This is my first time posting. I have read through several other postings and think that this is a great support system.

I discovered in May that my husband of 8 years was living with another woman who was pregnant with his baby. The A started in January (a couple of days after my birthday while I was on a business trip). They moved in together in April while at the same time he was living at home and telling me he wanted to work on the marriage. I discovered the OW when she called me to find out if he was still married.

WH ended the A in the end of May and has had NC since the OW terminated the pregancy (she still continued to call and he finally changed his number after he asked her not to call anymore). We have been having several good discussions to work on our marriage but have not gone for MC yet. I filed for divorce in April (not yet knowing about the OW) and have put the petition on hold while we work on our problems.

I am having a hard time dealing with the emotional ups and downs. Some days are good some are bad. He has been open in answering my questions but wants to move on and focus on us. I agree but sometimes have a hard time not thinking about it. I don't trust him and don't want to get hurt again however I am trying to keep an open mind for our two children (ages 8 and 4).

Please help.

genee

welcome to MB. I'm sorry you find yourself here but at least there are lots of people who have been through similar experiences on both sides of the fence.

First thing I'd like to suggest is for you to read this site, about love busters, love banking, etc etc//its all so helpful.
Really these are just fancy catchy names so you will remember them for some really common sense approaches to relationships & M.

The system works for men & women, beytrayed & betrayers, and the simply lost. It makes a lot of sense and it works a lot of the time. Remember there are no guarantees in this, its all hard work, sometimes soul searing work.

My first comment is that your H seems to be doing a number of the right things - but all yet - to separate him from the OW - BUT now simply wants you to forget and get on with life with him as if nothing much has happened.
This is a very common reaction by the WS - I did it to my H - its a result of fear you will learn things which will make you end the m and also a lack of understnding of the level and depth of pain he's caused in this mess.

Ok yes its good for you both to acknowledge there were big problems in the M before this A, but he has to accept he CHOSE this affair, he was not driven to it by you so never let that argument fly at all. I'm responsible for my A, your H is responsible for his..end of story.

Where to from here? well your discussions are a good start if you can keep them from getting into a shouting match. During these talks you must be honest. Tell him the depth of your hurt, distrust and need to ask questions, let him be honest with you too.
I would encourage you to get a MC asap..theres a good guide to finding one on this site.

so get reading and then ask questions and there are many who can help & advise...all the best

AW

genee -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you have found us so early in this. Does your husband have any idea why this happened? It is important to figure that out.

Why did you file for divorce in April? Were there other problems going on?

Due H's work schedule (he worked nights) we rarely saw one another and when you did have the chance to spend time with the kids and I he seemed to always be too tired or made plans to help friends with projects. Ever since we married I had to control the finances, kids, family, etc while working full time and finishing my degree. Things got to the point that he never seemed to be there for us and the more I asked for his help and support in making the marriage a partnership the further away he drifted. I make a good income on my own so there were no financial ties making me stay in a relatiosnhip that had no emotional attachment anymore- just the fear of throwing away 12 years together and disappointing two little girls.

Later when I confronted him regarding the A he agreed to not contest the D as long as I did not tell friends and family what he did. He asked for a second chance to prove himself though he knew the papers had been filed. I asked for, and got him to agree to, signing the house over to me and paying a sizable temporary support while the divore petition was in process. In return he ended his relationship, spends more time with the kids now that he has in years, works on projects around the house, answers questions I have without reserve, and has given me a new "promise" ring for the future. He knows that I need time and space to go through my feelings and is not pushing me, but though he seems to be doing many things right I can't shake my doubts. He was involved in a EA one month after we married (I was 19 he was 21) and then again 1 year after we married (I found out the night our first DD was born). There were no other A or EA's until the one this year, that I know of- but I can't help but wonder.

Thank you for the comments. It was good to hear from a WS how they percieve things. In the beginning he tried to say the A was partially my fault but by our 3rd discussion he had admitted to and believes that the responsibility was his. We argee that there were issues in the marriage that we need to address if we want to continue it but that they are not the cause of the A, only an excuse that he used at the time. Though he hopes for a second chance I have told him that I could not guarantee that the M would continue. I told him my hope is that we would come to an understanding about how we ended up in this spot for closure and moving forward - with the M or other relationships if D seems like the final choice.

