It's becoming painfully obvious to me that my WW has very weak willpower and has been lying through her teeth to me since D-Day.

While the OM was in Mexico (since April), she had told me she hadn't been talking to him. However, I recently discovered a calling card that she has been using. I asked her if she called him, she said yes once, but she didn't get anyone and that was it.

I then research the card and find out that it has burned $80 worth of call time. I ask her again, this time she says she talked to him once or twice, but because she needed to clarify with him that their original plans (living together, life together) weren't going to work out. Yeah, whatever.

She says she talked to him once, but the charges show she called him at least three times last month. Has my WW become a pathological liar? Good lord, this is pitiful. The funny thing is she tells me how she feels trapped and hurt when I ask her about this stuff. Say what? She's digging her own hole in my opinion!

She did spend about three weeks without contacting him when he first left, and I saw some of the fog clear back then. But now she's all foggy again after talking to him and getting the love letter he sent to OUR house last week.

When I told her we needed to setup a NC agreement and letter, she called him instead to (supposedly) setup the NC verbally. Problem is that I wasn't there to hear it. So I asked for a written NC letter and I now have that. She says he (being such a good friend) DESERVED to hear it in person, and not through a written letter. I guess what I DESERVE is not important.

So far, one week and no signs of contact. She feels horrible guilt over the A, and says she wishes she would have instead come to me and told me her worries before she started the A. I believe she wishes for that, but she has absolutely no willpower thus far to overcome the addiction.

I've been following plan A so far, is there anything I should do to help her along? Do you think a call with Steve Harley is in order at this point? We've yet to talk to him. She is destroying herself emotionally, but I know that the momentary contact she has with OM is too much to resist.

Steve Harley does very well talking to WS's. Will she agree to talk with him? He could help you both.

sundog, don't play around with this. You are at a very critical time in your marriage right now and need some guidance. Steve Harley specializes in this and can assess your situation and, more importantly, give you a PLAN. This isn't your typical counseling session where you blather on about your feelings, he accumulates the facts, asks lots of questions and gives you solid advice. He achieves in 1-2 sessions what most counselors never achieve.

So, please give him a call. He is expensive, $180, but that is much cheaper than a divorce.

p.s. I would MOST DEFINITELY expose the OM at work now. He has no intention of backing off from your wife and is so bold and disrespectful to you that he would actually send a loveletter to YOUR HOME. sundog, that is outrageous.

I don't think this guy is going to stop unless you shake up his world. And when he comes back to work soon, you can count on them hooking up again. I guarantee you they are already planning it.

And the truth is that he will probably dump your W at the first sign of trouble because he is not serious. He is only serious about having a little fun and keeping her strung along. You have enormous power in your hands over him, you need to use it if you want to save your marriage. You shouldn't help him hide his dirty little secret.

And how old is this guy? Could you find out his parent's names?

MelodyLane,

He is about 45, my wife and I being 30.

I got the address in Mexico when he sent the love letter, I could contact his parents at that address. My spanish is pretty good, I could write them a letter.

I also had talked to the administration at the university where he works, but their response to the A was that they were two adults and therefore the university has no problem or control over their actions.

The only other option for exposure at his work is for me to directly email all/some of the other professors in his department. I have access to all their email addresses. Would that be too harsh? Would I cc him on such a move? Lol. Anyway.

I don't know that my wife would be involved if I called Harley. She is in the wait and 'see how the marriage goes' mode, says she is not committed to anything yet. I might just talk to him once on my own to see if he can help me plan things out a bit.

sundog, she may not be ready for counseling at this point. Harley can help guide you through this, though.

Ok, I'm in the process of setting up an appointment with Harley.

As far as the exposure at their workplace that I mentioned above, anyone have any thoughts?

See what Steve says.