Hi

I’m in a really bad situation.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a train

2 Sundays ago my H told me he wasn’t happy, and he didn’t know what he wanted. He denied having feeling for OW. This Monday he emailed me a message that was meant for her. He was caught no ands if or buts. I trusted him he said that there was nothing going on and I didn’t want to be a jealous W so I let the friendship go on.

The OW is a Co-worker of his. She has been a “good friend” and we helped her to leave her H. all her stuff is at MY HOUSE!! She was supposed to move in with us while she got back on her feet, little did I know that my H loves her and she loves him. But he swears that there hasn’t been any Physical.

He still loves me but can’t or won’t commit to saving our marriage right now. He’s very confused & scared. We spend a lot of time just holding each other & crying.

I told him that if he wants to work it out he has to end everything with her, he’s not ready for that yet. He’s says that it’s not just her but that he has to figure stuff out for himself that he’s not happy.

We are leaving for 3 weeks on a vacation, guess who is housesitting!!

I’m sooooooo sad and hurt and I don’t want to lose him. He’s the love of my life.

Help me. Ask me questions

I feel like an idiot

help

oh honey, I feel so sorry for you.
One day your life is running smoothly and uneventfully, the next day you wake up to a nightmare, and the most horrific part is there's no waking up from it.

Let me share with you some words of advice and some facts.

Fact number one - Over the coming days/weeks and possibly even months your brain will keep trying desperately to search for a way to "turn it off", where all you want is your life back. This is normal.

Fact number two - unfortunately, this can manifest itself by trying to grab on to your husband with everything you've got and trying to find a way to bond with him and re-assert that you are one with him and that you can make it through this. This part is where wives(or husbands) make some of the worst mistakes in this terrible terrible process.

Fact number 3 - your husband is confused and hurt and lost, but trust me when I say right now you cannot help him. Its like this - its like his heart is broken in two pieces now - one is for you, and this other piece is now fused to this other woman, through some horrible mistakes he made. Very unfortunately, there will be very little that you can do in this time frame to change that and this is NOT your fault. He has dragged himself into a serious mess, and some of the most unfair things about these situation is that he has dragged you and your emotions with him.

Your best bet is really to create some emotional distance between yourself and your husband for now as you go through this. Unfortunately, when you try to give him all the emotional support you can, he will only get sated with what YOU provide for him, but he will miss his ties to the other woman. So starved of that, he will only miss her/crave her more.
The best thing you can do is to make sure that he misses YOU instead. He needs to figure out for himself what's really real. And trust me, this is NOT something you can ever tell someone. They need to get burnt real good before they realize.

Do whatever you can to try to find avenues to channel yourself into emotionally that help you through this. This is going to be a very tough time.

But if you play your cards right.... believe me, the chances that OW and him ever work out, are so slim that you really have nothing to worry about in the long grand scheme of things.
For now... SPARE yourself, and do not tumble head first into this mess with them. This is the best advice... the hardest to do, but it is absolutely the ONLY way out of this.

I don't know your particular situation. I don't know if you NEED to go on that vacation. But I know it might not help. It might only be a temporary distraction for you and your husband, and you might even bond and think that this is the end of it, but when you return, its only a matter of time when things bounce back to square one. Your husband needs to make a VERY strong decision to get this woman out of his life. And let me tell you, it takes a VERY VERY strong person to do this. Once we get attached to people, its easier to separate an atom than it is to just get rid of these emotions - it does not happen 'just like that'.
He needs to make that decision and go through complete withdrawal before your relationship can even begin to find a way to heal out of this.

best of luck, and God be with you.

thank you so much for replying

I'm scared that if create distance he will go to her.

her stuff is in my house even her dog. i'm so hurt so embarrassed I have no one to talk to no one.

10 years ago I left my home 5000 miles away to move here to be with him.

we have 1 vehicle 1 house 4 dogs.
If I cancel the vacation what do I do???
stay home & cry? leave to see my friends back home and let him be with the OW.

I don't know what to do

Get this woman out of your house!!! If he wants to follow her then let him. This is not love, it's rebound.

You will be able to save a little more of yourself now if you show the strenth to get her out, and give him an ultimatum. He will respect you less for putting up with this right under your nose, and worst yet you will also lose respect for yourself.

