Hi, I have posted my story here before. Here is the short version
My wife and I have been together for 7 years on july 25th.
She had an affair that lasted one week. I guess it was more of a 2 night stand. I was able to easily break up the affair because the closeness to her family and friends made it impossible to continue without detection.She had the affair because she felt like we were drifting apart and she dealt with it the wrong way.

OK- After 4 weeks of trying to communicate and meet her emotional needs I hit a wall. She was not letting me in at all. finally i sent her a letter outlining what I expected from her. basically 100% commitment to save the marriage.She responded back by saying that she is unable at this time to commit 100% to saving the marriage and feels like she needs space away to think.She said that she feels like it is not fair to me to pretend to give 100% when she is not. I agree.

My wife feels that she is trapped. I was her first real relationship (me 35, her 29) and I guess she feels that she missed a lot.I gave up a lot also, as far as dating and what not, but I also gained what other people spend years dating to find. She just can't see it from that perspective right now.

I have decided to give her her space to think.We agreed to seperate. Is this the right thing to do? I am afraid that she will not come back. We had so many good years together. Our problems started about 6 months ago (typicall, emotional neglect, sex, finances ect..)I always thought that we could work it out. But since the affair she is lost completly.She said that she still wants to see me but be away from me for awhile. It's hard not to think that she is just giving me a conselation prize or something out of guilt.She has agreed to counseling so I guess thet is a good start. I still can't help but think she is biding her time to find someone else to fill her void and leave me behind. I know there are no guarantees but I don't know how long I can wait for her to commit to the marriage before I give up on it.

She wants your permission t/b permiscuous.

L.

I think Orchid is dead on. She is not committed to the marriage or counseling and wishes to have your permission to go out and find herself which means having sex with other men. She just ended an affair and now wishes to separate to experiment and see what she was missing being married. She wishes to live the single life now. This is absolutely the worst thing thing you can do by allowing this. The bottom line is are you sure you would wish to remain married after say she comes back after being involved with other men. I think you will suffer great heartache from this.

Sounds to me that the other man is still in the picture.

She is going to live with her sister and her spouse whom went through the same thing and worked through it..They will not allow her to see om if she stays there.She had other options so her decision to stay there lets me know she is not seeing om. They want us to work it out and offered her a place to go and stay to think.
As far as commitment . No she is not committed and quite frankly I can't see any good reason to live with her right now. She is just going to shut me out anyway.
No, i will not take her back if she sees other men. But I can't force her to stay you know.
Should i give an ultimatum to stay and work and what good would that do? I tried forcing her to stay before and she wants to leave now?
What do I do? It's really not about me allowing anything, I have no more control.If she wants to see other men than she wants a divorce. she claims she doesn't so I am giving her space to think, which is what she is asking for.

kdh -

Oh dear, "space to think" is what they all ask for. What it really means is space to continue the affair. She knows that she can't continue the affair living with you, so she is willing to live with her sister. Then she will just lie to her sister, and continue seeing the OM.

Is he married? Where did they meet? I think you will do better by exposing the affair.

I don't feel that separating is usually a good idea and more often than not, leads to divorce.

By all accounts, my h and I probably had a pretty good chance of making it. But we separated a year ago...and the divorce papers are being drawn up now. *shrug*...You do what you feel you need to do, but if you want to save your marriage and can avoid the separation, I would do so.

The affair has already been exposed to everyone. No he is single. I don't know a lot about om because the affair was only a week, not months. I don't really want to know.Her family and friends all know and have been on her tightly in support of me.
She can't continue the affair. Heres why: The om lives 30 miles away. she has to dissapear for an entire night or day to see him. Her six sisters live right down the street from me. The sister she is going to stay with live a mile away. They are already on her like flys on S$%^t.I have been on her as well.She can't lie to them without getting caught, they are all to close and know when she is lying as I do.
The affair started 4 weeks ago on a short trip with a friend (other female). she got back from the trip and saw him twice in a week, then got caught, rather easily I might add.She stayed out all night and tried to use her friends and family as an aliby. They all declined to cover her [censored]. she is alone in this whole thing. No enablers and her family is close in spirit and distance. I truly beleive she has not( over the past 3 weeks) and can't see om without getting caught immediately.I would know, beleive me. I knew about om within 3 days. I gave her the extra 4 days to gather evidence for myself so she couldn't lie to me.
If she gets caught she knows I will divorce her.

