Wondering

You should be ashamed for asking for this contact.

You are not looking too bright right now.

yup yup... Do you want a retaliation affair from your hubby?

Everyone...I truly am grateful for all of your replies, as I do like to see things from all points of view. I was and am committed to recovery with my H. I would not have emailed OM had I not talked to my H about it...my H actually helped me with the response to the OM's response...my H and I have always shared a very different repport than most people that I've met, on D day we were actually able to laugh and make jokes together. Ours was and is a very deep and abiding friendship first and foremost. We got lost alomg the way and I know that an affair was not the answer. My H is an attorney and has a very logical and usually a very different way of seeing things than most people...I am not trying to minimize the hurt that my A has caused him, but I will tell you that prior to it he had never really shown much emotion of any kind. In our recovery I keep telling him that he always has appeared superhuman to me as nothing ever seemed to get to him. I now see him as very human and know that he would have told me not to email the OM if it was going to bother him. It would not have mattered what the OM said, I WOULD NOT HAVE GONE BACK TO HIM!!! I needed to close the door on it once and for all...it was what it took for me to be able to delete all of the stuff about him...email addresses, phone numbers, pictures, etc...the OM and I had a lot of history and my withdrawal was difficult...I am not setting myself back in it, but freeing myself from it. I know that most of you won't believe or understand this, but you might want to take a look at Dr. Nancy Kalish's website www.lostlovers.com to better understand the nature of an affair with an Old Flame.

I think that Dr. Harley, one of the foremost specialists on adultery in the US, and top selling author, knows a thing or two about the "nature of an affair." Let's see what he says about contacting your former lover for "closure":

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

"She is sensitive to the confusion, self-blame, sadness, and anger of men and women whose marriages have been destroyed by their spouses rekindling old flames."

I doubt it. Why can't people just be happy with what they do have?

Well the door already was closed when you ended the affair... you opened the door in order to close it...again

Have you even stopped to think that your initiating this contact was ~ NOT GOOD~ for OM's well-being either?

Now maybe, after thinking about this for a few days, OM might come up with some questions for YOU to answer. See ... the door was opened ... by YOU!

Doesn't OM have just as much right to CONTACT YOU if he feels his "closure" is incomplete?

Don't you ~owe~ OM his moment of "closure" too? ... or is it all about you?

See... bag of worms.

I know Horsecrap when I smell it.,

WWW-

If you don't think that your husband has been horribly and permanently hurt by your actions, you are still very much in the fog. Your saying that you were so close that you could even joke together on d-day made me gag. This was not just some cute little trick you played.

I hope you will save these posts and break them out and read them in about six months.

You H may say it didn't bother him, but most H's who say that are just trying to hold on to what they have left of their marriage - he may have thought if he didnt let you = you would leave.

Unless you guys have an open marriage, where he doesn't mind sharing his wife - it will have bothered him - no matter what he says.

Has anyone ever considered that there is even the remote possibility that there is more than one way to skin a cat? That even though I agree that the MB principles are wonderful, that just maybe there might be just one person or couple in all of the world to which an exception might be okay?

Pep-did you read the rest of my post to Kloe? My very next sentence said that what I did was horrible, that I wasn't shifting blame, that it takes two.

To everyone who keeps referring to my calling the OM, IT WAS AN EMAIL!!! And further, I have now closed that email account to prevent further contact, and I do have caller ID and will NOT answer if he calls...TRUST ME HE WON'T-NOR WILL I!

Can anyone see that even before my A I had wondered about this person as he had me...I'm not saying that that is right, I'm only telling the truth here...So I had been "what ifing" for 13 years, and then the email came out of the blue at a time when I was at my very lowest and was contemplating suicide...I know that the affair was still WRONG!!! My H was working until 12:30 or 1:00am 5 days a week, I was alone and the OM was there...btw, I live 750 miles away from my "hometown" and the OM...it's not right, but it's what happened. Anyway, I do not want to "what if" about this guy anymore, our break up 13 years before was left with uncertainty and led to my romanticizing this person in the first place...I want ALL of that to stop...I don't ever want to romanticize this person again when things aren't going so great...I needed what I got today and I'm sorry if none of you understand...

I agree there are other ways other than MB to get through an A - my parents are examples, my friend is an example - heck - even Sprint and I are an example - he doesn't truly follow MB plans.

BUT - The thing is...you have your closure...but you had romantisized it for so long...what if you start to wonder if he was being a jerk for a reason, what if this, what if that...closure may not stop that wondering for long.

Contacting him each time to stop that wonder will keep the cycle...I am not saying you will ever contact him again.

