Okay -

Yesterday, as I noted before - my wife finally sent me over the edge emotionally; so much so that I have lost any intimate connection I ever felt with her; she took every memory we ever had and ruined them for me - for lack of better words, I have never been this close to truly HATING something before in my life.

Well, yesterday I let out all of my feelings on the phone, how badly she had hurt me this last month, and how I had done nothing but been faithful to her and all she had done in return was spit in my face; I let her know how badly she had betrayed me and ended up so emotional that I hung up on her - I never cried a tear; it was all anger.

Well, yesterday - my W emailed me literally 10 seconds after I hung up on her, the whole email was about "I understand ho w you're pissed at me; and she wanted me to contact her." That e-mail was indifferent, but this morning - I got anothe r e-mail from her. I have no desire to ever contact this woman again; she can file for divorce and I'll sign - I don't care what she takes; its gotten to the point where I don't want anything other than her out of my life. I have felt so good without her around, my blood pressure has stabalized, and I feel like a man again - not some blubbering fool who has been reduced to tears and hates who he is because he gets told daily about how bad he is. I never want to see this woman again in my life.

What is the deal with her e-mail? Read this. This girl is confusing as hell. Normally she would just yell at me; but now she's almost begging for me to talk to her - and although she says its because of the papers; I know that's not it. This is the same reason she sounded terrified when she asked me if I could still be her friend or not.

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Aaron~ I can tell that you are pissed off at me, and rightfully so, but yesterday on the phone really upset me because I just wanted to talk and I didn't want us getting mad at each other like that. Now, you can't just shut me out because there is a lot that we need to talk about. I don't know if you are at the Irizarry's or not, but you should at least let me know where you are so I can try to get a hold of you. I know my mom tried calling there for me (we have no long distance), and whoever answered said you hadn't been there for days and had no way to reach you. Regardless of what you think, I am concerned. I know you have access to a computer or at least a phone, so can you please call me or something? I will be here until 9am this morning and then I have work. I don't know what time I will be home tonight. If I am not home if and when you call, can you at least leave me a message with a phone number that I can reach you at so that we can talk? If you want to talk about the paperwork, I can come down next Thursday after I have lunch with my dad, ok? Please, you can never talk to me again after all of this, but as of right now we are still married and you can't tune me out yet. Please don't do this.....

Anyway, I have to go. I am pretty sure you won't respond anyway.

~Shannon

It sounds like trouble between her and the OM. Do not give in on your gameplan or your boundaries.

Someone once told me that the opposite of love is NOT hate, but apathy. If you feel hate then you are still feeling something. In my experience I have found this to be true.

If you need to withdraw from her to "regroup" then do so. Don't get sucked into the drama. That is what your WW wants. You have to change yourself, ok. You can't change her or save her. Learn to be a better person, grow from this, learn from this, recognize you are a good person and worth being with. If your WW has a change of heart and grows up a bit she may recognize this...or she may not. Either way, you become a better person. You become stronger.

bang on bobsmiley

Fox - don't reply - she wants a divorce - your life is none of her business - her concern for you is not of her concern as she wants a life seperate from you.

Ignore her attempts - only contact her through the lawyer. Stick to the plan.

You did this last week and the week before...got to the point where you could let go and she gets mad, then she sends an I, sorry email - you get sucked in and they cycle continues.

BREAK the cycle buddy - for your own well being!

Stay dark, dark, dark, and don't be drawn like a moth to the flame.

Give your attorney your list of boundaries that she must agree to before there will be ANY communication with her...ie, ending the A, No Contact, whatever else you want.

Stay OUT of the drama!

SD

According to her there has been NC with the OM for weeks..

She says there was no A - although obviously I doubt she would confess anyhow. I don't want to lay out boundaries for something that I don't even know to be true.

It doesnt matter what you say - and you aren't laying out boundaries - you are going DARK - no contact with HER besides through the lawyer.

I read this book that talked about when someone is pulled out, pushed out or put out of the marriage - it talks about the same Plan B that marriage builders enforces.

What Plan B does for you, it also effects her. She has a comfort zone...she can do as she pleases and little fox is there to put up with it and listen to her and be her confident and reassure her. The drama shows you still will hang on to her, put up with her, etc. When you go dark and cut that off - you force her to deal with the REALITY of her situation - that you will NOT wait around for her. You cut off that comfort zone that the drama is creating for her.

NO CONTACT with her - or you won't get anywhere - with or without her.

Alright bomb -

So, I am in Plan B now?

I would say you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But as Dewt said - you can still PLan A - but you aren't even doing that - Plan A isn't beening all emotional to her, plan A isn't demanding things or getting upset with her. Plan A is being the dream man. And in plan A you have to put up with alot of crap yes. I think though given your inability to control your emotions around her - Plan B might be your best choice.......but that's just MHO

Foxor..

I read your post yesterday...and thought pretty much...been there done that as most of us have in our marriages.....and part of that process comes from just the fact of your young age...

ALL of this is DRAMA...

even your knee-jerk reaction of this being done....
made me shake my head and say....

darlin this aint' over by a long shot...
the fat lady hasn't even entered the building let alone opened her mouth to sing a note...

