My husband confessed to cheating on me with his ex wife. He has a son with her.ANd she is also remarried. He has been SO
sorry for what he has done and he has done everything he can to reassure me but it makes everything doubly hard because we still have to deal with her because of his son.There is no getting away from the "lover" in our case. What do we do? What do I do? Before he and Imet and married he had an affair with her once before (this was after she had remarried that this happened) So this is the second time she has cheated on her husband with my husband. This is the first time he has cheated on me but I am SOOOO afraid it will happen again. He's done it twice with her before. He says he in no way loves her and has even told her so in my presence but I am still not sure how to handle her and the feelings. This came out of the blue. I never saw it coming. I did EVERYTHING! I was a GOOD wife. I thought we were happy! THis has been devestating to me! Please! What do I do since we can't just put her behind us. It has made me extremely resentful towards his son now too. (We have 2 children together).

what about the ex single choice

Should I just move on with him and deal with her? (67%, 2 Votes)

should I tell him to completely block her out of our lives(no communication at all)or else!? (33%, 1 Votes)

Total Votes: 3 Voting on this poll ends: 07/20/05 06:31 PM

summersmom, instead of a poll let me ask you some questions. Have you exposed the A to OW(exW)H? If not, please tell him. Not only will that bring the A out into the light but her H deserves to know. Second, even though they share a son they do not have to have contact. Is there someone, a relative maybe, that could be the intermediary for drop offs and pick ups? CS and other issues can be handled without contact as well. Are you and your H in MC?

He knows about the first affair and he knows about this one but I truly beleive that she has lied to her H about what really went on and her part in this. And no. There is no one else we can depend on to be an intermediary. I asked My H to do that anyway and he was not to thrilled with that!

Bet you aren't too thrilled with him either. There are consequences to your actions and maybe he needs to learn that. Your husband should be willing and happy to do ANYTHING to recover with you. And him having no contact with her is a SMALL price to pay.

I know in my heart that he has not divulged everything. He sticks to his guns when he says that he has come clean to me but something for some reason just doesn't sit well in my spirit....He has shown, I think, appropriate remorse but It is so hard to trust...i don't trust him and it seems to taint everything. He always lets me know that he understands
that I can't trust him and he says that he know it will take time. He did block her email address, i showed him how to do it, and he did have his work change his pager #. He swears that he will never give it to her....but I still check his pager...but he could always just erase it as soon as he gets a page. I blocked her phone # and the ex wife called from her cell and SHREIKED at him because I did. Because we happened to have his son and she couldn't get thru on her house phone!He made me take it off! It burned me up. I t kills me everytime he talks to her on the phone...about their son....but still, who knows what is really said when I am gone at work in the evenings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Put a tap on your phone and find out for yourself. When you have ensured that nothing is going on, I would suggest bringing her H into the loop either way. That way it will be much easier to ensure that they no longer have contact with 2 people watching them.

How old is your stepson?

My stepson is 9. This has been very hard in the fact that I resent this little boy too and I know its not his fault....does that make me a bad person? The ex has really been pushing the son more than she ever had before since this all came out. Almost like she is trying to manipulate My H. I almost want to tell her if she needs to make plans concerng the boy then she can talk to me. That she will no longer be allowed to speak with MY H! What do you think?

how do i get a tap on my phone?

summersmom, go to RadioShack and buy a tap. You can put it on an out of the way phone and hide it real good.

And yes, you are very wrong to feel resentment for that boy. He has done nothing to you. He is as much a victim as you are, and he is just a child. You need to get a grip on that and knock it off. You would be bad if you acted on those inappropriate feelings. He has been through enough in his short life and shouldn't be subjected to this crap in the first place. His mother and dad are the guilty parties, not him. So, please be a good person and treat that little boy very well.

Maybe summersmom could arrange for child-related things to be between her & the stepfather? Any thoughts?

I think the biological parents would not find that acceptable.

I think the biological parents would not find that acceptable.

Boo Hoo...Well, I think the BS's don't find infidelity exceptable either yanno? They might find it exceptable if they want to remain married to their current spouses. Infidelity requires EXTRA-ORDINARY precautions after affairs to prevent reoccurence. I think that arranging visitation through the step parents is one way to do that....and I don't give a rat's patootie if they want to whine about it....should of thought of the consequences when they were busy disrupting both families.

Summersmom,

Unfortunately....even Harley admits that past loves...not to mention spouses...are a big threat to marriages. The reason is because they still have accounts in the love bank...and because that person was capable of engendering love once...they are more likely to be able to do it again. There needs to be some serious marital boundaries for this situation to stop being a threat. But you can't just ANNOUNCE to his exwife that she has to go through you...that's something that you and H will have to agree on as a reasonable (and I think it is) accountability measure that ensures he can see his son....but not his ex.

I'm sorry.

Oh and BTW....Please contact the other spouse....I don't know what she told him....but I'd bet bunches it wasn't the truth.

bump

I am so sad! i kicked my H out. It was the only way that I knew after talking till I was blue in the face, to get him to grasp how this has really affected me....he answered the phone when she called from her cell last night while i was at work...because he said he thought it had something to do with his son...knowing that his son was at his mom's house!!!! WHAT BS! I have asked him not to talk to her if I am not here to monitor the call. I have asked him not to answer the phone if she calls while I am gone.He thought I was over doing it....and it was late (I got home at 11) so could we please talk about this tomorrow. I was furious!!!
I told him he had to leave for a few days because i was tired of playing his emotional games!

There are times I am glad that my husband and his ex can't stand to talk to each other for more than 5 minutes. This is one of them. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I would think it would be even more likely that the phone call had something to do with his son if the son was with his mother - he could even have hurt himself and been on the way to the hospital. Trying to prevent direct communication between the biological parents is cruel to the child and a recipe for disaster. When you marry someone with children, you have to accept that, and if that is a problem, or you can't trust the spouse not to sleep with his or her ex-spouse, then you shouldn't marry him.

>When you marry someone with children, you have to accept that, and if that is a problem, or you can't trust the spouse not to sleep with his or her ex-spouse, then you shouldn't marry him.


Yeah, but Nellie all bets are off when they begin an A. Period.

Then they have to suck it up and deal. I agree with a previous poster, OW should talk to YOU directly (if you can handle it). There is no reason that YOU can't relay pertinent info to your h - it also eliminates a lot of the bsing they can get to.

- Kimmy

The two biological parents need to feel free to talk to each other about their child. The new wife has no place in these discussions. It is unfortunate for the new wife that her husband and his ex-wife are still obviously attracted to each other, but the new wife's peace of mind is not as important as what is best for the child. I don't see any possibility of a good outcome to this situation.

If there is an A involved it changes these dynamics Nellie. "Unfortunate" falls now upon the WH and OW heads. This is the penalty for straying...IF WH wants to correct his marriage. There is a cost to gain back trust.

The wife should have known that the H and child are a packaged deal. BUT, that is NO reason why she cannot be point of contact for XW....that or another person. There are ways and ways to WORK THIS OUT. But it is work. Seldom are all or even any of the parties up to the task.

- Kimmy