If there are no children involved, and BOTH people have not healed from the marriage.......is it better to have NC witht he ex?

ExH and I have not spoken in probably almost a month. Before that, it was usually about legal things - and few and far between.

But he just e-mailed me b/c someone mentioned (to a mutual friend) that I had told them exH had been messing around with his FOW. I had not said that, and indicated that to him. I also made a comment about how this had been hard enough for both of us (that I wished people would let dead dogs lie)....and then I said "at least I know it has been for me."

I honestly did not mean that as a 'potshot', but more as it would be presumptive to say he had a difficult time..... b/c I honestly don't know how difficult it was for him. He shot back an e-mail saying he didn't know if I was taking a 'jab' and then goes into explaining how just because he has a new girlfriend, etc that it doesn't mean he hasn't/doesn't hurt.

I honestly never felt that way. I felt that we both hurt, and thought that our relationship had actually improved since our separation.

But hearing him 'assume' that I was taking a potshot ressurected 'feelings' again. Frustration with him assuming my emotions or intent. I have a very difficult time with that because to me, it's a DJ - and it was present ALL throughout our M. Now I feel like I took 3 steps backwards. And I'm feeling sad.

Is NC (if possible) better for ending a M? For a while, I thought we could be respectful toward each other, amicable, and possibly even 'cordial.' I didn't expect to be friends, but at least not back to where we try to interpret what the other person is thinking....especially in a negative way.

Wishing it had been different today.

You know, I don't really think there is a right answer to this one.

I've been seeing someone who does talk to his X from time to time - she's happily married to someone else with kid(s?). He says that they were actually both relieved to get divorced, and that there were no hard feelings.

Mine couldn't have been more opposite than that. At one point during it he had told me that he really saw us as being good friends, just not married. Of course, this was fog talk - he had been cheating on me for some time. I informed him that I would never be friends with someone who had treated me the way he has. Let's face it - he cheated on me, he lied (a lot, and about almost everything), he insulted me, and he was emotionally abusive (including the fact that several times he seriously tried to make me think I was going crazy.) So, I would want to be friends with someone like this.... why? I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I was always faithful, I did truly love him, and I always tried to make our marriage work.

Add to it some of the things he pulled during the divorce, plus OW got involved in it too (yeah, like I'm going to be real understanding and cooperative with the woman he cheated on me telling me I need to just give him what he wants because she was sick and tired of me being such a @#$#$% to him, and that she knows how @#$%y I treated him all those years!) And her involvment was either at his urging or, at the very least, something of which he approved.

Basically, I was VERY glad we didn't have any kids, not only because I wouldn't have wanted to put kids through it, but because it meant I DON'T have to deal with him anymore. And I can still say that even though I would like to have kids, and he left me right at the time where it's getting to be "now or never" for me, and left me for a younger woman who already has a daughter and who he has already gotten pregnant twice (she lost the first one, and that one was well before we were divorced.)

So, if you want to have contact, and can handle it, fine. But from what you wrote above, I would say that no contact would probably be better for you. Look at it this way - his e-mail served absolutely no purpose. I mean, why call you about it? It's obvious he was never going to believe you if you said you hadn't said it. And if you had, would him calling have really prevented you from doing it again? No purpose. And it did set you back.

If everything is settled, and you have no reason to be in contact with him, then why do it if it's only going to bring back the pain you are now trying to get past? I wouldn't read or respond to his e-mails. If he still has your phone numbers, I would consider changing them, or at the very least use caller id and voice mail to screen them. Change your e-mail address, or at least block his.

I mean, why bother dignifying that kind of stuff with any response? It's not like you have to worry about him being mad or upset with you or anything. That's what that divorce decree means - he's not your worry anymore.

LIT:

Good question. If you did a Plan-B then theoretically you would still be in Plan-B so there is no reason to be in touch unless you desire to for social reasons. I have DD's involved so contact is necessary, but if DD's were not involved - I would have no reason or desire to be in touch. It's really up to you.

FR

We have no kids, and the only contact during and after the divorce we had was for legal/financial stuff to work through. Now that all that is resolved, we don't communicate at all. And it's better that way, and I'm VERY happy with it. It took us a LONG time to resolve everything, and communication was not always polite. It was mostly over e-mail, which is good documentation, and things would get too upsetting over the phone.

I don't get it when ex's are friends. I definitely don't see us ever being that way. Polite, yes, if we ever cross paths.