I told the alien he could come by today to pick up some furniture (otherwise it will be going to goodwill) and some of his belongings. I have also told him he can have whatever it is he wants out of the house...he has sent me emails confirming that he has PLEDGED to let me have all the furniture! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So yesterday when speaking with him, he told me that I only married him for the money and that I only wanted the lifestyle and that **I** would take him back in a heartbeat JUST FOR THE LIFESTYLE! is he HIGH???

There is no reasoning with him...I just let him talk and then say "is there anything else" I did tell him he could go ahead and justify this...he can go ahead and THINK what he wants, but that I did love him at one time, but I woul dnever dream of taking him back now.

I have also realized that if you are comfortable in your own skin then you should not worry what goes on outside of your own control. This comes from a conversation, or several about him referring to me having a man in my life. About me trying to REPLACE him as the kids father. WTF???

I have come to the conclusion that HE is not comfortable with his own fatherly duties and therefore is afraid that a man will replace him....I would never force a man to replace him being their father...biologically he IS their father. HOWEVER, the boys can make their own assumptions and choices. IF a man comes into my life and is doing things with them that their own father never did or never DOES, then they can be close to him...He will always be their "father", but he has done a lousy job so far.

Each time he picks them up, he takes them to eat. Lately he has taken them to the PAWN SHOP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He buys them toys and I have to deal with the fighting over them. I am the oone who says you cant play with the toy. I have told him now that if he wants to buy them toys "GREAT, but keep them at your place" he says he can do whatever he wants with them...Yes, you can, however, you buy the toys, please keep them at your place for them to play with there!

another thing is that he has NEVER played with the boys...ie, baseball, basketball, taken them to the beach, swimming, etc...One time he took DS6 to baseball practice...I met them up there...all the dads were out on the field. Where was alien? In his car asleep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Yup, THAT is the kind of dad he is. It is always, later, or when I have more time...now it is when I get my own place...which btw, he has bought a place, but cant move in until Sept!

Sooo, how do I deal with this man...He is threatening to cut me off the debit card, and is basically offering me the bare minimum on CS! We dotn go to mediation until Spt 6 now.

He is afraid now that I will meet someone and introduce them to the man...Well, ummmm...he said he hasn't introduced them to OW..I told him to be my guest...they have no desire to meet her, but if he wants to he can. they hate her. and the difference is that she is the one who broke up this family in their eyes....so if I ever do meet someone, it will not be a threat to them.

The only thing he has on me now is the money. He is controlling every cent. cuz he CAN. he is being so vindictive. I will be on the street in a month if this keeps up. I cant pay bills. I cant eat. It is ridiculous!

nyway, he is comign today to get some stuff. Any advice! I am working diligently on getting the house ready to show!

stop this now

no more threads telling the MB world what lousy character the father of your children has ...

just stop

this habit looks bad on you

change it

please share us with your most recent accomplishments

My most recent accomplishments? I have just finished painting my boys room and stripping the wallpaper down...I have cleaned out ever closet in my house, I have cleaned out two sheds...I have mowed the lawn..I am signed up for school! I am looking forward to the new school year.

He came over and he was mean. He didn't take anything I offered him. I will stop saying what a bad man he is. I juist get so angry at him. Because he's so mean to me and tries to control me.

I'm sorry for my rant. Please forgive me!

Now he wants to reconcile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He is hurting and so are you. It is easier to make you the scapegoat than to look at what a mess he's made of his life and how he has hurt you and the boys. I am surprised he can get up in the morning and look at himself in the mirror ..let alone OW.

Be your better self ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

YOU have accomplished a LOT ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We all must reconcile to ourselves before we can offer a better relatonship to another.

Reconciling a healthy marriage requires both spouses make themselves whole and well.... otherwise, what's the point of reconciling 2 habitually broken people?

That's why it's important you stick to your personal work ... leave him to his. Don't do his character inventory. Do yours <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I know you are frustrated. Learn how to deal with your frustration in ways that elevate yourself, not lower yourself.

And ... when he says something about "want to reconcile"

say something like this....