I hear you but I have tried everything to reach her. I left for acouple of days and quite frankly I felt much better than staying here and forcing myself on her emotionally.She is all alone in this. no one, her family, frinds, I mean no one supports her behavior.The sister she is staying with has gone through what she is going through and she and her spouse are doing great. She had other options for seperation and she choose to stay with people that want us to be ok. She could have stayed with her single friend if she wanted to see other men. she also lives right down the street.
Maybe I am a fool. But I truly beleive her when she says she is overwhelmed and needs space to think.I just think that that in love feeling is gone for her right now.Maybe we both need to miss eachother. Of course there is that negative side telling me she is trying to fool me,but why would she make it more difficult to fool me if she wanted to.
all I really want at this point is honesty.If she wants a divorce so be it. I would hate to lose her but I have to take care of myself too.I really don't think she knows what she wants. I do know that she will not find it around me right now.

I understand what you're saying.

Okay...so what are your boundaries while you're separated? No dating others? And how will each of you account for your time to each other? If that boundary is crossed, what are the hard and fast consequences.

While separated, how are you going to work on the marriage? What steps will you take? Is there a plan in place?

I know you can't force yourself on her, and it's degrading to try and do so. Believe me, I know!

But ya know what? My husband needed space...needed to be single awhile. He lived really far from me. We saw each other a couple of times. He started to want to work on the marriage. Asked *me* for the counseling numbers.

But then he just "happened" to meet someone (not his affair partner) and thought himself right out of the marriage. Said he "thought a lot"--that's how he tried. Said he "thought about it" and knew we couldn't make it. Said he loved me, said we had great sex and had fun together--but he "thought about it" and knew we couldn't work through the difficulties.

He saw all the good changes in me. Liked them enough to want to work on the marriage. But after he met someone, he was able to explain all that away..."I only wanted you because I was lonely and depressed....", blah blah blah. EVERY SINGLE positive thing he found about me and our marriage, he was able to explain away for a negative reason.

How could our marriage, with it's difficulties, possibly compare to the carefree single/dating scene? How could I possibly compete with a new relationship? Simple answer? I couldn't, and it was degrading to try, so I went to plan B and I'm at divorce's doorstep. If my husband had been able to see longterm happiness over shortterm happiness, things may have been different.

Things might be different for you...I hope they are. I just know that my husband went six months without dating during our separation--so he did go for awhile. But then just "happened" to meet someone. So what if your wife just "happens" to meet someone?

Gahhh...but I do understand what you're saying. I just think that if you separate, you'll likely divorce. I'm sorry.

I hear you and I'm sorry you went through that. I just have to stay focused on me right now. I kept obssesing on what she wanted and how to fix things. She is the one that cheated not me.Sometimes you can't fix other people and I'm tired of trying after 7 years , you know. If she thinks that little of herself to go for short term pleasures over Marriage than we shouldn't be married anyway and I am better off.Sure it hurts and everything but I love myself too much to degrade myself while she shuts me out. That is why we are seperating. Why put me through more [censored] you know.At least she was honest about that.

As far as bouderies. She can't see other people.Nor will I as long as we are married and wear these rings. Her sisters and family will Loath the heck out of her if she does and she can't handle that.They are just too close of a family for her to get away with screwing me over anymore.They love me and won't(known them 14 years)be codependents for her B%ll [email]sh@@t.[/email] Pwersonally I have no timetable, but I won't wait 6 months. I don't even know if I can wait 6 weeks.I can always split the assets and move out. Like i said I love mysef too much to be a doormat for 6 months(no offense),. I just feel like sitting around waiting that long makes me a puppet. I know I am better and stronger than that.
I do want to save my marriage. However If she isn't 100% committed or able to come forward and work than I have no control over that.

