dear Wh
Let me start this letter with I care for you a great deal and love you to the depths of my soul.right now my heart is breaking but i don't see any other way. I am dying a little everyday because of the things you are doing. I don't hate you but right now I don't like you very much. you know the children have always come first with me. No matter which child you fathered you hurt one you hurt me to.DD11 is very hurt and angry right now instead of being the kind and understanding father that she has come to love. You turned on her and hurt her more then words can say. Are you going to turn on DD2 in she doesn't agree with you. I will not stand for mistreatment of either of my children. The least you could do is respect her opioions and views even if the don't agree with yours. but to creully turn on her is very devestating to her. she has as much to say so as anyone in what happens in her life. she isn't a little girl anymore and she has a mind of her own. I cannot tolarate your disrespect of her or me any longer.
I have no idea what is going through your head. she trusts you to do whats best for her. you would have never done this before. i will not allow you to hurt her anymore. by the time you read this we will be gone. this is not to hurt you or make you angry. It is to protect myself because you are killing me.
Your lack of respect has cut me very deeply and I can't recover here. I can't breath I feel like i am being smothered. i don't like who i am when you attack me and i have had enough emotional abuse. i can't take anymore and survive. In time when i am more stable i will contact you and let you know where we are.
I will drop a check by the lawyers for the bankruptcy. so that will be taken care of.
If in the coming months you decide that you would like your family we can discuss it. I make you no promises.
You have no idea how much you mean to me and the girls. But you cannot continue to hurt us for your own selfish reasons.


anyting else i need to edit or add let me know

joanna - This is not a Plan B letter. I realize that you are very hurt right now, so please don't send it. If you want to go into Plan B, do it the right way.

joanna,

Your plan B letter is full of disrespectful judgements, I suggest you get more advice before you send it.

As is, it will surely push your WS further away from you. You are flogging him for his treatment/abandonment of kids, and I think he knows already what he is doing.

The standard is to tell your WS how much you love them, admitting what your faults were,( and hopefully you have tried to recitify those faults and tried to meet your WS's needs in a good plan A), Then you say in order to preserve your love for WS you can have no contact, enlist a intermediary(sp) and say when he ends it with op and wants to make a go of it let you know, until then, no contact, ending with and ILY.

I don't see much of the above in your letter. Have you done a good plan A? Have you avoided LBing, etc. That letter is full of LB's. No disrespect intended.

I am hearing all of your hurt and accusations, but what Plan are you in? If you are doing this, it is not helping.
Good luck and God Bless,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Dear Joanna,

Don't send the letter as is. Let's work on refining it into one that will produce better results. Keep the letter as your guideline because right now this is how you feel.

Here are my thoughts:

1. When you say you are leaving, your words sound like you c/b doing something drastic. He could use your own letter against you and take your children away.

2. Rethink your strategy and make it more productive. You can say that you are looking for the man who used to be the loving H and father of your home. Right now, the one inhabiting his body is not the same person and he is scaring both you and your children. Let him know you love your H but not the WS. Show the distinction. As a result, there will need t/b some distance in your R. He is still t/b responsible for his obligations but he will no longer be allowed to give emotional abuse to you and the children. NO details, just lay out the rules. He will probably ask for clarification but he does not deserve any. Let him wonder what steps you may be taking and you need to take some steps to secure you understand your rights.

The police don't take kindly to spousal abuse. Even more so when children are involved. Answering domestic abuse calls are one of the most volitale kinds of calls. In our case 4 PDs showed up and the WS was angry. He cussed out the officers while the other was taking my case down. All the officers were bigger than the WS but the energy that WS showed and his rude behavior was embarressing. It was wild and scary to see my H (then WS) act that way. It brought me to tears then whe handcuffed him but the officer was there to reassure me they would not harm but since he was getting violent in his verbal abuse this was a necessary precaution.

I agreed. I was asked if I wanted to press charges but since they saw him push me into the front door (not hard mind you), it was enough for them to press charges. That 1 incident put the WS in jail for 2 1/2 days. He got out and there was a 7 day RO against him so he got to spend the rest of his time by his choice with the OW. That honeymoon didn't last long. By the end of the time, he was on phone to me begging me to let him come home and the OW was in the background telling me to 'take him L., take him back.' LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Okay redid letter and borrowed some from others let me know what needs fixing.

