Hello - I'm new here. What a great support group! I'm finding so much valuable info here.

In a nutshell (sorry, not really down with the acronyms yet)...

Husband of 8 years is a surgery resident and is @ hospital ~100 hours per week, often 2-3 nights overnight. Despite not seeing each other very much, I thought our relationship was pretty great.

June 1 he revealed an 18 mo. affair with an intern in another dept. He ended it (ANY contact whatsoever) mid-May. I was FLOORED. I had NO CLUE whatsoever. His job and time away from home made it very convenient for him to carry this on behind my back. He did an extremely good job of hiding it from EVERYONE, especially me.

He claims the relationship was "only sexual." He also admitted to having a problem with internet pornography, and that she was a good "substitute" since he couldn't access porn sites at the hospital. They would contact each other by pagers/hospital phones and meet in accessory call rooms in the basement of the hospital. He claims that stress/lack of sleep were large contributing factors to his weakness, and it only occurred about once a month - when he got "the itch."

He said they started out as good friends, they just seemed to "click," but he never told her that he loved her and made it very clear to her that nothing would come of it. She was single and living with her boyfriend when their affair started, and she even GOT MARRIED to him while the affair was still going on.

Now looking back, we realize that we were not meeting each others EN's. Deep down I was lonely, feeling like a single mother raising 2 (now 3 - I got pregnant during the affair) young kids, but never expressed my feelings - worrying that it would add further stress to his already extremely stressful career. This resulted in my distancing away from him, and whenever he wanted to be intimate, I was disinterested, exhausted, and resentful of the amount of hours he spent at work and his lack of attention to me and the kids. So, I guess since he wasn't getting it as often as he would have liked at home, he got it somewhere else.

He now feels horrible and is very repentant. He has even confessed to our church leaders about both the affair and the pornography and is meeting with them on a regular basis. He has been very supportive, patient and loving with me since dropping the A-BOMB.

Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, I am OVERWHELMED with feelings of resentment and can't seem to stop "playing" the images I have created in my mind of them together, being angry with him for what he did, etc. I want to move on more than anything...what's done is done and I can't do anything to change the past, my husband continually apologizes and tries to console me, he says he'd "rather burn in Hell than watch you suffer like this"...yet I am so overcome with feelings of inadequacy, depression, anger and betrayal that I can hardly function, and the deposits he's attempting to put in my love bank don't seem to be going through. I know that time heals - it's only been a month and a half - but I'm so afraid that I will continue to go downhill and he will eventualy give up on me.

My husband and I agreed that it would be easiest on everyone if we didn't make this a public matter. But sometimes I feel like I need to "talk" to someone in my similar situation. I'm so grateful I found this discussion board and am hopeful that it will help.

Does anybody have any suggestions/daily mind exercises/books to ward off these feelings of resentment and stop obsessing about the past? I'm pretty sure my feelings are normal, AREN'T THEY? I'm so sick of the roller coaster and not knowing how to deal with my thoughts and feelings. Also, has anyone found antidepressants helpful?

FORGIVENESS IS MY ULTIMATE GOAL. But the road to it seems to be under construction.

Kree,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are such a young mom and having to deal with this on top of normal life trials.

Please consider the following suggestions:

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. You and your H take the emotional needs questionnaire located in the concepts section.

3. Both read: His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair

4. Call Steve Harley @ MB for some phone counseling. You both need a recovery plan. A personal and marital one.

5. Keep posting here.

6. Read my link about the 5 stages of grieving. Learn what a BS in recovery needs to go through. The degree will vary but most go through similar stages.

7. Find someone close you can speak with. A good MC familar with MB principles w/b good if you can't talk with Steve.

You are closer to recovery than most but not out of the woods yet. There are going t/b good and bad days. Anxiety attacks could happen. Be prepared.

Recovery takes effort on both parts. More effort on the WS than the BS.

take care,
L.