If he decides to stay in the home with you, get into some bible based counseling right away. He is still holding you and to me that sounds like a cry for help from him. You do have a fighting chance especially if nothing has happened physically but you can't do any of this with the ow in the picture. I can hear in your post how much you love him, I really do hope that things will work out for you and your marriage.

Pascale, I know this is a VERY VERY scary time.

I understand your fears. If you let him out of sight he will go to her and so on.
I wish I could give you one big hug and tell you it will be OK. And it will sweetie, but this is where you gotta grab your destiny into your hands and tell yourself you will take GOOD care of your life, because darn it, nonone will do what's best for YOU like YOU.

You have been living in this duo - its "you and him". You don't have just YOU anymore. Which is why now that your "better half" (NOT) has so betrayed that unity, you feel like your world is shattered and you want to just glue it back together and make it work again FAST before you die. But honey, it is time to rediscover the YOU part again. And tell yourself that noone has the right to put you through this, and have you groveling on the floor begging for mercy when it is not YOU who did the crimes.

I know this is going to be emotionally tough. Print out these messages if you need to and refer to them whenever you feel weak.
But let me tell you,

first - him going back to her will NOT... repeat NOT make it work out between her and him, where you are the one unfairly "kicked" out of it all. If anything, it is only clingy desparete behavior on your part that will make him want to be with HER.

Its bitterly unfair... and if I could tell you that you can set things right by playing the fair, nice, emotionally supportive wife, I would, but I don't want to lie to you.

Right now, its like he's holding two jugs (both of which he needs to fulfill emotional needs). You get to fill one and she gets to fill the other. What you are doing is telling him that he should ignore HER jug, while you fill and overflow your own. Think about what that will cause eventually? He will start craving what goes into the other jug so bad, that he will only start being delusional that its her he wants and not you.
Play your cards right, and let it be the other way.

Sweetie, soooooooooo many people have walked the bitter path that you do now. You are not the first or the last. When it happens, you think that its impossible to live through. But it is. Millions of people do, and you can too.

First, establish an emotional support base - family, trusted friends, do NOT pick any common friends or anyone that will betray you or not be completely totally on YOUR side to be there for you during this tough time.
Start thinking out of the box. Anything you ever wanted to do in your life that you never went for? Now's the time to be crazy and do it. Trust me, sometimes stepping away from your little comfort nest that you've created in your life will make you realize how big and broad and incredible this world is. And you are only zoomed into your own world. When it shatters, its time to step out into the big one.

You might share a lot right now (house, pets etc) - at least you don't have kids. Step away from it a while. Its not going anywhere. My serious advice to you is take that vacation on your own and get some time with yourself to get a grip and make a plan. the ONLY way, that you should go with your husband, is if he is SOLIDLY READY to get rid of OW. Meaning... he is the one begging you that he KNOWS with every bone in his body that its you he wants and he will do everything to get rid of her in your lives because he knows this is a nightmare. Sounds like he is not there yet. Trying to 'push' him to get there faster, will only work against you. You can either learn this for yourself, or you can take the advice from thousands who have made that mistake already and are telling you about it and warning you not to go there.

If you hubby is lost/confused/scared/whatever... leave him alone to suffer for a while until he is firmly clear and his head is out of the clouds. NO matter how much you love him, you cannot get that head out of there. You can only spare yourself and your sanity (because YOU certainly don't deserve to get more and more and MORE hurt, which is how this will spiral) and go take care of YOU for a while.

Whatever you do... start drawing on an inner independent strength to see yourself through this, and tell yourself firmly through gritted teeth that you will do it. You can. Everybody has a reserve of strength in them that they just don't want to tap into, because they'd so much rather the easy magic pill way out. Spare yourself the illusions, and do the right things.
And I promise you, you will come out just fine.

Oh and I have to add, I totally agree with brokenwings2, get HER and her stuff out of the house. She is like a parasite moving into your house and how dare she try to steal your husband too.

Prepare yourself for a blame-fest from your husband - (its convenient for him to have his harem all in one place afterall.) if he wants to walk away with her, let him. But she must go. Surely she has other friends/family and she has certainly abused her welcome here.

Thank you for giving me some courage

I told him & her that her stuff has to go.

I'm still very sad.

hang in there pascale! being on this board is a great start. but also find some live humans to connect to, to help you through this...

these are some of the times when we can be our own biggest enemy, and fall into all the traps that make us suffer more unnecessarily. Best of luck to you!