My wife is convinced that I won't change if she gets a new job. If she wants to see or contact the OM she can do that whether she works with him or not.

After D-day she promised she would find a new job, but that she didn't want to do it in the middle of the school year (she's a teacher). I didn't like it, but I went along with it (I didn't really have a choice).

She just won't see how damaging her decision and point of view is. I try to explain how hurtful this is and how this will cause me a great deal of pain and anxiety if we were to stay together, but she is numb to my statements. She has gotten support from her parents and friends, as they see this as me being controlling and an a-hole (MIL exact words).

Since she already failed with the NC promise, and it looks like she was trying to keep the affair going during the 4 months after d-day, it's just too hard to believe she is trustworthy. My concern is that she can't get away from the OM and the affair. I might be wrong, but it is still bothersome that she wouldn't consider my feelings and be willing to change jobs.

Grove,


I'm in a similar situation. What have you done to expose the affair at the work place? WS are typically procrastinators and conflict avoiders. A fence sitting WS isn't going to go NC until that fence gets mighty uncomfortable...

Talking sense to a foggy WS ain't gonna do much good...

You've gotta take action.

Naw, she is convinced that she can manipulate you into silence with this babble. It should not be a quid pro quo about her leaving this job with the OM, GT. There should not be any conditions attached.

And yes, she can see the OM whereever she works, but she can't EVER cut off contact if she still sees him every day. And that is the issue. Your marriage has no chance as long as they are still in contact.

p.s. losttranslation is right, but I have told you this before. If you want to stop this, then expose her at work. Let them seperate her. What do you have to lose, GT?

I have not "exposed" her at work. I did go to the bar the night she broke no contact and in front of some of her friends told her I was leaving her. I believe that she has told them about the affair, but I can't confirm that.

Let's talk exposure.

Do I call the principal and talk frankly with him? Explain to him that WW and OM had a year long affair and that I would like to save my marriage, but that this will be impossible to do as long as they continue to work together. My wife has expressed concern over the ramifications of applying for another position, I could speak to him about this also.

She has a co-worker/friend who calls us often, my wife claims she hasn't told her and that she doesn't know. This is hard to believe.

Honestly this will most likely be the end of the marriage. The MIL has called me an a-hole for wanting wife to tell principal that she needs to transfer, so I will not get any support from anyone close to her.

It just seems a little late to be exposing. I should have done that right away.

If you're certain they're still in an affair why would you enable it in any way? You know they may lose their jobs. She may leave you and move in with him. She may do a lot of things and you'll never know because there is a part of you that can't be certain you have done enough..

There will be many here who will talk about boundries. Set them and stick to them...Yes, by establishing these boundries she may leave you. This is nasty business what you're doing, you're busting up "fantasy island"...

ya big meanie...

Get it over with and do everything in your power to save your marriage...just be forwarned that roller coaster is going to go down very fast....and keep going....stay here and there are plenty to help you through it...

Yes, this is exactly what you do. You hold so much more power to end this despicable affair than you realize.

Your WW needs to "feel" the consequences of the affair, and yes, that will mean job change. You are your own worst enemy here. EXPOSE NOW !!!!!!!!!!!! AS IN RIGHT THIS MOMENT. NO warings, no threats, no promises.....Pull the f-ing triger.

Soure... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No, GT, you don't understand. You are facing the end of the your marriage if you don't expose. Do you understand that? You are headed for divorce NOW. We are telling you do this in an effort to SAVE your marriage. And it doesn't have a chance if they continue to work together and the affair drags on.

Call the principal and explain the situation to him and ask him what he thinks he can do. Tell him that you feel certain that the affair will resume in the future if they continue to work together. Ask him if can help you resolve this or if you need to take it "higher."

You must stop worrying about people being mad at you and focus, instead, on doing the necessary things to save your marriage. Your MIL already hates you and is a nimrod. She is disrespectful and could care less about you. Why you would care about her feelings is beyond me.

Your wife will be furious, but your marriage can survive can her anger. It wont'' survive this on again, off again affair crap. So get to work, GT. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

please listen to them and expose the affair to whoever might be able to help-who cares who gets angry if you get to keep your wife!!

I knew (but chose not to believe) 2 months before my husband left-same woman as 8 months earlier. The first time I did expose and it stopped-the 2nd i did not and he's been gone 14 months and they are together all the time.YOU DO NOT WANT MY LIFE OF WISHING YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD!!

EXPOSE NOW

A few tidbits:

I contacted the head of the HR department for the school district. I was informed that there was nothing they could do, unless this relationship was endangered / harmed the students. Since there is no evidence that there was any inappropriate behavior in front of the students or that relationship even took place during school hours, there is nothing they could do. The teacher's private lives is there own, and the school can not get involved. If my wife requested a transfer and explained the situation, they would be willing to assist her in a transfer, but they can do nothing if the request does not come from her.

Also, right now, there is nothing to expose. The affair is most likely over or on hold during summer vacation. I am positive that my wife is having no contact with the OM directly. I believe that my wife's friend is still in contact with the OM, but I can't prove that.

We went camping this weekend with some friends. My friends actually noticed how distant my wife was towards me. I finally mentioned it to her Sunday morning as we were waking up in the tent. She said, "I knew you couldn't not talk about "it" for a whole weekend." She was again said that she is miserable. I honestly don't feel like I am Love Busting. I just don't think I can sit around saying and doing nothing while she ignores me and acts as if she can't stand being near me.

