i am struggling with something today that comes and goes and is here today rather strongly.

first i should say, i am 1 day into being on 25% of the dosage of zoloft i've been taking after having a week of 50%. 6 more days of 25% and then i'll be off of it completely.

another thread asked if FWS deal with triggers too. i didn't have the energy to answer there. i think that might be what is happening. i bearly listen to pop music anymore, not because every song would be a trigger but non-christian music triggers me to think about how messed up i got.

the best way to describe how i am feeling right now is that i have horrors in my head that i can't seem to get rid of. of things i did between 7/2001 and 11/2003.

i am not sure if any other FWW out there can relate. i think for the most part, most FWW were involved with one OM that they did, at least for the time, felt they loved the person. my behavior was so sick and became so down right perverse as time went on.

i'm feeling so disgusting and dirty today. UNCLEAN!!!

i know my only answer is a spiritual one. i know the bible says our sins can be erased and we are cleansed. but i'm not even remotely close to taking heart with those words.

truth is, (and i know this can't be something that would be good for him,) i almost wish i could tell him some of the details, of the bad situations i put myself in, so he could comfort me, tell me i'm ok and safe.

i'm feeling very unsafe today.

i really don't want this to be about meds!!! i like the idea of not taking them. if i break down into tears around him he is just going to say it's cuz i'm cutting down on the meds and i should probably go back on them and stay on them.

but the fact remains, tears are very plentiful right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

if i could have one wish it would be to find it impossible to cry!!!!

i need to keep this in perspective, i am not emotionally upset as often as i used to be, not even close.

is it really the meds???

do i really need them longterm? i completely hate that idea, my face is all red and blotchy and i think it the meds. it is another reason why dr said lets try to wean you off and see if your face clears up. the other thought is that it is a very late side effect from all the steriods i had cuz of that stupid poison ivy problem i had for about 6 weeks!!!

ok, i'm talked out. anyone want to respond?

Awwwwwwwww FL (HUGS)

I know what you mean - by still being horrified of the things you did - of how that could have possibly been you - so ashamed, so disappointed in yourself and feeling so let down by yourself.

But what has helped me immensely is remembering that who I was then does NOT have to be who I am now, and I can move on in life NOT being defined by my past, but by my present and future...it's what I do today and tomorrow that will define me.



I have days still where I feel this way - but immediately I remember - that was THEN - this is NOW - what am I doing today to better who I am. As I will NEVER be that person again. I have finally forgiven myself for failing. And that was the HARDEST thing I ever did.


Sometimes I feel the same way, and I want to talk about my H's affair too that he recently had...but I realize that bringing anything up to him about it - puts him back...and I want to go forward. So with his knowledge, encouragement and support, I talk to a few close friends from here on MB, and to my spiritual councellor. Getting those things out - especially to others who understand without getting hurt or judging me, helps alot. Do you have people to talk to? You can always e-mail me if you ever need to candice.louise@gmail.com

I had a friend who was on AD's for 2 years until she weaned off them - she had post-partum and had an affair during this time - abandoned her new baby with her H and off she went. She is now 4 years out and doing really well. She doesn't discuss anything with her H anymore, but still talks openly with me and others who understand.

The AD's helped her cope day to day while she worked through the feelings, and as hte feelings faded and she dealt with them, she slowly weaned off.

Hang in there sweety - it's tough - but remember how far you have come - how you have TRIUMPHED from your climb out of a hole, and keep on climbing.

Give all your thoughts in obedience to the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ - don't let the devil keep shaming you. You are God's child and you are beautiful!

FL, I think that speaks for itself. Your actions then do not define who you are today. Put those words up in a prominent place and remember them. Love ya, FL

thanks dorry.

it's amazing how sometimes i can feel so good about myself and then other days i don't.

good things feelings can't kill us right?? (i have to remind myself from time to time).

i really did do good getting out of my hole, it was such a big one!!! not only did i get out of that one, i got out the hole that was so subtle that i didn't even realize i was in it for the majority of my adult life.

i am very grateful. and i know it was a miracle that God created.

so i know i should not be feeling this way right now.

but i still do feel this way right now.

