Hi all,

Here is my situation. Me: 38 W: 42 2girls: 2,9 Married: 11years. OM: about 50, married as well.

Found out in May she was having an affair. Mostly online and cellphone, only met OM once in Jan. I am 99.999% sure (from emails I read) they never had sex, but did neck and get passionate.

Confronted her the day I found out. I went nuts, she went nuts that I hacked into email. Everything came out: she's been unhappy for long time, she thinks I'm always miserable, etc. But we agreed to go into counseling, and have been since.

Now here's where things get grey: after about a month of real tough atmosphere, and bad feelings, we've been becoming closer...or so it seems. We've been making love more often, she has been saying "I love you" and sounding like she means it...kissing and hugging before and after work, wearing her wedding ring again, talking positively about "our" future, and she has been saying to me, our counselor and her friends that this is the best she's felt about our marriage in a long time. I've been trying real hard to change and be more positive and upbeat both around her and my daily life.

But here's the kicker: I never stopped surveilance (even though I promised I would). She has continued to email and talk to OM. And the more passionate and "closer" to me she has been getting, the more intense the language between her and OM. Because of paranoia (she knows I looked at past cell phone bills), he bought her cell phone and mailed to her at work. (I found it within 2 days, she doesn't know -- so I have both his and her cell #).

I'm a wreck because I don't know what to do or how to treat their affair. More info on OM: he is seriously ill, but is getting treatment and will most likely recover in about a year. He lives 2,000 miles away. Again he is married. My own intuition about likelihood he will move here: very little chance. Her moving there? No chance. 2 kids. Now way.

So how do I treat this?
1) Fantasy that will die on it's own (they think they are "soulmates", "meant for eacher other", "destined")

2) Watch out...I'm just being soothed so as not to rock the boat because she is not ready to make any moves (I can't believe she is that evil, deceitful or that good an actor...but who knows?)

3) Or she really does want to be close to me as marriage, but wants to maintain emotional connection to him and possible trists 2 or 3 times/year after he heals?

I could do a few different things right now:

1) Stop surveilling, and just enjoy what I have (emotional and physical intimacy, or at least seems to be), and keep working on bettering myself.

2) Keep surveilling, and confront her with it in fall (taking kids on big vacation in Aug. -- don't want to mess it up).

3) Confront her with it now, and prepare for big blowup.

I feel like no matter what, I'm screwed. If I confront, then I'll be a liar too, because I promised I would never do it again. If I don't, then my heart will continue to be stressed day in and day out.

The Plan A would be great, but again, I don't know if I can do that. Maybe it will die on it's own, I keep telling myself.

And if I do Plan A, and it doesn't work, Plan B is not an option. We cannot seperate. We cannot afford it. We would have to put the house up for sale.

Arrrrgggghh!!!!!!

You're being soothed...she's currently what we call a 'cake eater'...she's in the wonderful situation of having TWO men meet all of her needs.

Expose now. And set the requirement to her that you're NOT willing to live in an 'open' marriage where she can continue to carry on with the both of you in this fashion. Eventually you're going to have to require that she ends ALL contact with OM...that's just the way it's got to end, or your marriage will NEVER work out.

Be careful to not to reveal your sources on how you know that she's continued contact, however. You're going to need to be able to keep monitoring to determine when/if she DOES end contact.

Yeah, well that's kind of what I've been thinking, but I've got myself painted into a corner now don't I? I have the knowledge I need to confront -- but how do I confront without letting her know how I know?

Based on what you have written, you have a LOT of reading to do on this site. All of your questions are pretty much covered in the basics listed on MB forums cover page and within these forums individually. Owl has given you some very good points to ponder.

Hopefully our resident exposure expert MelodyLane will jump in and give you the benefit of her wisdom.

You say you can't afford plan B, what do you expect the cost of Plan D would be?

Have you informed OM's wife? You should!

Want...I am with Cymanca on this one. Read up on the site. Get Surviving an affair. Read the posts. Their is no such thing as "privacy" in a marriage. You have to understand and live this.

OK..you lied about snooping, she lied about another man. Which is worse? Your wife is wayward throwing her affections and emotions into another man. That is a fact and you know it? You need to establish boundries, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE...do not divulge any sources..even the cell phone deal...just tell her you know...

And read this site, these posts...prepare for some awful nasty , bumpy rides right after you expose...she's gonna get NASTY...they all do...

