My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. It is my second marriage, it is his fourth. I have a son (17) from my first marriage, he has a son and daughter (14 & 10) from his first. Herein is where our conflicts arise.
I am blessed in that my son does live with us. His children live with their mother out of state. They visit for the summer for about 5 weeks, and again briefly over holidays. There are a couple questions surrounding this situation, please bear with me! Any and all advice is very much appreciated for I am truly at my wits end. First of all my husband and son can not stand each other. My son was very hurt by his fathers actions in the past, he is not easily trusting of my husband. My husband makes NO attempt at building a relationship with him. I have tried talking with him, but he refuses to consider my son, or my feelings, saying when my son starts trying, he will also. So then, when HIS children arrive (they are here now)he is the full on Disneyland Dad, non-stop for 5 weeks. He lavishes them with every spare moment, eating out etc. Things he gets upset with my son, are all right with his, the old double-standard! I become relegated to more of a roomate-like status. My feelings are not considered. He will make plans with his children, and say something like "We are going to ..., you can go if you want". We normally have a date night once a week, when his kids are here that is put on hold. I had asked if we could have just one, and he refuses saying when his children are here they need him 100%. In the meantime, I am kind, thoughtful and loving towards his children. Wishing he too could extend even a fraction of that to my son. Sorry for rambling, as mentioned before there are several issues to try to sort out and resolve. Thank you for your time!

Wish I had a great answer for you.

Fundamentally, it's a character issue, and your H is displaying his lack of same. I have a few questions tho that may perhaps clarify somethings.

o) This "gap" between your son and H was not present while you were dating? So this is a new development? Because if the pattern was there before hand, marriage and proximity only makes the situation worse, so this isn't really surprising.

o) Have you considered counseling with your H? I doubt he will attend given his attitude, but I have ot ask.

o) Did you guys discuss "how to parent" prior to getting married, and he's not sticking with the agreement? Or was it never really brought up and is now a new problem?


Ultimately, it really boils down to character. Your H should be extending the olive branch simply as an act of maturity, and out of respect for you. But he doesn't display that respect towards you now, so I see no reason for him to do it for your son. It kind of makes me wonder why he's been married 4 times and how you ended up with him.

Blended families are difficult. The bonds between people are outside the "normal" balance and the ages of the relationships are all skewed.

As to how to solve it? I'm not sure there are too many options. Your son needs to exhibit exemplary behavior towards his stepdad. But nothing you guys can do will force your H to change. You might try seeing if there are some reasonable boundaries that you can hold to that might getyour H to see the unfairness of his actions. But off the top, nothing comes immediately to mind.

Double standards are grossly unfair to everybody involved and just build resentment. But it's difficult to get people to see that. Given that there are just a couple years left wtih your son around, your H may not be seeing "investing" in the relationship as anything worthwhile.