After months of begging WF for honesty about where our relationship is, I ended up calling OW # 2 and spoke with her for an hour. Only to find out that WF considered that our relationship over months ago.

Now? one day after finding all this out and WF knows I spoke to OW. He suddenly sent an email and wants "to talk" about us.

I am infuriated that he had soooo little respect for me to give me honesty but b/c the OW told him he should talk, now he's going to!!!! B/c he vales HER and respects HER opinion?

I don't even know how to respond to his request to do this?
what do I freakin reply to his wanting to talk???

anyone know what I can say? or how to reply? my blood pressure is throught the roof and my stomach in knots <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

They always tell the OP that your relationship is over. Don't listen. Your WH wants to talk... great! But don't expect anything but fog babble. Are you in plan A? If so, I would tell WH that you would love to talk, and use reverse babble (have you read about this?) to say what you want to say.

So relax, take some deep breaths, and decide what YOU want to say.

Cereal,

Believe you already have your answers from the way he has been acting over the last several months and from what OW#2 told you, yesterday. In his eyes, it is over. Why bother to meet with him "to talk" about "us" when you already know the answer - why let him denigrate you further? I know you are hopeful he will say or you will say something that will heal the relationship, but that isn't going to happen given what it took for him to talk to you in the first place (its that old fog thingy). Don't disrespect yourself by putting yourself in the position to be berated, hurt, etc. by him. Instead, walk away with your head held high.

Just my thoughts,

Brit's Brat

That's all it's an opportunity for if I talk to him:

more lies so he can try and make himself look better
for example: "I wanted to tell you but was afraid of hurting you more" or "I didn't want to tell you it was over for fear you'd pull visitation from me with our son." which I cannot let him have unsupervised visits anyway b/c of DSS involvement. If I grant visitation with him w/o supervision DSS could open a file against ME for putting my son in a neglectful /abusive environment.

WF knows gosh-darned well that I cannot just drop off our son to his home or anyplace else. but I'm sure he'll try and use that as an excuse to why he couldn't be honest...

AND if I talk with him, your right Brit? what can I possible learn that I haven't already? OW already says it's over in his mind. If I talk with him I will have no dignity left b/c I know I am a bundle of emotion and would end up in tears.all I have left at this point is privacy to my own grief and not have to be on public display for him.

His priority is not visiting with his son, or providing me with closure; it is RUTTING around with whomever and keeping his nice FOG insulation around him.

Thank you, I feel less panicked about it all

cereal...

quit wasting your time and energy begging someone for truth ..

truth and honesty aren't feelings they are VALUES...

either your husband will come to value truth or he will not...
and either you will set your own boundaries on yourself as to what is tolerable in your universe....

your husband as all WS are disconnected from their value system and spend tons and tons of energy running from that ...
yet they are the cliche of "wherever you go there you are"

ofcourse in his mind it has been over...

conquer and divide is a true way of thinking and rationalizing poor actions and hurtful behaviors...

if you weren't "over" in his mind...
then how could he justify his actions without exploding??

he can not give you respecting honesty when he himself does not...

what is extremely important...is that all YOUR words are honest and HAVE great meaning...
for he surrounds himself with those who are like himself..

dishonest
and
rationalizing the reality of their actions....

there is not judgement in the words of the OP because they are mirror images.....of the WS..
birds of a feather....

he does not value her opinion
for it is not valueable....

I think you answer with vagueness...
be aloof perhaps...
a little too busy right now to jump because he suddenly wants you to...

buy some time...

if you make an issue out of this non-issue it will be a lovely smoke screen to avoid the issue....

ARK

Plan A Plan B?? I don't get those too well.... All I know is I have to just move on for my own sanity and to protect my son and I from more dysfunction and abuse. There is no hope for our relationship because TODAY he is not the man I need, TODAY he is promiscuious/philandering, TODAY he is verbally/physically abusive. MAYBE someday, he will come out of the fog he's in and MABYE feel bad about all the harm he's caused. MAYBE he'll even get intensive therapy and want to start over. BUT that's just it, I have to bank on TODAY. The future when that MAYBE maybe happens? I may have already found a healthy relationship or choose not to be in one at all. It 's too painful waiting in limbo land for sowething that may never come.

Tomorrow I will weep and miss him, but today I know I need to stay away.

thanks for re-iterating the much needed reality for me, I need to hear it again and again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

do you have an actual reply I could cut and paste in there? lol. I'm not good at being vague or aloof, I guess I'm over-emotive

Of course she's going to say that, why would she say anything else? She will say whatever she has to justify their actions for her own self. Having said that, your WH is really the only one who knows for certain and even he is in the fog so you are really only left with one person to trust - YOU.

Exactly! Be true to yourself! I know you've had some rough patches, but take care to keep your dignity. Don't give that up.

There is nothing wrong with letting him know that right now you need your own space to sort things out and come to grips with things. Or that you need to time to think things out before you talk and that you'll contact him when you are ready. In other words, you set the time and place for this "talk". Get a babysitter and meet in a neutral location (public park, perhaps?) to minimize the drama.

Don't let him know you need space or you have any emotional response to him at all..

that's DRAMA.
that's something...

give him nothing....

Don't answer the email AT all....

dark dark dark..

he expects a reply...give him the one thing he does not expect...

silence..........

no I am so distressed
this is like a fly on your shoulder..
brush him off..............

