He only brings you down if you let him. You give him the permission. Don't put the blame on him.

He only controls you if you let him. He does NOT have this much power to have control over you.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey moving! Long time not talk, this is neverenough,,, hmm maybe you know me better as stuckinamess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to talk about your education a bit. I'm not sure if you know, my Bachelors is in Criminal Justice. I too, am considering going back and getting my credential to teach junior high!

If you stay in Criminal Justice, what is it you would want to do? I absolutely love teh entire law enforcement community. My dad was an office for 23 years and is now a private investigator, I do some work for him every once in awhile. My dh is a police officer also. I made some stupid choices when I was younger which stop me from working in the law enforecement career field. I often think I would do it if I could, then I think of how it would be for the girls, to have two parents in law enforecement, yes I know it can be done, but it would be hard on them. That's why I'm wondering what you would like to get into, how would it be for the boys etc?

SO, like I said, I'm considering the next best thing. Teaching junior high. I would really like to teach at a continuation school and do some gang work. Teaching would give me the opportunity to still be around a lot more for the girls, and the most part share their school schedule.

If your heart isn't in nursing don't do it!! How many college units do you have? Can you subsitute teach? Have you looked for any programs that will allow syou to teach and they help you get your credential?

Please take care of yourself. I think of you often!

Mom -

I feel kind of the same way as you do. I've been doing this for 3 years now. I think people don't understand that when the WS is controlling, and uses money to control, it is very difficult.

I am in the process of getting a D, but my WH is hiding. I can't get the papers served. I always expect others to think like me. If I had an OM, and was no longer living with my husband, I would go ahead and get the D. But my WH is not that way.

Today, my car got towed. It was parked by my house while I was at a garage sale. I went to pick it up, but they will not release it to me, because it is WH's name. They wanted to see court papers, which I don't have because I can't get WH served. It just goes round and round.

You did not hurt my feelings at all! You are right! I DO move on, then he knows what to do to get me back down and YES< I do let him...HOWEVER...he does not SEE it...I only vent here! I do feel safe here and I do not suspect he lurks here anymore!

It's like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back...and I ALLOW myself to do it!

I think I am also scared...I am scared financially, cuz he is so powerful in that aspect...He KNOWS he controls the money and he CAN give me all he wanted to, but he WONT. and THAT is a control thing...that is the ONLY thing he feels he has control over right now and he DOES...I act like it does not bother me and I will be ok...I know I will!

Why do I let him get to me so? Probably because I am aslo scared to let go of the family? Porbably in my HEART I want to still work it out...but I KNOW in my mind it cant...I am scared of what the future holds...I know I will be ok, but getting there is going to be a struggle.

I've been a SAHM for 10 years. I dont do well with people telling me what to do...haha!

As far as CJ...I am just fasinated with crime. Always have been. As a child I felt I could save the world. still do sometimes. I've gone from social worker, to PI, to Juvenile probation officer. I would love to go into Criminology. As far as credits..I have apprx 100.

I have chosen education for the sole purpose of being ther for my kids and being a single mother. the money isn't great, but the hours are. I can make it as a single parent and being a teacher. nursing is long hours and not for me. CJ, very long hours and would take me away too much from the boys.

Susan, at the time I say those things, I want to see what he will say...I can resist only so much...

I'm pulling my head back out again...I'm moving on down the road...still painting the room...Thanks for not giving up on me! sorry for my ranting here

MF4M - Please listen to the wise people here. Please, please try to detach yourself from him. I know it is easy for others to give advice when not directly involved. But perhaps those who read your posts can get a clearer picture than you can because you are right in the middle of it.

I know the advice given here may seem a little heavy-handed at times - but it is so true !!! This is very good advice you have been given by Pep, Susan and others. Please try to use it for your own good and the good of your children.

God Bless you and help you get through this.

Carnation

Believer said:

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

this ranks BLOWS BIG TIME on the affair-suckage meter

sorry.....

I AM listening...and it is SINKING in...today I just took a few steps back...but I will be OK tonight! I thought I was stronger, but I guess I am not...I have to get a better grip...

stop YOURSELF from entering the crazy world of
---> "If WH would only understand X-factor, he'd stop acting like a jerk"

fairyland kandy .... mind YOUR business

Ok, Pep! But please do not use a Y at the end of my name! it's spelled KANDI <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I knew that! sorry kand[color:"red"]i[/color]

When he says he wants to reconsile he never seems to back it up with anything concrete that he will do to solve the OW/OC dilema in a realistic way...so as not to be a further threat to you happiness and as well as your children's security. He never has a believable plan that you can trust him to follow through with.

Just for once I am sure you'd like him to think of someone besides himself and what he wants...which continues to be fixes from both OW and you. He still wants both from what his actions have shown.

You get stronger every time you have constructive time away from his drama and chaos. Keep getting stronger yourself. A great example of someone moving on has been Formerly GG. Of course he doesn't have 3 little ones.

I think it's great that you've been accomplishing so much with your closets and painted etc. I know I feel much more centered and calm when there is more order and peace in my life.

Moving,
If your WH is reading at the board, one of the first things he would notice is your email address at the bottom of each of your posts.
Perhaps you should change that.

Wishing you and your sons the very best,
DB

Kandi, I live in the Houston area. With the school year starting, you might consider working as a substitute teach. Most districts pay at least $50 a day. The district I live in pays $80 per day for a sub with a college degree. Also, if you work as a volunteer in schools your children attend, you could possibly get a job as an aide or in a school office. It is a little late to get a fulltime job, but the sub job could be an option.
Check online for school districts near you and see which ones pay the most per day. You control your schedule, so you are available to your children. Check it out, if that is something you might be interested.
You will get thru this.

Texasgirl

Texasgirl has an excellent idea! Teaching is as challenging as nursing and not being totally committed and possessing a gift for teaching, burnout comes quicker than the salary to cover the cost of education. I was a SAHM for 14 years and did sub. The problem wasn't so much the kids but politics within the school system and parents. I had a parent call me at home and yell at me for what I had said to her son. I asked her to tell me what I said and she said you know what you said. To this day I have no idea what I said to his kid. I ended up hanging up on her. Another mother who I considered a friend got mad at me for making her daughter go to the end of the line. Whew!It cured me from wanting to go back and get further education. Test the waters..

I got my real estate license last year. The market is hot now but soon will implode. There are more agents out there than need be so the competition is stiff. Unless you have some background in lending or experience with legal matters concerning real estate, you may be overwhelmed. I had years of mortgage lending experience that included loan closing which gave me the legal background. I dropped out because I lost my eyesight in January and had 2 eye surgeries with massive doses of steroids...which made me crazy. Do your research of your local real estate market.

I know laws in my state are not the same as Texas, but according to my atty, your stbx has a responsibility to keep you in a similar lifestyle while the divorce process works it way out. Call your atty and tell him/her of his threats. He can write his atty to clarify financial obligations.

I know exactly where you are. You still have a bit of denial that the whole divorce will go down. It's difficult to face such a drastic change in life especially when he yanks you back and forth. Just don't bite when he throws out that bait. I came to the point where no conversation is better. It'll make the transition easier. You're not responsibile for getting his stuff to him. Sever that connection between the two of you.