WF came to visit our son last night. Left his cell phone behind. I snooped. Found freq. called number even though he swears he's been faithful. Called it. New OW name is Melissa. *DD for PA was Feb. 8, 2005* Apparantly last night is now discovery day of EA with new OW; which coincidentally coincides with around the time he ended the PA with OW #1... I am depressed. I cried in the shower, least I didn't have to wipe the snot off my nose. I have begged for emotional intimacy, genuine friendship, anything real conversations. All I get is anger, self-rightousness, thrown my way. WHy is it that I offer genuine unconditional love and he runs from that? OW #2 (of EA) told me that he had told her "it was over (with me)"back in April '05.. Imagine having to learn the fate of one's relationship from a 3rd party in antoher state. I feel so broken. I have no more hope. I guess I should just try and forget WF... if that's even possible. and give up, my God I have never had this kind of horrible gut wrenching ache in my heart, that feels like somone stabbed my very soul. God help me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

My statment wasn't purely rhetorical <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

cereal, I am sorry you find yourself in this place, but I think you received very valuable advice on your other thread. It is very rare that we are unanimous in our opinions, but that was the case in your situation. I wish we could wave a magic wand for you, but we can't. It always comes back to acceptance; you must accept him how he is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please go back and read the advice you got on your last thread.

I feel like I'm not getting something obvious? I'm sitting here thinking....DUH? what am I not getting? is is like when the doctor tells a person they have terminal cancer, they must just go home and die? do I have terminal cancer?

cereal, what has terminal cancer is your belief that you can change someone. You can't change him. He is what he is and you can't change him.

Did you read the replies in your previous thread?

cereal,


What are you not getting? You are not getting the feeling like you want to leave this man. Trust me - it wasn't until a week after my D that I finally got the 'feeling' that I wanted to be out of a relationship with my H. And we had been separated since Aug 2004.

But one of the key lessons we learn here on MB is that you can't act based only on your feelings. You have to use your head every once in a while <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. And a lot of times it takes a great amount of strength to do something you KNOW is right, but don't FEEL yet.

But here's the bottom line. You WILL be OK without him. You WILL find love again. You WILL heal. But you must have faith that at some point your feelings WILL catch up to your head.

As ML said, go reread all those posts until they become your mantra. You will gain strength and faith in yourself as you start doing what you KNOW is best.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am truly sorry you are feeling this pain, though. I remember what it felt like for me. And it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I am so very sorry it hurts SO much. It will get better....I promise.

I will re-read the other thread and all it's replies. Part of the problem is just what you said, my mind and heart are on parallel courses. But one day it won't just be intellectual. Of course the other problem is my tenacity, it can both serve me well and hurt me. In this case my willfulness/stubborness it serving to harm me. I have known intellectually for at least a year that I need to re-build with just me and our son. the pain is overwhelming I hope I go back into numb mode soon, at least I become pleasantly detached and function on auto-pilot rather than this emotional turmoil/suffering. thanks again, I will re-read them until something changes in my and I allow my brain to take over things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Cereal,

Take some time to build your strength and resolve. Ask yourself the hard questions.....and ask them about TODAY - not about what it COULD BE.

1) Is this (today) relationship what you want in a marriage?

2) Is this (today) the kind of relationship you want your kids to model?

3) Is this (today) relationship healthy ?

4) Would it be acceptable for him to treat your children the same way he treats you (today)?

Cogitate those answers. Ask yourself over and over. Have friends ask you. Start to get comfortable with the idea of standing up for what you want in a marriage. Get comfortable with the idea that you deserve that. Get comfortable with the idea that if (and ONLY IF) he begins to treat you with respect and in a loving manner, GOES to counseling to help himself (note that I didn't say 'is willing to'), and starts to make fundamental changes in himself, then you might re-evaluate.

The more you set your standards for how you want to be treated, the stronger you will get, and the less gut wrenching the pain will be. It will still hurt, and it will hurt a lot....but it will turn into more of a grieving pain instead of a life ending pain.

You also might consider some Anti-D's during this time as well - if you are the type of person who is not against them. They helped me to bear the pain enough to make my cognitive decisions....and then when I was removed from the situation and some time had passed, I was in better condition to really feel and deal with the pain.

Just some suggestions from one who is just as tenacious as you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. My motto was always "if there's a will, there's a way." And as you said....it's both helpful and hurtful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I have an appt. booked next week with a pyschiatrist for a med. eval. I'll let you know how it goes. I so very much appreciate you replies. I'm glad to know the pain will end. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, right!

Right!

From one tenacious to another.

Learn faster, I stuck with a man Waaaay longer than I needed to.... You know what you need to do...

Cereal,

YES! There is light. You may have to go through the darkness to get there, but it is well worth it!

SHMI - REALLY like your sig line <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />