new here

This is truly a strange situation. Ex-H and I separated in Sept 2003, divorce was finalized on my birthday, Dec 2004. I never wanted the divorce but due to circumstances, I went through with it. He had moved on and moved in with my best friend (she betrayed me and her own H so she could have him) I started dating someone new. Both of us have now been in our respective relationships for a year. Lately, it seems like no one in either relationship is happy. His gf HATES it when we talk (despite our custody arrangement for our kids) and has forbidden me from their house. The only time we talk is when we do to switch with the kids and maybe once or twice during the week. The only time he calls me is when he is driving home from work. As soon as he pulls into his driveway and she is home, it's "gotta go, she's home" Same goes with my bf. He hates my ex. He has even threatened him once (things have gone downhill since then) Now ex won't come to my house so we meet in a nearby elementary school's playground. All this avoiding each other is supposed to make our new SO's happy, right? It's not. If I talk to my ex, as soon as he realizes my bf is home or I'm almost home, he's off the phone.

We have been talking about some of the problems. We both have admitted the feelings we had for each other are still there. We never really even tried to save the marriage. So I wonder do we still love each other or is it the "what if's" that's making us unhappy in our current relationships?

I know mine is not entirely healthy. I get the feeling, based on what he has told me, his is not entirely healthy.

Is it even possible to rebuild a marriage after divorce?

Absolutely...look at my signature..

Is it hard? Absolutely. We both dated others (hers was that damn EA she had a few years back...it was and remains an issue)...However, we both lived alone. Kids never knew of BF - GF situation. I, like you, did not want divorce. We're in counseling. We have our bumps in the road. However, she has an new engagment ring and I moved back in during May. I sold my house...

You're both "cheating" with each other. I had told my XW when she asked me out to dinner that "I would not cheat on my GF" she was upset and changed it to involve our boys. I never did cheat on my GF. My GF knew of my deep feelings for XW but I nevr thought I'd get the chance. We did. Take teh chance but you BOTH need to take care of your living situations. I am a somewhat success story in this scenerio. There are many very painful stories of failures out there.

First things first...come clean with significant others...then do what you like. Your new relationship w/ XH is based on deceipt.....

I don't think we are "cheating" per se. He hurries off the phone because he is scared of my BF and he avoids talking to me around his GF because of the fights it leads to. I avoid talking to my ex around BF because of the fights we end up having. But if it's cheating, then yeah.... I guess we are.

BF said to me recently, it's hard being in love with someone who is in love with someone else. I get the feeling he is getting ready to leave. I can't blame him. As much as I want to make things work, I still have unresolved feelings for my ex.

While I have talked to BF about my side of this whole thing, as far as I know, ex has not talked to his GF at all. Maybe that is making him unhappy? Because he is hiding more from her than I am from mine. I don't hide my phone calls with my ex. I like the fact we get along and have been rebuilding our friendship (not the romantic part). I just try to keep the calls short and only when it's necessary so that I don't upset BF.

Both of the SOs are being completely unrealistic here. You and your ex MUST have a healthy post-divorce relationship for the sake of your children and what you are doing IS NOT cheating. That your SOs make you feel guilty about this evidences their insecurity in the relationships and it's wrong. New partners don't have a choice in this. Once you have children, you must have a relationship with your ex at least until they are grown and you shouldn't have to sneek around or fear reprisal for doing so. It the new partner can't accept this, they shouldn't be involved with someone who is divorced and has children. Period.

If you and the ex are still in love with one another, you shouldn't be involved with other people. You aren't ready. Yes it is possible to rebuild a marriage after a divorce. But you don't even talk about this possibility while the two of you are in relationships with other people. Those relationships have to end first and each allowed to get over the fallout from it before going down that road.

Just a little thing here....minus all the feelings that may or may not exist...

Your BF and EX's OW are both out of their minds.

How could either possibly expect you 2 never to be in contact again.

You have children, it is that simple and there will be contact.

OTOH, if your EX is looking to cheat on the OW? All bets are off.