I see all your reasons for your A - hey - I had alot of the same reasons - cept mine wasn't with an old flame. But to hang on for 13 years while you were marrief for 13 years...why did you marry H ever?

IMHO - you sound like you are still in the fog - you still have rewritten your maritial history to work with your A - you wondered for 13 years, so had to figure it out. I bet for many years in the beginning of your marriage - you didn't wonder.

This sounds alot like my Fog when I said - I had never been happy in my marriage, that I had married my H out of a need to feel safe. Which was ALL BS - but at the time I believed it as it furthered my reasons for OM.

The 13 year thing just makes me feel like it is a justification.

Hats off to your H for being able to cope with this - I truly hope he is, and not hiding it for your benefit.

what we call that in Texas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Probably not the time to laugh - but that was funny!

WWW,

""my H actually helped me with the response to the OM's response"" So now you have a dialogue going with the OM.

Sounds like contact is still there to me. Now when he replies to your response will you and your H answer it again? How much corrospondence can your H take, writing emails to your lover, before he snaps?

Bad idea on many levels.

You feel that such a great weight has been lifted because the OM actually turned out to be a pr!^& so you made the right choice.

Like Aphelion said, "How is that making your H feel that you are settling for him." (paraphasing..)

That the OM dropped you like a hot rock, but you had to find out why..for closure..and even though he didn't tell you why he dumped you, you found out he was such an ahole anyway so you are so glad you are out of it. And back in your baby's arms.

Your H is a strong one. Start treating him better.

k

the past is exactly that, the past. here and now is all that counts. if you were in love w/your h you wouldn't even be remembering someone who treated you so awful.

you still are thinking about him. i bet you got married on the day he was married and named your child his childs middle name???? sound familar to you????? only your h is not a lawyer and he is not at home with you giving you another chance right now either is he????

the om was a jerk to you 13 years ago and still a jerk now....what did you think you would be getting???? you have a serious self esteem problem and need to quit lieing to yourself and everyone else here.....sounds like one hell of a troll story to find the bs you haven't been able to find and dredge up old [censored] for her. sounds good though....really.....you must have worked hard at getting your story straight.

hmmm - me thinks I am missing a whole other story here.....

Well, actually I did laugh on D-day - as I was throwing WH's [censored] out in the street.

You made me spit my sip of pepsi out my nose <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

www -

I don't doubt your love for your husband, but I fear that you have put the love of yourself first. Not good...

Dorry-

Thanks for allowing for the possiblity of a variation in the MB principles. I have only been married for 8 years though I have known my husband for 13. I'm not saying that I've never been happy in my marriage, actually I have been very happy but also very lonely. It may not make sense to anyone, but I have lived in daydreams for much of my life...I grew up with a bipolar father whose manias lasted for 6 months at a time, my daydreams became my coping mechanism. So even though I daydreamed about the OM, I never actually wanted to be with him in reality, unfortunately the initial contact and the affair did happen. Now, I know that I can not have this person be any part of my daydream world, and I don't want him to be...I needed a complete break...in my email to OM I explained how in love with my H that I am and how I do not want further contact with him, but I needed to understand the why for our recovery to continue...I understand that that is hard for everyone to grasp, especially BS's, and I honestly didn't mean to step on any toes with this. I just know that most posts are from BS's and when I first began reading here I really wanted a WS's point of view. Again, I am not recommending what I did to others, in fact I can very much see where in most cases it would be detrimental, I'm simply pointing out that generalizations can be dangerous and some people respond to different stimulus than others. I think that maybe my first post implied that I wanted a different response from OM than I got...that's true, but I wasn't looking for a positive response, what I wanted was a specific answer as to what or who made him come to his senses and even expressed how I wish it had been me that came to my senses first...he never answered that, he skirted the issue and I have no problem with that, because in answering the way that he did I got the answer to an unasked question...what kind of person are you? a very cruel one was the answer that I got...again, I'm sorry for needing this, but I did. What I did to my H was the worst thing in the world, I wish more than anything I could take it back, I can't, all I can do is go forward from here...

I guess the point I was trying to make, and others is - all you can do is go forward from here....but when you first said NC and started coming here, why wasn't that the first day all you did was go forward from here.

Honestly - as much as you think contacting him to discover he was a jerk...it just sounds so foggy to me - and this coming from a gal who has been very thick in the fog herself... It's dangerous in any shape or form, no matter what your past history had been.

What if he did want something with you and he wasn't such a jerk - how would your husband feel about that - you wouldn't have the closure you have now - was that really a risk worth taking? I think NOT.

I worry that since you are willing to take more and more risks like that - you aren't truly in recovery and haven't really experiences concequences to your actions.