My husband and I have been coming to this forum for several weeks now reading posts (old and new). I finally decided it was time to post myself, as this seems like a really good support group and everyone seems so willing to try and help everyone else. So I guess I will start with our story.

My H and I have been married for almost 28 years. I am the WS and my H is the BS. The A that I had was 19 years ago, but I did not ever tell my H about it. It was with someone at work at the time. It started out as an EA that gradually became a PA that only included kissing for along time, with actual intercourse only happening one time at the end.

I think that was the moment I woke up and realized what I was actually doing. The experience was not a good one. I did not enjoy it and It was after this that I ended it with the OP and came home shamed, confused, and hurting for what I had actually done. I chose NOT to tell my husband. I had many reasons for doing this. Obviously, I was scared that he would leave me, but I think that another reason just as big was I did not want him to change his opinion of me. I felt that I had done something so awful and so out of character for me and I did not want him to know that I had ever allowed myself to do something so WRONG!

I guess here is where I should explain that my H found out that there was a possible EA going on at work with the OP. So I found another job and left this place. My H and I went and talked to a pastor and even went to a marriage seminar. But somehow after all of this, after I was at the other job, the OP contacted me and convinced me to see him again. Our times together were strictly lunches only. We would meet at restaurants or get our lunch to go and go sit in a local park. That was it. We would sit in his car to eat our lunch and sometimes we would kiss during this time. There were a just a few times that after work we would meet in the same park for a little while before going home. It was after work one day that he talked me into coming to his work after everyone was gone and this was where the final act took place. After this happened I broke off with OP. I wanted to come home and get my life back to what it should be. I have NEVER done anything like this again. I knew it was NOT something I ever wanted to do again. I was so ashamed and so confused and did not even understand how I had ever allowed something like this to happen in the first place. It was so against what I believed in and so against my nature.

My husband would ask me questions about it over the years. Of course he thought all this time that it had been strictly an EA and that it had completely stopped when I left and went to work some place else. I would always clam up and not discuss it with him. Told him I did not want to talk about it.

It took a few months for the fog to clear for me. But the shame and pain I felt for what I had done was tremendous. Finally one evening when I was alone, I was praying. God met me and in my heart I knew that God had forgiven me. It was a like a great burden had been lifted off me. I was able to go on after that. This all happened during part of 1985 and 1986. But, I kept it hidden between just me and God and never told my H anything.

Finally earlier this year, April of 2005 to be exact, my H asked about it again. I felt that God was guiding me to tell him the truth. So I told him everything. So I guess you can say that we are about three months into recovery. After reading the posts on this board we both have realized that we are not crazy and that the things each of us have experienced are normal to this situation. These first few months have been really hard. However we both love each other very much. The prospect of living without each other is not even an option to either one of us. I love my H and have always loved him. I love him more today than the day that I married him.

I am thankful that he still loves me as well and does not want to live without me. He and I both want our marriage to flourish and be strong again. We both have gone through many emotions. For him, one of the hardest parts is that the A lasted for around a year. And it hurts him to know that he and our son was not enough for me. That I would take the risk of losing them to do what I did. Of course in my mind, I never did not love them. I somehow got caught up in something that even I did not understand. Understand that I know what I did was WRONG! I remember after I ended the A and came home so ashamed. I tried for several months to figure out WHY I did this horrible thing. I could not come up with any answers at the time. So I basically just buried it and chose to forget it. I had done that pretty well up until April of this year when I told my H. Now we have been trying to go back and figure out the WHY. Which of course is hard to do when it happened so long ago. I am having trouble remembering so many things. I feel that I have grown from the woman I was then and it is hard to remember exactly what my feelings and emotions were at the time. I am trying because I see how important it is for my H to understand WHY.

We have both read several posts from this sight that have helped us to understand some things I believe. There was an interesting thread of post on Predators which I believe my OP was. That helped us both I think. There have also been some interesting points of view where our childhood is concerned that I think had a lot to with what some of my actions were at the time. We both keep looking and talking and trying to figure out what happened.

This has all been very hard for me in that I have realized how much I have hurt my H. I have always loved him and knowing how much I have hurt him tears my heart out. I know that this all seems so brand new to him, but for me it was 19 years ago. There are questions he asks that I honestly do not remember and this seems to bother him greatly. According to most of these posts the more you talk and discuss things and answer all their questions, the better your chances for recovery are. I have told him everything I can remember. But what do you do when you just do not remember some things?

This seems to be where we are now. We have good days and bad days. I know he loves me and we are committed to staying together. I know that God is helping us to do this. But the bad days are hard and still come too often. I am ready for us to move on (which I understand is normal for the WS) and my husband still needs answers and is having trouble moving on (which I understand is normal for the BS).

Several people have recommended the book Torn Asunder which I may try and find. We are both Christians and I think this book comes a lot from that stand point. We have made the decision to not tell anyone else about this, hence why the need to post on this forum. Hopefully to get some good feed back that will help us, since there is no one specifically that we can talk to except each other.

Thanks to anyone that can offer some insight.

Live lighter without carrying this secret.

I am asking the WHY still to my H. WHy he felt the need to be curious again with his ex-wife.....and he cant ever tell me why either...he says he doent know why~ don't know if I quite believe that..but I just know in my heart theat you and your husband are going to be just fine! I can tell U love him very much! Good Luck!

gg:

I mainly lurk but sometimes participate when I can offer some perspective. I was on the other side of a similar situation. My W had an A after 8 1/2 years of M but 7 years prior to coming clean.