ARK

sit way back and let this man stew a little..
and then watch him escalate...

and no matter what safety first...
are you saying he is physically violent with you...

for that calls for a whole different plan...

ARK

WF will stand trial for A&B with a Deadly Weapon (felony) and Intimdidation of a Witness(Felony) on August 23rd. T latter charge is for ripping the phone out of the wall to prevent me from calling 911 for help, immediately after he split my head open. 1st arrest was for A&B too but it was dismissed b/c I didn't testify. (He had told me there wouldn't be a relationship if it went to trial).

oh and yes, anytime I have cried over emotional hurt he says I am being a "drama queen"

how did you know he percives me that way? are you psychic? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Why the devil would you entertain the notion of meeting with him after all this?!?!?!

We don't have to be psychic to know about the drama...it's evident from your post.

No one in their right mind would entertain the thought...let alone actually meet with the person who did such terrible things to them....THAT'S where drama comes into play.

committed

cereal, I would suggest getting a restraining order, doubling your locks and getting a handgun. Someone who bashes your head in and pulls the phone out of the wall is not, I repeat, IS NOT marriage material.


So you were worried you would lose a "relationship" where the guys bashes your brains in? What have you been smoking, girl??! You call that a "relationship?"

Cereal... girl... Please disregard what I said and listen to these other very wise folks! Any one who would abuse you is NOT WORTHY! Protect yourself!

My God, I would be terrified of this man! Aren't you? Be thankful he's not around and able to do it to you again.

Stay safe!

I guess it's easy being on the outside looking in as to why anyone would want a relationship. when your in it, I guess you don't see it... Perhaps battered women get into some kind of fog themselves where they can't think objectively anymore

First off, I think one of the keys here is that this guy is Cereal's FIANCE, not WH. Yes, they have a son together, but there are VERY SERIOUS issues here that should make anyone want to run away screaming. He physically abused you, cereal. NO way in heck should you meet with him again. It should be your decision that the relationship is over - why even let him be the one to "decide" for the two of you? For gosh sake, he split your head open. He can't even see his own son without someone being present because DSS has intervened. Don't know about you, but this is not the type of guy I want for a mate. Run while the getting is good. Let OW#1, #2....#100 have him - he ain't worth having at this point in time.

Regards,

BB

There are lots of woman who are abused, you are not the only one! Matter of fact every single woman on this board has been abused...You dont have to be HIT to be abused...There is physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse...all sorts of abuse.

You are only making an excuse as to WHY you dont think you can leave him now. Why are thinking of only today? What about tomorrow when he comes over and shooots you in front of your son...or he beats his son to get at you? you say you cannot leave your son with him without supervision, but yet you want this relationship to work out for more abuse down the road.

This man needs help! and so do you! you need protection! If it is so bad that you are afraid you SS will file charges then why do you want to live this way?

BTW, what does WF? Are you two married?

You're not married, and he's already cheating with multiple women.

And more than that, he has hit you.

You should never be THAT desparate for a relationship.

Answer us honestly - what is it about him that you love so much and that makes you want to stay with him? Can you really list much? Or is it more like..."well, he's the father of my son." "He can be really good when he isn't upset." "I'll never find anyone else." Or even, "I'm afraid of how he'll react if I break it off with him."

Those are not good reasons. And with someone who would hurt you that way, there are no reasons. No good in him could outweigh the fact that he seriously injured you, that next time he could kill you, that it's probably only a matter of time before he does the same to your son, to the fact that by staying with him, you make if very likely that your son will turn out the same way, and that if all those weren't enough to show how little he respects you, he is cheating on you and exposing you to all kinds of diseases, some of which are deadly.

Run! Run like he!! and don't look back!

Cereal:

The concepts of "marriage building" do NOT apply to your situation in an way. Please ofcourse continue to post for support, but please do NOT make the mistake of believing that these "concepts" can heal your relationship. They can't and were not intended to do that for situations like yours.

Please heed the advice given to you above and separate yourself from this disgusting piece of vermin who is unfortunately the father of your son. Get a RO, and get legal and financial protection against him.

Get counseling and start to heal. Please do NOT waste another second of your life questioning the relationship or asking for honesty from him. There is NO NEED to expose, or write letters, or do any of that. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME DOING SO. You do not have the luxury of doing this here.

Sorry for this situation nonetheless.

Sour...

I apologize. Your (plural) sentiments are echoed by my mother, sister, father, best friends, legal personal, police personnel etc... I don't have a "good" reason as to why I continue to speak to him. Except that I love him. Which spawns the next question of why would one love someone who.....again, I don't know the answer as to why I haven't walked away from him completely. That's why I am in psychotherapy every week. The focus of my treatment is no longer why my fiance did what he did ....but rather why I continue to interact with him. My family and friends are frustrated with me. Which adds to my pain.

I have been hoping beyond hope that there are mitigating circumstances about my fiance, that perhaps he had some kind of breakdown as to his behavior. Something that could be treated. I cannot believe that the man I met who was for the first 6 months wonderful to me, just turned overnight into a sociopath. It just doens't make sense. It also doesn't make sense for him to spend $7,000 on an engagement ring while he was in the midst of a physical affair. I just want to understand at this point the why of it all. I want closure to understand what went on inside him.

I apologize for causing any anger here. I will find somewhere else to post. Thank you for your help and time.