I am in desperate need of help and support. I hope some of you might be able to give me a taste of sanity in this storm I’m in the middle of.

My fourteen year marriage has had its ups and downs. We have two kids, ages 13 and 11, and my wife and I have always managed to ride out the storms. Sure, things could always be better, but I thought we had reached a point where we had much of the rough spots behind us.

That is until about last November. My wife’s job changed and she was working with all new people. I did not notice at first, but it began with a growing emotional distance. She was more critical of me, less interested in sharing herself or listening to me. She became more and more disinterested in sex.

By January, she started losing weight and making herself up to go to work. New clothes. Suddenly, there were “girls nights” out with her new friends from work – girls and this guy named Ray, who she assured me was harmless. Our relationship was worse than ever. I couldn’t seem to do anything right. When I objected to her new activities away from the family, she accused me of smothering her and that I seemed to want to keep her from having any life of her own. Where we once talked to each other about our days and our feelings, there was a wall, impatience and irritability. We used to check in with each other a couple of times a day, just to see how things were going, to plan meals or discuss what the kids were doing that night; the calls stopped. In fact, she got angry with me one time I called because “I’m always calling her – none of the other husbands call their wives during the day …”.

By the end of March, I was suspicious. I know, what took so long; but its like the frog in slowing heating water, you never seem to see clearly when its you. I kept thinking it was just another rough spot, and we were both busy with work and kids and stuff. I began to watch and pay attention; but I couldn’t really come up with anything concrete. I told her point blank that it seemed like there was something going on, but she denied it.

Finally in late April, my suspicions crystallized. She had been working on a Saturday (a once unusual but increasingly common occurrence) when she came home and got in the shower. Her cell phone rang and it was a number I did not recognize. I answered and it was Ray. She had an excuse for his call, but when I asked why he had her cell number, she stammered. That night I checked her programmed numbers. Ray’s number was on speed dial, without a name attached. I got on line and checked the phone records. Calls to Ray started appearing in March and escalated to almost every day by the end of April – including weekends.

I confronted her. She denied it. She was caustic and angry that I had violated her privacy – that I was spying on her. Ray was just a friend – wasn’t she allowed to have male friends? And she also had legitimate work reasons to call him. I was paranoid. I was suffocating her. She accused me of trying to control her life and tell her who her friends were. She was not interested in Ray. He is not her type. Right now she doesn’t want anything to do with men at all. Blah blah blah.

The family counselor told me to concentrate on being the best Dad I could be, to take care of myself, and give her space, while showing her that I was there for her. Pretty much “Plan A”.

We went on a family vacation that had been long planned. I hoped that would improve things. And it did. Over the 10 days, we slowly seemed to grow closer. But when we got home again, it was almost like magic; every day I could sense the old fog returning a little bit more. We are now back to square one. I’m an unwelcome intrusion in her life. If she is calling Ray on her cell, she is hiding it. And she has become much more secretive about her plans and schedules. She still admits nothing.

Folks help! I’ve been advised not to move out of the house. I’m not sure I’m ready to force anything. I’m trying to give, but its hard when you feel that it goes in a black hole and she is running around on me. How long is a reasonable time to give this? I love my family - I love my wife, but this is torture. Any advice will be appreciated.

DH,

Some quick suggestions...

1. Read everything you can on this site. There is some amazing stuff. It sounds like your W(wife) is having an emotional affair(EA). These can be just as damaging..if not more so...than physical affairs(PA).

2. Do not trust her. She is lying. She sounds just like any wayward spouse(WS) I have heard. The sad fact, however, is that she may not know she is lying. Up until my H's affair..I would have never considered a strong emotional attachment an affair. She may consider it not wrong because nothing physical has happened.

3. Does she use the computer...if so, install a keylogger today. It will tell you everything that she types and will give you any secret emails that she has.

4. Find out if this guy is married. If so, you might consider calling his wife and letting her know that something might be going on. I regret not doing this in my own sitch immensely!!!!!!!!!

5. Plan A your butt off while you are figuring all this out. Show her what she is giving up.

I wish you all the best...and hope this helps a bit.

