My WS has drilled this idea into my head that all of our problems in our marriage were because of me; and that I ruined our marriage.

I know this isn't true - but I feel absolutely sick to my stomach, I can't stop thinking about how "If I would have done something differently" things wouldn't be the way they are.

How do I get rid of this guilt? This wasn't all my fault - but I feel like it is; this guilt has made me unable to enjoy life or look at anything happily. How to I get rid of it?!?!

I don't know, but if you find out, please post it so I can know as well. I know there's stuff I could have done different, and I know there's stuff I could do different and make her happy now if she'd let me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can't even live anymore - everything reminds me of her; i can't get her out of my head; and now, once again like a little baby I'm crying...

Dude,

You have NO GUILT in the A!!

You may have 50% responsibility for the problems in the marriage...but you have 0% responsibility in the Affair..0% guilt.

She has 100% responsibility for having the A..she is the one who thought only of herself and went forward. She is the one that continued and lied to you, keeping it hidden from sight. SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAD THE A!!! Not you!! DO NOT FEEL ANY GUILT!!

My God man, feel deep pain, agony, anger, humiliation, low self esteem, grief, loss, dispair, hate, etc, etc, but GUILT?? Are you on glue?? Don't you have enough emotions coarsing through you right now? You don't need, want, OR DESERVE GUILT as one of them.

She is doing what all WS do and is trying to TRANSFER the guilt she is feeling to you. Putting the blame on you. Pure fogbabble bullpoop that is heard time and time again in the halls of MB.

So please do not feel guilty. You did not force her to fall into the A. You are not a horrible spouse that drove her into the arms of another.

She is singing the same foggy song sung by all foggy WSs, originally sung be the Foggy Bottom Boys. (love that movie!)

k

Fox,

I haven't posted to you - but I have been reading...and man - you gotta pull it together.

I know it feels like it's the end of the world..but it's not over til the fat lady sings.

You have gotten amazing advice on how to better yourself and how to plan B...Plan B helps you get over those feelings, but you keep letting her back in to control you.

I know it seems like the right thing in your gut to do - to give in to her, to talk with her - but there is a reason why these plans work.

She has a comfort zone - she can act however she wants to act as you put up with it...Take away that comfort zone. You may still loose her, but you will gain strength in yourself and better yourself...and give yourself a chance at a 100% REAL reconciliation, as when and if she comes back it wont be for cake eating - this is what Plan B is about.

You are 20 years old and you have a had a pretty hard life up to now, and I am sure there are some things that contributed to the failed marriage - there are always two sides, but this is the time instead of dwelling on it, to better yourself - you have your WHOLE life ahead of you - learn, grow - do the things you want to do. Either she will notice and want to come back, or she wont. Sucks - but you can't control what she does, you can only control you.

And sadly she is going to do whatever she wants to do right now as she is in the justification mode where she feels she has a right. You can't stop that. And the more you try, the more she feels justified and the more she pulls away.

Don't feel guilty - you may have made some mistakes towards the marriage, but not her affair if she is truly having one - but better yourself for YOU based on the mistakes you know you made. Do things that help keep your mind off her - and go into a Plan B. This is for your own protection! Everytime you get into things with her, you end up like this - it's a cycle I have seen you in on these boards.

You are a GREAT person from what I read. And on a terrific spiritual journey - keep it up. As much as it feels like the end of the world - it's not. One more thing you can learn from - and you can cry all you want - don't feel bad about it - it's healthy - it's normal.

But start listening to these fine folks on what you need to do. And at first it may be VERY hard...but you will start to feel better and get in a mental place where you can handle it all.

I hope you don't take this as 2x4's cause it wasn't at all. But you need to get yourself in a place where you can handle this - and giving into her demands, and humoring her requests is getting you no where my friend.

Krusht -

this hurts so bad because I dont know if there even is an A going on right now. According to her she just legitimately doesn't love me anymore; and its not because of an OM.

I'm pretty sure I ruined any shot at Plan B today by talking to her on the phone and once again, beginning to cry..

In order to Plan B I have to show her I'm a good person and that she will be missing me; right now - she doesn't.