"I am not ready. I have much self-work to do. When I feel I am ready to reconcile, I will let you know."

see? No fight ... make it yours.

THIS is it right here! I have worked soooo hard on reconciling MYSELF! I think I have come a looong way and accomplished so much...NOOO, I have not gotten a job...I have not even looked...HOWEVER, I have almost healed MYSELF. I have worked on my anger...Yes, I still get angry and I am still bitter at TIMES...but only when he blames ME for his actions...I have really tried to let it go.

I WILL go back to work if I have to, in order to support these boys. He called and I asked him why he is so mean to me...I told him if he could just be NICE and CORDIAL, then this be so much easier. He said he didnt' know why...he is mad at himself for doing this...He doesn't know how to deal...then he sees me, and he gets agrier...I asked him WHY? He said cuz he loves me still and wants to work this out...

I told him IT CANT WORK out in the condition it is in...is he going to KILL the OW...nooo...so what makes THIS time so different...nothing will change!

I called him on it and I said "ok, fine, you want to reconcile, we'll talk in mediation" then I took it one step further, cuz he REALLY sounds like he wants to do this..."OK, fine, you want to reconcile, you and OW come over tonight for dinner...and you can tell HER in front of ME what you just said to ME"

OH NO! he cant do that!

Anyway, I am reallly, really trying to see my future...There are a few options I have thought about as far as a career goes!

1. I can stay in my current field of Criminal Justice...which is my passion...however, this is a very small town and not a lot available.

2. I can do a quick fix and go for a real estate lisence, go to beauty school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />,

3. I can get an RN degree..which is not what I want...but they have a two year program here

4. I can go back to school and start over with my education degree(which is what I really want to do)

HOWEVER, he is again threatening not to help me until I get on my feet and can get my degree under belt! I can do this in 2 - 3 years with some fast track courses and summer school! It will be a lot of work, but I am determined to provide the best for my kids!

One thing he will not do, is take me down and strip me.

Another reason I get so worked up, is because EVERY TIME we speak...he brings up reconciliation. WHY does he do this? because he can see me moving on? Why cant he just let go and move on...I just dont get it!

cross posting Pepper! I try to do that...but he just keeps on and on...

I did do something though that you will like! He was standing at the doorway taking stabs at me and telling me how he is going to take me down in court and bla bla bla...I just looked at him and said "anything else you need to talk about" he said "no, I just want to stand here and talk mean to you and take stabs at you" I told him to have at it but that I needed to get back to work...i left him there door open and walked upstairs!

He slammed the door and left...

I try really hard NOT TO raise my voice and nto to engage in the nonesense he creates. I tell him if he wants to take me down, that's fine. If he wants custody, that's fine...just fight me for it. If it makes him feel better to blame me, fine...go ahead...however, I wont engage in his verbal abuse. I am pleasant when I see him, very rarely btw...

I'm not really sure why he showed up her today...He was suposed to take some furniture..He didnt'..he was suposed to get up in th attic...he didn't..he just said those things and left..>I gave him his suits and military uniform and that was it! He looked around and that was it!

When he blames you for his actions, it does not mean it is true.

Think about why this makes you angry. This is something you can work on and practice detaching from him.

When this stops making you so angry, he may stop doing it.

Susan

Let's don't talk about him. Let's talk about YOU. Why can't you stop letting this make you angry and move on?

You don't get it? You won't get it. You are not going to figure out why he does the stuff he does, so stop trying.

Focus on you and your children. Decide what you want to do and go for it.

And please, do not engage in this drama with him. Inviting him and OW both to dinner? I hope you would NOT do this to your kids if nothing else. That is just asking for pain and hurt. Why even mention this?

Susan

When this stops making you so angry, he may stop doing it.

highlighted for emphasis

get it?

You said ---> "I try really hard NOT TO raise my voice and nto to engage in the nonesense he creates."

then you said ---> " I tell him if he wants to take me down, that's fine. If he wants custody, that's fine...just fight me for it. If it makes him feel better to blame me, fine...go ahead...however, I wont engage in his verbal abuse. "

you engaged in your nonsense

just stop

your nonsense is trying to get him to see things your way

just stop

Of course I would not do that to my kids...it was just said to prove that he is not serious. He just talks from his butt...so I threw that out there and his answer was NO, I cant do that to her!

