I dated a woman that is seperated from her husband and was at the time we first got together, She has told me before that she wanted to make it work in thier marriage and would leave then back to me she would come and we would end up together again I would no contact her at all during these times and leave her be but she would always come back telling me that she couldn't stand being away from me...
I told her 2 months ago I no longer wanted to see her and to leave me be and she did for about a month then she came back and told me she was pregnant and I went to the doctors and seen the ultrasound, I'm almost 99% sure its mine cause when she concieved in march I was laid of and we spent every moment togther, she wanted me to be there for both her and the baby and after a few days I told her I would be there for both of them...We were toghter for awhile then she breaks it of again and now she is telling me that she dosen't want me around her or the baby, I have done nothing but treat her like gold not even raising my voice to her ever, Now she came running to me telling me how much she loves me and the whole nine yards and I take her back , now she tells me all I want is to be alone and I'm moving and I don't want you to be a part of the baby's life and will not give me any other reason than that.... Can I have an attorney get the courts to get her to submit to a paternity test so I can assume my role in the childs life and pay the support so I can get visitation rights...

Her and her husband have 2 kids together and are still currently seperated, she says she won't tell anyone where she is going and live without me getting to know the baby, like I said before I never ever treated her bad nor am I a bad person in our community, is this homonal headgames she is playing or what.. I had no part in thier split up and I feel bad for thier situation she has lived with me on and off for a little ober a year... I just want to be a part of the childs life and waht would happen if they got back together would he have the rights to my child.... Thanks for your time..

By what definition? You have sex outside of marriage, with a married woman, without protection. That doesn't fit the definition of "good person", at least from a moral view. Were there any other guilty parties in this? Sure---but that doesn't excuse your behaviors, and should help to explain why you're in this situation.

Affairs are very much like chemical addictions---right down to the brain chemistry that is triggered during affairs. So your affair partner is acting like she's a crack head---one minute she's telling you how much she loves you and how great it is to be with you, the next she's having guilt and deciding to go back to the marriage. This is typical---and its a reason why the vast majority of affairs burn out within a couple years, and never lead to a long term stable relationship.

For her to make a "good" decision, she has to get over her addiction---and that means you. That means that you should have no contact with her, regardless of whether she's seeking you out. It can take months to get over this addiction---and any contact will set her back to square one (or close). So you're in a catch-22: you continue to discuss this with you and you're going to get the addict's bipolar type reactions. You step back, and you're going to feel as though you're powerless to negotiate.

My advice to you, as a "good person in your community", is to get away from this situation for the time being. That might even be in the form of a no-contact letter to the wife---tell her that you will not be involved with her again, and she should work on her marriage. This puts the ball back into her court. If she is able to successfully save the marriage---this child will (hopefully) be raised in a loving, 2-parent environment. Win for the kid, win for the couple---you're the one who sacrifices. If the marriage falls apart (or she doesn't even try to salvage it), she would likely come after you for child support---and at this point you would probabaly have access to the child.

For you to legally pursue custody---it may be possible, depending on your state's laws. To me, that appears to be a lose-lose-lose situation: it will likely put a lot of pressure on this couple's marriage (sometimes that can help rebuild, fighting a common enemy), it would put the child in the position of being a pawn, and it's likely to cost you a lot of time and money.

What I see from your posts is I want..., I want... My child... . As a upright member of the community---you need to see your selfish desires for what they are---and truly attempt to make a decision based on the needs of the child and the community at large. Not just what you "want"...

I gotta agree with K on this one pal. Your situation is somewhat similar to my wife's partner in adultery's stance. You both knew that the woman you were involved with was married yet chose to continue the relationship. You should have known better. The correct response to your feelings for her would have been "give me a call when you're not involved with him anymore". I learned that lesson when I was in my twenties.

I don't judge you and I have no doubt that your feelings for your coming child are genuine. I know the pain I would feel in your place. But you sound to me as if you feel that you're blameless for the situation. I don't think you are. As adults we are responsible for our actions and need to take responsibility for our mistakes. If that means in your case that you have to stand up and take the pain of separation from your child do you really think that it's COMPLETELY unfair? Do the right thing and step back for now. You have the rest of your life to deal with the situation.

This woman's behavior is only possible because YOU make it possible, but if you do the right thing and take yourself away from the drama by writting her a NC [no contact] letter explicitly telling her that you want nothing to do with her and the child ever again, then you will force her to do what she should have done a long time ago which is to deal with her problems instead of escaping from them. This takes guts for it will mean sacrificing your selfish desires for the long term benefit of all parties involved which beleive it or not includes you as well.

TMCM

Bigjoe I do feel sorry for you because you will not be a part of this child's life, but since you played with fire you got burned, the husband is the legal father of the unborn child. You really need to see a lawyer to understand you really do not have much rights , you will be in for a long fight especially if the Husband wants to claim the child as his. You were with his WIFE and any children born of the marriage are his.

If you did not know this so sorry but you should have used protection till she was legally divorced.

I understand you feel out in the cold right. Do you have any other children? Does the woman have many children with her husband or otherwise?

Bigjoe:

I'm on the other stick of this. I honestly feel that a child deserves to know his/her bio parents. I agree whole heartly that the affair was wrong and basically you've got coming what your getting.

On the other hand, If her husband wants to raise this child, and you feel it's in the best interest of the child I would walk away.

If you want visation, then you have to take the good with the bad. You have to remember since it's a MOW that she has a husband that lives in the same house with her, and more than likely her husband will be the main caregiver for that child and could (will be) closer to that child. It's not as if you had a relationship with her and broke up and the child is already here and she remarries.

Depending on your state laws though will depend if you can even have access to be a father to this child. You can defintly petiton the court for dna.

I agree that you should leave this woman alone. Why would you want to settle for leftovers? Why would you allow any woman treat you like this? Is your selfworth not worth more?

Her husband does not deserve this either. Does he know about you? Is she treating him like she is treating you?

With the way she is acting, I can see it now. She will sneak the baby around to see you. Confuse that child. You'll have no rights and get attached then when she gets in one of her moods you could GO MONTHS without seeing the child. I'm sorry but she has you on a string and dangling you all over the place.

BTW....I'm an xow w/oc. So I know what I'm talking about. She can promise you the moon and tell you how much she loves you and on and on but her actions are showing differently.

I agree that you should go nc and let her either work it out with her husband or not. But don't even consider being with her unless she is divorced.

The advise you've been given here to me (as in the position I'm in) is like a double edge sword. I can really see why they ae saying what they say. I can also understand wanting your own flesh and blood in your life. You have made a mistake with the affair, but that does not scorn you for life. You could be a stand up guy and have great morals (expect for that little affair you've been).

You really need to weight out the options and the choices. If she stays with her husband and He wants to raise this child as his own you need to see the benifits in that and make your chioces for this child, not for yourself. And if you think that the mow will come back to you because of this bond of "child" you have together think again. 99.9999% of the time it does not happen. A child is NOT a pawn. This situation is going to be hard enough as it is. NOw Pops has a sitution where the mm does have contact with his wife. He may pop in again and give you his insight.

I'm asking two things of you:

1. NC with this mow. Let her deal with her marriage and work it out or not without your influnence.
2. Think real hard what your reasons are for having contact and what really (in reality) is best for this child.

Good luck to you.