Most of all understand that your situation (and hers) are not "special"...almost every affair follows the same ugly path...WS's say almost the same things....come her for guidance....these folks are incredible...

And when talking to her, NEVER say that you will stop gathering intel...or snooping. She does not have a right to secrecy...especially after what she has done.

Spouses that are doing wrong dont care if their spouse snoops.

In His arms.

You CANNOT equate her cheating with your snooping, although she will try to in order to deflect attention from her own bad behavior.

You could simply say, "I made a mistake when I said I would not monitor your behavior anymore. I have a perfect right to protect myself. Expecting me to automatically trust you is unreasonable given your actions. You must earn that trust, and that means making your life an open book. Marriages don't survive with such dishonesty and I need to be honest with you. I know you are still romantically involved with OM and it is very painful and disrespectful. It increases the pain and disrespect to try to make me believe you are not. I am asking you to cease ALL contact with this man and it is up to you to assure me this has been done."

You do not need to tell her HOW you are checking up on her, but tell her you will NOT agree to stop checking on her until you can trust her again. If you think you cannot have this conversation in a civil, calm way, then I would suggest writing it to her in a letter. No whining, no arguing, no yelling. Just stay on message. You love her, you want the marriage to survive, and you will continue to work on yourself to make things better, but she's got to stop contact.

Please, quickly make sure you are familiar with the no contact letter and the other articles which are part of this board.

Her continued actions are destructive and they need to stop if your marriage is to survive. She has NO RIGHT to secrecy in your marriage. She has NO RIGHT to privacy when her actions are harmful to you and your marriage.

Good luck,
Shellybird

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T tell her you are going to expose. It gives them a chance to make up a story about how controling and crazy you are.

Expose to OM's wife, and give her proof that she can't deny. The sooner you do, the sooner this will end.

SS

Want, the others have given you excellent advice. If you want to save your marriage, there is your path, so please follow it. Like the others said, exposure is essential. Don't wait a second to do it. It is the single most effective weapon you have at your disposal. My own H's affair ended the DAY I exposed it. And while there are no guarantees, it will most certainly hasten the end of the affair.

And secondly, please do not ever agree to not snoop. You have an obligation to protect yourself from your untrustworthy wife and this wrongheaded agreement has given her a license to steal. No one has to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

And to all who say that I should expose, and that it will get very ugly (which I already know)...how much success has there been by doing this?

I'm sure there are cases (and I've been reading other sources as well), where by doing this it could just push her more away from me into his arms.

And the other dilemna I'm facing is timing. We have some nice activities lined up within the next few weeks, then are taking the children on a big vacation end of August. They have been looking forward to Mickey all year since we planned. I am nearly positive that if I exposed now, things would get so ugly as to kill trip, or make it extremely miserable.

Part of my problem now is the situation of the affair. I would like to believe that if they could get together more often, there actually would be a higher chance of the affair dying and her choosing me. But because he can't travel, they can't meet, the long-distance nature of it is actually perpetuating it more than if they could physically get together....in other words, a fantasy that get's stronger by seperation. I could be wrong, but I still find it hard to believe that my wife is just deceiving me until he is better and they can hook up again.

I'm thinking of exposing after vacation (in Sept.) But it is going to suck to hold out the long. My gut is in a knot day in and day out.

The longer you allow the affair to continue without exposure to the OM's wife the more intense and emotionally connected your wife will be with this OM. Let me see if I get this right. You would rather have your wife continue her emotional attachment and continued emotional betrayal of you for a couple of months more because it may ruin your vacation with your kids? My friend the longer you allow this to fester the greater the chance you put your marriage at risk. You are making a huge mistake. I would think this should be your number one priority. My God, he send her a cell phone to use to hide from you. How nice your wife is being more loving to you while she continue to think and emotional cheat on you with the OM. Expose now or later it may not even have an effect. You are playing russian roullette by waiting. You need to be proactive now. How can you not see this?

How can you allow this to continue??? !!!

You have nice activities planned ? You're making compromises and for what? You're worried about problems? I have some news for you...THERE ARE PROBLEMS AND YOU'RE AVOIDING THEM until.....