I know that when I dwell on what I did - or where we were - it brings me down...so I start focusing on all the good things now, or my future plans...

I focus on them SOO hard, that eventually I get in a good mood. Somedays takes 30 seconds, other days takes hours...

Just get mad at yourself if you start thinking down - tell yourself NO - and look at the positives.

Look at how much you have learned and are learning, and look at the blessings in your life. FORCE yourself to dwell on those instead.

thanks Faith. see now i am crying again now!!!!! ugh.

i think it is time for me to get out of this office. the family is actually taking the train to this area so we can use some coupons at a nearby restraunt and then, if i can stay awake and it is not too hot, we are planning on playing mini-golf.

ya know, i really should not under-estimate the fact that i didn't get much sleep last night. lets see, asleep the first time at about midnight, woken up a few times cuz my my H to let me know where he was, and then up for good at 3:30am at which point i ended up on a little bit of a road trip for no reason (long story).

being tired always makes me feel more emotional.

ok, i'm going to chalk this up to no sleep, have a short evening and get to bed very early.

dorry, you are a very smart lady. thanks again.

FL

Heres my reply to your 'wrong wrong wrong' comment on my thread


This is so CLEAR to me FL. You cannot alone advance your marriage recovery. An dyou CAN effect your personal recovery but if you do so while yoru H is anchored in th epast you only place extra distance between you two.

Your H has to let go the video remote and go shoot some more new blessed movies to replace the bad ones. THEN you can personally recover without leaving him behind and help the marriage recover too.

Am I clear ? I hope so.

You wrote such inspriring things a few months ago...

Wanted to remind you

Click Here

LOL - not very smart - I got myself into some pretty nasty messes....lol but growing,learning - I call myself a work in progress <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I just like to share what has helped me to hope that others may find it works too

God has worked miracles in me!

oh dorry!!! thank you is not nearly enough but it's the only thing to say. thanks!!! although did you notice, i started off very upbeat but then it went down a bit (i decided to only read the upbeat part!!! and your poem) thanks one last time!!!

bob - i'm just not going to go there with you right now!!!! remember, my H does not post here so it's really not fair to judge him!!!

i know you are trying to be helpful and i appreciate it. i do think JL's advice about voting for him is what i need to re-read too.

you see, although my H is not wanting to talk, read or do any C, he is not being horrible to me either. not at all. i want emotional closeness this is true, and he cannot give me that right now, but he does put effort into other areas, i love to play games, companionship is high on my list, he has really gotten into backgammon with me. it is something i know he totally does for me, to show me his love, and this is not just when i ask him, he will initiate games too.

goofy as that might sound. it really is significant.

i got to let go of my rocks Bob, i don't know why i wanted to pick them up right now. i will talk to my H about this a bit though, i do believe if he understands how i feel sometimes, there are other behavior changes that he would be willing to do that would help. i just have to let him know.

Totally OT...

FL - was it you I read one day way back who did web design?

FL message received and understood, thanks.

I tend to project MY emotional dyamics onto other BH, which is not judging, but is still not great psychology. My inhibitors and the stuff that overcomes it I tend to become a bit evangelical about it in case it helps.

Well, I've left the package with you. Do what you think best with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, FL.

I have not closely kept up with your thread, so please forgive my ignorance.

Have you been diagnosed with bipolar disorder?

The ADs and the addition of a corticosteroid can be a very bad combination.

Are you seeing a family general practitioner, or a psychiatrist?

Even if you have never had an 'episode', certain medications can 'unmask' conditions that otherwise wouldn't present themselves.

Please speak to you doctor about how you are feeling.

God bless,
Gimble

i got a pretty good night sleep, not as long as i really needed but enough. i tried really hard to get in bed by 9:30 but the kids were both rooted in my bed!!! one doing a needle point craft, the other reading harry potter (our bed has the best lighting). they actually looked pretty cute there together (age 15 and 11) my daughter is such a huge reader, she absolutely loves to see her brother reading. He likes it when she likes him being around her (she is a teenager after all!!)

i could of easily kicked them out of my room and gone to sleep but instead i figured that with them both occupied upstairs i could talk to my H downstairs without interruption. it was a pretty short talk and he did not have much to say in response. but i was able to say what i needed to say.

