My husband and I work for the same large company, different buildings on the same complex. Recently I became suspicious of some work and non work activities he was involved in which lead me to beleive that he was involved with another women at work (and not me!!). When I confronted him about it he denied that anything was going on and that I was the only one he loved. 2 days later ( 1 day after our 24th wedding anniversery) I found some hard evidence and confronted him again, at which time he confessed there was a women who he had a good "Friendship" and swore there was no love, no sex and he didnt want to tell me about it because he knew I would be jealous. The reason he knew this was.........
10 years ago he had a all out affair with another women in the workplace whom at the time he claimed to love, and didnt love me like a wife any longer. When he found out she was pregnant, he changed his tune and only wanted me and me forever!

She ended up getting an abortion, I ended up staying with him to try to make the marriage work, however I never ever could forget for very long what had happened.

With all this said, and the secret friendship I stumbled across I am madder than hell and it hurts just as much as before, somehow even more. I told him that an emotional affair is as bad as an sexual one but he says its nothing and that I should not be worried. Am I being over sensitive with this whole thing considering what has happened in our past?

no, you're not being overly sensitive. He's being dismissive of your feelings and disrespectful towards you.

Frankly, I'd be quite suspicious until he proved himself trustworthy, the most obvious first step being dropping the relationship with this OW. If he can't or won't, then you have to step back and decide what you want to do...

Plus, it's not like he has a stellar, honest past, he's got some precedent behind him. And you have some precedent for being suspicious.

If you want to know, hire somebody to follow 'em, check the cell phone records, and insist on open access to email accounts and go rooting around...

I also went through this. My H said they were just friends at work. But how many male and felmale coworkers e-mail each other without their spouses knowing?? Cell phone call - I just found them and 3 were on our anniversary last year. He sees nothing wrong with what he has done. I have not found any further domminication between them but I worry he has just gone underground.

Thanks for you input. I did check his cell phone records and that's one of the ways I found out. Now he won't take his cell phone to work anymore and is not using it at all. I know he hasn't dropped the relationship because I see him occassionaly outside haveing a smoke break with her and I can tell you it is like a kick in the stomach just to see that. Also, a friend at work make comment that a couple of people have also commented about the amount of time they spend together. Iv'e told him all this and the fact that I don't like it nor do I like to see it but all he says is there is nothing wrong with have a female friend at work. I know the decision is mine on what I should do. I've told him to get out, but he says she means nothing to him, yet I still see them together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

If she emeans nothing then he should end all contact. I would go out next time and be friendly and tell her to get lost ect. Is she married?? I would tell her H. I didn't and am now sorry.

I think you need to tell him what your boundries are and stick to them. Let him know that he has proven that he could not keep things "just friends" in the past. My H, who had an affair with a "good friend", has told me that he will NEVER have any female friends for me...so that I can feel secure. Your H does not sound like he understands his mistakes.

Have you been to MC??? If not, I strongly suggest it.

Also, read as much as you can(if you and your H have not read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, I highly recommend it)...and remind him of how this "friendship" reminds you of the past. You can even say, you try hard not to live in the past...but that you have learned from it...and he should too.

If other people are sensing it, as well as you, then you are DEFINITELY not overacting...he is just not seeing what is right in front of him. Most people can't see the forest in front of the trees...and do need a gentle reminding...or sometimes an all out shove!

I wish you well.

True

edited to add...I TOTALLY agree with realtor...make your presence KNOWN and SEEN!!!! AND DEFINITELY let her spouse know, if she has one. You do not even need to say that it is an affair...just say that you are concerned about their friendship(although telling him what an emotional affair is would not hurt as I do not think many people get that!)

Listen I asked my WH -"DO you feel I am to oldfasioned? Do you want a wife the flirts and comes on to other guys?? Maybe I have been doing everything wrong? He said no no I don't. I said well it seems to me that is what your attracted to - slutty, cheating women. He almost choked. How would he feel if the shoes were reversed?

She is married and I am pretty sure her H does not know anything either. I threatened to call her H but have not done so, I am afaid of any retaliation that would affect my job or his as they are muslim and there is very high number of people here who are as well,that work with me daily and they are a very close group of people. They all know each other & most are related in some way. I am pretty sure they probably know more about this than I think they do. I think my only recourse is to call her, but somehow I don't think that will make me feel any better, the deed has already been done in my eyes and maybe if I can hold my temper in check and wait it out I will either get enough dirt to make him leave or leave him and start over on my own with the kids.

Well, exposure is one of the best first tools to use. And there's nothing wrong with calling this W's H and asking if he's aware of any impropriety... How could it hurt you?

If there's nothing going on, then nothing's going on. But if there is, I suspect he'd want to know, and if nothing was going he might be able to assist his W in cutting off contact with your H and jeopardizing your M further.

So I don't see how the ostrich approach is really going to help you out in this circumstance.

Since he refuses to stop seeing this woman socially, you have a pretty good handle on where this relationship is at, and it would certainly appear to be well downt he road of an EA, if not worse. Look at the damage it's already doing...

