Just a quick update.

Just when you think it can't get worse.........

My father passed away a week ago Friday. They were going to do heart surgery on him, but things went from bad to worse, and he suffered a couple of strokes in the night, which took him.

He didn't want any kind of service, or memorial, so it seems we are left with no kind of closure. Thank God I got to tell him I loved him (over the phone) a couple of times. No one (on his end) seemed to think he was doing badly, so I didn't fly to AZ to see him (which makes me now feel horrible).

We are still going to Las Vegas this coming Thursday for DS's wedding. Too much stuff to do......and I am sooooo looking forward to the brain melting heat there. Our lovely wet summer here in the NW is not helping at all with getting us climatized.

Our 33rd anniversary was on the 21st. Nuff said.

WH still being secretive.....and kissing my hiney every now and then. I'm keeping an eye out.....especially since OW's birthday is the 26th.

Still quite resolved about my plan. And, like I thought, WH is no longer using the pre-paid phone card I found in his wallet. He either has another one hidden somewhere, or got himself a pay as you go cell phone.

And, here's a "by the by"......

read Pep's thread about people who post here who ask for advice, and then never seem to take it (can't remember the title).....

But it really got me to thinking......Is the reason some of us don't follow thru with the advice that we (deep down inside) cannot bear to hurt our WS - even tho they have caused us great pain?

Just a thought......

K

Very sorry about the loss of your father. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So sorry about your dad, K! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for you loss as well.

To answer your question, I think some people do not take all the advice is because of the emotional roller coaster they are on. I know for myself when you are hurting and emotional it is difficult to follow a plan or to control yourself. I know I've made a couple of mistakes. There is also doubt about advice given because there is no 100% guarantee given with it.

Dear K,

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. It is hard to lose a parent. As a parent, knowing we have good children is a comfort in these hard times.

As to your question, one of the reasons why most can't follow through is their heart and mind are not in sync. Haven't talked about that for a while but it is true. It takes time no matter how much we know what we need t/d. That is why I don't harp on all newbies. Understanding how to reverse babble, implement a good plan A then plan B is hard.

However, when you are ready, you will know. Then there is no stopping a BS who is ready to move forward regardless of where the WS is. When that piece of reality hits and there is clarity then watch out. The BS will move forward and there is no stopping them.

That is why I encourage all to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. When you are ready to set your boundaries, then watch out world. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

well said Orchid!

K, I am so sorry for the loss of your father... I lost mine in February very suddenly and really did not get to say goodbye <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I, too, was teribble at implementing the plans at times... after reading what O said, it is true. I think when I found out about this A I knew, somewhere deep down, that it was over... repeated infidelity is a bitter pill to swallow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

However, it took time for it to all come together into acceptance, that Plan D is my only viable option and moving forward for me and these kids is my best choice.

I still have my moments, but the resolve and strength I feel now in myself is an incredible impetus to continue to propel me forward through this mess! D sucks, but sometimes there are other things that suck MUCH worse! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Good luck and God Bless!

K
prayers and sympathy to you and yours...

ARK

"Cannot bear to hurt our WS" ... does not ring true to me. Not in a fully self-examined way. In fact K, we hurt those we love all the time!

I don't think this is the deepest reason ... only the more superficial reason we tell ourselves. This reason allows the BS feel good about not taking action.

1. Did you ever let a wayward child go consequence-free after their serious wrong-doing ... because you did not want to hurt that child?

2. Do you actually feel that consequences for serious wrong doing actually "hurt or help" the wrong-doer ... in the long run?

On another note:

My deepest sympathies for your loss ... if you can, get in touch with a grieving support person or group. I had the help of hospice ... and it was invaluable.

K, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. It makes it difficult that he requested no typed of funeral or memorial service. Often people think that is the best for those they leave behind, but it actually is worse because it doesn't offer any closure. Especially when the death is sudden. Plus we have ceremonies for marriage, baptisms, birthdays, etc. It seems the end of a person's life is no less than the other events. Hope you are OK.

As far as your question. I wonder if it is simply the difficulty to finally admit that we've tried our best but ultimately we don't have any control over what our S chooses to do. For you it is getting to that point of really admitting that your long term M is over. That is so hard. You kept hoping your H would really change, but it didn't happen. I am sorry for that. HUGS! CV

Thank you all for your support......my own brothers and sisters are so distant (both physically and emotionally) that there was little or no support there.

And, I think there are still issues to be dealt with. My father was mostly absent from our lives. His job kept him away almost all of the time.

He was also a WS.......a serial cheater. We watched it all as we grew up......watched what it did to our mother. So, to say that there is resentment there (for all of us) is putting it mildly.

And, as for my question, I think that consequences for actions do ALWAYS come EVENTUALLY, especially for adults.

Not as a child.....a small child learns from consequences or lack thereof. Such as stealing, and telling of untruths. If there are no consequences, they learn that their actions are not "wrong", and so continue with their learned behavior. When they are older, consequences for their learned behaviors do come.

I still struggle with the fact that someone (WH) I have known most of my life as "the honest one, the one with integrity" is no longer that person......at least where our M is concerned.

I'm not saying that I'm not honest, or am without integrity...it's just that I have learned to cherish, and diligently uphold these characteristics from my H.

I still uphold them, but no longer uphold the "teacher". He has fallen from his perch, and can't fly back up there.

I have tried my best, examined and changed myself. I cannot control my WH. I don't want to.

I will find no pleasure in seeing the stricken look on WH's face when I finally end this mess. No triumph.

Only sadness for a lost life. And strength in myself. I know I will survive. I will HAPPILY survive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

K