I just can't keep a lid on it! Today I realized that my H 'dated' the OW for 6 months, then spent less than 2 months on our relationship before deciding he wants a divorce. When I got home (he was here visiting the girls while I was out shopping) he could tell I was angry, although I tried to just get him out of the house. He asked what I was angry about, and I told him (that was my mistake). His reaction was, of course, to counter-attack. He questioned my method of counting, then said he refused to stay and argue and left. Why did he ask if he didn't want to know? I wish just once he would acknowledge that I actually have a right to feel angry about this. Every time I get angry, he finds a way to make it seem like I'm a raving lunatic. <P>Lately I've been obsessing over where he is and how he's spending his time. I realized that I'm almost certain he's seeing the OW again, and I think that's where my rage is coming from. It would be easier if I just knew. Interestingly, the fact that he's filed for divorce doesn't make it any easier to imagine him with her.

I think you are experiencing Legitimate Anger. Is it doing you any good to vent it? Probibly not if you are still trying to Plan A your H, but Ani, you're human...don't beat yourself up.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Annie<BR>I just replied to you on my thread.<BR>I know what you mean about wanting him to admit you have areason to be angry. It's like acknowledgment of your feelings and even your humanity.<BR>Too bad they don't see that!<BR>The important thing is that you realize you have a right to your feelings.<BR>Like FHL said it is legitimate anger and maybe you've been fighting it too long. <BR>once you know you have a right to it then you can deal with it.<BR>Vent it here. Get the pent up stuff out. Beat up a pillow. Do something safe with it. <BR>He may never acknowledge it. I know you need him to. I have had that need for a long time. If he doesn't it's because he may not be able to face the reality of what he has done.<BR>None of this is fair. You've done so good.Try not to compare things. It only hurts you. As I type that I think of all the times I've done it so I should just shut up.<BR>Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and I think he's out of his tree!!!!!!!

Animac - Agree with FHL and WS that you had/have every right to be angry at your H. I've felt this same kind of really intense anger at my W too. I think it goes with the territory. When you said, "Why did he ask if he didn't want to know?" I thought of her. She'll see I'm a bad mood, and it will ALWAYS be because I've been thinking about her affair. And when I tell her yes, she (like your H) starts attacking me, as though I have no right to my feelings. So you're definitely not alone. I fully understand how you feel and think you're perfectly justified to feel that way. Also understand your obsession with what your H might be doing. This is part of the problem with affairs. They drive us crazy this way! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Hi Annie,<BR> I know what you feel.After I found out about my W's affair,I was hurt,angry(no,furious)and felt I was losing my mind,while she acted like it was just a walk in the park.We have to remember that they don't understand what we're going through because it did'nt happen to them.My W even convinced her family that I needed therapy,not her.They just could'nt understand what she was putting me through.But you know,right?She basically framed me for her wrongdoing.And like you,I got madder,and madder.But I finally realized something.You have to accept that there are some things in life that you can't do anything about.Can you stop your H from seeing the OW?(killing her is'nt an option)Can you force your H not to divorce you?Can you stop the sun from going down?I'm sorry,Annie,some things we just have no control over.Oh,I still get mad,believe me,I get mad.But it does'nt do me any good to make myself sick over things that are not in my power to change.Life is not fair,and it never will be.Think of the children who get cancer,a young mother who's killed in a car crash,the families back east who lost their homes.My mother has lived with pain all her life,and Friday she had open-heart surgery.Seeing her laying there after the operation,with all the tubes coming out of her,made me realize that I still have a lot to be grateful for.My mother is still alive,and I am still alive.My W put me through hell and back,but I still have my will to prevail.Sorry this is so long,but I just want you to understand that there is more to life than a man who won't commit to his marriage.You will make it through this.Life won't be the same(not for me,either),but it will go on.Take care of yourself,Annie. --Murph

Ani, there's nothing wronng with feeling angry, specially when we have a good reason for it. And as it was said here before me, you do. DOnt' worry about letting go, sometimes is not only needed but beneficial.<BR>Your H might acknwoledge it one day, or not, but you know you've been doing your best in this situation. That;s what is important.<BR>Don't ever bottle things up, they'll come out when you least want them to.<BR>Which one of us didn't lovebust here and there? None that I know. You're in good company ani <BR>Take care of yourself and the girls. Things will end up looking better one way or another.<BR>A big hug<BR>Kat

Hi Annie,<P>No, you're not crazy. <P>Sometimes when we're all entangled in the intensity of our situation, we have trouble keeping it all in perspective. It's easier for outsiders then to take an objective view.<P>In your situation, you have a RIGHT to your anger. It's very valid.<P>1. Your H filed the divorce papers.<P>2. He's out of the house leaving you with the kids.<P>3. From what you've told us, he hasn't been 100% reassuring that he's not seeing the OW.<P>4. He's surely not giving you much comfort.<P>Hey, you're no Saint are ya? Cuz it surely would take saint-like qualities NOT to be mad.<P>Annie, frustratingly, it seems you're in that stage of emotional warfare with your H. He's probably gonna argue every little point so as to justify things. For example, if he can somehow psych himself into thinking you're paranoid, too emotional, etc., etc., it's easier for him to rationalize his own behavior. It's surely an attempt to put distance between you. Arguing how many angels fit on the head of a pin. Sheesh.<P>Annie, I really empathize with you. This is a tough one. Hang in there as best you can. If you can vent your anger someplace other than at your H, that's probably a good thing. But, if you can't? Hey, you're human too.<P>Be well.

