D-Day for me was about 2 weeks ago.
We never seemed to have any problems in the M. About 2 years ago, my WW had a miscarriage. We had been trying to have kids for a long time and when we lost this one it was devastating. After a while we started to try again. My WW said she was fine and ready to try again. But my W has always had trouble opening up and being honest with me. During the time we were trying to start a family, my WW started working longer hours and having more overnight trips. It eventually got to where we had not spent a whole week together in over a year. I was always supportive of my WW's career and accepted whatever time we could have together. Then one day out of the blue, she quits her job. After 3 months of being unemployed, she tells me she doesn't ever want to have kids, and is not in love with me anymore. No mention of the A. I argued with her about it and said I think we can re find our romance, and we should work on our marriage. She agreed, but then left a week later, because she needed to find her self and was unhappy. During this time she found a new job. We were apart for 3 months, and she wanted to come back. About a week after she moved back in the house, I found out about the A. So in about 3 months I went from a happily married H working on starting a family to a BS, who will never have kids with a WS who is unhappy, needs to find herself, and is not in love with me anymore. A few to many body blows.
Anyway, that's where I am now. WW admit to the EA/PA, and says it ended months ago. I believe her (and the evidence I found supports that) and I want to work on the M. I came to MB and I decided to go with Plan A. My WW, also says she is wants to work on the M. We are planning on going through the LB and EN questionaires and see if that gives any insight.
Some things I would appreciate any advice on.
As I said, I am going with plan A. Every time I try to do something to meet her EN's she responds with indifference. It seems like nothing I do or say can touch her emotionally. I keep trying and I sense that she views it as somehow phony, smothering her, or not sustainable. Is this normal?
She still has to travel a lot for her work. Whenever she is gone (like now). My emotions run all over the place. Her career is very important to her. I'm very supportive of her career and always have been. I'm scared to ask her to dial it back. If she does, she will not be happy. If she doesn't, I feel like I'm repeating one of the things that got me here in the first place. Any creative ideas on neogiating around WW's career. What can I do to still let her have her career, and satisfy the current trust and time apart issues?
I have always tried to fix things. I'm in this big hurry to get our M moving in the right direction. So I bring up ideas to my WW all the time. She is always luke warm about them. She seems as if she would rather just forget the A ever happened and just go back to the way things were. She never iniatates any discussion on the topic and when I bring it up she immediately gets in a bad mood and trys to change the subject. Its almost like working on our marriage is now a LB. I'm sure my obsession with always trying to solve her problems is part why I'm here. But do I just sit and wait and not bring up the discussion or do it anyway even if it is a LB. I only ask because I think there are some ground rules I'd like us to negotiate right now. i.e. overnight stays for business.
My WW has a hard time expressing herself. She can be prideful and stubborn at times. I feel like she is just saying what she thinks I want to hear. She does not want to cause me anymore hurt. But if she doesn't open up, I think we are doomed to repeat history. Any tips on helping a WW who was/is depressed, probably a MLC, feels guilty about what happened and seems convinced that I would be better off without her, but won't say any of this or ask for help. I love her dearly. What are the words or actions that can get her to open up.
I would appreciate any advice. I really think the next week or so is important. I don't think anything is going to get really fixed, but I am afraid I could really make things worse.
Sorry for the long post.