I ordered that book "Not just friends" yesterday. I am glad you are recommending it as I know there are a million self help books out there. I can hardly wait to read it myself but I know my H won't. He only reads the newspapers & fishing-hunting magazines. He dosn't have a very good opionion of "self help" type books, which is what I seem to be reading a lot of these days. I think that they have at least helped me from sinking totally into depression which is very very easy to do when you feel like your a nobody and your self esteem is lurking somewhere down in the pits.
And I think finding this site will help a lot also as I have not shared this with anyone yet and it really helps to get others opinions and tell me I am not alone and how to deal with it.
Thanks so much for all the posts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Have you two done work after the first affair, like MC, that would prevent another affair?

I think your gut is right on. I knew too. My hubby's friend was more than a friend. It happened with a co-worker in my case too. Funny thing is, he almost fired her, before their friendship, she was lazy he said. He's a sucker for a damsel in distress, and that she was.

Please get a key logger and get proof. Do a search for key logger, I didn't have to use one, but, it will most likely, give you the answers you're looking for.

Yes we went to MC Thru Catholic Social Services after the first A, but only 1 time. Because of the pregnancy and abortion we never went back again. I ended up getting private help for myself to deal with the whole thing but quit that also because the Dr. told me WS would probably do it again, he busted my bubble you might say. Ironic that he was somewhat correct though.
Keyloggers won't work in my situation being is at work and He dosn't even use our home PC.
All I can rely on now is the rumor mill here at work. I think there are enough people here who know the both of us that I will hear about one way or another and since I told him last night that if I see or hear another thing that I am out with no looking back.

Only time will tell now I guess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

having heard the same thing....still hearing they are still just friends after he left me for her......

i would suggest that you ask your self-who's friendship means more to your husband? your's or her's

If it is your's...he will end all contact

If it is her's....he won't be "able" to (which means he does not want to)

If she has become more important than you and your feelings

she is NOT just a friend anymore

ps.
she is making depositsinto his love bank-stop it now by telling her husband before the deposits reach to "love" level!!

I did ask him that very question.. he still claims their contact is just work related. I told him, ok fine, but I insist you stop taking smoke breaks with her and just leave the contact to necessary business matters. He pretty much refuses to do this as he claims they only talk business when they are on break, when I argue why he can't go on break alone or with other people, he just sidesteps the whole matter.
I thought about calling her husband, but In my job position I give work direction to 2 of her sisters and am trying to avoid bringing this problem into my direct workspace. They all live, talk, & work close together and I don't think I could handle his shame and all of the talk that would result if I contacted her husband.
I might be sticking my head in the sand, but my pride, self esteem has been damaged enough. He fully knows how I feel about this so I am just keeping my ears and eyes open. I asked him last night if he would be jealous if I had done the same thing. He said No.... Didn't someone once say paybacks are cheap?

i would call the husband. this is not about work-this is your personal life and your marriage.

maybe he can encourage his wife to avoid your husband.

or......send him an unsigned letter telling him that you suspect his wife is seeing someone from work...just a hint might get him involved.

whatever you decide...best of luck

Well....everyone was certainly correct about the "Friend thing". For the past week I have been reading, writing letters and trying to convince ws that what he is doing is called an EA and that he needed to stop taking breaks with her. Which he really kicked & fussed about! He has been so adament that they have a working relationship only...every single night he says this over and over again. He even starting saying that I should meet her and we should have her and her h over to go boating.

Just when I am about to ready to suggest some things to improve our M.... and try to get past the "friend" thing..you will love this, this is right up there with one of the worlds stupidist acts!

We go out for dinner & drinks.. WH is feeling no pain right? He goes to get a piece of paper of his truck to jot something down, gives it to me, I see some writing on the back and here it is a love letter he wrote to his "Friend"!!! He writes...I miss you, I hate the weekends when I cant see you, I need to talk to you but I cant call you...blahblahblah!!!

Needless to say...things got ugly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Now after 24 years, I am looking to try & start my life over. I have so many questions, fears, concerns. I don't quite know where to start. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I do want to thank all of you for your replys. I guess it's time to move on to another section of the forum get some much needed info.

Thanks again!

Hi Married,

I'm from MN too, I dont come here as often as I used to, for a number of reasons. One is, I am just too darn busy.

I'm sorry for everything you are going through. I know it is rough.

My H left me becaue of an EA at work. I wish the OW in my case had a husband to tell. expose, expose,expose.
You have to decide your job or your marriage is more important.If you leave or he leaves eveyone at work will know and you won't be in control of exposing it.

There are ways to go about saving your marriage, and ways to move on, but the Marriage Builder's philosophy is designed to make you ready to survive either.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair", and just don't make any other moves until you do. Your marriage can be saved, but not by ingoring some of the good advice you received here so far.

You should have exposed to the OW's H immediately. Then you won't be the only one "watching" for more contact.

Get the book, and read about the MB program starting at the home page. You have a lot to learn before you continue making decisions based on emotion, rather than knowledge.

Best wishes,
SD

I have been in the same situation. My H told me that she was just a friend and someone to talk to, share problems with. Well, I could not deal with the secrecy and all the phone calls. If she was just a friend he should be able to talk to her in front of me and that never happened. He moved out and then they supposively started seeing each other then - if I to believe it. She finally dumped him and now he is calling me all the time.

I believe that if you feel threatened by this friendship then your H should give it up. Your feelings should be more important than any friend. He should repect your feelings that is what should be the most important. I always felt I got the shaft and if my H really cared about me then he should give it up. He did not and now I am dealing with that.

Best of luck