you feel I have become...someone else? You were MARRIED to someone else, because I was turned into someone that wasn't me. Always working, cooking, cleaning, etc....This is who I have always been and I am finally regaining my personality...the one you supposedly fell in love with. I guess I just wasn't enough for you or something. Maybe I just read into your messages too much and that's not what you meant at all, and if so, I apologize, but next time, re-read your messages and watch how you word things, because you know I will pick up on it and call you on it.

Anyway, we can work out times later and what not, and I honestly hope that you are enjoying your time here. I am truly sorry things didn't work, Aaron. I never got married with the intention of divorce. If only things had happened differently....we shouldn't have gotten married so soon. And if you had felt you weren't ready, you really should have said something to me a long time ago instead of a year and a half down the road....that's a lot of wasted time for the both of us. Anyways, I don't want to get into in over e-mail, I am just saying....

Have fun at work and keep your chin up, ok?

Talk to you soon,
Shannon

This e-mail screamed from my Wife i didnt even smell the WS in her!!! HELP!!!!! AGH IM GOING TO CRY NOW! Why is she giving up so easy!? Its like its so close to grasp but its just beyond my reach!!!!! What we had was so good and its flying down the drain!!!!!!

I feel this incredibly strong calling right now to just write her back and hit her with everything; with exactly how I'm been feeling about our marriage, about why I acted how I did; about how we have such a huge chance to make such a great life for ourselves; I feel like this is my window to get to my wife.

I don't know why - but it feels so strongly like God is telling me to let it all out now. God, I'm in tears - why is this happening? We are both good people; she used to love me so much; she sounds so hopeless.

Please - someone respond, I have to go to work soon...reading this e-mail and doing nothing about it for the entire day is going to fester so hard; I have to reply.

Would it be dumb of me to call her right now and talk to her about this stuff?

FoxOr,

I do not usually post. I am more of a lurker. I have been here for about a year.

Please pray right now. Cry out to God for peace and guideance. He hears you and will answer your cry for him. He will tell you what to do. You will feel it and when you feel it you will know that it is him!

Tell your wife how you feel.

Lifted Up

im so scared right now im in tears -

Knowing that what I do or say could ruin this marriage forever has me absolutely terrified. I love this woman more than anything on this Earth and I feel like she's reaching out for my hand, but its just out of her reach; like she doesn't have the will to reach out that extra inch - its like shes so exhausted she can't. I feel so hopeless inside.

I have no good advice for you, except PRAY, and pray hard, and I will pray for you too....

Settle down, okay!! Doing things in a panic isnt going to help.

I want you to look back at your original post, the one of her email above, and reread it. And I want you to pull out the positives. I want you to rethink what you are looking at in there. Are there things in there that would make you believe she wants the marriage? Are there things in there that tell you she does not want a divorce?

Go look and come back here with the answer. Then I'll give you what I think you should do.

In His arms.

mortarman...

when i read what she said it sounds like i can't do anything anymore - and that I need to let go.

fox,

As I asked on your other thread....Where is the A?

I know you suspected something was going on but weren't for sure.

You know where you stand in regards to this marriage, right? Make sure she knows where you stand too.


God Bless,

Doug

Aaron,
once again, I am in no way an experienced MBer. But I will offer this. MBing has a very solid foundation of principles that enable the building of a solid marriage. All of the principles, such as emotional needs, policy of joint agreement, radical honesty, and others are the foundation for making your marriage what God intends it to be. You must stand ready and willing to commit to these principles. I know that you are. The whole question in these situations is whether or not both spouses are willing. Use these principles as your guide for response. This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. Do not waiver from these principles and do not compromise. Continue to maintain these principles as the boundaries for reconciliation. Anything less than total commitment to the principles is not likely to have a good outcome. Thats all I have to offer. Just reiterate to her that you are ready and willing, if she is.

as badly as this pain hurts knowing that if i would have done things differently, I want her to be happy..even if its without me; God I can't stop crying. I don't want things to end - but there's nothing I can do, I feel like a child, vulnerable and afraid.

The thing that hurts the most is knowing that I know what upset her, and knowing that it wouldn't happen again if she came back; but she won't come back...I feel like I just found out my whole family was killed in a tragic accident; my heart is so empty right now.

