This may be a sensitive topic for BS's to read, but....with this "disclaimer" up front, be forewarned to read this thread at your own risk.

The question is ...."Do Wayward Spouses have triggers; ie, seeing, smelling, visiting, listening to things or places that remind them of the OM or OW?"

BS (betrayed spouses) are subject to dozens of things that trigger them to some very dark feelings, similar to those feelings felt in "real time" while the affair is in discovery phase or has already been discovered. These triggers last way into the "recovery" phase, even when the recovery is going swimmingly.

If the WS does have triggers... what are they? Are they pleasant? Do you recall the "good" things about the OP? Do you miss the OP when you have these triggers? Or are the feelings just the opposite? Do you feel foolish, remorseful, guilty when those thoughts cross you mind? Either way, does it effect your mood for the moment, hour or day? Do you feel both the good and the bad at the same time? Do you need to "escape" from those feelings to stay faithful, or do they just slip away without any problem?

Feel free to expand on your experience with triggers in any way you like. I am just curious about this, and I'm sure a few other BS's would like to know as well.

Thanks in advance for your replies.....

SD

Yes, there are triggers. Not pleasant though, I get sick feeling from being reminded of what I did.

^^^bumping, hoping for a few more responses^^^

The answer is D - all of the above.

Yes, there are definitely triggers. We are still human, after all, and have this horrible thing called memory (which, I must say, gets worse and worse as days go by. Maybe that's a good thing??)

Anyway, not to make light of your question, but, yes, there certainly are these nasty, nagging things called triggers for me. While most triggers remind me of the horrible things that I did and make me very remorseful, foolish, guilty and (frankly) like a real [email]jack@ss[/email], some of them are good (you did ask for honesty). I think it's quite logical to see that the OP did fill some EN's that weren't met before. With this, (unfortunately) there had to have been some good memories.

For me, triggers tend to occur when my H LB's me - esp immediately after NC. That's when I catch myself fantasizing about the OM. Note I said fantasizing versus thinking. The difference is when I cool down and logic sets in, I can now discern the difference between fantasy versus reality. I know without any doubt in my mind that there is no one on earth who would love and treat me better than my H. That's why the momentary triggers are simply fantasies, not reality. And, yes, those fantasies, like all things, ebb over time.

And, yes, they affect my mood quite drastically. In fact, I didn't really understand why I, all of sudden, have been getting these wild mood swings that came with bouts of depression. Since NC was initially so painless and logical and our recovery has been so good, I didn't even make the connection between my moods and the A. When I finally did my research, it turned out that I'm grieving. I'm mourning the loss of a relationship, even if it was bad. Have you ever heard stories of abused spouses who go through horrible depression and anxiety attacks after the divorce is final - even though she was nearly beaten to death by her former H? Well, it's the same w/ an A. Regardless how good or bad a relationship was, there are still reminants of memories, history, attachments that will require a grieving period to overcome. This, I've discovered, is quite normal.

Do I need an escape to remain faithful? Not no, but h%ll no! Keep in mind that I was so tormented while I was in the A that (very frankly) if somehow my H and I didn't work out, I would soon get a D before engaging in another A. It's not exactly the reason a BS wanted to hear, but that's just the plain truth ... at least for me.

The good news is the triggers do get better over time. Read what I wrote 6 weeks ago when I first committed to complete NC/recovery and compare them to what I've written recently, and you'll see what I mean.

whisper, thanks for a thoughtful and revealing post. Good luck with your recovery!

SD

Thanks, and you too! (And for those WS's who are sneaking a peak at this thread ... I AM SO GLAD I MADE THIS DECISION! THINGS ARE BETTER THAN THEY'VE BEEN IN OVER 7 YEARS AND THEY KEEP ON GETTING BETTER!)

Yes Whisper and the others, thank you.

I will tell you that my XW's affair ended over 6 years ago and yes she has triggers and none are pleasant. She gets sick over it. Her own feelings of guilt overwhelm her at times.

I had mentioned that during th process of me moving back in and doing everything together (financially speaking) I ordered new credit cards. They are "affiliate cards" meaning they have a picture or place on it. Well, here I am thinking that we have come this far, I allowed her to hold a joint account and have my credit card and when she sees it she throws it down and says I won't use this. She is upset. I don't push it because our boys are right there. Leter that evening she asks me "are you screwing with me?" I say no, what are you talking about? She responds that "the credit card, the place on it?" My response was "I thought that you were OK with that place and activity now, it is not an issue now" Her response was "no that isn't it, it's where you were with the boys when I first was unfaithful to you and it makes me sick to look at it, I can't use it" I actually smiled at her...she shot back "what?"....I told her that "it did not cross my mind"...that's a good thing...it really had not. Nowif teh card had "The Mirage at Las Vegas" on it...that would be a trigger still...