Okay, that sounds good. I would suggest that you get the book "Torn Asunder", especially for one chapter - "The Message of the Affair". It is vital that he determine why he is vulnerable to affairs - since this is his third one.

He seems to care about you and the family which is unusual. Often the WS wants the house, the money, and doesn't want to pay proper child support. So I will give him a couple of points there.

The idea of marriagebuilders is not only to save your marriage, but to have a much better one than before.

Thank you for the recommendation, I will try to find that book. During one of our discussions, we talked about this and one of the things that we found out was that he never stopped living a bachelor lifestyle in the beginning and that set the tone for our M. While we were dating and the first 3 yrs of the M his job required him to travel weekly out of state. His only worrry during the week was himself while while I was overburdened with the responisbility of finances, managing the household, and raising our D. This led me to resent him because when he called each night he had stories to tell about going out with friends, dinners, movies while I seemed to be toiling away at home. On the weekends I expected him to help more with the responsibility but he didn't (he saw the weekends as relaxation time after being gone the week at work) which led to more arguments that went unresolved. When he stopped traveling I thought we could start fresh but his new job required him to work at nights. I got to the point of thinking that if I am having to carry this M alone then I might as well be alone. I regret that we didn't talk about a lot of these things years ago when they happened instead of now when it is almost too late.

Know exactly how you feel, and can confirm that you are in the right place. After 15 years, discovered WH affair on 6/20 and am still going through much of the same thing. It was hard to admit that what made him vulnerable to the affair was partly my responsibility but looking back to where we had let the M falter really does help. He has had NC with OW, although she keeps trying. WH had a pattern of individual behavior that never was addressed and we drifted further and further until my unspoken resentments got to the both of us.

Welcome and hang in there. It has to get better than it was right?

Well, I can see a lot of changes that the two of you can make. The Harley's suggest 15 hours a week of couple time, doing fun things. And that means some time without the kids.

Also can you get some help around the house with cleaning? Since you are working, you have a full plate. Also it would be better if he worked the same hours.

For some reason it is very common for men to think that they can work outside of the home, and that is all that they have to do. Women work outside the home, are responsible for taking care of the home and children, and are still supposed to be a playmate for their husband. Something has to give, because most of us aren't wonder woman.

I remember during one argument when I was fustrated that he was still sleeping at 4pm and he said "I work you know". The sarcastic person in me congratulated him on his achievement and asked him if he wanted a trophy. I told him that while apparently he does not place much value in my full time job, volunteer work, and family obligations I worked too and still had time to spend with the family.

During the past few weeks since the NC with the OW, he has been much better about spending time with the family outside work hours so I am hoping things keep looking up. The kids are much happier now that he is more involved. Every time I look at them I question what the right decision is to make. By not going through with the D am I teaching them that this type of behavior by a WS ia acceptable, or am I teaching them resillience in the face of adversity and that some things in life that hurt make you stronger?

genee, by not going through the divorce, you are teaching them that it is possible to forgive and give second chances. You are doing a great thing for these kids by demonstrating this lesson and by keeping their family intact. Divorce is devastating to children and you have given them a great gift by avoiding it in an appropriate manner.


You are supposed to be thinking about it. That is how recover from such a traumatic betrayal. You can't make it go away, you must process it.

You are right to not trust him. You should not trust an untrustworthy person. He will have to earn that trust back. In the meantime, you should take every precaution and watch your back. Trust, but verify. You should never blindly trust anyone, especially someone who has betrayed you.

I agree with what the others have suggested about finding out what happened here and addressing the problems in the marriage. That will be the key to affair proofing your marriage. I would suggest getting some of Harley's books, as I think they would be excellent eyeopeners for you:

1. Love Busters

2.His Needs, Her Needs

3. Surviving an Affair


And keep coming back here and venting to us, Genee. You will get lots of support on this forum.

No matter how you look at it, your kids are much better off with their father in the home. There is no question about that.

But your husband must step up to the plate and be committed to the family and marriage. It sounds like he is heading in that direction. But there is still lots of work ahead.