Aaron,
recognize what is happening here. IMHO, your W is turning things around on you and making you believe your actions have hurt her. She is the one that left. She is the one that isnt sure about the M.
She is likely having feelings of guilt for the hurt she has caused. She is now turning your actions around on you in order to justify her actions. THEY do this. It is to be expected. Dont freak.
MAINTAIN you dignity, your honor, and your boundaries. YOU can do this.

this is what my friend just told me on instant messenger; and he's right...

aaron says:
man i *** up the best thing to ever happen to me

aaron says:
and im not getting a chance to right my wrongs

aaron says:
which makes me feel even worse

Cired - Knight Empyrean says:
half that letter is complete ****

Cired - Knight Empyrean says:
don't let her accuse you of that ***

aaron says:
but its true

aaron says:
what of it is ****?

Cired - Knight Empyrean says:
she's talking about how "faithful" she is...and how you're the one going back and forth between wanting a divorce and being married

Cired - Knight Empyrean says:
SHE **** RAN AWAY

Cired - Knight Empyrean says:
and she won't come back and give you a **** chance to work things out

Glad to see that someone else has recognized the bs as well. She is giving out babble. Just know where it is coming from. Dont react to it. Just reiterate your boundaries for reconciliation and your desire to save the M. You must be the rock in this.

fox,
I have stayed away from responding to you for a number of personal reasons. None of which are your fault, so please do not be offended.

I have one question. Do you think you have placed undue strain on your marriage because you have been running under the assumption of the existance of an A, when it is possible there isn't even one there?

When people think things, it comes out in their actions, often times. Your marriage with her is young and both of you are young. Did you run into problems, like all marriages do, and start to believe that something existed that might not?

I am sorry you are in pain. Please get a hold of yourself. You will make NO good decisions in a state of panic, save luck. And I wouldn't want MY marriage hinging on luck, so I suppose you don't either.

Maybe you could lay down your fears and have a 'come to jesus' meeting with her about the state of your marriage. Using the principles here, like radical honesty and poja, possibly you could talk in a rational, mature fashion and explain you to her. Possibly she will explain her to you.

If she is just done with the relationship because she chose, no amount of support here will make her unchose.

She has to chose otherwise. That doesn't mean you can't 'sell' yourself to her as the best thing.

I guess what I am getting at is rule yourself with a levelhead and remain calm. Have emotions all you wish, but outward displays of crazy emotions usually don't go well with younger folks. They don't have the fortitude for it yet(at least I didn't)

If I am off the mark, I am sorry. But you calming down is good advice. And calling someone guilty of something they are not usually never works out well for someone in the equation. The innocent guy on death row. things like that.

And it probably won't work out well for you both... Calm down. Make rational choices. Have a talk with her and make absolutely suire she nows exactly what you want in your relationship and make exactly sure you know what she wants in her relationship. If you two can not compromise, there is no forcing someone to love you. I'm sorry.

also.. maybe you could show her this site. I know that if my spouse was coming to this site that had these principles, I would be able to see the care she had for us. Maybe that is an option as well.

Please take care.

My friend told me that when I talk to her; I need to let her KNOW that this marriage is failing because she's running away from our problems and HER problems. He also said that her running away from this situation isn't going to solve anything; that her problems are going to follow her, and that she is the one who isn't committed.

I hate this - she is running away thinking it will solve things, but its not going to solve anything. I am trying to fight for us and against this issues; love isn't perfect its full of problems - but the difference in this situation is that I'm fighting for us; and she's running away.

Your friend's advice sounds like disrespectful judgements to me. Again, reiterate in a positive manner the foundation and the principles of MBing as the road to being happy with each other again. Accusations, unfounded or not, will not be well received. Just my opinion.

I agree that your friend is making disrespectful judgements. And I have the same question are you sure an affair even took place? I guess a good start before you make any decision right now fox would be to gather all the evidence you have that she is engaged in an affair.

Now when it comes to the birthday dinner this makes things really interesting. Obviously she is now going to want to talk about your marriage. Maybe after the birthday dinner would be a good time to reevulate your position and your marriage but I don't think now is.