Just needed to vent a little. H and I are doing just fine. No one has said too much lately about his affair. I did make one comment the other day when someone was on tv talking about being pregnant by their boyfriend twice and he said "They should have used protection" and I just couldn't help myself but I said "Well you are one to talk". That shut him up quickly.<P>But anyways, here is my problem. Things are going so great, it's like he has gotten away with doing this to us and I am the only one suffering. It still hurts me, not as bad, but it does hurt. Shortly after I found out, he would bring me a rose or something nice home ever so often, now I feel again like I am being taken advantage of. I still have so many questions and still hurt because he got to go out and be single and enjoy a fun time and I am still the old lady here at home and there is no romance or anything to look forward to. I want to feel special like he did when he was excited to see her and I want to know that someone is anxious to see me. I should be happy because there is no longer any contact with her and she has not called him lately, but I am just feeling down right now. Like I've been dumped upon and he has gotten off scott free and there is no punishment for him. Any ideas?? I appreciate your imput.

Hey DC-<P>I don't know you but is there any way you can mention any of this to your H? I totally understand your reasoning. I am afraid if I don't mention it then it will disappear and he will forget-but I know I won't ever forget. I too have made some nasty comments to H when things come up that can be realted to his affair. But I never feel good after I do it and when I think about the situation being in reverse I know I wouldn't be a bit patient if H was tossing those words at me. I hope you can tell your H how you feel and what your needs are. If he doesn't want to work at the marriage I am not sure what to tell you. But there are ways you can make yourself have better days too. Do the things that make you happy and stop trying to always make others happy. You have to come first cause if you don't love yourself no one else can love you...............I hope I make sense here.<P>take care and good luck <P>*heartache*

Have you done any marriage counseling (I HIGHLY recommend Steve Harley 1-888-639-1639)or did you just get back together & that was it? Things aren’t magically gonna get better. You both need to understand what the other’s needs are & do something about it. That is the major problem with getting back together. People expect everything to just get better. They got bad in the first place because of ignorance. You can’t go back the way it was, ‘cause you’ll end up in the same boat a few years from now.<P>Get His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

dc,<BR>Know the problem. Let me just say this. You have to remind them how you are feeling. Not bring up what he did, but really tell him how you are hurting and longing to have more attention from him to help you get over it. If you don't, they think they are doing JUST FINE. My H would say, when I talked to him about this, "I KNOW I AM A BAD PERSON" I'd tell him, I'm not saying that, I just thought I'd tell you how this is working on me, and if you want me to continue to work on our marriage, you have to give me something to keep me going. Every time I say I need a hug, that means I'm having a bad moment, I won't talk about it, just give me a hug. I asked him for so many hugs, that he knew I was hurting bad, they got less because he felt the pain I was going through without even talking. I even asked for them over the phone once in a while. He even started giving me hugs without asking for them. You can't just go along and hope they will give you what you need, they don't think, that is what got them into this mess to start with! Even after 19mo. into recovery, just the other night, I had a talk again with him. I'm going to keep it up till I am completely satisfied, and when I am happy, he is happy, I compliment him, tell him he is why this is working, he gets pumped. (?) It's not that they don't want to try, they feel like every thing they do, even if it is good, admits to what they did and they want to totally forget, pretend it never happened, that's how they deal with it. Time, will help you get through this, but you have to keep the spark there, make it worth the work.<BR>Almost <P>----------<BR>TIME <p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited September 26, 1999).]

dc, I understand and feel as if (after almost one year) My H and I are in the same place you are.<BR>everyone here, makes perfect sense with their posts. But it just doesn't seem to work for us.<BR>We (me & H) have put it behind us, or at least we don't discuss. Actually, he won't discuss, and if I ask for a hug, or tell him I'm a little down, he gets so defensive.....I feel as if I have to walk around with this goofy (& fake) smile, to keep him okay.<BR>This coming weekend we leave for our annual anniversary week long trip, and I dread having to act happy every waking moment!<BR>I feel as if, I'm a fraud, smiling and always pretending to be so "up". That's not so say I'm always "down", I'm not, but when I am, I have to cover it up.....<BR>Anyway, i still feel it's important to make this work, no matter what.

I will start a thread on grief sometime in the next few days as part of the Forgiveness Workbook threads. You might find this helpful because we need to grieve our losses in order to recover. It seems a little strange when no one has died. But we have suffered loss.<P>My other suggestion is reading inspiring books and working on your own life. It will help you focus on you and what you can do and anytime there are changes in one person, it follows that the relationship changes too. Maybe you are a little stuck...recovered but not fully healed.<P>You are putting way to much pressure on yourself saying you should be happy. You should be committed to living your life and your marriage to its fullest...that's a journey and just because you aren't feeling "happy" yet doesn't mean you aren't progressing on your journey.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I understand exactly where you are coming from. We did not go through counseling. We are almost 4 months after discovery of H's affair. We do not discuss it anymore. I brought it up last week and told him that I was hurting and I felt like if I kept all of it bottled up inside without discussing it with him, it would eventually build walls between us. He understood and we talked about how we were both feeling. I really get bothered sometimes that he is getting off too easily. I still have some of that anger inside that wants him to hurt as badly as I have. Try to be open about your feelings. I assumed my H never thought about the affair anymore, but he thinks of it daily, as I still do. It doesn't hurt quite as much as before, but it is still there. And he has his daily reminder of how much he hurt me even though we don't discuss it every day.