Well....I ignored my own issues..I ignored the signs...until she did not call her 2 and 4 year old sons when I took them alone on a trip to Florida. She had traveled to Vegas for "work". When she did call I knew...I screamed at her "Who is it that is more important than us?". I went ape$hit....she got very angry at me...hung up...went as far as to be furious as I was unreasonable by then not allowing her to speak to them...I know how tough conventions are...blah...blah...blah....and I bought into it. I thought I was over reacting, she would never do that...

Well buddy....she broke her vows to me the night before...and she gathered up the strength to call us...an hour after he left the room....

DON'T WAIT!!!! You will become more upset, angry, etc...only you can begin mending that relationship...she won't...you're only allowing for more pain in your life and for what??

Rant off...

someone please point to a key or legend for all the acronyms!

Heres most I think want


Most Common MB Acronyms:

MB = Marriage Builders

WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed") some use BS = Betrayed Spouse
WAW = Walk Away Wife

OW = Other Woman
OM = Other Man
OP = Other Person
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)

S = Spouse
SO = Significant Other
W = Wife
H = Husband
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling Husband
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad

D-Day = Discovery Day
DV-Day = Divorce Day
A = Affair
EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair
EMA = Extra-marital Affair
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
MM = Married Man
MW = Married Woman
SF = Sexual Fulfillment (in context)
EN = Emotional Needs
LB = Love Bust(er)
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"

Relationship Acronyms:
DD = Darling Daughter
DS = Darling Son
MIL = Mother In Law
SIL = Sister In Law
FIL = Father In Law
BIL = Brother In Law
GP = Grand Parent(s)
SM = Step Mother
SD = Step Daughter
SF = Step Father (in context)
SS = Step Son
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend
BM = Biological Mother
GF = Girlfriend
STBX = Soon To Be Ex

MB specific Acronyms (CB MB forum members)
CB = Coined By
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB & NSR... for Plan A to work!)
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB & NSR... see Inspire (20))
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB & NSR/RMA)

Generally accepted Acronyms:
BTW = By The Way
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
EOM = End Of Message

Many others can be found at Alphabet Soup Explained
Please note:… usage of some of the Alphabet Soup acronyms are frowned upon due to lack of proper decorum… [Smile]

Divorce/Custody Acronyms:
CS = Child Support
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
FOC = Friend Of the Court
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome

-Alphabetical Order-------------

A = Affair
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend (based on "context")
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
BS = Betrayed Spouse... some use FS = Faithful Spouse
BTW = By The Way
CB = Coined By
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
D-Day = Discovery Day
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
DD = Darling Daughter
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling Husband
DS = Darling Son
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EMA = Extra-marital Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
EOM = End Of Message
FIL = Father In Law
FOC = Friend Of the Court
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed") some use BS = Betrayed Spouse
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LB = Love Bust(er)
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
MB = Marriage Builders
MIL = Mother In Law
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
MM = Married Man
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
MW = Married Woman
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB & NSR... for Plan A to work!)
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB & NSR... see Inspire (20))
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SD = Step Daughter
SIL = Sister In Law
SF = Sexual Fulfillment (in context)
SF = Step Father (in context)
SM = Step Mother
SO = Significant Other
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB & NSR/RMA)
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")

Well folks, I've decided to EXPOSE on Monday.

I just can't take it anymore, reading what I'm reading, knowing what I'm knowning.

We had counseling today, and before I went, I "intercepted" a message from my wife to OM that said something to the effect that she was tired of going counseling, that she hates having to sit there and be dishonest, and that she is going to feel bad rest of day.

In the waiting room, she asked why I looked agitated, but I kept it under wraps. During the session, we just talked about household issues, and she kept proclaiming again how she feels that we are doing so much better. I wanted so bad to just let loose, but I kept cool and my poker face.

I'm going to spend the next 3 days collecting my thoughts, and what to say, then I'm going to craft a well thought out but civil email message to send to her on work on Monday essentially telling her that I'm sorry, but I cannot do this any longer. I can't do it for the next 1-2 years while she waits for OM to "get better" then decide, I can't do this 6 months, I can't even do this for 6 more weeks. It has to end now. A horrible outcome of our marriage would be better than what I'm going through now.

This is going to be hard and ugly, especially since we have been more intimate with each other in the past month than we have since we met, but it needs to done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hope I don't talk myself out of it over the weekend.

Want--

Come here we will help guide you....and best of all tell you that everything your feeling, yoru fears, your insecurities are OK....

Start a post...HELP ME EXPOSE MY WAYWARD WIFE...you'll be surprised at the traffic....

