My husband and I share custody, he is the primary I am the secondary. Due to financial issues I had to move in with my parents recently to try and get back on my feet.

I call my kids every night, and since I've been gone (10.5 hrs away) My xh's mother has been staying with them more.

My xmil has never accepted me and since the seperation/divorce she has been completely supportive of everything her son has been doing. She was even caught once bad mouthing me in ear shot of my oldest son who told me.

Last night I was talking to my dd5 when she asked her grandma for a glass of water. Her grandmother said she can have a glass of water if she gets off the phone. What?! Who does she think she is? I am very angry, and I've only been gone 3 weeks and she is trying to alienate me.

Is there legal action I can take if this continues with her?

I wouldn't get too worked up over it. A 5 yr old needs two hands to drink a glass of water. Grandma doesn't need a mess to clean up.

Try not to see conspiracy in all of her actions.

I agree with ba109. GM's ruling was reasonable. And don't forget, blood is thicker than water. You are now persona nongrata to your XH's mother. Of course she's going to side with him, just as your mother will side with you. You just have to get used to this, since it's never going to change. Her badmouthing you in front of your children is not a problem you can or should deal with. This is their father's job. Speak to him about it in a non-judgemental way and allow him to handle it. There are no legal issues here.

brokenwings2...God...I know how you feel. My STBX MIL is a horrible woman and will do mean stuff to make me look bad to my son. There really isn't anything you can do. My son is 9 and he sees what his grandmother is doing and doesn't like it. He will make his own decision about her based on these things. He already tells me that she's mean and he doesn't like her. Sad! She did this all by herself though.
Your kids will see that your XMIL isn't being nice and hopefully they will let her know how they feel in time. Hang in there.

She probably did say that nasty comment on purpose. If she's anything like my STBX MIL it was meant for you to hear. Just laugh it off.

I disagree. 10.5 hours away is too far to see what is actually going on on a continous basis. These kids are all at a very impressional age and negative remarks from grandma can really undermine mom's relationship with the children.

Grandma did not say you can have some water "when" you get off the phone, she said child could have water "IF" she got off the phoone, big difference and I think a 5 year old is more than capable of drinking a small cup of water with one hand.

I would definately speak to a lawyer and I would definately move closer to my children

Thankyou all for replying. On one hand you're right I don't want to get my blood pressure high over nothing. The problem lies with how I know her to be. She competed with me for her son in our whole 14 yrs of marriage. She has to be the center of attention and she has to be everything to everybody...if not she literally throws tantrums.

On my sons 13th birthday, I his own mother did not even get to see him because of her manipulation. He called me finally at 7pm said he'd meet me, and she in the background said if that is your mother than I am leaving. He started to then plead with her not to go, it's all manipulation. I did not get to see him on his birthday, but (then living closer) did drive by the house just to see if she was still there, and yes she did stay ALL NIGHT.

My xh never stood up for me or our children when he was married to me let alone when we are divorced. He wasn't really raised by her, more by his grandma, but even at 36 he is so happy to finally win her love by getting rid of me. He has many times alienated me from children himself, and tried to throw money at babysitters to take my place. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. The biggest question I have is do I not have more rights in the court system if a grandparent is trying to alienate a parent? I'm not saying that I want to do something right now, but knowing her...I know what she is like, and I want to have my ducks in a row in case she continues.

I am trying very hard to move closer to kids. My xh moved the kids 2 hrs away from our previous marital home, and the town he lives is so small and desolate I tried for 2.5 months to get a job ANY JOB and could not find one. This is what forced me back to my home town I went broke looking for a job to be closer to my kids.

Thanks again for all your input.

Man, that's a tough situation, BW2. Still there is ntohing you can do about her. Next time you are with your children, have a little chat with them about the situation. Don't be disrespectful of grandmother, but you must let them know that she's got some serious emotional problems. You have to be strong for them and let them know by your actions that grandmother's wrong. This will backfire on her, you know. If you're being a good mother to your son, he will grow to resent and distrust granny and her manipulations. Boys don't like having their mother badmouthed.

[color:"blue"] I guess this is going to sound harsh but you need to hear this. The longer your children stay in that situation the harder it will be for you to regain custody.

Are you listening? Once a "status quo" is set up, then it will be seen as disruptive to change the environment that the children are currently enjoying. Which means your ex OR or ex in-laws will have custody of your children.

You will shortly become the secondary custody parent - just as soon as enough time has passed for your ex to establish the children's living condition. You will be lucky if you get to see the children on holidays and summers.

Please, if you want to remain in your children's lives, move back and take control or file with the court for the children to live with you at your parent's house.

V. [/color]

I am already by law the "secondary" parent in my childrens lives. He won primary custody of the children in the divorce, he had a lawyer...I did not. I did not just leave my kids the courts allowed my ex husband to take them away with only one fact...he had more money.

It has been a nightmare, because I have struggled very hard to get and to have a life with my children, and he moved to a desolate area. I'm still praying that I can find a job there. They have won in court and they use that any time they can to their advantage as a "power trip". Nice to ask the kids just once what they wanted.

My oldest son already sees some of the crap, he is old enough to live with me as soon as I get back on my 2 feet. That still does not take away the fact that my ds8 and dd5 will still be there. I want my family back, and was astonished that the courts could do this to a stay at home mom and mother with no record, no drug tests, nothing only his accusations in which in the end he did not prove or have to. It was shocking. The only thing the judge or lawyer cared about was the fact that he made a lot of money.

I used to believe in the laws, I used to think that the truth prevails. I don't know what to believe anymore. The courts failed me, and most of all it failed my babies.