Fox,

I agree with Dorry, I have seen some of your threads and you do have to get control of yourself.

Have you tried antidprssnts? They will help calm you down.

Crying and blubbering might be good for a night, but if you continue day after day then something is wrong.

AAANNNND I know for a fact that a cryer and blubberer is not real attractive to the opposite sex...specially your WW!!

I won't say anymore. I know not your full saga.

STAY STRONG AND UPRIGHT!!

k

Never too late to start a plan B. Just stop all contact - send a Plan B letter - it states the obvious...and if she is too foggy to read it properly - so be it - then start to be the man you are. Do things for you, and not for her.

It's not easy - but it can be done. Start right away - there are expert Plan B-ers here that can help you. Use their skills.

I don't have money for ADs.

Can someone help me write a Plan B letter? I don't even know where to start.

Fox,

""In order to Plan B I have to show her I'm a good person""

Plan B is going dark and having no contact. Plan A is filling her ENs and love bank, and no LBing to lure her back into your arms.

Sounds like she has moved out? Yes?

With an OM or by herself?

k

she lives at her mom's house right now.

I see all the right settings for Plan B. Of course she doesn't miss you yet - you haven't given her a chance too cause you keep TALKING to her.

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B!!! I will 2x4 that into your head!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Last time I did anything remotely like Plan B - she got extremely pissed off and me and yelled at me saying "I deserve more than this - I'm still your wife you know" stuff like that....

The other thing about Plan B is that she is wanting to see change in me - how can she see change when I have NC with her?

I don't think Plan B is a wise course at this time. You gotta go through Plan A first.

John

i just think this is a lost cause.

I can't even do Plan A because I'm leaving in two weeks. She doesn't even want to spend time with me on her birthday anymore.

I should just give up and try to start healing - too much damage has been done.

I trust dewts opinion on this as I know he has been posting lots to you so he has read more in depth than I have.

But what you are doing isn't even a Plan A - you aren't showing her a man she will want. Go through with the Plan A - it's still about bettering yourself.

How can I show her anything when I'm 400 miles away and am incapable of spending time with her?!

fox,
I say this with your happiness in mind. Please be aware of that.

You are an emotional wreck. I don't even want to post to you because you freak out at everything. Do I know you? No. Are you crazy? Maybe not, but you are acting like it. My point is simply this. Before you can even attempt ANY plan that might bring your W home, you have got to get control of yourself. Quitting your job and being a sobbing mess is not going to help the situation. It is hurting it.

Step one. Get control of yourself. I don't know if you have any access to medical help, but you need to do something here. ADs. Yoga. Something.

Step two. Formulate a plan that shows your W that she can trust you and that she doesn't have to run from you. I bet your emotional outbursts are a catalyst for her being gone.

Step three. Keep ahold of yourself and enact the plan. Be aware you may have to change facets of the plan on the fly. Be flexible.

repairing a relationship takes time. You can't do something for a day or two, not get the results you want and then give up going back to the emotional wreck thing again.

I have no idea how much damage is done and what the damage really is. Has she had an affair or not? Do you know? If you don't you can't go hitting her with exposure and other affair breaking tactics. You will look crazy and not like someone she wants to be with.

And the idea is you DO want to look like someone she wants to be with. What does she do for work? What kind of job did you have? Does her mother like you? I wonder if you aren't going to have to start over here and try to win her back. I really don't know, but the biggest fact is this. As long as you are being a volatile, ball of emotion... you are not going to make any decisions that help your cause.

Quitting your job was done out of emotion today, yes? Would you stay with you if you had no job? You have got to stop causing yourself more problems.

I am really curious what problems existed prior to all this kicking off. Did you play online games forever and she is sick of it? What happened?

Why are you going to be 400 miles away? Is this the go to school in Oregon thing? She has not committed to divorce, so that is a positive. You have got to be a husband to her.

Answer some of the questions and maybe we can talk about what to do. Not that I am some expert, but my goodness do I want to help you... if for nothing else you will calm down.

So, get some decaf coffee or something, relax and if you want, answer the questions. You can't be any worse off talk to me than you are right now.

I hope you get better soon.