Do not, under ANY circumstances reveal your sources...just that "I KNOW"...you need that source in the future. And be ready for a $hit Storm when you do expose....

Good luck and keep us posted. This place is awesome when you're in your darkest hours...coem here and rant...we'll listen...

Do NOT send an email to her at work!!! Bad idea!!

Do take some time to collect your thoughts. Do write them down, that will give you a chance to read over them and make addittions as necessary. But don't send her an email at work. My X used to do that, and it is a very bad idea.
He would act like everything was fine at home, and then I would get to work and read some horrible email from him, and then spend the rest of the day trying to work. It is a miracle I didn't lose my job.

You are scared - we all understand that. But you need to talk to her face to face. Get the kids out of the house, and allow several hours of uninterupted time, and just tell her flat out that you know she is continuing in her emotional affair with him, and that it is disrespectfull to you and the children.

You do not need to tell her how you found out - just tell her that you know.

Say something like "I know you are still talking to him on a regular basis and it must stop immediately if our marriage is ever going to recover." When she says "How do you know?" you can respond "I just do."

Do not say anything like "I know you were emailing him before we went to counseling." It is best to leave some of the details out.

One more thing I want to say - and I am sure others would agree with me here. Right now you think that she would never fly out there to see him, she would never leave the children behind, etc. You think she will not see him for another year or so. DO NOT underestimate the power of an A's addiction. Every single one of us, at one point, did not think our spouse was capable of any of this. I once told someone "My H would never leave, he loves his boys too much. He would miss them after only 1 day."
Let me tell you, he actually went 6 weeks without seeing them when he first left.
He said all the standard lines "things will settle down later and then I will spend more time with them, kids are resillent and will recover, the boys will actually be better off afterwards, surely my boys would want me to be happy, they would not deny me this chance for happiness.....

All of it is crap.

Start writing in a journal. Get your thoughts on paper. But don't send her an email at work.

Maybe I need to clarify some history:
D-Day was 1st week of May.

She knew that I read her email after discovery. I told her that I "guessed" her password. Truth is I installed a keylogger and got her password for multiple email accounts.

My mistake when we agreed to "try" to reconcile and go to counseling, was that I promised never to break into email again. But I was so broken and panicked, that I didn't realize until weeks later that she never actually promised to stop the relationship with OM. She may have thought she implied it with her lies ("we were just friends, it was just somebody to talk to").

But I continued to read email ever since.

A month ago when she announced she was going on trip with girlfriends, she asked me if it is ok. I asked if "he" was going to be there. (I knew he wasn't...I was reading emails! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, but I wanted to see her reaction. She flipped! She said that's it, she was starting to come back to me but I just pushed her back to square one, she claimed.

The bottom line is I have continued to read emails for nearly 3 months since D-Day and know it has continued, if not strengthened. She and OM both suspect I have been "hacking" again, but have continued anyway. Maybe that is why he sent cell phone, so now there will be less email.

I'm fairly certain, that even if I say "I just Know" and refuse to tell her how I know, she will be suspicious enough to stop using computer in basement, and my entire line of surveillance will be cut off.

Save it...

You need to tell her that you have secrets and do not believe there should be any in your or any one else's marriage. As her husband there really are not any questions that you can ask that should anger her UNLESS she has done something wrong.

After I came to this site and saw all of the standard crap that WS's say and do I could not believe how blind I was 7 years ago. My FWxW was no different. She was furious that I would accuse her of such horrible acts. That until she told me what was more important than her children she would not be allowed to talk to them on the phone (I was on a trip to Florida with 4 an d 2 year olds, she was in Vegas for a convention). I mean she went ballastic, talked me out of it..he had left the room within the hour..

You are scared of losing her, because she will be angry that "you still know"...that you're snooping...OK....here's an idea...where is that cell phone? Find it and call her out on that..."What is this?"...that has nothing to do with the computer...

Understand that your wife will create an absolute nightmare for you. Tell you horrible things...she will "hate you", she never loved you and everything else from the WS hand book. It will hurt. You need to establish boundries and tell her that based on this cell phone you can not and DO NOT trust her and insist that it cease.

Then it's PLAN A time....right now you're being abused emotionally. She is living a lie...and using her anger to make you feel bad about it. Only you can change that.

One thing no Love Busting...it will drive her nuts that you're the "sane one"...