Hi kdh, sorry to hear abt yr situation. After D-day on 27 May, WH chose to be with OW and didn't want to work on the marriage at all. In fact, he ignored and avoided me at all cost so I cldn't even do a very effective Plan A. He then moved out 1.5 mths ago and we have minimal contact other than discussing abt the financial matters re: separation deed. I had to file the sep deed in order to secure my finances as WH had also messed that up and owe me more than $30K in my local currency. Basically, most of my nest egg.

I know the sep will most often and probably lead to divorce. From the way he's acting, I don't know if he'll ever come out of the fog. He has not shown any inkling that he still cares.

Hence, I have to keep moving on for myself as I felt I would lose myself each and every day if I was hoping he'll be back. It's a survival thing.

~A

kdh, you can't stop her from leaving [I know you know this] but please don't think she is seperating to do anything but carry on her affair. One does not need "space" to think, this is a commonly used ruse to get away from the BS so the WS can carry on an affair. I have no doubt that your W will be going out with the "girls" after she moves out. Please just be prepared for that and do your best to keep an eagle eye on her so you can expose it.

Her behavior in the past few weeks has been the classic behavior of a WS in withdrawal from an affair, ie: detached and closed off from the BS. It seems, though, that she is trying to alleviate the pain from withdrawal by moving out and perhaps hooking up with the OM without you looking on.

In the meantime, have you read any of Harley's books? I would suggest Surviving an Affair and Lovebusters by Willard Harley. They would probably be very very helpful.

Do you have kids?

I also think you did alot to push her away by making demands at such a critical time. She was detached from you, as evidenced by her affair. A person just coming out of an affair is emotionally DETACHED and cannot commit. But that feeling comes back if you give it time and don't ruin things with lovebusters, ie: selfish demands. But

You can't force someone into a marriage, kdh. I would imagine she felt pressured to do something she simply couldn't do at this time. And making demands of her, simply pushed her away more than she already was.

kdh, I think your best bet is to begin a program of attraction and put aside your demands. Find out her top needs and start slowly and gradually trying to meet them without being pushy. She may not respond at first, but over time she will.

Let her move out, but watch your back and start a very good, strategic Plan A that is designed to subtly attract her back without being too pushy with no demands.

I have no kids, thank god. That would be a nightmare.
I know she will to go out with the girls.I have a very close relationship with all of her friends and their husbands. (only one of them single). They have all voiced support for me and won't approve of her bahavior. these folkes have lives and kids and husbands too.They all can't go out and party with her all the time.Her sisters will help me keep an eye on her.That is why they invited her to stay with them, so she will really think and not just go out. They will throw her out if she behaves that way. Beleive me I have known these girls for 14 years and they know their sister is lost.They all love and support me and would loath her if she does anything other than really try to comprehend things right now.My wife had a choice, stay with her single enabler friend or stay with her siters that will watch her every move. she chose the sisters so I have to believe her space needing is for her own mental health right now.Maybe I am in denial but i have to beleive this or I will go nuts.If she decides to go the b&ll Sh&*t route and see other men than it's over and least I don't waste anymore of my time.
The only thing that really bothers me right now about the seperation is her selfishness. I need this, I need that, as if I have no needs at all or am insignificant.She has expressed that she does not want a divorce.But to me it seems as if she is keeping me in the loop for her own selfish reasons. I don't think I can stay seperated that long without a divorce. She has to come forward soon or it's over. i will not be a doormat. I keep telling myself that over and over.

Thank you .You nailed it all. This is the best advice so far and exactly what i was looking for. No paranoid talk about OM and ongoing affair(which I know in my gut has stopped).It was short, 1 week to begin with. More of an escape from feelings than an attachment. Thank you for not feeding more of my worries and i will, with her sisters help keep close watch.

