Hi all --
Sorry, but I think I'm going to have to stop coming to MB for a while. Some of you know my story from participating in my "Just confessed" thread. For others, if you want to know my story, here's a link:
Just Confessed I'm leaving MB for a few reasons.
First, BW says that I've become too fixated on the A and trying to "fix" it and help her. I guess she's right. It's certainly not the fault of MB, but I just can't seem to get the A and my regrets and the fear of what's going to happen out of my head. At first I thought reading and posting on MB would help, but I'm afraid right now it might just be feeding my problem. I told BW that I've been doing a lot of reading on the topic -- about how I can help her, etc. -- and she says "you're already doing all you can," and then told me that she thought reading any more about it is "not a good idea" and just aggravates the problem. I need to take a step back, concentrate on just being patient for BW, and not be so focused on the A. She's not focused on it (at least she isn't yet -- we're three weeks past D-day), and she thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and beating myself up over and over for soemthing that, in her words "we're going to make it through."
Second, I went to IC yesterday and IC again told me I needed to distance myself from the A thoughts and remorse and not concentrate on it so much. Whether I realize it or not, it's putting pressure on BW and that's bad bad bad. I feel awful about the whole thing and want to fix it any way I can, but when BW is ready to discuss it she'll tell me, and that is largely out of my control.
Third, my focus on the A and getting past it is overshadowing my excitement about the baby that's on its way. We had our first ultrasound on Friday -- where we saw the baby's heartbeat for the first time -- but I still spent a good chunk of the weekend obsessing about the A and how to move toward recovery. That just isn't good.
Fourth, most people here seem to have something going on in their relationships. Whether it's a fight with WS or BS, a "Plan A" to execute, a MC session to talk about, or a recovery that's already underway, most folks seem to be moving forward somehow, some way. I feel like I'm just at a standstill with nothing to report except my silly daily updates about BW's moods. Being here makes me feel like I'm not making much forward progress at all, I'm afraid.
I want to thank everybody who has helped me so far, especially HINY, dusa 90, Racer X, Octobergirl, gentlsoul, pepperband, tiggy and others. I don't want you guys to take this the wrong way -- you have made the worst three weeks of my life so much easier and I really appreciate the support. You're great, strong people.
I just think right now that I need to focus on, well, NOT focusing so much. It's driving both me and BW up the wall.
I will have a tough time not lurking, but I'm going to try and stay away for a time.
Finally, I will check in if there's a major development (good or bad) to report. If it's bad, I'll likely get into posting again for specific advice about what to do next.
Sorry to have to do this, but best of luck to all.
Signing off -
Love Her So