It already sounds to me as if you are ready to dump BF, regardless of EX's actions.

So do it already, you said your feelings are unresolved and that is why you probably shouldn't have a BF anyway right now.

BF probably knows it too and your gut telling you he is ready to walk is more than likely correct. You are passing up a great opportunity to heal a bit by allowing this relationship to stumble away and end badly.

read this thread

HERE

and you'll see a bit of your sitch in my posts and Karona's...read about the healing relationships, growing relationships.

Good Luck

I agree totally than any SO has to understand contact is necessary when children are involved. It goes without saying. I don't believe that the issue with SO's is the contact it is the emotional attatchment and involvement.

Has your XH disucussed his feeligs with you? Are they mutual? I know in my case I so distrusted my XW that I was not paying attention to her non verbal communications. In fact, I thought she was trying to interfere w/ my SO at the time. I would ONLY see her about the boys, it was all I would allow to be discussed. I hated being in her (my old) home, I did not want to see her...even tough I had SO. I was falling hard for SO and it was difficult to break it off. But I did...as soon as I relaized I still loved my XW and she felt the same...it had to be done///

Cheating may be a tough choice of words but you're both being dishonest with other person....

thread lightly dear..this is a monster mine field

Ex has shared some of his feelings with me. Feeling confused because he still feels some of the things he did when we were together but yet he goes home to her. He admitted that there are times when his heart skips a beat when he sees me. I don't know if he's bullshitting me or not. He's faithful to his GF. It is not in him to physically cheat. However.... I am seeing signs of an EA. He has expressed anger and confusion over this "double standard" that seems to be going on. His GF has a son with her ex (that divorce is not final) and they have an arrangement where he watches his son while she works because he works 3rd shift and she has a 10 to 5 job. She sees him daily and talks to him daily. Ex does not give her grief about it but yet if he talks to me more than once a week, she gives him grief and a fight ensues. (at least based on what he has told me)

I do think he needs to be honest with her and needs to do it soon. I doubt it would be this week though. He gets the boys tomorrow and I know he hates fighting in front of them (one of the reasons we separated). I'm not entirely sure how ex feels about me at this moment. We rarely get the chance to discuss it in length.

My advice to your XH would be to get out of that relationship pronto. He's involved with a married woman who is dictating to him about his relationship with you, while doing the same thing with her ex. This cannot turn out well. It has all the hallmarks of a dysfunctional relationship.

But you talked about him and his feelings. What about yours?

what's best for all families involved is to be with each one's original partner. Good luck. I'm interested to see how this turns out.

my feelings? For him? I think about him a lot, I miss him. When I see him or he calls, my heart skips a beat and I get that nervous butterfly feeling in my stomach. I felt like that we were dating, I felt like that when he called me from Iraq (he was in the Army and deployed to Iraq when everything fell apart). We work near each other. From my spot, I can look right into his work. I'm not sure if he normally does this, but when he realized I could see him from my spot, he would hang around where I could see him. His work station is actually a couple spots over and blocked by some bushes. Makes any sense? When we first separated, he avoided me at all costs. Now it seems like he tries to put himself within my sight. Not that I'm complaining! He's very easy on the eyes.

When we talk, it seems like we both acknowledge the mistakes that were made and we have learned from them. I realized some of the things I used to do contributed to the failure and have tried to avoid making the same mistakes. I used to hate it when he wanted to go out with his friends without me. Now I realize that he needs a guys night out just as much as I need a girls night out every now and then. He wasn't doing it every night. He barely did it once a month! We had talked this morning (making alternate plans in case it rains - I'll explain that one later). He mentioned that they had a fight. When asked why, it turns out his GF didn't want to go out with him and his friend and his fiancee. Why? Because she doesn't like the other girl and didn't want to go to her choice to resturant (it was the other girl's birthday so it was her choice). As a result, he didn't get to go either. He said he ended up leaving and just driving around. When he got home, another fight. I find myself biting my tongue when I want to say, why in the he!! are you still with her?

We'll be doing the switch later this afternoon. It's his week with the boys starting tonight.