1) how some of his current behavior is impacting me negatively and why.

2) how i wish he could comfort me because i was feeling frightened and disgusted about some of the stuff i did.

he was able to respond to #1 and he says he will stop being rough in any way. he didn't seem to know what to make of #2.

it was hard to share but i'm glad i did. when i was done and it was very obvious that we were not going to connect right then and there, i removed myself, spent a little time with the kids, then kicked them out so i could have some me time. the good news is, i succesfully soothed myself and that is very good. i then did some reading from Lord I Want to be Whole and some praying. by then it was closing in on 11pm. so not a lot of sleep certainly more than the night before!!! i will make sure i get enough sleep through out the weekend.

dorry, i am a computer programmer and i do know how to do some web design (even taught an HTML class at a local college) but i do not do web design as a profession.

bob - no worries, if by package you meant "the bag of rocks" NO THANKS!! i think ALL of us should be pitching those bags into the ocean.

gimble - regarding bi-polar, i twinge at that thought. i have not been diagnosed, my sister has, my mom has ALWAYS shown very strong signs of the same.

i know throughout my life i have had times of feeling very very blue, like under a dark cloud that i just could not get out from under and that i did not even understand what it was about. i know throughout my life i have always had the abiity to have and show strong happy emotions too.

does that make me bi-polar or just a person with a wide range of emotions?? i think (maybe cuz it is the truth or maybe cuz it is what i really want to be the truth) it is more the latter.

i do know when i had the breakdown in april of 2001, i was severly depressed. i was put on meds but the management of the meds were so AWFUL. she was a terrible psychiatrist. i only saw her for 15 min appts. and her flipant comments caused more damage than good. i wanted nothing more to do with her, so i got off the meds. i should of just gone to another person. instead i got deeper into the internet.

after i was with my current IC for a little bit, i openned up to the idea of meds again, my emotions were all over the place constantly. she advised me to see my general Dr, which i did. betweent the two of them, i really feel like i am under good care now.

at this point i am getting weaned off the meds, and i pray i do not have to go back on them, HOWEVER, if my emotions become unmanagable again, i will, without hesitation. i have allowed too much of my life to be screwed up due to my emotions, i won't let that happen anymore. i have both my IC and my general Dr watching out for me. i have been very open with both of them.

hows that for a long answer to your short question!!!

bob - no worries, if by package you meant "the bag of rocks" NO THANKS!! i think ALL of us should be pitching those bags into the ocean.


No FL, I meant the package of stuff needed to indicate a good marital recovery where the BS is the BH - head of the household.

But cool anyway ! I've chucked those rocks back at the foot of the cross.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

got ya. and i don't disagree. but in His time.

you wrote something about how God could not help you until you were broken down into compartments which He could then reassemble into the right order. the exact same is true with me too, i was in a MILLON peices!!!

and now i do believe the stage (a loving platform) is set so He can work on my H now too. but in His time. my job is to stay strongly rooted in God's presense first as well as my H's. and that is where i am. and where i intend to stay. i have huge faith that in the end we will be victorious, i really do and that in and of itself is a miracle!!! one that i am very grateful for.

FL - have you read the book the power of a praying wife?

also wanted to share a devotional that helped me out - it was in my "Mom's devotional bible"

When we come to know Jesus as our Savior and Lord, in a certain way God begins a "husband" relationship with us. He loves us. He provides wisdom where we lack it. He is our protector. He fulfills our deepest desires.

For various reasons, we may find ourselves without a mate. Mothers without mates. Parents without partners. Whether through death, divorce, single parenthood or simply through emotional abandonment by a husband who still shares your house, we may find ourselves without the husband we hoped to have.

In such a circumstance, God can be a husband to us. We can ask of him what we would ask of a husband. We can trust him to provide for us what a husband would provide. We can seek from him what we desire from a husband. "For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer"

The passages that go along with this devotional are Isiah 54 - read it

thanks for sharing that dorry.

i do have the book the power of a praying wife. ironically purchased in the middle of my mess. needless to say, i realize now i was not at all right enough with God to have been trying to pray for my husband!!!

sounds like a good idea to pull it out again.