Anger and resentment are normal and those feelings will come and go. It probably doesn't do any good to vent to your h as this justifies to him why he left. Best to vent here or to friends(spread it around as it can kill friendships). <BR>You have to find a way to channel it away from people(ask my poor filing cabinet).

Annie<P>Geeze how I can relate! If you figure out a way to control it, please tell me how! I honestly believe I hate the man I once loved and that actually makes me even more angry.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P>

I find working out helps release some of the physical fight or flight anger/tension that builds up. Another benefit is the natural serotonin (anti-depressant)release from exercise. And, if you just can't get away from the house and kids, there may be the option of getting into the car and screaming...

Annie, I know how you feel. You're continually having the affair thrust in your face , your buttons are pressed and you react. Then it's turned around that You are the problem, the cause of the affair, and of course "how could I live with anyone so unreasonable!' My answer is that no-one would want to live with the person my wife described!<P>It is hard to bite your tongue, and we all slip once in a while. I remind myself that the person currently occupying my wife's body is not the woman I married, or the woman I love, or even the mother of my children. I try to accept that a divorce of this person will happen and that maybe one day my wife will return to her body and just maybe I will be able to help her at that time.

What you need to do at this stage is very simple for me to advise and very hard for anyone to do. You must pull back from him. If Plan B is impractical, you have to detach yourself from him to the greatest extent you can. Here's why.<P>First, as already stated by others, you have NO CONTROL over his affair. In fact, if you bring it up, it's further justification for its continunance.<P>Second, your husband will take advantage of every opportunity to convince himself that he's right. He has to. Otherwise, how could he live with leaving his family like this. Don't play the game.<P>Third, you're at the point where you legitimately can't control your LBing. It was bound to happen. That's why Harley puts the time limit on Plan A. I think very few people in the world could do it indefinitely. After a while of giving and getting nothing back, your taker will come out with a vengeance.<P>Finally, the man is not rational. He's enthralled in that stupid affair. Logical arguments are a complete waste of time.<P>For your own sake, as well as your marriage's, you do have to cut off all discretionary contact. Disappear when he visits. Focus on YOU. Try to enjoy your life, your work, your friends. Prepare for the possibility that he's not coming back. You don't need him Annie, especially when he's like this. And only he can change himself back into someone that deserves your love. You can't do it for him and you can't demand it.<P>I'm really sorry for this pain he's putting you through. You deserve so much more.

I'm not sure I was complete in my answer last night. I think you have every right and even a responsibility to be angry.<P>It is your choice to share your anger, if you could do it in a factual rather than emotionally charged judgmental way, then have at it.<P>This man had an affair. He abandoned you while you were pregnant. He never recommitted to the marriage...just made an attempt to decide if he wanted to recommit...kind of like taking his family on a test drive. He now has made an unilateral decision to permently end the marriage commitment he supposedly had made for life. He is abandoning his children. He may always be their father, but he is not doing what is in their best interest...he is putting to be what he percieves as his best interest or happiness ahead of his wife and his children.<P>While he is still a married man he is probibly continuing a relationship outside the marriage which he may not have even entirely stopped or stopped, but did not give enough chance to get over.<P>He is doing all of this without shame...in fact he wants to be friends with you. Civil for the children is one thing...friends is another.<P>So, yeah...you should be angry...and if you want to share those points with him, get it off your chest.<P>He may not agree with you and he sure won't like hearing it, but I would say that is part of speaking the truth in love.<P>You need to feel all of your anger and grieve your losses. You just do not want to let the roots of bitterness take hold...which would be understandable and easy to do.<P>You were wronged...but you are still accountable for the rest of your life. So deal with everything and work it through. If no one else understands, we do and many caring people are here to listen.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13<p>[This message has been edited by Faith Hope Love (edited September 27, 1999).]

Thank you all so much! I'm sorry I couldn't respond until now -- hard to do at work. I know the anger is legitimate. I also know expressing the anger to him does no good.<P>In general, I'm doing better with the anger. I know this because I don't blow up at my children anymore. I really hated myself for doing this. Especially because I knew the anger was really at him, but my nerves were frayed and so I would lose my cool. That doesn't happen anymore. <P>I realize I'm long overdue for plan B. It's been weird, though, since he says he's not seeing OW. I suspect that changed last week, though, after he filed papers. I think that's a big part of my anger right now. He continues to insist that this has nothing to do with her, while at the same time admitting his feelings for her. It's just such a stupid reason to destroy his family. <BR>