Hi kree,

Yes, I am very sorry you are here too, but you have found a great site that can help you through these next few months if you read and take in all the advice that's here.
But you wont get a quick fix I'm afraid. Your emotions are somethng you will have to deal with and tell your husband this. Don't suppress them - I did (H had affair with co-worker, off and on for over 6 years and I had not a clue!) and it now know it deepened my resentment for him.

So when you are angry, upset, low, full of resentment, let it out and talk to your H about how you feel each day. Don't be scared of upsetting things with him. He sounds very remorseful, and part of his responsibility for the affair is how you are feeling now - so let him help you through it.

There is an excellent book by Dr. Shirley Glass called someting like 'Not just Friends' that I had delivered to the UK from the US and we both read it. I got it from a link on this site. It makes a lot of sense of your feeling, and your H's, and teaches you both how to deal with things that will happen to you both over the next few months.

Because of that book and this website I've managed to get through some of my darkest days ever and get a lot of things in perspective about myself, my H and the A.

Thinking of you both, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hope

kree -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. You are perfectly normal in your thoughts and feelings. It sounds like your husband is very remorseful, and is doing the right things.

You can make your thoughts change by just telling yourself "stop", when they come up over and over again.

If you feel like you are continuing in a downward spiral, by all means talk to your doctor about some anti-D's. They work wonders, and take the edge off of your feelings so you can move to help yourself.

kree,
You are in the right place. I too am in the same situation. I found out about a month or so ago. Anyway my H also is remorseful and is doing everything he can. I feel resentment and anger and everything else. I Have not told a single family member on my side. His parents are the only ones that know. I have 4 sisters who I could talk to and a step sister that went through this before, but I just can't bring myself to tell anyone else. It just seems to be something I want to keep private, but I also need someone to talk to. I guess maybe IC is the answer.

kree,
Your story is looks like my life to the tee.I found out on x-mas and that was because i found a reciept for a five dollar bear that i did'nt get. My H too worked fulltime with overtime went to school full time with lots of homework. I still wonder were he got the time. She was a co-worker. He never had feelings of love. He felt bad for her. She told soob stories about her M which come to find out were not true.She too said all these great things about him which made him feel good.Cause she filled his mind with lets have sex no one will find out. I don't care if your not gonna leave your wife. It will be fun. I guess after so many times he gave in. He to said he was evil he was twisted.He now thinks he will burn in hell.I know how sorry he is. I yet struggle to forgive. I also felt like a single momn with two kids. My H did leave this job. He know is an active part in this family. I could not be happier.He does everything for me. See i write all thie but yet im still dying inside. I still want deteils.I put my own in my head and they are horrible.He can't go thru this over and over it kills him.I know he is soooo sorry why can't i leave it alone.I also have not told anyone,but sometimes i wish i did.I wish too i had someone to talk to. See you are not alone. We are all in this terrible place,but soon hopefullt it will be nothing but a distant memory.
#1mom

This series of articles on How to Survive Infidelity is a good starting point:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html


Part 4 talks about overcoming resentment. (It ain't easy.)

With prayers,

Welcome to General Discussion (told you it was better)

Jumping right in --- Were you being the wife you dreamed of being? You now get the opportunity to fix/change yourself you may never have had otherwise. You can choose to grow as a person and as a wife or remain stuck in the past. You have a WH (wayward husband) back home with you, exposing himself, standing naked in front of you saying he wants to change (others don't get this). He's got problems (maybe insurmontable problems). You've got resentment. As you stated, you feared burdening him with your needs then I'm certain he probably felt fearful burdening you with his. After all, you had already sacrificed so much for his career, his goals, to be at home doing the impossibly difficult job of raising/rearing 2, now 3 of his kids. I'm not justifying his behavior, it's just where you were at in your marriage. You can perhaps take your mind off resentment at times by taking the opportunity and some time to individually grow yourself. Think of it as growing regardless of the affair, regardless of your marriage, etc.