So I know she has many triggers as do I ....

Thanks, Send Me.... This is something I need to discuss with my FWW, I guess. This is something seldom ever brought up, and something I have always wondered about.

Any other contributions would be appreciated.

SD

^^^bumping one more time for more responses^^^

I am right there with Faithful - i have NO fond memories. And didn't even in the beginning - anything that reminded me of what I did and the frame of mind I was in made me ill.

But just like I am dealing with the thoughts of my H who just had an affair, I choose to focus on the now and future and changes I am making, then on the triggers of my A that make me want to puke, and the triggers of his later A that also make me want to puke.

I do wonder what Squid feels about triggers. When she was sad yesterday I asked her why.

" nothing and everything" she replied. Bear in mond she has a dying mom to contend with as well as recovery issues, her answer made sense. Now I'd told her I was struggling a bit with 'anniversary week' and wanted her close and loving to reassure me, but this sent her into a self loathing mood.

Its hard to remain open and respectfully honest about my feelings when she reacts as such, but I will persist. I told her in a LOVELY way, no LBs at all.

But I sked her later " are you happy to be here with us now on this anniversary or do you sometimes wish for a different outcome?" She said she felt blessed beyind her wildest dreams and sobbed again. I gave up around then and hugged her ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know that it took a LONG time for Squid to start to see her affair in a truthful fog-free light and she has only just got to the point of a heartfelt apology and taking of responsibility for it.

I doubt she does miss OM in any positive 'pining' sense, but if she does it is a diminishing feeling that with my love and care she can diminish it further still.

Thanks dear FWS, as usual your insights are amongst the most useful to we BS.


{{{{{FWS}}}}}

Bob,

I am so proud of Squid for getting to the point she is finally at

Many blessings to the both of you for your future!

I have triggers but they don't bother me like they use to.
It might be an old song or a movie.When I hear them I
think about it for a minute and remember how I felt about
her,then I think about all the bad things and it goes away.

Two weeks ago she sent me a card saying she got married
again and it actually made me sick,I was throwing up and
acting like an idiot,she had put a phone number for me to
call her and I was going to ,I couldn't believe she would
marry somebody else.It took me about 4 hours to think
about it and to get real again.I don't know what I was
thinking.I have begged God so many times to help me with
this.Something must be real wrong with me to be this way
after so many years and after all the things she has done
to our family.


Scott

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I posted the same question on the "RECOVERY" board and got some interesting and thought provoking responses there, too, so if this topic is of interest to you, check it out on that board.

I'm going to let this one expire. Thanks again to all that posted and all that read the thread.

Best wishes,
SD

OnlyHuman (Scott) -

Thanks for your honesty. I'm sure it must be hard for you to say what's truly in your heart, but I needed to hear that ... if anything, to know that I'm not completely nuts and am human too. I think no matter how good, bad or ugly a relationship (including A's) is, they tend to take a piece of our heart. That's why an A is so devastating - b/c the damage is permanent. The one solace I find in this mess is that the permanent reminder of such an ugly and shameful past will hopefully keep me on the right track. Frankly, that's also one of the many reasons I continue to post. The posts of our amazing BS's are a constant reminder of the pain I caused my H. It's helped me/us recover in ways I can't even begin to explain.

Again, thanks for your post - we'll both get through this together.

Bob -

I love reading your posts re: your feelings for Squid as they continue to give me encouragement. While my H is always loving and happy to see me, I sometimes wonder what exactly he's thinking or feeling - esp. knowing that I had an A.

It's funny, but do you remember several months back when I asked you if I could write to Squid b/c I was struggling with my own A and you said she's not quite ready to "come out" just yet? Now that my H and I are in recovery, I just as soon hear from your side of the story b/c that's what I need now to keep on the right track. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks!

{{{{{BS's}}}}}

After reading this post, I waited for the right time to ask my FWH this question.

He replied to me:
"anytime anything reminds me of that dark time, I immediately try to think of something else. I don't ever want to even remember that time...and things I did."

So I said: "I guess it doesn't bring back memories and longing for what might have been?"

FWH:
" no...never...just guilt and a sickness..."

That was good to hear.

Great thread by the way!