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This situation is hopeless. I feel like I could continue with Plan A for a while longer, but WH has really gone deep into the FOG. I could see glimpses of H over the past day or two, but after major situation last night he has disappeared all together. I think Plan B is due. We took a major step forward on Monday morning and 1,000 steps backward last night. Went to church together Sunday evening and yesterday morning WH said he would actually stop the communication with OW(upon my asking of course). Good feeling, hugging and long looks into each other's eyes. WOW I could actually see H in there. Last night, OW was beaten by her H. WH was told the story from a friend. WH never saw OW so it is all based on what another person saw. WH would not go into details. He begged me not to communicate with OW's H anymore(which I haven't in over a week). OW's H said he had "new info" on Sunday & showed OW an e-mail. I told WH that I was not the responsible one for what happened last night. He said yeah, that he was completely responsible. I told him it took two to make an A. Anyway, he meant regarding giving me the info that I ended up using to contact OW's H. More on that conversation......skipping through. WH contacted OW's brother(first time) to tell him what happened. OW's brother said: So, are you the reason? WH said that doesn't make it(the abuse) o.k. WH didn't get the response he wanted......So, I guess her brother is not going to do anything to help his sister out..... I asked WH why her brother would make a comment like that first thing. WH said that OW's H has told her family all about the A!!(thanks for doing my work - that wasn't nice to say, was it??) and that OW's H has been telling her family for 10 years off and on that OW has been messing around ---- and OW has been sticking around her H to get beaten off & on also. The two were close to hashing everything out for the D. So now, with all of the evidence I HAVE PROVIDED OW's H is working on a new game plan. WH thinks I made contact subconsciously thinking that OW would get hurt or killed and that's how the affair would end. I told WH that he knew me better than that and I have said 100 times that I do not wish harm on any person. WH chose to sleep in extra bedroom tonight. He is sick with worry again....I suggested he find a support group of some sort. He needs help as I do believe he has lost his mind. Said that now OW won't talk to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Said that I just might get my wish now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> I'm sure OW will settle down and they will be back together in a day or so.(Hmm....why didn't I think to say that to WH!!!! That would have been a good one!) I have left out a lot, but this gives you the jist of the situation. I was planning an exposure at work, but am going to wait(why, you ask?? b/c I feel like I need to. Melody, thank you so much for your response the other day to my question on the above subject. I did look at that scripture and yes, I am one of those slow learners that all of you have referenced. Might ruin my marriage, but that's just me. It is a great fault of mine, could be the Libra in me, but I weigh things back and forth. Mulling it over.....) So this leads me to the decision that I need to implement Plan B soon. I need to read and research more, but since I am going on what I feel like is close to 9 weeks of Plan A I think it is time. I want to do it the first week in August. DS starts school the second week so I think it would hit WH hard not being around for DS starting his first day of Kindergarden. Both WH & I are taking off some days the end of the month so I do want to make arrangements for some special activities and just have fun. That will leave a lasting memory. I am seriously considering setting up a session with the Harley's. I don't know if I will schedule it for just me or the two of us. What do you think? Do I contact a lawyer now?? Can I make WH move out?? How do I take care of the mortgage & bills?? I work, but can't pay for them all myself...... Thanks! Kimberly D-Day May 14th Married 13 years DS, age 5
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Last night, OW was beaten by her H.
WH was told the story from a friend. WH never saw OW so it is all based on what another person saw. WH would not go into details. He begged me not to communicate with OW's H anymore(which I haven't in over a week). I did not read any more of your post than this. There is no reason to. You continue to be played for the fool. If you continue to let yourself be the "foo", you will continue to get "foolish" results. Sour...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Sour....
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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nonononono, Kim, it is not time for Plan B. Your actions have very probably ended this affair. Your H is in withdrawal. So that means that you should be there for him. It will be hard to watch, but don't give up just when you get so close!
I suspect the affair is on its last legs. Would your H REALLY REALLY jeopardize her safety and contact her again?? That would really cruel if he did that, wouldn't it?
If he doesn't end the affair, THEN you can go expose them at work.
His withdrawal is a GOOD SIGN, not a bad sign, so hang there and say lots of prayers! You did good, Kim!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WH contacted OW's brother(first time) to tell him what happened. OW's brother said: So, are you the reason?
WH said that doesn't make it(the abuse) o.k. WH didn't get the response he wanted......So, I guess her brother is not going to do anything to help his sister out..... This part of your Waywards story is very very bogus. No man worth anything is going to react with such blase indifference to his sister getting beat up. Your Wayward is pulling out all of the stops to get you to stop the damage to his affair. He is tugging at your "heart" to show compassion becasue even her own brother wont show it..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I personally disagree with Mel in that I don't necessarily think your WH is in withdrawal. I think he is just like a rat scurrying when the lights come on. Why don't you investigate a little more on this. Why you continue to believe your WH is beyond me. He is still a WAYWARD Husband at this moment. Just my .02. I could certainly be wrong about your situation. It wouldn't be the 1st time. Sour... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Kim, lemonman is right, that story is bullshi*. He made it up to keep you from contacting the OWH. The OW is trying to calm down her H and convince him she isn't having an affair. That lie won't work as long as you continue to keep the OWH informed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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P.S. you can call the police station and get the police report of the beating and the OWH arrest. But first you should call the OWH and ask his side of the story.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OH!!! Melody, I didn't realize that!!! I thought this was a bad sign. You are right though, he said he doesn't dare contact her, that he waits for her call. I guess that is why he resorted to contacting a family member. BUT, he has to be in touch with her somewhat due to the JOB.
