After this weekend, I believe I am ready to go on to plan B. A couple of weeks ago, I told WW that I would do anything to help her, but that there was one thing I would not tolerate. Sneaking around with OM. Spending the weekend in OM's trailer definitely steps way over that boundary I set. See this post for details of this nightmare.

I was ready to pack her things for her and tell her to get out until she said something yesterday. I asked if she could give me an hour of her time last night. She was not home yet. She said that I could have "a week of her time, a year, forever." I said "forever?". She said "well, I need to be there for my kids." I laughed.

While unbelievable, this has led me to the decision to give her one last chance, but she cannot put me and the kids through this hell anymore. Tonight I will let her convice me that she wants to be here. I will tell her that I would love to have her back home, but certain things need to happen.

• no contact letter
• no more going out unless she is with me or the kids
• must make appointment with her IC and keep it

I had already made arrangement for babysitting for the kids until school starts. These arrangements will continue until she demonstrates that I can trust her alone with them. This means she can not sleep all day while she is supposed to be doing things with them. They need to get on a better sleeping schedule for school. This means everyone will get up when I do, we will have breakfast together, I will go to work, they will find SOMETHING to do together. Otherwise, they will not be at home.

I don't expect her to try to be a good wife right now. I wouldn't believe that if she did. But she does need to try to be a good mom. Plain and simple. Otherwise there is no reason for her to be in our house.

If she cannot agree to the above, she will need to use the next week to find a job and a place to stay. Plan B will begin.

What do you all think?

^bump

i think the door is open-stick your foot in, get ready to deal with the pain, and stand until you can't take anymore or until she pulls it wide open and lets you in.

good luck

Have you shared your plan B letter here so we might make sure there is nothing glaringly erroneous?

By the way ... you know not to give her any "warning" about Plan B, don't you?

Has exposure to important people been accomplished?

Before you even think about Plan B, how has your Plan A been going (ending LBs)?

Also, you need to post your Plan B letter here for review BEFORE you give it to her.

PS

Chris CA123 is the expert at Plan B letter editing ... so pay attention to Chris!!!!!!!

I don't have a letter written yet. I was going to tell her the above, and let that sink in. I would wait a few days, write my letter, and then execute.

She has been calling me all day, letting me know where she was at all times. I didn't ask for this. I'm wondering if four days with OM (in his trailer, not at a hotel) and without us opened her eyes a bit.

I have to wonder if reality is starting to sink in for her. I want to enforce my boundaries. This cannot happen again, but maybe plan A needs more time. But what are the consequences she must face for this weekend?

I thought it was going very well until this weekend.

I most definitely will.

Pep,


Would saying what I'm going to say tonight be "warning"?

Anyone who did not know the affair was still going on knows now because I called them looking for her, and she had to explain to them where she was.

I have exposed to everyone I think I should, but I have not told her that my parents know. I'm not sure I want to. Her friends are really starting to put the pressure on her. "He's a great guy." "You need to make up your mind." "You maust be crazy to act like this."

WHY NOT? You gotta use all of your resources here. Are you worried that having told your parents is going to make her "madder" at you or something, or foli any chance at a reocnsiliation?

Dude, you have been essentially diagnosed with a lymphoma here, why are you worried about an in grown toe nail?

Sour..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Right up to the very last minute before you hand her the PBL, you ought to Plan A your heart out.

no demands ... but stating where you stand and asking questions is just fine ...

for instance "I love you and our family. Let's put a stop to this awful affair and get to work rebuilding our marriage. Are you onboard with that?"

If she says she is onboard with that ... say something like... "Let's discuss a no contact OM plan together."

See if you can get her to agree in principle that

A. The M and the family are worth preserving.
B. The affair must stop now.
C. No contact must happen. (NOW, not whenever)

Now ... if she balks or stalls or otherwise does not get onboard the bus .... you do NOT tell her "Last chance" ... You give her the opportunity to say how she feels without argueing with her about how she feels. If she is not going to board the M bus with you ... you stick to non-arguemenative responses such as "Ah, I see we are not on the same page when it comes to our marriage." or "Let me see if I understand what you are saying....(feedback what you heard) " and "Thank you for being open with me and telling me how you really feel. I appreciate that."

Then ... next day ...or when you have your ducks lined up (you will need someone who agrees to be the intermediary) you drop the PBL on her and turn out the lights.

The family bus goes on WITHOUT HER ... and she is left with a memory of you not LBing, not demanding ... just showing concern for her ... but your priority is the marriage and the family above all.

Remember .... she needs to look back and realize she was invited to board the marriage bus ... and she did not .... you gave her the option ... then the bus (reluctantly and sadly, as stated in the PBL) pulled away without her.

Thanks Pep, I really felt like I was getting the hang of plan A. But she was gone for four days did not check on our children ONE TIME. And I think I'm going to tell her that they did not ask where she was even once.

Hey ... remember ... all of us here just give opinions ... nothing more.

Do your best.

Here is what is going to go down tonight. I will tell her that her actions this weekend have brought me as far as I can go without some changes being made. I am going to suggest the following as a plan. I am not forcing her to go with this plan, but this is what I would really like to see happen. Maybe she can consider it a starting point for negotiations.

• The children will be with my parents while I am at work to give her time for job interviews, counseling, whatever. (not sleep or OM, though). This gives me peace of mind that they are not with her, but makes it sound like it is for her benefit
• I will pay for it if she wants to go see her therapist. She will not be able to use money or time as an excuse for this.
• I don't need her to start working on the M right now, only to stop hurting us more
• If she has any feelings toward working on the marriage, no contact must be established
• I would prefer she gets a full-time day job instead of working nights so that we can get in to some sort of "normal" schedule before school starts. That gives us a lot more time together and she can claim she is doing it "for the kids"
• If she wants her minivan, the payments will be her responsiblity. I can not afford it AND pay for the kids school after next month. This uses up some of the money she would need to leave and gives her motivation to find work
• Going out with her friends is probably not the best idea right now. "I know you want to get out and have fun, but you have REALLY abused this and there will be plenty of time for that when we have figured this out."

If we cannot come to some sort of agreement on these issues, plan B will begin as soon as I get my "ducks in a row". I won't tell her this though.

I need to show her, "I don't need you, but I do want you, but I have limits".