Dear wh
i write to you today with sorrow but also with a sense of peace and hope for my own future.
I love you with all my heart and my commitment to you and our marrage is unending. i have always been proud of you, proud to have you as my husband and proud of the man you were. you where always a wonderful father to dd11 and dd2.and i respect you more then you will ever know
I regret that we find our selves in this place that is so lonely and confusing for both of us. until june i did not realise how miserable you were. i did not realise how my inability to disapline the children on my own and my lax approach to keeping the house clean and the selfish way i approached our life together affected you. I was lost in my depression and didn't know. I didn't know that you needed more from me in my support of you and your needs. i didn't understand your needs or how to meet them at the time.
i have done a lot of soul searching over the weeks we have been apart and believe i have found the tools we need to make a marriage in which we can be joyful,loving and supportive. i have made many changes in my life over the last month, some you have seen ,some you haven't and some you never will see. i must continue with my changes and have to demonstrate to myself that it is possible and that they are peremanent. i still have much work to do but every success i make positive changes. my hope is that i will be able to share this bright future with you.
i have been trying to find the husband that i love. the person that is inhabiting his body now is not the loving husband and father i am searching for. his behavior is scaring the children and i. there will be no more emotional abuse of me or the children. i expect you to continue your obligations to me and the children. the money for the bankruptcy has been paid so that can go ahead as planned. i will require xxxx dollars a month support for me and the children. and i am sure you can handle the details of every thing else.
as my hope for the future increases so does my sorrow over how easily i have been cast aside by you. i find my love for you dying. in order to preserve the love i still have for you and to stop my bitterness from overwhelming me, i must remove you from my daily life. i will avoid seeing you or speaking with you on the phone. i must give myself a fresh start in a happy, positive enviorment. this is not a punishment. this is a safeguard of my love for you so that should there come a time when we both can commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, ther will still be love and hope there in which to do it.
if you need to contact me about the children call your mother she will be able to reach me.
wh i have the greatest confidence that we could have a wonderful marriage if we both commit to making it happen. i have learned so much the last month and would like nothing more then to share it with you.
should there come a time when you feel you could commit to trying to build a new life with me it is something that i would discuss with you. for me a commitment for r would include
1. an agreement for you to break all contact with ow
2.an agreement for you to seek ic with dr h
3. a letter to ow stating that you wish no further contact with her ever
4. an agreement to go to marriage counseling with me

my hope is that you will think hard in this and choose this commitment. if you do i would welcome a discussion with you about it. until then i ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.you have always been more then my husband and lover, but my best friend wh and i can't imagine whom i would rather spend the rest of my life with.

i have always loved you
joanna

Joanna,

I think you've got the gist of it but a bit too long. Also letting him know you love him too much is not a postive act. At least not to a WS. Shorten it up a bit and cut back on the ultimatums.

Let's get others to throw in their 2 cents. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Joanna, have you made it clear that he is not to take those kids around the OW? I am wondering why an 11 yr old child was put in this position in the first place? She should have never had to have that conversation with her dad because it should have come from you before he ever picked them up. How did this happen?

Bump. Looking for more input. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

melody
I made it clear a month ago children where not to be around other women. He took it upon his self to do what ever he wanted. and had a cow when dd11 Stated her rules as she calls them. 1. dd2 is not to go anywhere without her.2. no going to ow house doesn't want to meet her. 3 If introduced to ow will have a talk with her and she won't like it. Tell her to back off. These are her rules not mine. she came up with them on her own. I did not know what was happening until he pulled up in the drive 20 min after they left. it was ugly to say the least. he came after me as soon as he got out of the truck. yelling at me about the kids weren't suppose to be a part of this. and I told him you make them apart of it when you drag them into your dirty business( i know wrong choice of words). he stormed off after i made it clear he could not take one child if he did not take the other. he was angry and threatened a d again. so thats the jist of it