I get to a point where I feel soooo good...then he brings me down...It is HIS way of controlling me...and I do think I am doing a good job and not letting HIM see me so angry...I get angry then I vent here. I dont call him unless I have to, which is almost never...we have the temp orders in place and are ordered by the court NOT TO talk to each other if we cannot do it civily!

I did call him the other day and left a very pleasant message. I just said "I have a box of your stuff ready for you to take, so when you dro pthe kids off tonight, you can take your box." end...

Well, he was 15 minutes late picking the kids up...I had an appt to see a house that night...then had to run to home depot. I had not planned on being late coming home, but he only takes them for a whole hour and 1/2, so it did not give me a lot of time...I was 10 minutes late coming home..I pulled up to the front of th house and rolled down my window. I said "I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to run to Home Depot" he was mean and said "the scheduled time is 7:30"

And??? sooo he can be late anytime he wants, but I cant be late!

I am pleasant and I laugh a lot. I have many new friends. One of them went with me to court.

Susan, it is so funny how I can tell someone else the same thing you just told me...but I cant do it myself. I KNOW I cant figure out WHY he does this stuff...It just urks me that he cannot move on...he cant let me go...and I guess that is what I dont understand.

In all honesty, I think that it is he does not want me to move on with another man...he could care less about anything else, but he doesn't want ME to be with anyone else.

stop venting here ... you know he reads this

Becasue he threatens to get the kids FULL custody... I ddn't raise my voice. I try to find ways to just end the conversation and in order to do that, I try to just go along with him...by telling him if he wants to do that, then do it and stop threatening...by saying "fight me for it" i mean in court.

By saying blame me for it...he is going to do it anyhow, so go ahead and do it. yes, I am giving him justification, but the way his mind works, he wants me to lash out at him...he wants the drama...he wants me to FIGHT him and ARGUE with him...he wants all that stuff..so by me just saying to do it, it shuts him up...HE cant argue with me if I just tell him to do what he is alrady doing...I know the truth...He KNOWS the truth. if he wants to blame me to make him feel better, that is HIS choice.

I was a bad wife...I didnt' work...I stayed home...I dint' do this...I didnt' do that...

and on and on...He is only trying to make me the devil incarnate...and in his mind I AM! But we all know better...I KNOW I was a good wife and mother...not perfect by any means, but good.

Please do not get frustrated with me...just keep talking to me...I am TYRING to get thru this...and you are helping me...

for some reason, I have fallen back into the fog today...and I think I know why...because he again, said he wants to reconcile...Dammit, it just confuses me...it sends me into a tail spin...

I KNOW I cannot reconcile with him...I know it will NEVER work out...I cannot and will not let him bring me down again...

No he doesn't...why do you think that? He hasn't a clue I still post here! He doesn't know my new name

he would have said something to me by now..

do you really think he reads here? I dont think he does, otherwise I would not take the chance on posting here...have you seen him? if you have, then I will delete all my posts from this thread..

MT3B....

You know...I think you want to believe him that he wants to reconcile...and it is frustrating you and hurting you every time he shows he's not for real. It hurts you that he says this because you do want it and you know he'll never walk the walk.

Maybe this is a disrespectful judgement on my part. But your words scream it.

I think you WANT to move on. But I think you're having a hard time doing it. I think you WANT to be happy...and are making steps in that direction--but you're allowing yourself to be sucked in. You keep denying that you're being sucked in, but being sucked is exactly what is happening.

Maybe you need to be angry with him in order to get over him. That's okay..I can understand that as I needed a little of that myself. However despite your words, you seem to invite him to do things to anger you.

I'm sorry if this hurts you. But you seemed to be doing SO well for awhile and now you seem to be backsliding.

Did you realize when you threw it out there that YOU were talking from YOUR butt?

because like you say, you didn't think he would do it..

So, why bother?

Susan