I just recently found out that my Husband cheated again. I have been dealing with his cheating, affairs, etc. for over 6 years now. I though we were finally doing better. I was trying my very best to meet all of his needs. I have loved him with all of my heart and soul. I am very strongly against divorce, but I finally give up. He is not a loyal person. He will never be a loyal person. I can not take it anymore. I cried last night. It was so hard to lay on my bed and try to fall a sleep without his arm around me. In some ways I feel numb. I thought I could save our marriage and make us work, but I was wrong. I cry for my 3 beautiful children. This is so unfair to them. They are cheated out of so many things by all of this. Rene is the only man I have ever been with. It is so difficult to piture my life with out him. I never thought I would be a divorcee. It goes against everything in my body. My future feels so black and dark. I am ashamed to admit I can not even get it together for the sake of my kids. What is wrong with me. The idea of being alone without a Husband is extremely depressing. I love my kids they are amazing, but it is different then the companionship of a Husband. Why can I not get it together.

I am terribly sorry for your pain.

You have to protect yourself right now and separate yourself from this evil. Please take care of those children as well.

And it sounds like you tried. Probably really hard. But, as I read your post something stood out to me. I don't think any marriage can be saved when "I" try to save it. I think it can only be saved when "We" try to save it.

I am sorry your teammate was playing for the other side. God be with you.

I have to leave to go teach Summer School. I pray I do not break down in front of my students like this. Please pray for me and my children.

And it does feel like evil is killing my soul and spirit. My dreams are shattered.

Stormy,
I have been wondering where you were. I had hoped that your disappearance from these boards was a good thing. I am sorry to find you back here.
Your WH is lost, just as my WW is lost. It is a helpless feeling to know this. All I can offer you is to seek God on this, knowing that with Him you are never alone. I will pray that He will wrap his loving arms around you and your kids during this time and will give you the comfort you need to get through this.

WCNT

A part of me has always know I could not save it by myself, but it is so hard to let go. I could never force him to be loyal and faithful , to value our marriage and family.

I am at home. I am off on Fridays in the Summer time. It is so quiet and lonely. I am trying to take baby steps. I feel like I can not function. It is so quiet and lonely. I have never lived alone without an adult roomate, family member, or for my HUsband. I have me children, but it is so completely different than also having my HUsband here. I wish I could forward three years into the future. I am not confidant I would feel any different, but I pray I am wrong. I am such a loyal person. I am never been with anyony else at all and I have never even pictured it. I feel so lost, lonely, and dark. The marriage is over with and we are getting a divorce. I am so pathetic. Why can't I just accept that and move on. I am 31. My children are 3 1/2, 2, and 1. I want and need to be strong for them and am failing.

Hi , WCNT. I thought things were going better, but the good times (they were good to me) did not end up lasting. I am seeking God. I know God loves me, but I miss and desire the love and touch of my HUsband. I wiaf God was more physical. I want his actual arms around me. I would hug him so tight and cry on his shoulders like a bay if it was possible. My flesh desires that physical prescence. I am so lonely for that best friend that is always there. He always did horrible things behind my back, but we did so many things together that even though the horrible was horrible I still miss the good. I am so pathetic . I need to let go. He has thrown me & the kids away. Why can I not just be happy and joyful without him.

Stormy,
the spiritual wrapping of his arms around you can be so much more fulfilling than the physical. You must also know, that if you ask he will never unwrap His arms from you, unlike the flawed and broken people that occupy this earth. You must seek that.
I know that this is a dark and scary time for you right now. But you must know that it wont last. There will be good again. The sun will come up and the birds will sing.
One thing I have found to be true throughout my trying times, is that if I find a way to be a blessing to someone less fortunate than I, it is extremely beneficial to my own attitude and outlook. I dont know if you can do that yet, but keep that in mind and work towards being able to do that. As a teacher, you probably already are to one extent or another. In my early dark days on this board, you were extremely helpful to me. I so appreciated the kindness you extended to me and will always be grateful. So, I know that you are one that is a giver. Find a way to nurture that side of yourself, and the blessings will flow your way. You will once again have an abundant life. I know it.

Thanks for the kind words. I am glad that I am teaching summer school. It forces me to wake up, get dressed, brush my teeth, and get out of the house everyday. It forces me to focus on my students for a while. My poor children. I am having such a hard time funstioning that I am not tending to them they way that I should. Normally, I would keep them on my days off, but I just dropped them off at day care so I could stay at home and cry. I do not feel right emotionally or physcially. I am having horrible head aches, can't fall, a sleep , etc. I feel weak not strong. I really believed if I prayed and stood on God's word that soemhow we would make it. All of my hopes and dreams are shattered beyond repair. When will it start to feel a little better or all start to feel okay. When will God help me let go and move on.

I am sorry that you are in such pain. I have been there. I used to hug myself and imagine it was Jesus holding me tightly.

Try to use this time to become closer to God and go inside yourself on this journey to self love and independence without a H. That journey took me a very long time, but I feel so much a better and happier person now having gone through it and KNOWING I am ok without a H by my side.

I'll keep trying. I do not want to be this pathetic person who throws a pity party for herself for the rest of her life. These dark feelings are so intense ans strong. Even the back of my throat has a huge lump in it. Ifeel sick emotionally and physcially. I can not even put it into words.

Sometimes it's a lifestyle, not a "mistake".

Knowing when to fold at poker happends on a learning curve.

Don't beat yourself up.

I know that sick in the stomac feeling and the darkness that seems to engulf....just remember...it is always darkest before the morning breaks! and Jesus is in the darkness with you...HOLD TIGHT TO HIS HAND!

your not pathetic.....your greiving the death of your marriage....just like the death of someone close...you just have to through the process. If not then you will stay stuck! don't fight the greving process!

You will make it! Just keep seeking God on this until you get an answer. Run your race till it is finished!
As far as praying and standing on God's word, continue to do that. As many have said before, it takes two people to make a M work. You cannot be responsible for, or change the actions of your WS. At a certain point we are all faced with the decision whether or not to move on. It looks like you have had to make that decision. God didnt fail you in this situation, a broken and flawed human being failed himself and subsequently failed you and his family.
Once again, continue to seek God on this and ask for Him to bless you with His favor and He will.

Appreciate all the support. I am just trying to focus on breathing and taking care of my children. I'll continue to seek God. Trying to be strong. I have a Church, but everyone ask where's Rene or some similar comment. They mean well, but it is all so painful. So, many memories.