Here's my plan.

I am going to finish the paperwork for the divorce. I will give it to her, explaining that I still love her and would like to stay in the marriage, but that I can not do that as long as she is unwilling to assist in the recovery of our marriage. We can not keep going like we are, and we can't just put a band aid on this and hope that it will just go away. I can not stay in a marriage where my MIL is allowed to openly disrespect me and is more involved in our decision making process than I am. It is my belief that the marriage or I will be able to recover as long as you keep working with the OM. Also, I have some concern over your maintaining a relationship with the friend who was talking to the OM. I don't understand this and you haven't been honest about this, thus I can not see how our marriage will be able to flourish as long as you have a friend who would be willing to help you stay in an inappropriate relationship.

I realize that what I am asking might be more than she is willing to do, but for me it is the minimum that I can live with.

I look forward to everyone's input.

I think I would write to the school board, and expose the affair to them. Let them know that you don't think affairs that break up families should be condoned.

Then you may need to think about going into Plan B.

I completely understand the need to expose, and I'm working up the "courage" to do so.

Why am I "working up the courage"? Well, I know my wife, and I'm about 99% sure that this will be a deal breaker. She feels "harassed and smothered" right now. I think that's because she's put herself in a corner. Her refusal to talk about what happened during her affair and the lies she told afterwards has put her in a terrible position. She'd rather say nothing and let me file for divorce, than tell the truth. I know this can happen after an affair. Some people would rather get a divorce than tell their spouse what they did and said to another person. They think it would be too painful and I think she’s honestly ashamed of what she has done.

As for exposure being a deal breaker, she'll see this as a betrayal to her. She can't see how "embarrassing" her could be for our benefit. She knows that working with the OM is dangerous and hurtful, but she's convinced herself that she can stay away if she so chooses. My problem is that I'm not sure it's a choice anymore. She will be "drawn" towards him, whether it's curiosity or longing, it will happen. Our marriage is not on solid ground, so it would be crazy for her to put herself and our marriage in such a vulnerable position.

Plan b is not an option. I've talked to an attorney who has advised me to not leave the home. I've asked my wife if she would be willing to leave the home for a trial separation and she's refused. So we're stuck together, and it's really causing more damage with each day we spend together.

The marriage we had is over, I'm willing to try for a new and improved marriage, unfortunately that would include complete honesty and a change in her independent lifestyle. Right now, she's unwilling to give that to the marriage. She's in withdrawal, she's unwilling to admit it and we can't seem to move on until she works through this.

Well, if she continues working with the OM, your marriage will be over. I would take the chance that she will be furious, and view it as betrayal, yada, yada, yada.

And in saying the above, I don't mean that the marriage will be over necessarily because of her. You are the biggest danger, because as this continues, your love bank will be drained, and you may want out.

grove, I see some of your points and I know how things are feeding on each other. The wife will not admit the A or apologize. She also says that you have not changed and that you give her no reason to change or hope for the M.

I am in the same boat. I act pleasant but I show no outward affection for my WW. I do not talk about future plans. I cannot until she comes clean. If she would, then I think that I could throw myself completely into the M for one last shot. I cannot do this when her heart and life remain closed to me concerning the A.

How do you get by this? I can only do it by giving the ultimatum to come clean or start the D. Maybe she will come clean then, maybe she will come clean before the D is finalized. If not, then we needed to go to the D anyway because she wasn't mine anymore.

What will work in your situation? I wish I had the majic answer for you. I know you have tried to explain your feelings to her as many times as I have to my WW with no effect. However, you are not going to open up to her and change unless she does also. Just a vicious cycle.

Some good news / bad news update:

I've kept checking my wife's cell phone records and discovered that she is calling the job hotline weekly. She didn't inform me of this, so it's nice to know that she is looking. I think it's a control issue. She doesn't want to be "forced" to find another job, but if she can find a job she actually wants she will apply for it.

As for exposure at work, and in light of my recent discovery, I've decided to give it two more weeks. If she hasn't applied for a teaching position by then, I will expose. This will give the school district 3 weeks to find her another position (and 3 new postings to choose from).

In the meantime, I am going ahead with getting the divorce paperwork done. When it is finished,(which should be by the end of this week, beginning of next week), I will give it to her and let her make the next move. Because we have been together for so long and the fact that I have been easy to bully for most of our marriage, I think my wife feels like I won't go through with the divorce (plus she has mentioned waiting until she sees an IC).

I set boundaries when I first found out, I tried to change and become a better person and husband. I worked on meeting her needs and to stay away from Love Busters. While I was doing that, my wife was ignoring every boundary I set. I told my wife that if she had contact with the OM again, I would divorce her. If I do not follow through with this, what am I telling her?

Bob your hit the nail on the head as for us being stuck in a vicious cycle. I want her to show that she is willing to be a loving, caring person. I'm not asking her to make a complete turn around, just for her to start showing that she understands what she has done and that she is willing to do whatever it takes to begin the process of recovery.

My wife gets angry if I ask if she is ok. Often I notice that she is distant and unemotional (is that a word?). I worry about her and I have concerns about what this is doing to her.

Oh well, I look forward to everyone's replies.

GTO

It is amazing how many of us are in this situation. While it is strangely comforting to know I'm not alone, it is also a sad statement on our society that there is so much infidelity in the world.

Bump.