Yeah I got the idea that I was being too pushy.I was trying to plan A but I did it in a pushy way. That is why I backed off and let her move out.( she didn't just leave, we agreed mutually to this) I explained to her that I knew I was being pushy and she wasn't ready, she heard me loud and clear.And I heard her.I was just realy frusterated that she was not responding. I think she understands that.
The positive in all of this is that she chose to stay with sisters that support our marriage 100%. She had the oportunity to stay anywhere else and she chose the right place to be.
She has been honest with me about her feelings for the first time in years. I was her first real relationship and she feels trapped and wants to feel that "in love feeling again". I have felt that way as well sometimes.I know what her EN are. she really wants to feel desired, wanted, and attractive. She is turning thirty soon and I know she worries about becoming unattractive to me. I intensified that feeling of unatractivness by shutting her out emotoinally and physically.Along came a guy that made her feel attractive and she got weak.
I know i forced myself on her out of desperation and it pushed her away. I think space to meet her EN without the pressure cooker environment is good for us.

I know that seperation usually leads to divorce, but I truly believe this is the right step for us.There is no way for me to back off in this smal 2 bedroom condo, you know.It's just too intense right now.

Before she left today she said that she would call me later. And explained to me (without any proding on my part) what she was doing today.She wants to stay close by me and still hang out, so she is not completely shutting me out. she just needs to be out of the intanse environment for awhile as do I.I miss her ,but that is good. I am sure she will eventually miss me too.
I will keep doing the en thing but in smaller doses. Thank you for that advice. you really gave me hope today.

kdh, do you have the books, Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley? And perhaps even Fall in Love, Stay in Love. I think they would be an enormous help to you right now.

She will probably start missing you after a couple of days, which would be an opportune time to be there for her and perhaps even take her out for a nice dinner. Let her call you, so you don't come across as pushy. If you get that opportunity, kdh, it would be a real good idea to be as pleasant as possible and avoid all relationship talk.

And I don't doubt that you know your situation better than us, but believe me, we are not being paranoid when we tell you that the seperation argument is always a ruse designed to make more time to see the OP. In all the years I have been on here, I have never seen it otherwise. NEVER. So please be assured our fears are not out of misplaced paranoia, but out of long hard experience. Of course, I very much hope you are right, but I would also feel reassured if I knew that you all were watching closely. I don't WANT to be right about this, kdh, and I mean this sincerely. Please just watch your back, my friend.

This statement tells me quite a bit about the problem. Is she a conflict avoider? Why do you think she has not been honest about her feelings in the past?

Thanks. I didn't mean to come off nasty with the paranoid comment. I am just really raw right now. Sorry.

I will watch my back.
I have checked the phone records and emails today. No indication of contact with om since June 24th (D-Day).I am more concerned that she will try to meet another person. I also made contact with the sisters and they assured me that if she does anything to indcate she is seeing om or going out to meet other men they will let me know.They work from home as do I so it's less difficult to keep tabs on her.Plus,the sister and spouse she is staying with have gone though infedelity themselves 3 years ago. she won't be able to fool them.
My main concern is feeling out how much time I am actually willing to give her to come around. I know I can't live seperated for 6 months or whatever. I might as well be single and move on you know.I really want to save the marriage but 3 months I think is the max for me before I will require a full commitment from her. Is that reasonable??
Thanks for the resouces my friend . Talk to again when I have an update.

Absolutely. She never wants to deal with anything that involves conflict or she thinks will cause conflict.Actually she is avoidant of reality period. Any mature situation (example : her mom has been sick with bad kidneys for the past year and her dad had a stoke 3 years ago) she won't talk about it or even deal. I ask her how her mom is doing out of concern and she says "I don't know". Her parents are like this also. The just play osteritch when stress comes along.Her mom refused to let me take her to the hospital when she first started feeling sick. It almost killed her just to avoid reality.Bury the head in the sand, you know.I have been trying for years to get her to open up about anything and she just won't do it.The cell phone bill was wrong a few months ago. it was her idea for the plan so I asked her to take care of it. She couildn't do it.So you see even small things are avoided. anything remotly stressful is shoved aside and ignored. She is great at faking happiness. Now that her behavior has finally caught up with her she can't hide anymore. I know it's overwhelming as heck right now. Maybe even more so than what I am going through.
Honestly, as bad as I feel, I still feel really sorry for her. She has no coping skills at all and was never taught any. I don't attack her or scream or even show my frustration when approaching her. she just gets relly defensive about anything unpleasant to talk about, even if it's just mild.
I hope counseling will help.