Yes, I think plan b is the way to go at this point. A plan B letter is a good idea. The hard part is sticking it out. Plan B is very hard from what I've heard on here.

Fox-

I didn't read your whole post......but you are both SO YOUNG. I understand your hurt and your anger, and you have a right feel that way.

I wanted to tell you that I got married when I was 17 years old to my first husband, and I said the words, during the ceremony.....but I didn't really think about them, I didn't think of the implications, that I was promising to spend the rest of my life with this *boy* (He was 3 years older than me..and I was pregnant).

I discovered very soon that I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, that I didn't love him, that I was really too young to know what love was, we were married for 3 years.

I hurt him horribly, because, he apparently DID mean what he said in his vows. I thought I did, I really did.

There is no excuse for the pain I caused him.......we were just too young.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but I fully understand the pain he felt now.....so much so, if he hadn't been happily married for the last 16 years I'd write him a letter and tell him so.

-Caren

Caren - that only makes me feel like she has wasted the last two years of my life.

Bob - does this mean I need to write a Plan B letter and sign separation papers before I go to school?

How do I earn my way out of this when I feel like I don't even want to be with her anymore; I know I said I do - but truthfully I feel like I don't even know anymore. Is this because I'm turning into a WS? I don't even understand my own feelings anymore.

Start from the beginning Fox.

What kind of man do you want to be?

Then map out how that man behaves, no matter what life throws at him. Then walk the map.

Need more? Just ask! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I want to be a good man - a kind and forgiving man; I've been trying very hard but its like the emotions of the past month boiled over and I couldn't do it anymore without expressing my pain.

Fox
In all the cases I've seen where personal and/or marital recovery have been acheived the ATTITUDE came before the action.

Your next step is les about writing a letter or plan a or whatever and MORE about making some space and doing everything eight times slower and forty times surer.

FIght or flight is not your friend in affairs Fox. i KNOW thats your instinct but it won;t help you.

You must find some way to detach some, and get some thinking and acting space. Some head peace.

For me, I treated the whole thing like an important project at work. I followed MB in a careful but detached manner. It led to great gain.

Maybe you have a strategy that you can use to detach and take each new punch less viscerally Fox ?

Fox

No matter what happens to your marriage, please pray to God that he help you conquer your resentment and bitterness otherwise these two can take permanent residence in your heart. I know because when I was able to do this, moving on with my life became a reality. If I still had those two in my heart, I can most assuredly tell you that I would not have been able to meet and marry the most wonderful woman I have ever known who is now my wife [2nd W]. So please, include in your prayers to the Lord one to help you conquer these two vile demons.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is, and always will be, for the benefit of the offended not the offender.

TMCM

Fox,

Kayla, Ark and others are trying hard to keep you on the right path. Your emotions keep pulling you to the edge and frankly, you are too young t/b taking that kind of emotional tumble.

So give us your hand and hold on tight ok?

Now listen son, you are right t/b hurt and you do need closure but not when your head tells you, you need it but when your mind and heart are in sync so you can not only make a good life changing decision but have the smarts and heart to carry it through. Got it?!??!?

Ok, now right now your mind and heart are NOT in sync. That is why you are waffling so. Tomorrow, go have some pancakes instead. They are flat and easier to make and eat. LOL!!! No more waffling ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sit down and right some notes about where you want to be (have accomplished) in 5 years, then 3 years, then 1 year. Each timeframe to you may seem a long ways away but it isn't .

Then keep focused on 'reasonable goals'. You have the right to expect t/b treated with respect, love and loyalty. In return you need to be able to give the same.

Now you've got some homework. The school year has already started out here so Teacher Orchid has just given you an assignment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Fox, read your words:


Fox, not understanding your own feelings is part of the deal. (This deal)
You're an intelligent guy, so answer this:

If you don't understand... if you don't have all the information (your own feelings)... do you feel comfortable with your decision-making process right now? Of course not!

That's my way of saying:

1) Stop.
2) Breathe.
3) Gather your thoughts -- your head, and your heart -- they gotta be in sync. And that takes a while. I understand, we all do, the panic -- but your own panic is one of your worst enemies.
4) Listen to these wise people.

Have you even read Surviving an Affair yet? Do you really understand the MB philosophy of Plan A and Plan B? Are you moving forward with a plan of any kind, or are you just taking tidbids from this site and "trying" to work through this?

You are young, and impatient. This process takes patience and maturity, not to mention tenacity. You need to decide on a direction, and follow the "map" folks here will lay out for you to follow. Otherwise, you are spinning your wheels, wasting time, and incurring more pain than is necessary.

Time to step up. Can you do it?

Best wishes,
SD