I've tried to stay positive and move on and make myself better, and it's probably just because I know for sure my wife's affair is continuing, and before I was just speculating. Or maybe it's because his mom is telling me he's still coming down here, or maybe it's because even with sleeping pills I can't sleep, and maybe it's because I got injured at work yet again.

Whatever it is, it hit me hard again this morning. Out of the blue I just found a corner where I was working and just sobbed. I called my wife and asked her why? Why are you doing this? Why couldn't you just have waited? Why does she have to make it so obvious that she plans on moving in with him?

Why do I have to suffer because of somebody else? Why when I'm the faithful one full of love do I have to be the one that gets the shaft? Just because I was born a man? Why is it that women in Florida get everything even when they're the ones that are doing wrong? Why don't men have any rights? Why are we the bad guys?

All I want to do is love my wife and protect my family and watch my children grow up big and strong under my roof, not some guy that just wants my wife.

I just don't get it.

I know you are all gonna say pull it together. Make myself feel better and move on. Hell, my couselor even asked my why in the hell I would still love her after all this. My answer. My love for my wife when I married her was to be unconditional until one of us died. I have never waivered on my vow to be committed and loving forever. The other answer, I want my children to grow up right, in a real family, in normal surroundings. They did not do anything wrong either, and now they will have to suffer as well.

The selfishness involved in this is beyond my grasp. I have so much love to give and the person that I want to give it to can't even tell me the truth anymore.

I am so sorry for you pain. You have all of this love and kindness that you gave to the wrong person. Imagine in the future when you are able to give all of this love and kindness to the right person. You were a whole person before you met her and will be a whole person afterwards. Your good live is right around the corner.

Isn't that the scary part though? I thought I was giving it all to the right person. I had amagined being old with her. What worse is our aniversary is just right around the corner. That's gonna be a bad day.

Navyman -

While it is true the WS is very selfish beyond belief, they usually change back to the person they used to be. The statistics are on your side.

After awhile you will start feeling better about everything. I know that is not much help right now, but it is true.

Perhaps, but is that before or after the damage is done. I keep getting mental pictures of them together. Another man with the woman I care for so deeply and I get physically sick. The past two days I've actually been vomiting.

I thought I had kicked depressions [censored], and here it is nipping at my heels again. I've always been a strong man and a fighter. I never give up until I'm made to give up, but the depressions got a head lock on me and I'm turning blue.

I have to wait untill Aug 3rd(a day before my anyversary) to even see a doctor whole can prescribe me anything. If I don't get something to help out before my aniversary, I can't amagine what I'll be like. I'm going to have to take that day off and suround myself with friends or I'll be in bad shape.

navyman....i am so sorry this happened to you.

like you, i love my husband unconditionally. I too imagine them together, not just having sex but having fun....and can't take it.

too bad someone like you didn't end up with someone like me.

but it's not over yet for either of us!!!

now...i'm confused as to why she would get your children (i'm assuming that is what you mean by everything) since she committed adultry. This can affect custody. have you talked to a lawyer?

ps.i sent you a response e-mail

Navy,

The feelings you have are normal. I went through the exact same thing. I lost 25 pounds in 2 months. You have only been in it for 1 month.

The only thing I can say is that she will start to see what she has done and feel guilt. I promise that. I can't say what she will do next. I can also say it will start to get better but you will have to give it time. There will be stepping stones that you will go through. It took me 2 months to get any form of sanity back. It took me 4 months to get fully in control to where I would not lash out in anger. This happens to be the worst thing you can do.

The one thing that you will need now is patience and that is the one thing most difficult to find. If someone told you your wife will come back to you and feel true remorse would you believe them? What if they told you exactly what you need to do would you do it?

Your case is so incredibly similar to mine it is scary. You have to detach yourself from your wifes actions. I know it is hard but you have to for your child or children. This is where I found my strength. I focused on them and realized I am now the sole responsible parent. They will need you now more than ever. Focus on them because you will be their hero.

If you are a mathmatician like me you will also note that only 3% of affairs like this produce a happy marriage for the wayward spouses. But it is going to be a rough road. You must understand this.

P.S. You need to read Surviving an Affair. You must prepare yourself for the fact that it might get worse before it gets better. If you love her you must understand that this is not the person you married but someday she may come back.

Navy ~ Depression is caused by supressed anger. A punching bag or some regular excercise can help release suppressed anger and relieve the symptoms of depression.

NRM,
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this gut-wrenching experience. I remember the nausea...and wishing I could vomit. I remember my sense of powerlessness as someone I loved deeply chose to be with an OW...who was 7 months pregnant with my xWS's child when I confirmed the affair.

I'm sorry that your counselor couldn't have been more supportive of you so early in your discovery phase. I really do think that others who haven't been through this type of experience can rarely understand why we want to be with our WSs. Heck.....I have even wondered that many times! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm really concerned that you're unable to see a doctor for possible medication until Aug 3. Anti-depressants typically take 4 to 6 weeks to fully work. Some relief might be experienced in the first week or two, but certainly not before your anniversary! Can your counselor do anything to advocate for the urgency in getting you in to see the doctor?

When we are under such extreme stress and not sleeping or eating right, our body and brain chemistry can change. ADs can assist in correcting that imbalance. Physical exercise can help (release endorphins, serotonin)but I know I just couldn't get myself up and out to exercise. It was all I could do to get through the day at work...and barely did that some days.

I think that your idea of taking your anniversary day off and surrounding yourself with friends sounds like a good plan. You are experiencing such a loss right now...with all its grief. You deserve and need the support of those who love and care about you. They can never take the place of your spouse, but often our family and friends are eager to do something for us to help ease the pain.