[color:"blue"]Broken,

I really feel sorry for you and your children, however I find myself wondering about your story.

The courts will generally give the children to the stay at home mom simply because she spent the most time with them and the courts will want to continue the status quo. Now, if you allowed your ex to move away with the children or you left the area voluntarily and left the children with him, then a new status quo is established and he would win custody.

As far as money is concerned, the court will assign court fees to the other party (your ex) if you are unable to pay. There are also free legal services available if you are unable to pay through the county. These services were set up so that battered women could get divorce and custody settlement with legal aid.

Generally ladies and gents - he who hires a lawyer wins if the other party does not have a lawyer - remember that when you start thinking you can't afford a lawyer. Get a credit card then get a lawyer...

I speak from experience - I signed over primary custody of my dd#2 after being hounded through court for 4 years to the tune of $20,000 in legal fees. At the time I made $15,000 a year. Judges hear unfounded accusations every day and pay very little attention to them. I lost the battle due to unfounded accusations which his lawyer used to stall the hearings which would have straightened them out until a new status quo was established. And that is how it was decided and is always decided - status quo.

Unless one parent is abusive, or a drug user, or co-habitates with a drug user/abuser, and the other parent can prove it, then status quo is maintained until a significant change of circumstance can be shown to exist.

I'm not saying broken wings is any of these things. I'm just wondering if she is confused as to what is necessary to get her family back. Living 10 hours away is certainly not going to help.

I know this is hindsight for you, however, it might have been VERY possible to stop him from moving if you had done it when he moved.

V.[/color]

He did this by filing a restraining order against me. I could not go home, the kids were in the home and this started a huge battle. He told the kids that I was abusive, which is a lie, but the courts made a quick temporary custody order to him since he was in the home and the restraining order kept me from going near him.

It took me 4 months to get all of that cleared up, and by the 2nd time we went to court and his claims were unfounded and charges were dropped against me...he hired his lawyer 2 weeks prior knowing that I could not afford one.

I had gone before many lawyers, with his claims they saw a huge fight on their hands and all wanted $5000 down. I went to legal aid during this time, legal aid told me to get an apt, at least a 2 bdrm, and get my kids back. So I started working 2 jobs fulltime to get out of my car and get my own apt. I went back to legal aid and they told me I was making too much money for legal aid!!! Yet at that time I now needed both jobs to keep the apartment. I also went to lawyers and explained the situation and asked them to make him pay for the attorney, I was informed by 2 attorneys that they don't do that.

All the while...I was fighting a system that wanted nothing to do with a woman who didn't have custody of her kids. No government agency would help me at all. After all was said and done, he could not even bring his sick accusations of me into court (he knew they were lies) and we divorced on 12 months seperation law. He was awarded primary custody because he had a lawyer and I was not represented, he also makes really good wages. Basically I was harrassed and bullied by him and his lawyer. Looking back at this year and a half, I don't know what I could have done any different than I did. I tried so hard to get my kids back and believed that the truth would be told. His first attempts with restraining order backfired, I thought that it should have been over but it wasn't, he had his lawyer get another restraining order. I asked him for what? He replied with a smirk "You don't need a reason to get a restraining order." This story honest to God did happen in the state of South Carolina. I worked with a woman whos husband did the identical same thing and he also got the kids.

Now I've called lawyers thinking that since I did manage joint custody of the kids meaning only 2 days a week verses 2 days every 2 weeks. The lawyer said I would now have to prove him unfit, and just to begin the proceedings I would have to pay $10,000 to begin.

As far as the credit card, I wish because I would have done it in a heartbeat. I couldn't pay my bills let alone a credit card being stupid enough to give me a balance. I was only making $8.50 an hour and trying to pay rent and utilities on that. At this point I am so frustrated with what happened and how it happened I don't know if there is anything else I can do. I don't do drugs, children services has never been called on me, I was always at home with them, I was the one that was always there. I always took great care of the kids and if I had a lawyer the kids would have had a voice to speak about this and tell the courts that their dads accusations were not true.

[color:"blue"] BW,

Sorry about doubting your story - I belong to custody boards where trolls come in with sob stories and made up lives in order to get the people on the board to buy into their sick day to day entertainment needs.

That being said, I think you have a shot, but you would have to work very hard for yourself.

You will have to become your own attorney.

I got shafted in 2 divorces because I am a nice person and did not know anything about the law or what to ask for or how to protect myself and my assets and interests from a divorce. The 3rd divorce I was so sick of feeling like I was running in circles with relationships etc., that I did a two-year self improvement course. I read every relationship book and self help book I could get my hands on, and I read legal book and state statutes and bought case law books until I understood exactly what I could and could not ask for and what I could expect to get in a divorce.

My last divorce (hopefully THE LAST DUH-VORCE)I did my own research to provide my lawyer with ammunition. A lawyer will not do much in the way of research for you. They will simply represent your wishes. If your wishes are ridiculous, then they may give you a nudge, but they are being paid by you to represent your wishes and by and far that is what they will do. If you want your wishes to be realistic then you have to learn what you can ask for. If you want the judge to give you what you want, you have to have solid evidence, or case law, or the best interest of the child on your side. Additionally, YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE RIGHT AND STAND YOUR GROUND!

You seem like a smart woman and I know you can do this. Your first step would be to move back into the area where the children live. Nothing is going to happen now that you are secondary parent until you can start exercising your visitation rights and build on getting more time with the children.

PM me if you would like the addy to the custody sites I visit.

V. [/color]