Ok, you're probably like WHAT?! Let me explain as I have heard of it happening before and of it being successful.... I am now separated and my H's OW is now divorced from her H. Her H and I have always "known" eachother, but got really close recently due to obviously a common bond with our spouses cheating with eachother..... We talked for a long time then all of a sudden were like flirting incessantly for a few days then boom! we had sf.... ok, so it has been 2 years for me since any and I don't know how long for him. We thought we'd have a little innocent fun and were just so connected. But afterwards were like WO! too much too soon , totally not ready for this. I got kinda attached for a few days because that is such a personal thing for me ya know. I make love, not have sf. I mean we share a deep bond and friendship and that is how it happened. So after a few days of me feeling kinda clingy and him backing right off I told him I would have no more contact, that neither one of us is ready for a relationship and that we must both heal and move on. I said I'd keep an eye out for a nice girl for him and he keep an eye out for a nice guy for me. Or, in the future, when both of our heads are on straight maybe we could start over the right way by hanging out or dating...

So that is where it stands right now. We have not contacted eachother, a wave or nod hello in passing (is a very small town and he is on PD.) And see what happens in the future. We are both looking for the same things in a relationship just not sure right now with whom or when. Much too soon to tell.

Has this happened to anyone here? I know of some cases where this has happened and 2 BS actually married and were very happy together. It seems kinda wierd I know..... May end up turning into nothing, may have just been a friendship bonding thing for the moment, who knows. We did use protection, although I am not on any since my H had a vascectomy, but used condoms. happened twice. Please don't tell me you know of anyone getting pregnant using condoms! that would not be in the cards right now! ahhh! mlhb

what does seperated mean exactly?

ark

This is a really scary post.
Separated? Ummm then you are STILL MARRIED correct?
So much for the concepts here huh?

I have a friend who was in this situation. They ended up getting married a few years later. They have been married now for 14 years and have two adorable children. As for their XWS's?? Well, they didn't stick together too long. My friend says that those two XWS meeting turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her and her hubby <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Our marriage is 150% over with no chances. Have not done divorce because neither one of us can afford it and legal aide is not taking on any new cases right now. The only thing I could afford was a legal separation in which case I can or he can go ahead and be in another relationship just not remarry. mlhb

mlhb....i am 100% certain you are incorrect

i researched and asked my lawyer....no legal document (including a seperation agreement) can give a person permission to break the law...adultry is against the law.

my meeting with my lawyer was yesterday....he confirmed this and said...your husband has no ground to file before two years-don't give him any by thinking this agreement means you can have sex with others-you are still legally married.

Having said that....if you have divided all assets, have no children, don't pay alimony and don't care if your spouse files for divorce on grounds of adultry.....go ahead

but....(a friend of mine just had this happen) after they had their separation agreement for over two years-she filed for divorce on the grounds of adultry and desertion as he had cheated before he left. She on the other hand thought she was free and clear after signing the seperation agreement and admitted/bragged to his sister that she had sex with a few guys (and named them). her husband counterclaimed on ADULTRY and asked that their agreement be revised

even with an agreement.....it could affect custody, child support and alimony

I appreciate your input Eav. In my state if you do not have grounds to file for divorce you must be separated only 1 year before it automatically goes to divorce. You sign the documents, live separate and apart for one year and it's divorce. I have grounds to file as my H is listed as the reason for the OW's divorce under Cruel and Unusual treatment due to numerous sexual encounters between my H and OW. Signed by OW and her H. During our entire marriage I never cheated once. In fact the whole time my H was cheating I went without SF for 2 years because I wasn't going to go out and cheat to get it. My H and I separated and he moved out. I also have him on sexual abandonment for sleeping on the couch for 2 plus years and not having sex with me. I just cannot afford to do divorce right now. I am not saying what I did was right, it is something that happened between 2 people who are bonded due to circumstances and who were both no longer with their spouses. It was a moment we got caught up in. I aplogize profusely if my post offends anyone. I have been in everyone's shoes who is fighting for their marriages. Mine is done, after taking all the steps, it is still done. I accept that. I guess I was kind of directing this question more towards those whose marriages didn't work out and were separated/divorced, or just curious if anyone knew anyone this had happened to. My husband and I, neither one are willing to work on the marriage anymore. We have no problem being separated or divorced. I do not care who my husband is with at this point. I expect he may move on and start dating and have sf. He did when we were married what would stop him now?! And he feels the same for me. He could care less who I am with or if I start a new relationship. That is just where we are at. I understand not everyone is in the same boat. I was just throwing the question out there. Thanks again though for your input. mlhb

i wasn't offended...really

just wanted to make sure you knew the law and understood the possible outcomes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i wish my dumba** husband did not have the money to file for divorce but when the time comes,i'm sure he will!!

but i have to say...i thought once you had a separation agreement-which is really all of the divorce paperwork-the actual divorce filing is just a few hundred dollars.

Is this the case in your state? if so, do you really not have the money or really not want the divorce?

I guess it depends on the lawyer. My attorney charges 1200.00 to do a non contested divorce. 2400 if it is contested. I do not know about legal aid, I think they are free but maybe for filing costs. I am going to call legal aide again in a bit and see if there case load is down yet. You just have to keep checking. No, I absolutely want the divorce. My H does too but just won't pay for one. He would have separated with no legal documents whatsoever, he would have just had us agree to what we would do and he woulda moved out. I like documentation to cover myself. mlhb

i get it...a legal separation is like a limited divorce here-it assigns use of assets and responsibilities for bills

you still need to file for an absolute divorce and do all of the final separation of assets

i misunderstood-i thought you had a separation agreement-that means you have already divided your assets all that you have to do when you later file for divorce is pay a filing fee of about 100%

but....still can't commit adultry with a legal seperation:)

My best friend's husband had an affair. She found out about it from the OW's husband. The OW's husband and my friend talked on the phone and then decided to meet in person. Both eventually divorced their WSs. They decided to live together. Have been doing so for 7 or 8 years. Never married each other.