Take good care of yourself...

my regular doctor-not a psychiatrist-prescribes my medication. Is that whoyou are seeing? they can usually get you an appointment faster.

Yea, I don't have a doctor, I'm never sick, I mean never. That's why I am so pissed that I have been sick for three days and I got hurt a work twice in a week. This time I had to go to the hospital/clinic. I don't ever get hurt either. I've always been VERY athletic and I guesses that kept me strong. So I never had a doctor. So I had to find a doctor and then get in.

I just found out today that my wife signed a contract and is moving into a 2 bedroom trailor and a trailor park. She's leaving a brand new house with a garage and nice sized yard to go live in a trailor. Yea, that's the way to go.

So ya know, what can I do... I guess I move on huh? She wants to be able to be with him that bad, I guess I can't stop her right?

Time for me to get better and start enjoying life. I think I'm gonna start racing again, I always loved that and did that quite a bit before I met her.

So as for my story, I guess saving the marriage is on hold, maybe permanently. All I wanted was to uphold my wedding vows and be faithful and love my wife for the rest of my life, guess she has other plans for those vows(like a fire starter, or toilet paper maybe) As for me I will always remain faithful and unfortunately love her for the rest of my wife, and she'll be out having sex with her lover untill he's done with her, or maybe she's done with him.

Who knows, lifes great and the suns shining and I live near the beach, what more could you want?

You are always way too quick to throw in the towel, navyman. If she moves into a trailer, that just means the affair will be over much faster. She will quickly tire of getting crumbs frm someone else's husband. She will be a second class consort as she will quickly see the OM won't leave his W for the likes of her. They never do; they are just interested in a low cost easy lay.

Don't let her take your child or any furniture. This is far from over, so stay on the battle field.

Stop lovebusting. If she wants to move into a trailer, tell her that you are sorry to see her go, but won't try to stop her. Wish her the best. She won't be able to take the children, though, or any furniture. Plan A, plan A, plan A.

Not quite throwing in the towel. I still want to work on the marriage. I've never thrown in the towel, I'm not quitting. I just letting her move on. I am sorry to see her go, and I probably had a love buster or two today telling her what I expected when she left, but like somebody else mentioned, I can't be a doormat.

I want to be her husband, nothing more. I could be a friend if she'd tell me the truth, I could be a lover if she'd even let me hug her, I could be her care taker if she'dlet me take care of her, but she wants nothing to do with me. I have no way to show her that I love her beside doing things around the house and taking care of the kids. She won't talk to me anymore, hence she won't listen to me.

What's really hard is that she became so involved with this guy so fast that I never got to make love to her again, I never got to give her a kiss again, and I never got a lovers hug(a non sympathy hug) from her again, I was just cut off. So that's particularly hard as well.

You are taking her words and actions way too seriously and making decisions based on them. Would you make decisions about your marriage based on the words and actions of a falling down drunk? Or would you wait until drunk sobered up? Because what you are doing is hanging on every utterance of a falling down stinking drunk.

See, right now your wife in the throes of an addictive affair and is not in her right mind. She is confused and will change her mind frm day to day. Her affair will eventually fizzle out and when that happens, she will withdraw and her sanity will come back.

That is why you need to ride this out and quit throwing in the towel every other day in reaction to her mood de jour. Just stand your ground and let her go crazy for awhile. There is very little you can do except try and make the affair as unpleasant as possible, avoid lovebusters and DO NOT allow her to take your kids from her home. And do not accommodate her affair in any way.

Stop lovebusting, navyman. That doesn't mean that you act like a doormat or a wimp, either.

Navy,

Hugs to you. I understand completely how you feel. I sense the desperation in your posts and am sorry you are having to go through this. But please, listen to the advice you are receiving here from the veterans as they do know what they are talking about.

I am working hard on Plan A myself. Plan A is hard and it sucks at times, but it is SO important. Show WS that you are a strong man, the leader of your family. Plan things with the kids and invite WS to come along. IF she doesn't, then fine. You and the kids have fun together.

Blessings,

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

Navy Man:

I told you in another thread that your wife probably feels she has invented LOVE and that all of you (and us) are wrong. ONLY she and OM know what the real deal is. Obviously this is the way loony people behave. You cannot make sense out of her. As many have said----------------- her relationship with OM will die after it is conducted in daylight with all the harshness of reality. The chance that her relationship with OM will fail is 97%. The odds are with you.

As I told you--------- do not be a door mat by acting so needy. Get on the phone and ask OM to pick your wife up. Graciously tell your wife without Love Busting that you cannot deal with her anymore even though you love her. Be nice and caring, but do not beg or show any sentimental emotion. In a macabre way I think it is better for her to simply leave the house. This will give you time to realize there is a life for you out there and that your existence is not dependent on her.

At this point your wife is doing everything to precipitate the end of the affair. Moving out on her own and to try to depend on the crumbs from OM will be harsh. When she crashes you will have the option to take her back on your terms. Who knows?------------------ you may even find out you don’t want her anymore if you withdraw from her. I see this as an opportunity------- not a failure. At the end you will be in the driver’s seat.

How do I keep her from taking stuff without lovebusting.

You are right about one thing though, I do hang on every word. Every little glimpse of light that I see I try to take advantage of. I just want our marruage to work so bad. I know there's no way she could even think about that right now, but I just keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and my wife will be holding me and tell me she's so sorry and she's ready to get us back together. I know it's unreasonable, but that's what I dream about.

She just has no idea how much I love her.

ok, a lovebuster is:

1. disrespectful judgement
2. angry outburst
3. selfish demand
4. Annoying Habits
5. dishonesty

How would telling her that qualify as a lovebuster?