Ibiza has an alien abductee WW on his hands. She is spending nights next door with a young musician then going home to him during the day.

He is just starting plan A.
Now she is returning to England to visit their adult sons this week.

They WANT to shout & beg, but what SHOULD they tell their mother ?

Advice ASAP please - Ibizas WW is already in the UK.

Thanks O wise and good friends

They should tell their mother that they know and how deeply disappointed they are. I think it would be best for them to tell her exactly how they feel and ask her to knock it off!

I think they should tell her how they feel, too. But they should be told about the fog and what it can do to people you've known all your life. Otherwise it could be very hurtful trying to discuss this matter with their M, and getting foggy answers from a person you thought was mature.

Bob, brownhair had a good point. It might be good to explain that she has the reasoning capacities of a drunk. But they should not accommodate that AT ALL. They should not act like she is rational but treat her to the shock that normal thinking people when exposed to her wacky thinking.

I agree Mel, thats WONDERFUL advice BH & Both !

I have emailed Ibiza to check out this thread.

I think the best thing the sons could do at this point is ask her to postpone her visit; that I did not agree with her choices and her present lifestyle, and I did not want my family (I don't know if they have kids) around this thinking I condoned it.

She is welcome to come visit any time after she ends this affair.

Susan

Shes already home Susan, sorry I didn't make that clear. Makes sense though I must admit. Got home yesterday.

Thanks for your advice so far.

They don´t have kids of their own to expose to this behaviour. Without prompting from me they independently concluded that their mum had "taken leave of her senses" (their words, not mine).

They are both angry and disappointed. Our older son will not speak to her on the phone and is especially upset. He works in Ireland thru´ the week. He will probably be very angry & upset to her face when he sees her on Friday evening. The younger son (who manages her retail business)has assumed the parent role in this & is able to be more objective.

WS is very miserable about the prospect of "losing" her sons but doesn´t see a shotgun reconciliation working. Neither do I.

I previously told the boys not to say what they think I want them to. I told WS that she should be aware of the pain & disappointment she is causing when she thinks about her situation.I also told her that I don´t want to drag her back nor do I want her to forced back by others.

The more people she speaks to who who show shock and disbelief at her behaviour, the more she is likely to question her own state of mind.

Ibiza, you don't have the power to "force" her to do the right thing, but you SHOULD do everything in your power to persuade her to do the right thing and abandon her destructive ways. Especially, making it very uncomfortable for her to conduct herself in such a sleazy, despicable manner.

Those boys need to let her know EXACTLY how they feel. They should hold nothing back. She needs to be exposed to the consequences of her destructive behavior. This can only help in waking her up from this fantasy.

This is the beauty of exposure, it forces the WS to see how sleazy they look to others when they are forced to explain themselves. So please encourage your boys to tell her this. OR, if they refuse to see her, she should be told the reasons why. Whatever you do, don't protect her from the fallout.

I am grieving for your boys, Ibiza. Adultery is always hard on kids, but I think when it is a mother, it hits boys really hard. When I was just dating my current H, it was extremely hard on my boys and they deeply resented it. To my surprise, they felt protective of me and resented an interloper coming onto the scene. They also were scandalized that I would "DATE!!!!!" I will never forget their shock!

Right, I agree.

How old are these adult sons? I really think telling them what to do or say to her would be overstepping your boundaries.

If they are adult children they need to be informed of her actions so that they can make their on respective decisions. And if they want opinions on how they should handle it, they will ask.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Ibiza.

MEL is right. Don't ask the boys to hold their opinions in check. Let them decide what they do or don't.

Her choices, her consequences.

All the best,
Gimble

what you MBs have advised so far is exactly what´s happening.

The boys are 25 & 27. We also have a DIL. Her mother died a long time ago. My WS has been a mother & friend to her too.

These kids are adults and I can´t tell them what to say. They have now assumed a parenting role over their ma.

The only advice I´ve given them is be true to yourselves. Give her your honest sincere reaction. Hold nothing back, whatever it is.

Well, she´s back!

Not many surprises. Our younger son (25) has listened to what WS had to say. She was staying at his apartment so they had a number of conversations. She raised a number of issues regarding our marriage, mainly my slow recovery from a breakdown. She said that if this particular OM hadn´t come along, it would have been someone else.

He´s made it clear that he´s disappointed that she didn´t have the guts to raise the problems she saw & try to work them through before betraying me. He´s also angry about the state I´m in.

The older son (27) is more emotional. He saw her for one hour before he got too upset to carry on. He got married himself 1 year ago and our long happy marriage was one of the beacons he aspired to. He feels very let down & can still hardly speak to her. He wouldn´t give her a hug when she went.

She´s upset about losing some respect & love from her boys. She knows how to recover it (leave the OM & come back to me) but she can´t do this. I´m aware that they have mirrored my reaction although I told them that I ´wasn´t going to put them thru a loyalty test.

WS thinks that I´ve helped in some ways to drive her boys away from her. She should know how people feel but I don´t want to drive her away from the family. This won´t help my chances of a reconciliation.

I´ll have to play this one carefully.

She has driven a wedge between herself and the boys.

That 'it could have been anyone' is rationalising bollocks. My Squid said the same.

You gotta stand up and be a hero now mate. Gets tough here on in.

Be a GREAT H, who takes no [censored].