True

Hi DH,
Sorry to read you are here.
True is a good buddy of mine on MB and she has great advice. This line here is a "major" red flag.
WS always say the worst about the person they are having feelings for to throw you off.
Keep steady. Tell her how unhappy you have been since all this began. If she's not compassionate to your feelings suggest MC.
The fog can be so thick at times. Just keep breathing. If you love her and choose to keep your marriage, let her know.
If I can be of any help, just let me know.
You are in my prayers,
holiday

There is a LOT of traffic on the board called "general questions"

You may want to start a new thread there ... you will be getting a lot of responses on the GQII board.

Have you read all the newcomer information ?

Task one ---> find out all you can about OM.

is he married?
what is his position in the company? supervisor?

you need to get hard data of the affair .... have your wife followed, hire a PI

buy a voice activated tape recorder and install under her car seat......

you need to know if this is a PA (physical affair) ... you can buy semen detection kits on the internet ... when your W takes off her clothes after one of these "working Saturdays" ... get her panties and do a test

do NOT discuss these findings with your wife until you get all your ducks lined up

PLEASE ... try the more active booard.

sorry you are here .... but this site can be the best place to be when you join the club where no one wants to be a member

Sorry to tell you this but I heard the exact same things as you are hearing last summer and in November finally found out my wife was cheating.

I can't tell you for sure if she is already but believe nothing she tells you!!

Listen to the people on this board and maybe you can avoid what I am going through!!

Do not let her make you feel bad about checking up on her!!

If Ray is married find his wife!!

I waited too long to come hear and did not follow the advice when I finally did and I am paying dearly for it.

One thing that you need to understand and truly believe is that if she is cheating that is not your fault. If you read hear enough you will find that allowing your marriage to be vulnerable to an affair is your fault but stepping off that cliff can not be blamed on you, it will be but do not for one minute think that it is your fault.

Once again I need to reiterate follow the advice given hear and do not believe a word out of your wife's mouth. I fell into that trap thinking she could never do it after watching the devastation my brother's wife caused to him and my family and guess what she did it anyway. She had a front row seat to see what infidelity can do to a family and she did it anyway, and continues to do it with no regard for my feelings or the consequences.

This woman is no longer your wife, you need to believe that!!

Sorry for rambling on but I have been dealing with this for over a year now with no end in sight and I do not want anybody else to ever have to feel this way.

Please heed the advice you will find hear. It may not only save your marriage it could save your life!!

I'm back again because you need to understand you are the sane one here and you need to stay here for help and support. Everything in your post is so close to my experience it is like reliving the beginning of my horrible experience. I am going to parse one paragraph and tell you exactly what I heard from my WW wife to make you understand that this is all according to script and the people here can guide you through it. This is a life altering event and you do not want to screw it up.



Almost had you thinking you were crazy for suggesting it, didn't she?


Get used to this, it won't change, but DO NOT let it stop you and never ever reveal how you have obtained any of your info!!!



"He's a really good friend."
"He's really good company."
"He's been a perfect getleman."



"He really knows alot about this business."
"I'm really learning alot from him."
"He's going to be a millionaire someday."
"It's just business."


"I don't tell you when I'm going to be with him because you just pout."
"You never cared what I did all day long before."



"You know I've never liked jealousy."


Told this to me and anyone who would listen when a mutual friend voiced her suspicions.



"Why would I do that? I'm having enough trouble with the men in my life."

"I'm going to be alone the rest of my life, I know I don't want another man in my life." Just recently told this one to her sister while continuing to cheat on me.

DHD you ended this paragraph with blah, blah, blah don't underestimate the seriousness of this it is going to change your life!!

I can't tell you if she is already physically involved with this man or not but you need to act from a position that she is.

Again believe nothing this woman says I know it is hard I kept telling my wife I trusted her and she could do what she wanted and she did. I never thought it would bring me to the place I am at. It is very hard to imagine that the person you have known for all this time could do this to you and your family but you need to trust me, SHE CAN and WILL even if you do act.

I don't know if you've met Ray but if you have and you think that she would never jeopardize her and her family's future for this person, THINK AGAIN!! This is not a rational person and you need to act with that in mind.

I implore you, follow the advice given here DO NOT act from the heart it will only be crushed like a bug.