Can anyone suggest or does MB offer any particular exercises in empathy for couples in infidelity situations. It seems like it might be helpful for both my husband and myself to each (separately) make a list of the top 5 or 10 things we are feeling about our infidelity situation. Communication is our biggest problem. I would try to guess his feeleings and vice versa. This would give each of us an opportunity to show that we understand the other as well as find out some things we might not know. I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not or if there is a better, formal exercise suggested by MB.

I'm really stuck in a rut of not wanting to leave my marriage but also NOT wanting to be married to someone who did this to me. He says the hardest part for him is looking at himself in the mirror knowing what he's done. But that's getting hard for me too--admitting to myself that I'm so weak/disrespectful of myself that I'd stay committed to someone who did this to me. How can I expect to be respected if I don't respect myself. I know forgiveness is a gift you give yourself etc., but it doesn't seem to matter to me right now. To be honest I totally understand why he did it, what needs weren't being met, etc. I'd be lying if I said otherwise--it's obvious. But my needs weren't being met either and I didn't go outside our marriage, lie, lie, lie, etc. But I'm truly not comfortable with staying with someone who did this to me--and it might be why I finally have to give up and let my pride win.

I also feel like I'm "alone with this problem". Like I'm shouldering the burden while he acts like nothing happened. I tell him that treating me well now doesn't equal resolving what happened. He says he'll do anything I ask him to do but that "not moving on" will make us both miserable and that he wants to show me that we can be happy. He's willing to talk if I bring it up, but it's obvious that he prefers that I not bring it up.

I'm sure we should go to counseling. However, our counselor who I saw last right after Dday told me he was a philanderer, and that basically I should leave. So this turned me off b/c I think she was harder on him than was even necessary on some issues.

I feel ok spending time, having fun, etc. but can't admit to myself that I'd stay with someone who did this to me in a serious relationship. Maybe if he could do something so extraordinarily good that is offset his infidelity I'd feel different. But that doesn't seem to be happening. He thinks doing now what he should have been doing all along by treating me well will take care of things.

Input appreciated about the exercise. I typically can't reply to the replies my posts get, so I'll apologize in advance.

AMG

Get a better counselor. The communication problems between you can best be worked on with a 3rd person trained in M counseling

You are feeling normal doubts by the way.

AMG, I recently replied to a post with this. I was faced turning with the same problem that you are. Why didnt my wife realize what she was doing to me (why no empathy).

I have come to the realization that WS are not doing it to the BS as much as they are doing it to themselves. About 15 years ago I had a one night stand. My wife knows about it as I told her very soon after it happened. I remember the war that was going on in my head when I did it. I knew it was wrong before I did it, but my mind rationalized it as ok in that it would make the hurt I felt go away and no one would know anyway. WRONG. I forgot that I would know. I was not trying to hurt my wife, I was trying to make myself feel better. Made my mind up at that point that it was way more hurt for myself than I ever wanted to experience again and yes I did love my wife when I did it. Actually, my one night stand was the most hurt I have ever felt including my wife affairs. When ever we do something that is against our better moral judgement, and we have all done these things to a much lesser degree than an affair, we cause ourselves pain. That is what creates the guilt and strips away our self esteem. Our pride prevents us from seeing this in our WS. Making these life decisions regarding saving/ending our marriages are decisions that should be made without our pride involved. Our WS's affairs are not as much an attack on us but an attack on themselves only they do not know it. They know it is painfull but do not know why, the only explanation for the hurt they feel is the BS, hence the fog.

Like a drug addict, these affairs happen in secrecy with the addict rationalizing all the reasons why it is ok to continue. In secrecy, the effects of the drug relieve the pain but after a while the the effects on life become unbearable. It is a viscious cycle of rationalization on the BS's part. We feel the pain because our spouse is an integral part of our being and what they feel we feel, not for the same reasons but we feel the pain just the same.

Would you be in the same pain if your spouse was a drug addict? I am not saying a drug addicted spouse would not cause you pain but it would not be the same kind of pain eventhough the drugs would be more important to the addict than you the spouse.

Just remember, your husband did not do this to you he did it to himself.

The pursuit of empathy in this situation is futile. there is no way a WS can imagine what the BS is going through and vice versa.

You both can learn to be sympathetic, but I wouldn't waste time on empathy.

Like trying to teach a pig to sing...wastes your time and annoys the pig. And is completely unnecessary.