My H said that he loved the OW. Now what? He went to church and asked God to remove all of the feelings he had for the OW. He says God did that. Am I suppose to trust that it happened or just feel like I'm being fooled again!!!!

He probably did love her. It is not a deep attachment type of love, but a courtship type of love. My 16-year-old is currently "in love" ... and her feelings are very real, but probably won't last.

Feelings just "are" ... they exist without any moral boundary. Feelings are never permanent.

Does that mean he won't be able to stay away from her?

This is why we don't vow to stay in a marriage as long as we feel like we are in love ... we COMMIT to the marriage ... not to the feelings.

How would I ever be able to answer such a question?

I'm all confused. I feel like I may be falling out of love with him. Is that possible?

Yes, it's possible.

Are you going to honor your vows yourself?

Of course, I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my marriage together. But it takes two. We are seeing a MC, reading books, etc. I don't know what else to do. I do really love him, but I feel like it's slipping away. I don't want him to touch me or look at me, etc.

If i understand the book concepts:
1. he feels he loves her because she was meeting his emotional needs
2. you may be falling out of love with him because he is not meeting your emotional needs and because his love busters have withdrawn feeling of love from your love bank

I say-take a chance on forever

try to rebuild both of your feelings for each other!

Thank you very much. Good advice!

We do commit to marriage, but sometimes feelings do get in the way. It's unfortunate that it has to be this way sometimes. I look at my marriage with my husband and think of how "committed" I am, but how I have "feelings" for someoen else. it's all very confusing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

H,

Many, if not most WSs think they are in love with their om/ow. It's all part of justifying/rationalizing the attraction and neurochemical response that develops as a result of the A.

They are not really 'in love' in the deep, lasting sense that a H & W share. They are in infatuation, or, in lust.

Your H's strategy of asking God to remove the feelings he had for the ow is interesting. It sounds as though he has acknowledged his powerlessness over the addictive nature of the A, and has turned to God, the Higher Powet, to help him through this.

That is great.

Just remember, though, that the Lord helps those who help themselves.

The power of prayer is truly great, but you will have to pray along with him. This is a long journey. You will have to monitor him to make sure he does not relapse. your H must be completely honest and accountable to you - cell records, e-mails, everything.

Good luck.

I don't know how to monitor him. The A happened at his work. She didn't work there but stopped by to "SEE" him. I took his cell phone away, he doesn't have a clue about e-mail. How will I know if he is being honest with me or not? I know I can't trust him.

and it's wrong and you know it ... have you told your husband yet that his wife (you) is cheating on him with his friend?

Until you are honest in your own life, you are not going to find peace.

Sorry Pep, that was someone else's post, not mine. I have never cheated on my H!

I know it was not directed toward you ... I think people CURRENTLY cheating on their spouses and CURRENTLY lying to their spouses should refrain from posting advice to currently betrayed spouses ... it's not going to help you ....

I second Pep's assessment...

He probably was in love...the heady biological feeling. Maybe even some attachment.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

It DOES mean that staying away from her will be difficult and require extra precautions. It's been compared to drug addiction...it is, in a way. That's why NC is crucial. Contact with the lover allows the biological process of bonding to progress.

I beat myself up for a long time because I kept telling myself that I didn't really love her. My IC help me see that perhaps I did...and it's ok to admit that and put it behind me. Admitting it doesn't legitimize it. It does let you resolve the conflict so you can move past it.

Low

you say this ... and then you say ....


.... you are not allowing some of the loving actions that may very well start those loving feeling toward your husband once again.

You say "I'll do anything" ... but you don't want to be looked at or touched ..

do you see your own conflict here?

You are saying you want him but yet, not following through with actions that will create the love between you once again.

I am not asking you to ~do~ anything right now but look at the trap you've set for yourself.

Do you see the trap?

I have a plan that I think will work. I will call OW and tell her to help me. We can get on 3-way calling, let her talk to him and see what he says. If he says he loves her then our marriage is over, if he tells her to leave him alone, he loves me, then their "thing" is over. What do you think?

How dignified can you be during this conversation?

And ... why does your H get to decide how hard YOU want to fight for your marriage?