I still have trouble seeing where he is going to ever stop thinking about how to help her. So him withdrawing from me is good?? He was so sulky tonight after dinner & is just sick to his stomach.
Again, begged me not to contact OW's H. I said, Yeah, and I have asked you to do some things too.(stop communicating with OW)
WOW, thanks for the encouragement. I feel better now!! O.k., I will keep at Plan A.
I just wonder if OW's H has hired a PI?? He sounds like the type who would.
Lemon Man: I wish you'd read the rest of my post - I really am coming around. Is it b/c I am not in contact with OW's H anymore or believing the abuse thing??
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, don't give up contact with the OWH! That is critical to stopping this affair and keeping it stopped!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kim:
I will believe that the OWH is an abuser and is indeed beating the $hit out of the OW when your Wayward husband find HIMSELF on the other end of a royal A$$ kicking from the OWH. When your WH calls you from the hospital with a broken jaw and a fractured frontal bone, then I will say "Yup, Kimberly, you were right". Not a moment sooner. You see, abusers like what you are being led to believe your OWH is, don't have rationlality. If your OW is getting her A$$ kicked over this affair, your WH would be in the hospital now. A supposed abuser like the OWH is not going to all of the sudden display rationality when it comes to your H......trust me....I deal with at least one episode of this B$ every weekend that I take trauma call. I am an expert in this horrible subject.
Sour...
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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OH!!! Is it b/c I am not in contact with OW's H anymore or believing the abuse thing??
Kim Both. Why would you give up your trump card in talking to the OWH? There is no reason to do that. I don't have the first clue about when to do a Plan A (Mel is obviusly your better guide here), but I am literally nauesous with your gullability on this abuse thing. I know that you SO BAD what to believe your husband.......DON'T !!!!! You are letting your own FOG come in here. Your WH is "not different" than any other WS here. Why is it that people can tell you in advance and with such precise accuracy what he is going to say or do? It is not that we are fortune tellers or have ESP. Don't be like the dieter who eats at Pizza Hut to celebrate losing 5 pounds......keep ordering the grilled chicken salads....EXPOSURE and BOUNDARY ENFORCEMENT. YOu were making progress and then HALTED your own progress. Keep in contact with the OWH. Check out the police report. Turn over every stone here......and watch the snake slither uncomfortably away. SOur.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by lemonman; 07/19/05 09:43 PM.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Shoot, and I thought I was getting a bit better with the way I was handling things.....
OW did NOT report the abuse. So there is no report. O.k. more evidence for you two that the story is bogus. I won't keep talking about the abuse part then. Just wanted you to know what is being said to me, whether it is believable or not.
I don't think there is any way that OW can convince her H that she is not having an A.
So Melody, do you now think that WH is not in withdrawal??
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Shoot, and I thought I was getting a bit better with the way I was handling things..... Well, keep coming her and you will indeed get better. You are making progress, now you just have to learn to NOT halt it. Mel has done a fantastic job guiding you here (makes me sick just saying that.....LOL/JK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). Sour....
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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My WH is not in the Hospital yet b/c I didn't give OWH my personal name. Now I shall wait for your screams at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> K
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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O.k., so am I one of the most stubborn and slow-learning person that you've ever seen????
K
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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My WH is not in the Hospital yet b/c I didn't give OWH my personal name. Now I shall wait for your screams at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> K LOL, come on girl. If I didn't care about you I wouldn't be posting. Please don't shoot the messenger before you read the message. I know I may sound very harsh with my opinions, but it is ONLY becasue I want to help you succeed. I am just not a "soothing" and "nurturing" guy. Thta is just not one of my strengths. I am fallibe. I admiteddly cannot help you out with a plan to win the Wayward back, but I can help you out with remaning sane and smart while you navigate this mess. Remember I am on your side.....if perhaps some day I becomme a Wayward Spouse I will be on the side of the Waywards arguing for their plight.....LOL J/K BOL, as always Sourmale, MD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by lemonman; 07/19/05 09:55 PM.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Did lightening strike ya, Dr Sour?? Kim, I think your H is lying about the abuse story. It is phony as a $4 bill. But, I also think he is in withdrawal but is hoping that he can get back with the OW soon. The only impediment is the OWH, which you riled up with your contact. So, he has to con you into shutting up so he can continue his affair. That is what I think is going on. That is why you MUST MUST MUST keep in touch with the OWH and let your H know that his little "story" didn't "work." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kim, why don't you also call the OM's brother and get the story straight from him? Can you get his # without your H knowing?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for not yelling at me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LM, ya know I appreciate your posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I am Little Miss Tenderheart and I do know you mean well. They have most definitely helped me work through some things in my mind. Melody, I saw a couple of new #'s on WH's cell phone. I am going to do a reverse look up and see if I can figure out who they belong to. I know you are both right in me keeping in touch with OWH, but I think calling the OW's brother would be a great way to confirm or prove untrue the stories.... Awesome suggestion!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Melody!!! That was way too easy!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> WH keyed in what I believe to be both the OW's brother's phone # & her Dad's phone # into his cell phone's phone book. Now, I have to think of how to handle this........I have last name, addresses, etc. now.
Is WH stupid?? Oops, hope he doesn't read this... I do still love him!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Good girl!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
ok, here is what you do, Kim. Call them up tomorrow and tell them that your H is having an affair with his sister/daughter and that you are trying to save your marriage. Politely tell them your name and your H's name. Tell them that you have been married for xyz years and have xyz children.
Ask for their help in helping to break up the affair and ask them to speak to the OW. And ask if your H's stories are true that her H beats her.
You could also speak to the OW's mother if she answers.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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