The more time my friend spent with this man, the more she decided that the OW was not the total source of problems within that marriage! Initially the BS of the OW was quite attentive to my friend....told her how he would give her the kind of love and support she deserved.... In reality this guy started doing less and less, basically becoming a couch potato, content to stay at home and drink beer all evening after coming home from work. Never wants to do anything, go anywhere, etc. Doesn't even cover half the bills while living in my friend's home.

Relationships! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate everyone's responses. They have been interesting and informative. Eve, we have divided assets. Husband left and gave me everything except for his car, truck, and motorcycle which I do not want anyway. Pretty much just walked away from the marriage with nothing and he doesn't care. OW left her H with everything too. She took her car and clothes and some personal effects and that is it. She just walked away too and he got house, etc. As far as this going anywhere in the future who knows. I am in no way ready for a relationship and either is he. I will say I have known the family for almost as long as I have lived here (been here 10 years) and in knowing him for at least 5 I will say I do know him to be a very good man. No drink, no smoke, no bars, no partying. Settled in and wants to be a family man. When OW left her H she told him it had nothing to do with him, all her. She is off her rocker a bit upstairs but that would be a whole other post. I will say that he is very close to his family, especially mother and his house is right next door to hers. So..... I know her well and am quite sure she knows all business that goes on in that house and I think he tells her everything. I think when he is in a relationship he is "whipped" so to speak. He gave OW everything she wanted, a house, car, motorcycles, 4 wheelers, birthday parties, added on to house, went into crazy debt for her. Hopefully he has learned his lesson. Maybe he will come out on his end a stronger man.

Like I said, I don't know the future. Is this the type of man I am looking for when the time is right? absolutely. I don't smoke, or party, or go to bars, I am a family person as well. We are both looking for that. But he is younger than I (I am guessing about 8 or 9 years) and he has no kids. I have 2. So, although he is great with kids and had wanted to start a family, I have no idea if he would want what they call a "ready made" one. I understand it is a lot of responsibility to be with someone who has kids.

Was just curious if this occurred before with anyone. I had heard of it. Think he would be great catch when the time is right. But who knows, he'll probably meet someone his own age and who doesn't have kids. Although I will say, in this small town we live in, finding people who will meet our standards is gonna be a challenge! Every other stop is a bar in our town. We have 3 traffic lights that is how small. Most everyone has been with everyone else. Gee, doesn't the future look bright! mlhb

I thought you meant small! 3 traffic lights-that is huge!!
Heeeheee...we don't have any! Closest one is 70 miles away!!
I can relate to the small town/everybody knows everybody thing..

Just had to chime in about the small town...most don't know how small a small town can be! All the little towns around us have only hundreds of people..and I like it this way!

Yes, well I feel that small towns have their good and bad points I guess.... The bad being trying to find someone to start a new relationship with in this town is going to be quite the challenge. mlhb

Yes. My parents know a couple whose spouses both had A's other people about the same time. Both couples were friends and when the D's went through about 3 years later, they married. They know have 2 grown children and are very happy. Their x-spouses on the other hand went down hill from there. I don't know too much but enough to know they are not successful in life.

So much for all that A fantasy. Reality bites. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

Yea, reality can sure bite all right. The A has supposedly been over for a while between my H and the OW who's marriage broke up. But my gut tells me that since they are now both moved out of the residences they may take up once in awhile just for sf if nothing else. The A was strictly physical for my H as he wants no relationship with anyone. For her, well she left her H to have a relationship with my H and got a rude wake up call when my H said he was just using her as long as she was stupid enough to be used. So she says she hates him but she has been in contact with him since they both moved out. I half expect to see my H's car at her apartment one of these days or mornings. (like I said, 3 traffic light town)... So, as far as success in the future for my H and this OW?? doubt it. I think she is as messed up as my H is and the only thing they will ever have is pure dysfunction. I don't exactly see wedding bells in the future for those two. I see long nights at the bar and cheap sf. And I don't believe she will just do it with my H either as she has already went for sf with someone else too. So, what a tangled web huh? I think the only 2 sane people in this are me and her XH. And we are the ones trying to heal and move on. Like I said, too soon for anything right now, but would sure give him a chance at some point if the opportunity ever presented itself again. mlhb

mlhb,

I understand how that could happen, almost fell into that myself...

but that is an "ouch" dontcha think? That was why I ran, I kept thinking I would pay for this later and wouldn't like the price.

Crazy confusing times aren't they?

I will admit it is probably kinda odd, not the best way to meet a new potential mate.... But, if after all is said and done, both ws's are out of the picture due to divorce, and after both bs's have had time to heal and move on, you choose to date I don't think it is any big deal. I have actually had people come up to me (like I said, very small town, everyone knows what happened in my marriage, especially since both ws's are on the fire dept) and say, hey, now there is a nice guy for ya! I think the town would probably stand up and applaud if we ever got together because the whole town thinks we are two very nice people who had something really bad happen. Most of this town has no respect for my H or his xw anymore because of what they did to our families, especially since I have children and he had only been married less than 6 months. I look at it and still cannot believe our spouses did this.

But no, I don't think it is an ouch if after everything is over we wanted to date. Like I said, he is a great catch. I wouldn't feel wierd at all. I would be very happy. But not gonna hold my breath. Probably won't happen or at least not for a long while after we have both healed or dated others. mlhb