Its been a few months since kast posting here. I'm still acohol free -(it's been over a year now) - and still legally married. WIfe had at least an EA last year which took a lot of effort to end (on my part).

We are finally in MC. That came when I finally had enough and wanted to end this marriage once and for all. We have nothing left, the lies, the exposures, the fights. Nothing now but bitterness and hatred. I can no longer stand the site of the woman I used to love.

We are always at each others throat even with the counseling (4 session this past Monday). I jyst want to run away and start all over again.

Our kids are still alive and well.

I made my wife a card last weekend because she looked so nice. I wrote a little stupid poem in it too : "Just a note to say you look very beautiful today". She never acknowledged it until Monday in MC. She said it annoyed her. WHen she read it she just threw it down. It hurt me to the core.

The MC made us promise to stick it out for 6 months in therapy and do some communication exercises at home. We haven't been good at getting them done. Last one we tried escalated into a 2 hour shouting match during which I took a judo kick to the stomach. Our kids ran and huddled in the basement.

I just wanted to run away that night. I did calm down after staring at the stars. I came back in and talked about soe ideas of romance I had. I called them my dreams and let her know she was the girl of my dreams. I went back to bed and she came in the room a few mintes later. AT first I thought she maybe came in to join me, but then she just said she gets no privacy in our house. That was after I discovered she was looking up a old boyfriend on the internet the day before. That also fed into the 2 hour fight.

Now if we say 2 words to each other its a lot.

I don't have the strenth to go on anymore.

Mark, welcome back. I am sorry things aren't going well for you. This in the quote concerns me. How often does your W get physical? Your poor kids should not be witnessing this kind of behvavior. Hope things get better or one of you can move out.

Hi FF,

Its been only a times but all recently. First it was finger jabs to the chest - like when some one is pinting at you but contact was intentional - 3 fingers together and repatedly. I stood there until she stopped. Next was a 2 handed chest shoove. The judo kick was the last one. Now keepp in mind I made her feel theratened by holding out my arms to ask for hug.

Oh yeah - absolutely no efection is permitted at all.

She has built so much anger its amazing. Even our MC saw it the first day. Wife has even takien verbal shot at couselor. BUt then she's the first to whip out a calendar to make the next appointment.

The kids are coping my oldest was in therapy last spring. SHe sat up all night (the night of the kick). It happened right in front of her face.

Our battles are iver who hurt the other one more. ANd still she wont admit her relationship with OM wasn't any thing, she did nothing wrong.

I've also had it with her teenage defient mentality and don't hold back on telling her to grow up.

We are poison to each other.

MC just wants us to back off and cool down. We both want to be right.

To call it an impass is an understatement.

(((MarkNY)))

Some wounds need to have all the poison sucked out before they can heal. Perhaps the promise to go to MC for 6 months will help with this.

Sending strength and positive thoughts.

Remember no angry outburts! Guess what you guys are doing? Angry outburts. If you guys start to get into a argument just leave the room. If she physically harms you again call the police. By not doing anything to her when she physically attacks you, you are telling her that it is okay of her to make you her beat bag or punch bag and that it is ok of her to express her anger in physical attacks, if your daughter sees this do you think she might act the same way 10 years down the road if she ever gets angry?

I'm sorry to hear this Mark. Sounds like a terrible situation. The fact that its gotten physical is really scary.

Do you think there is anything that can turn her around? Why so much anger?

How much more do you have left? You've got to be thinking "is this worth it?". I would wonder that myself.

Miker

Mark, please make sure you mention this incidents to your MC and keep a journal too. Don't buy into that who do what and who hurt more routine. You need to break this cycle and not feed into her anger. Please protect those kids. {{Mark}}

Angry Outbursts - oh yeah - not a good thing. We've been really good at doing them. I see our MC trying to back us off of these. I guess things will take a lot of time. We spend 6 months digging a bigger and bigger hole.

The theory is don't voice bad thoughts. Examine why you feel that way. As for communication we're practicing mirroring right now. Karen thinks its silly - real people don't talk that way. I tend to agree some of the formaities seem silly but the idea of confirming what you heard is a good one.

As far as the violence goes MC knows about it. I keep a journal of significant events too.

Our kids seem to be doing fine at the moment. Their summer has been very busy - thats a good thing.

My wife Karen did one of the homework exercises the other night as we were instucted to do. However she's now balking at the 6 mo. commitment thing.

Sorry but I'm adopting the 'tough love' approach to things. This counseling breaks down and no other is considored - bye. Sorry but I'm being selfish. I can no longer take this and it has to end.

I'll make an effort to show progress...

Mark, my H committed to a 6 month time frame of counseling with the agreement that he could change his mind at any time. THAT allowed to feel in control and you know what? We did the C for 1 year! Our MC gave me a book called Safe Haven Marriage. You may want to look it up on Amazon to see if it interests you, except for the violence your M sounds similar to mine. Do you or your W have a faith you can turn to ?

I wonder if there is anything left.

The violence has abated. The angery outburst thing I got to get the upper hand on. I just stared flying off the handle too easily. Karens nasty tone, sly comments, etc. I just started calling her on each and everyone. In short I threw every nasty thing right back at her.

I've figured out what I want out of wife and she is not giving much at all what I want. I can;t see it getting any better. I'm worn out, given up.

Maybe couseling will help, but Karen seems so resitant to it. Right now the battle is to get us into nutueral corners.

We have a faith, but can't really caal on the priest to help. Karen won't talk to him becasue I talked to him. He's also a realist in 21st centery life - "sometimes there is no hollywood ending".

I can't have anyone force Karen to love me. That s something she has to do on her own. She walked up the isle volunteerly 17 years ago. If she doesn't volunteer to stay here who am I kidding?

Well I'm hanging in there. This has made me stronger, more independent. I feel more confident in myself than I have in years.

Mark, even if you have to walk away instead of the angry outburts it would be better. I know how hard it is to get a handle on it especially considering her behavior. As far as the counseling, ask her to take it one week at a time. No you can't make her love you but affairs really mess with the mind. I can guarentee she has no idea right now who she even is.

Weel another night of MC has gone by. This process is slow and unusual/ Anyone want to find out more about it search for Imago Relationship Therapy.

Last night we had an exchenge over me throughing out leftovers. Whatever.

One thing that came up was her saying I don't help cleanup when the reality is I do it every night. She can tell the therapist an out and out lie right in front of me. Makes me wonder what she does behind my back. Karen had a hard time backing down from that one.

Back to me throughing out leftovers - Karen said it really bothers her. My defense was there wasn't much left and we were in a hurry for MC appt and I just wanted to clean up fast. Funny thing is when I do ask her if we should save something the answer is always no.

Damned if I do damned if I don't again. Well I agreed to ask from now on, no matter how little is left, what to do with the leftovers.

MC scheduled an individual session with me today. Finally an opprotunity to vent it all out without worry.

Many small issues between us I guess.

As for my request - Karen must say Good Morning and Hello to me. Oh the pain - you'd though I asked the world of her.

Mark, one thing my H and I implemented years ago was the hello and goodbye "rule". Even during the worst of times we always at least say those words to each other. my H will wake me up to say good bye no matter what. It gave us a chance to remember the feelings of the other person and to show our kids some manners as well. Glad you are getting a chance to vent alone.