BUT..
this can and should be the place where the rubber meets the road.....

your ages give you limited life experiences to really see some of this as drama....
it's not your fault
and I am NOT saying you are too young
OR
that you are so young that you can write this off and start over...

even your mention in the post of finding someone new ...
made me shudder because unless you identify the patterns of drama and communication that you participate in that make these type of yo-yoing and everything else occur...you will just find yourself in the same spot again and again...

the good news is that you are young...and you can develope here and now the boundaries that keep you from repeating these patterns..

yesterday was NOT an ephinany that you are done..
yesterday was an understandable emotional back lash to hurt your wife and get attention...

the good the bad the ugly..
but in reality you responded exactly where she was pushing you to respond..
and exactly how she feels comfortable for you and her to interact...

this is heading quickly for a powerstruggle...

this is the begining of back and forth miscommunication if you let it...because you are just beginging to learn to communicate...
if you choose to..which is your choice...you can control your communication with her...

you can't be in plan B unless you have written a plan B letter...
you
SHOULDN"T be in plan B unless you have done a good three month plan A....

my opinion is you fell off the plan A wagon..
every one does it
every one has done it....

most retreat...
lick their wounds for a few days..
and get back on....

might be something to consider...

take a long hard look at your participation in drama and miscommunication and see what power you do have in controling you....

you hold in your hand the power to truly stand as a MAN and identify the boundaries in your life...
and there ain't nothing and I do mean NOTHING more attractive than a MAN that acts like a noble, honorable MAN to a woman....

ARK^^

Aaron~ I can tell that you are pissed off at me, and rightfully so, but yesterday on the phone really upset me because I just wanted to talk and I didn't want us getting mad at each other like that. Now, you can't just shut me out because there is a lot that we need to talk about. I don't know if you are at the Irizarry's or not, but you should at least let me know where you are so I can try to get a hold of you. I know my mom tried calling there for me (we have no long distance), and whoever answered said you hadn't been there for days and had no way to reach you. Regardless of what you think, I am concerned. I
know you have access to a computer or at least a phone, so can you please call me or something? I will be here until 9am this morning and then I have work. I don't know what time I will be home tonight. If I am not home if and when you call, can you at least leave me a message with a phone number that I can reach you at so that we can talk? If you want to talk about the paperwork, I can come down next Thursday after I have lunch with my dad, ok? Please, you can never talk to me again after all of this, but as of right now we are still married and you can't tune me out yet. Please don't do this.....<insert> TO ME

Read that again Fox...and take a good look.


So...what do you think she is talking about...

Three guesses...and the first two don't count.

committed

Listen to Ark - that was one WELL written post!!! WTG ARK!

Sorry I jumped right to Plan B - I just see Fox getting drawn in so much...I wondered if he was strong enough to keep going with Plan A...but I also don't participate in these threads much...so reading what Ark has said - I have to say I stand corrected - it was a well written post.

Ark -

I am not going to Plan A - I'm not strong enough to do it emotionally and all it does it cause problems.

I'm sick of being ripped on everytime I put time out for her. I called her out of good heart and she spent the whole time taking shots at me.

I don't want any Plan other than to be out of this. My W is too selfish and stubborn to think of anyone other than herself at this point - read her e-mail - Committed was right; I'm assuming you are pointing out how this is all about her Committed? Or am I off base?

I spent the last month and a half doing nothing but trying to be there for her and she took advantage of me and the situation; its not going to happen anymore; I'm sick of it. I'm not out to hurt my wife; my goal was to KNOW that she KNOWS she is hurting me doing this crap - and now she does. Maybe now she can learn from this.

My W is too selfish and stubborn to think of anyone other than herself at this point - read her e-mail - Committed was right; I'm assuming you are pointing out how this is all about her Committed? Or am I off base?

Give that boy a GOLD STAR~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

committed

dorry and Ark

i like your explainations of plan A.

would you be willing to read my post and give advice?

Fox, Ark Said:
you hold in your hand the power to truly stand as a MAN and identify the boundaries in your life...
and there ain't nothing and I do mean NOTHING more attractive than a MAN that acts like a noble, honorable MAN to a woman....


I can only add to Arks great post the fact that behaving with strength and nobility in adverse circumstances makes you proud, and indicates a great outcome.

Self respect is a man's next greatest blessing to his salvation IMO.

Calm yourself.
Stand erect.
Give yourself space and time in which to act and think.

Such will serve you well now and all your life Fox.
I know I learned this through Squids affair.

All blessings

foxor...

it is your choice....

plan A is hard...very very very hard...which is exactly why I always say go in to plan A with a time limit set in your head when you will go to plan B,....it gives the plan Aer the power to know that even if they are feeling like the whole weight of the WS is on their shoulder...it is a temporary burdon one way or the other...

I'm sick of being ripped on everytime I put time out for her. I called her out of good heart and she spent the whole time taking shots at me.

you need boundaries...plan Aers may stick around for a shot or two...but then you get yourself out of there.....
not a whole mess of them...

I spent the last month and a half doing nothing but trying to be there for her and she took advantage of me and the situation;

no one is taken advantage of without their own consent given....

plan A is ALL about doing with NO expectations at all...
it seems from this post you wanted positve somethings from her...

ofcourse her email is selfish..
ofcourse it all about her..
it's DRAMA

but also know that part of email may be a good indication that your plan a might have had some effect

I don't blame you for being in pain nor showing her your pain..

ark