I can tell you that for me this has been devastating. The acts themselves are terrible, but the lies are so much worse (for me, anyway). I still struggle with this greatly 1 1/2 years after D-Day. You see, I still am dazed by the fact that 1/2 my married life was a complete lie. Your H may be dealing with similar feelings right now.

To my W (cruisegonebad), this happened long ago and she does not remember many details. I still want her to try to remember them because that is important to me (it's not important for everyone). To me, this is still fresh. I am triggered by many, many things. When I look at my kids, I remember that we adopted them during "the lie." When I think about job opportunities I remember that I was still in business school during the A and wonder what would have been different in my career had I known (would I have chosen different paths, etc.)? When I hear about the anniversary of some national/world/local event I instantly compare the timeframe as it relates to this part of my life. I don't choose to do this -- it is automatic. I have gotten better at not letting it get me down, but it is still hard.

You will need to continually understand whether the need for details remains important to your H and work hard on your memories accordingly. You will need to be understanding when the weight of it smacks him in the chest as sure as being hit in the chest by a charging bull.

Good luck to you both in this difficualt journey toward recovery.

Todd

Pepperband, Summersmom & Todd 1967,

Thanks for your welcomes and for the encouraging words. I too know that with God's help and grace we will be fine. I am not looking forward to the "rough ride" part though. It has been rough already and very draining at times. Although I will say that at other times it has been good in the fact that we have really grown a lot in the past three months. There are times when we feel closer than we have been in years. And our love for each other is so strong.

Then a day comes when things hit him hard. I guess you call these "trigger days". It is those days that I am having trouble with. It seems no matter what I say on those days it makes matters worse (which of course is NOT my intentions.) I am trying to help him. Trying to make things better. Trying to remind him how very much I Love him. But we end up fighting and I cry so hard and long that my head and eyes hurt. I wish I knew what to do with these days. They still come at least once a week and sometimes more. And you forget during these days, during these moments, that everything will be okay. After things are over and we are better he will tell me "No matter what, I'm not going anywhere". But when we are fighting you tend to not remember that so much and you get scared. Things are said when you are fighting that will make me think otherwise.

When I'm praying, my faith will kick in, and I remember that God is restoring our marriage and each other. I know that he is healing both our hearts. But remembering this during those bad moments sometimes is hard.

I have to run for now. Thanks to each of you for your thoughts and insight. As I mentioned earlier, we have only each other to talk about this with. We have viewed this site as a place to help us. Thanks again.

Godsgrace

GG, I am so glad that you did finally come clean. Todd hit an important aspect that needs to emphasized, because it explains why your case is so much different than the run-of-the-mill affair. It is the lies. See, instead of having to deal with just an affair, your H has to deal with systematic deceit that went on for 19 years. So, not only was he betrayed by an affair 19 years ago, this betrayal was greatly compounded by 19 years worth of deceit.

His life was not what it seemed for 19 years. It was stolen from him. All this time he thought it was one way, and now he finds out, after 20 years, that it was really another way. He found out that you had a secret with another man to which he was not privy. That is very hard to take. Now he has to go back over his life for the past 19 years and sort out the reality from the fantasy. Things that were not significant to him in the past will take on a different meaning altogether.

It is like the kaliedoscope of his life has shifted. And that is a huge shock.

Anyway, I do hope you understand how devastating this all is to him, and I hope others look at this and understand how terrible it is to withhold this kind of information from a betrayed spouse. People have a RIGHT to know the facts of their own lives and it is cruel and manipulative to not tell them.

Your H is probably looking at 2-3 years to recover from this, GG, so please be prepared to help him through this shock. This will not go away any time soon.

godsgrace,

No matter what happens to your marriage, please pray to God that he help your H conquer his resentment and bitterness for these two vile demons can take permanent residence in his heart even if the two of you choose to part ways. I know because when I was able to do so, moving on with my life became a reality. If I still had those two in my heart, I can most assuredly tell you that I would not have been able to meet and marry the most wonderful woman I have ever known who is now my wife [2nd W]. So please, include in your prayers to the Lord one for your dear H to help him conquer these two vile abominations.

TMCM

I too was on the other side of this situation. After 17 years of marriage I learned that my husband had lied to me about an affair that he had 10 years previously when I was pregnant with our third child. It was basically in my face - I knew that he was infatuated with this woman but when I did confront he denied there was any sex involved. When he finally did admit that there had been sexual contact, he initally said it only occured one time. About 8 months later he decided to move out, and a couple months later he finally admitted that he had lied about it being only one time. As Todd says, the worst part is the lies, and the feeling that 1/2 of your marriage was a lie, or built on a lie. We're still separated and headed toward divorce (but there have been other issues since). I figure that he thinks that he'll not feel as guilty if he's no longer with me.

GG, I too lied to my H for many years. He found out about my A nearly 10 years later. We are still dealing with his remembering moments in our M that are now tainted with this knowledge of my deceit. I can tell you though that life is much better not having this huge wall between us anymore. He didn't even know what that wall was. I took away his choices, his ability to decide what he wanted. How selfish I was. I will always regret not just the A, but the long term deceit. May God bless you both in this journey.

Have you two tried counselling, GG?

Faithful Follower,



I fully undertand your statement here. I too regret both. It's hard in many ways. It would have been so much better to have told him years ago and us have dealt with it then. I see that now. I didn't then. I thought my reasons were good for not telling him then. How wrong I was. Now we face something that I dealt with 19 years ago, but my H did not get that chance. He's now playing catch up. And it is hard for him. But he is trying. I know that with God's help we will get through this. It is not an easy journey though.

Thank you for your imput.

Godsgrace