I hope you are sharing with him your fear that he won't be able to put up with your resentment and your fear of driving him away with your resentment. I sounds as though he is giving you reassurance and freedom to keep expressing your feelings as he should till they are a dead horse. By expressing your fears of losing him you are telling him - I don't want to lose you, I want to work this out, I'm am not going to divorce you. These are probably his biggest fears right now. Anything you say after that has safety in it for him and you can resent away. In time (sometimes lots of time), with this site, reading, and communicating with husband you can get a handle on your feelings and intellectually think through them.

Your story actually helps me as the betrayed spouse. Sure my wife had the affair, but she was in the position you were in, at home, isolated, with kids, depressed while I worked my life away. She never even considered having an affair. It was not in her character (guess it is now). But she fell from grace, down the slippery slope with an old highschool boyfriend that contacted her at her lowest point and became her savior. I thank God it happened that way. I'm wired to handle it. If our marriage had continued the way it was pre-affair, I believe a divorce was inevitable. If I had been tempted like your husband to have a secret sex affair at work, no strings, no feelings, no obligations, I would have been tempted. I'm human. I like to think I'm noble. That I would not have done it as most here all do. But I allow - maybe. If I had had the affair, like you, my wife would not have been able to accept it. To see her own fallability. She would have denied to the grave her ability to be unfaithful to me and perhaps, as she says, never recovered from my actions. BTW (by the way)- your husband will eventually admire and love you more for your strenth and perseverance should you choose to move beyond this and forgive him.

You see - Dr. Harley (or did I read this elsewhere, I don't know) points out it's a weakness in all of us. All humans are wired to have a affairs. Marriage is not just being faithfull, it's not putting yourself in a position to be unfaithful. Temptation is out there for all of us. Having the tools to recognize it, internalizing the consequences, accepting responsibility, and taking the requisite action to separate yourself from it. That is character. That is fidelity. Nobody taught me this till now. I learned it the hard way. You shouldn't have trusted him as you did and I shouldn't have trusted my wife. But we are the lucky ones. The one's with the second chance with family intact with a chance to have the marriage we dreamed of having. For ourselves. My wife is clear, there are no third chances for her. With the guilt and remorse she is expressing I tend to believe and trust that this will never happen again. Take care of yourself. You are entitled to demand some alone time, away from the kids -- join a health club and make him fit it into his schedule. However, don't even consider retaliation, it won't work nor help but statistically you are at some risk of considering it.

Good luck again (sorry I'm so longwinded, even if it doesn't help you, it's cathartic to me, thanks for listening)

Thanks so much for all your input and advice. I agree with your reference, ACTdontreact, to what Dr. Harley said about humans being wired to have affairs. Sometimes I think my husband just beat me to it! I believe we were both equally vulnerable. And I don't honestly know how I would have reacted if I were faced with a similar situation - would I have been able to just say no and walk away? But now we both know darn well where limits need to be set, for either of us, so that hopefully this does not happen again in the future. And I do believe that if we make it through this successfully, our relationship will reach a much higher level than before.

It's a good thing that not all is forgotten - or we'd keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. But I'm hopeful that the pain associated with this situation will decrease over time, and many of you have confirmed that. I just need to be patient!

Hope17, I have read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. I read it just before reading SAA. It is excellent. It pretty much covers EVERYTHING about an A. I checked them both out from the library, but I think I ought to just purchase them so that I can highlight, dog ear, and underline the most important topics so that I can go back and read them, especially when I'm reaching a low point.

I'm going to check out the other links, thanks so much.

It's so nice to know that there are others out there who have been through this - and that I'm not going totally crazy (though it feels that way most of the time!). Thank you all for your advice. I'm hoping to be one of the "pros" too, one day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you are doing well tonight. There will be ups and downs, but I think you will get through this.

Now the hard part - recovery. You and your husband need to discuss ways of preventing this from happening again.