I haven't posted in awhile and I need to vent/cry/share my feelings so I thought I would post.
I know that many of you are no longer willing or interested in reading or replying to my posts, and I understand that. I haven't posted since just after the 4th of July..since then my life has not been about Plan anything. It has basically been ssdd going on, and a lot of false hope and false promises.
Over the past few weeks my WH has been coming in a out of the 'fog' all the time. I see it happen before my eyes. When he goes back into the 'fog' I feel like freaking out! On July 11th he and I had a meeting with his lawyer and the DA about many things. He still has pending legal criminal cases, as well as our ordered counseling etc. While they talked about his criminal case I left the room. During that time he asked his lawyer about putting a stop to the divorce proceedings. He said he wanted to reconcile and felt that the divorce lingering over our heads was hindering that. When I came back into the room to discuss the counseling as well as other things, his lawyer asked me my feelings on this. I told him to be honest that I didn't WANT a divorce, but I felt that Adam was not going to change his actions enough to leave me feeling that a reconciliation was possible. Adam leaned over to me and said 'Well I am.' I agreed to stop the proceedings and we filed a motion to amend the complaint for a divorce.
He has been working installing Direct TVs for about 5 weeks now. I have Monday and Wednesdays off and I have been going with him for his jobs since then. We have had a lot of good talks, and spent time together. It did us both a lot of good and was actually quite fun. When I wasn't with him he would call me in-between jobs to say hi. Some nights we would get together after work, some nights we wouldn't. On Thursday we met up after work at his parents house (where he is living). At about 9pm I got ready to leave he came out and got in his car too. I asked him where he was going. He said 'no where, just taking a nap in my car' Umm wth? It is 9pm, go to bed. So I ignored him. I got in my car and backed up to leave. As I pull out I see him pulling out as well. So I slowed down, and got behind him. I am not sure if he didn't notice me or WHAT! At the end of the road I see the OW parked her car on the side of the road waiting for him. EXCUSE ME? So I called his cell phone and asked what the deal was. He said 'leave me alone Danielle, I want a divorce, I love the OW.' Basically I broke down. I went back to his parents house, and went to bed. I knew he wasn't coming back and I was a mess! He came back to his parents house Friday morning, but after I had already left. I didn't talk to him until yesterday morning when he called me. He basically said he was sorry, he knew he was wrong, could I ever forgive him, etc. He played poor me. He said he felt like a wic to a candle about to burn out. I told him that he is the one causing his own pain, and I was sorry he was hurting but I couldn't change his pain unless he changed his behavior. So then last night I had planned to go to his parents house about 6pm for dinner and to go out on the 4-wheeler with his brother and a few friends. Adam had planned to come too, but I didn't know his current state of mind, or his current plans. I got there, he handed me the key to the 4-wheeler and said 'bye'. I asked where he was going. He said 'To see Marci (the OW)' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I said 'are you kidding?' He looked at me and said 'your so beautiful tonight Danielle, I am sorry, stop letting me hurt you, just leave' So I did. I went out for a ride as planned, and he left. I haven't talked to him since, and he left his cell phone outside on the porch so it doesn't work.
I am such a mess right now. I have allowed him to do this to me, yet again. He fills my head, he knows just what to say to make me think he is serious, when he isn't. Then he tells me things like 'I love you both'<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> 'I am so confused' and when I get upset he says 'just leave, I am a no body, I am a coward, I just make your life hell, your so much better without me' His parents WERE supportive. Now they basically don't care.
So here I sit...lost in my own body. I feel like jumping out of my own skin. I can't sit still. I just want to go find him and convince him he is messing up again. I can't....he doesn't care.

Daniell

I've read your story....I've read your updates.


so, with the above to go on, and just to be blunt,


are we going to be writing a Plan B letter and healing ourselves? Or are we going to reinstitute the Divorce proceedings??....


seems to me, anything else would really be a waste of your time....



Blunt

Why are you wasting your life on this loser.

You need to look to a brighter, saner future for you and your kids away from him. You have either become addicted to this crazy drama or are insane yourself.

Free yourself. Get far away from him. It would be the healthiest thing you could do.

Dani,

Call the DA or his attorney and tell whichever one you call that you would like a meeting or a conference call with the two of them. When that happens, you tell them you believe your WH perpetrated a fraud upon the court by inducing you to dismiss the divorce petition under false presenses - he claimed he wanted to reconcile his marriage but has done nothing to that end - he is still commiting adultery by continually seeing/sleeping with OW. Let them handle it from here.

Regards,

BB

He loves you both. He's not lying. This is it ---> the best he can be is in front of you. This is the prime rib of himself .

There is nothing else of him available on his relationship menu.

You get to decide if what he is offering is right for you.

If he were a restaurant, would you return for this meal over and over?

Dump him sweetie, this has gone on long enough and he is not gonna change. you were doing so much better without him and all this ridiculousness in your life, accept that he is a different person now, its time to go ahead with those divorce proceedings, and get on with your life!
heres me hoping that you see the writing on the wall,

hugs,
Shelly.

No, he played YOU. He is really good at this game now. The thing is...it takes TWO to play this game. If you stopped playing, there wouldn't be a game. Seems like a good idea to me.



dani, dani, dani...we told you this would happen. You said you wouldn't do this and yet, you did. We could see it the last time you posted. That is why 99.9% of the people that posted to you told you to stay away from him...and to concentrate on you. We KNEW you would do this...and that he would play you.

So, what are your plans? Are you ready to listen to the people that are offering good advice to you...or are you just going to go on with this insanity and be taken again? There comes a time when you have to stop the complaining...and start with the acting. Has this become such a way of life for you that you need it? Are you reluctant to take serious action because a part of you wants this drama in your life? Think about this dani...is your life "boring" and nondescript without it?


committed

Dani,

This isn't a contest you want to win. He's no prize anymore. And obviously isn't choosing to get over his mistakes and be a prize worth fighting for.

I know it takes time. But eventually you'll see that you are precious!

I said I wouldn't be back.

But I am.

And I am sad.

His colors are showing. He is sick. Very sick. You cannot change him.

He knows what to do, what to say.

He knows that you'll keep coming back and back and back. And the OW will keep coming back and back and back like veneral warts.

This is NOT about the OW. I must repeat this. It is about Adam and the lies adam....ABOUT THE LIES ADAM IS TELLING.

He's deceived law enforcement, his children, you, his family, his friends, and of course, he's also deceived the OW.

And he'll leave her too when a cuter little something comes flouncing around the corner. Just ask my xh's W..or should I say stbxw. He's not done yet, in the wrecking department.

Remove yourself from the insanity. Your kids DESERVE A SANE MOM...AND A DAD WHO IS HEALTHY...AND IT AIN'T ADAM DEARIE.

You tried building on quicksand. And you tried. And you did a good job, but you're also a touch of codependent ok? And you must say to yourself I CANNOT FIX ANYBODY BUT MYSELF...

What about seeing a psychologist? Staying on anti=d?

It's time to say "I AM NOT A CD..I WILL NOT BE PLAYED...MY CHILDREN DESERVE A FATHER...AND I DESERVE HAPPINESS ON MY OWN TERMS...AND I DESERVE THOSE AROUND ME TO SHOW ME LOVE AND TRUTH...IT IS MY OWN LIFE...I REFUSE TO GIVE ANY MORE OF IT TO SOMEBODY UNWORTHY...AND THAT WOULD BE ADAM.

Marci can have the damaged goods. She'll only have what is there, the garbage it is now, for a short while and then he'
ll be off cheating with somebody else. This is all about adam. It's about him getting by with things...like the cute little kid who gets caught time and time again w/his hand in cookie jar. He smiles a cute mischevious smile...gets a finger shaken at him and a "no no" and as soon as his mom walks outta room, little adam is off to climb up onto the counter top and reach for some more cookies. He never learns his lesson.

But at this point, it's not about learning a lesson for adam. Wittle poor sad wittle Adam...he's gotten his way for over a year now! It's time for him to learn that actions have consequences...but you're not listening.

He's not learning anything and I doubt he will until some later day when he is held accountable by the world and he crashes down. You need life on your own terms. Stopping the divorce gave the idiot carte blanche to do his own stuff...and I guarantee on the days you were not riding with him on the job, he was 'INSTALLIN' A BIG SATELLITE AT MARCI'S...

Do you wish to be somebody's mom or warden? I've asked you before. Or do you wish to wake up and know you're a mom who has only worries of their children and is happy and carefree and looks forward to the next day? Life is too short to let somebody else's drama be yours. Stand up for your kids. Let him go and install some cable at some other OW's house. You want, later on when you've healed and moved on, a real man capable of truth, decency, and honesty, and a guy who could be a stand up guy for your kids.

Take charge of your life. God does not guarantee us tomorrow and we should live each day if it were our last.

I treasure each moment with my son. I am divorced. I am thankful now for the peace. The man I loved was not really the man I know him to be...kinda like Adam. Maybe that's why I've posted to you. So many times I tried to save him...from himself. My profession is healing, and the best advice I got was from my best guy-friend who is a physician...and he said "hon, there's an old med phrase and it goes like this...physician heal THYSELF". I was too busy saving my xh, taking care and loving my son, that I did not concentrate on MY healing. Or MY recovery.

That's changed now.

And I do hope you will understand that this ride needs to end for peace, sanity, and clarity...and of course, safety for you and the kids.

Can you see his lies? I mean, she's an active particpant in deception too now...he's off, she's hiding at end of street. He's lying to her and he's off and on lying to you...but he came out and said it, he wants both his cake and a lil' slice of pie on the side.

Are you gonna be Marie Antionette and let him eat cake? Or will you just give him a pie in the face? I'd smack the pie in that man's face if it were me.

Revoke the carte blanche card. Separate the finances. Inform the law. Take a stand. He's not worth any more effort.

Read the book, when your lover is a liar...and the section on sociopaths. He's just like that. So is my xh. But don't wait to start life fresh. Reclaim your life for your kids...and for you.

Oh yea, don't stop learning MB principles...think how great they will be when you one day, after you have moved on and healed, when you do meet somebody worthy of you and your family....

Things will work out fine..have faith...and persevere...and above all, put the faith into action Dani.

Justpeachy, you are a true gem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Dani, please read her words over and over again until they sink in, the "wittle adam with his hand caught in the cookie jar" is the best description of him that i've ever seen.

You know, while I was making dinner earlier I was thinking of you, you have a lot more going for yourself than a lot of the women on here, you are self sufficent and do not have to depend on anyone for anything! Yet for some reason I cannot fathom,(I know, you love him) you are saddled by choice here,with a grown baby! Dont you long for a real man? Let that skank HAVE big baby man! Dani, deserves better, but until Dani can see that for herself, she's gonna be stuck playing mommy to a grown man, hoping things will get better but they wont. Things are not going to change until YOU change Dani.

Hugs to you and yours,
(but not baby man)
Shelly

Wow....I just read all of the posts real quick before I head out today...
I am overwhelmed with tears. I know you all are so right. Why do I keep fighting?
I have to go to the court today....more when I get home.

Thank you all
Danielle

Hugs 2 do the right thing...and yea, doing the right thing sometimes hurts.

If this man in the future, when left alone, to allow the cookie jar to crash down to jar, probably hurting his wittle hand, you can talk to him after...AFTER...he heals. That means psychotherapy, being CERTIFIED HE IS NO LONGER A CHRONIC LIAR, and walks the walk he talks..but until then you need to continue on a path towards peace and tranquility for you and the kids.

You do not need to be vengeful during court trials..just do what is right for the kids. Just do what is right. When you proceed or choose to do so, you will have a clean conscience. I can't tell you how good it feels to wake up and know no blood is on my hands from that marriage. Please take care and just stand up and do the right things for peace, for the kids, for your healing.

Can your M be recovered? Of course, there is ALWAYS hope, but it doesn't solely depend on YOU. Much of what needs to happen depends on HIM.

Dani, he loves and wants you BOTH. When OW gets to be too much, he runs to you ("Save me Dani...I'm sorry...") and when he feels trapped by responsibility, work, life, family and wants that excitement again he runs back to OW, ("Help me OW, my life is boring, you are exciting, I need you...")

He wants you both!

The mistake you have made is to allow him to run back and forth to you both. How can you stop him? By not allowing him to run back into your life until he's paid some very dear consequences, for instance...

OW has moved back to the state she came from (state of confusion?)

NC with OW...with a letter and PROOF that this is not continuing.

All email, phone records, communication with OW is an open book.

I would suggest the D proceedings move thorugh no matter what! That would end this stage in the M...you can always remarry.

And then only after this has continued CONSISTENTLY (2-3 months?) would you entertain teh idea of reconciling, counseling, etc...

I think you have accepted too little for too long...

Dani,
Still Here has some very good advice. When we went thru this, my H couldn't give me a definitive response about ending it. I mentally gave him a deadline, (aka as "drop dead date" or "Suspense Date") In Sep I gave birth to our 5th child. So I told myself that if I didn't have the things I needed in Jan, by our 20th anniversary, I was going to follow thru on a divorce. STarting in Jan, I would have time to get my divorce, find a place to live and get it together to move back to Texas from KY where we were stationed with the US Army. I shared none of his with him, but watched and waited. The thing in my favor was the OW lived in another state. She did contact him about coming to visit him, but he told her not to come.
If things had not improved I would have followed thru. However I didn't have to, he came too his senses.
I hope this helps you in some small way. But, I think, what you are getting here from others as advice is VERY good advice.
Take care,
Texasgirl

Dani, if *I* can do it than I know you can!!

Stop giving your power away... he will continue to hurt you as long as you let him...

Let go, it is scarey as hell at first but gets easier!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Guys and gals who have not followed Dani from beginning. Her WH is extremely toxic and the ow is as well. Both have done severe things that imho, are not actions made by those in their right minds. (showing up near midnight intoxicated and demanding 2 see the kids) among other stuff...there is so much drama from all sides (ow getting r.o., dani getting r.o., xh breaking all the r.o's) and there's been harassment and threats made to her by ow and her WH even went to court as witness FOR THE OW and stood beside OW while Dani defended herself.

He's not somebody anytime close to healing. He hasn't crashed yet. And most likely, there may be some pathology with him. Mentally. But he is a classic liar. Not once, has this man stuck to one principal since D day. He's up one day, down the next and taking that family on the drama ride of a lifetime.

He's also probably almost driven the OW nutso too.


Meanwhile, the vicious cycle remains. Adam does "something bad" (adam's words a while back), Dani gets angry. A legal motion is filed. Goes to court. Lines are drawn. Things get ugly. Steals money from the family so he can shack up with OW...Moves in with OW. Then WH waffles on OW. Sees that there are consequences for his "something bad". Severs ties w/ow. Comes home. Never sets firm plan for reconciliation and healing and psych help. Then the cycle begins again.

He's not anywhere close to repentance. He's totally out of control. Meanwhile, this sweet lady is trying to save him...and it's just not working...not because she has not tried, but b/c the CONSEQUENCES HAVE NOT BEEN SEVERE ENOUGH FOR ADAM TO QUIT STEALING FROM THE COOKIE JAR. He has NO motivation to change..ASIDE FROM BEING JAILED AND DESTITUTE OUT ON THE STREET. His only motivation is the two issues above. Money and staying outta jail.

We love ya hon. We want you well. But by now, Adam thinks that all he has to do is cry for a while. Go sit w/you at a lawyer, or another policeman or something...and SWEAR to do right. Swear he has ended it. Swear his family is first. And then do right a short while and poof! He is off again. OW waiting in the wings and probably being lied to AS MUCH AS YOU DANI.

I will say it again. Quit being his mom. Don't be his parole officer either. Let his actions be his undoing. BEST WAY TO HELP HIM IS TO LET HIM CRASH ON HIS OWN TERMS. Until he reaches rock bottom...and is there a while...nobody on this earth will be able to help him. Plus, we know you need to take that effort and place it somewhere better as for now...the kids, school, starting over. The world is waiting. Do you want this for another year? Week? Day?

WH is for now too far gone off deep end for much or any at all MB'ing.

Peachy,
You are right and if if it seemed like I was promoting her marriage I am sorry. I just felt it is easier you set a deadline and that it gives the BS time to see the light for herself. She has to accept that he is the toxic person he is. Plus still trying to stay in MB thought process.
Her situation has been going on awhile and she does need to remove herself from it.
So Dani, if you read my other post, and then read this one. Pay close attention to those telling you to get a new life without your husband.
You might go back to Pregnant with child of an affair Board and CD's posts (CD Collins). She did her best to keep her marriage together, and have contact with her H's "lovechild", dealing with an OW who was toxic.
She finally ended the marriage, and went to LawSchool and is now a lawyer in PA. In addition to going to LawSchool she raised her children and met a good man. She is now married again and living a happy life.
So there is life after your husband's affair, even though it may not include him.
So, for what it's worth, move on without your H. He is not doing you any favors. Sounds like Peachy has him pegged.
Take Care of yourself,
Texasgirl

((((((((((Dani))))))))))))))

This sucks, I'm so sorry. I honestly don't think he is lying when he says the things he says, I think he means them *WHEN* he says them, but he just can't live up to what he's saying. You know??? Sorta like you and I.....we talk big, "You can't do this, You can't do that" