Just found out a few days ago, my W has been having an A. A few months ago, she said she was unhappy and while she still loves me, she was not in love with me anymore. I came to the MB site and realized some of the mistakes I/we had made and told my W that I wanted to work on our marriage. She was kind about it, but would not committ to anything, and moved out so she could have some time to figure out what she wanted to do. She recently moved back in, but still could not tell me what she wanted to do. A few days later, I found eveidence that she was or is having an A. I confronted her about it and she admitted to the A. She said it was an EA that had moved to PA and shortly after it become a PA she felt guilty and ended the A. (all the evidence I found does not contradict this and suggests the A ended several months ago). She was not very apologetic about the A. She seemed more concerned about how the A made her feel (guilty, embarassed, etc.) than how it hurt me. I came back to MB and read more. I finally decided that the new information did not change my desire to restore our marriage. When I told her this, she still would not committ to working with me to rebuild what we lost.

I have decided to go with a plan A approach. My concerns are: How do I really know the A has ended? Is it normal for the WS to not readily agree to work on things? Is this evidence that the A continues? How do I talk to her about these concerns without it being recieved as a LB? What is a good sign that she may be willing to try?

I know I'm only a week from D-Day, but I feel like I'm executing Plan A against a brick wall. In a week, not even a hint that it matters or will make a difference.

Any advice is appreciated

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have found a great place to be.

If there is really no contact, she still won't feels like working on the marriage for awhile. Start with Plan A, but don't expect her to notice anything. Don't expect her to be apologetic either.

I hope that she is not working with the other man, or in any other kind of contact with him. If she is, forget about her having a change of heart.

Thanks for the advice. She does not work with the OM and says she has broken off all contact. But she travels a lot for work. The time apart makes me nervous.

Okay, where did she meet the OM? Also were there problems in the marriage that she complained about?

She met the OM at a bar on one of the many nights she was "working late".

She never complained about problems in the marriage. Part of why I am so confused. We never really fought much. After looking at some of the LB's on the MB site, I can clearly see now that I have done some things wrong. But never a word about it from the WS.

I sometimes think my W is not honest with me about her EN, because she is afraid it will hurt my feelings. She won't open up for fear of hurting me, but has an A to meet her EN. This hurts much more.

Your story is very common. Lots of us never knew there was a problem. But there is a lot of hope for your marriage. Start in Plan A, and see what happens. You won't get results at first, but later on.

I am at the same piont you are. I pushed to hard with plan A and my wife and I had to seperate. everyone is right.You will not see any results at all. I didn't for 4 weeks and got so frusterated that i did pushy things( demands,clingy behavior that I thought was meeting EN) that drove her away. although I feel the seperation is good , because we have space now to work on ourselves for awhile. It beats the pressure cooker you know. However it adds to my anxiety and I don't reccomend it if you can avoid it.

Thanks for the advice. My WW is out of town on work. I find this time very difficult not to push. I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about it, so I spend hours alone with my thoughts until she calls. When she does, I can't seem to help but try to bring up working on the M. Its tough

It's tough, but it's also choice. You have to just choose, and then force yourself to do it. Even tho you want answers desparately.

However, this forum is a good place to vent and chat and seek help, so make use of it.

Thanks. I will make the right choice(s). It just feels like

walking on a balance beam all day long, the classic definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result), and smiling while a float into a black hole. All at the same time

Never was an optimist before, must have been saving all that hope up for something.

Hi, since my reply last week everythng has changed. the affair has continued(it stopped for two weeks). I don't mean to add to your anxiety,but don't trust her my friend at all. I heard the same line from my wife. "I am not in love with you". "I need space to think" sorry my friend it's all B$LL S&*t. Don't be shocked when you find more evidence of an ongoing affair.keep looking too.. Don't drop your gaurd for a second, like I did, No matter what bable she throws at you. My ww was supposed to go to her sisters place to think, Riiiiight. she never showed up and thought that they would hide it from me. this was the night before our anniversary. You aren't dealing with your wife anymore my friend she is a whole different animal now. trust me on this. everyone on this site tried to tell me what I am telling you now. I didn't listen and now I am paying for it. the affair is still going on my friend.

Thanks - I'm keeping my guard up. How was your WW acting during this time. My WW has opened up considerably lately. Talked more about her feelings and been saying things she knows I don't want to hear. This is progress for her. She agreed to go through the LB's and EN's and actually did it and seemed very honest about it. She has gone back and forth between agreeing to work on the M. Some days yes, some days can't committ right now, some days willing, but doesn't believe it will do any good. Sometimes wonder if I'm getting the tip of the iceberg.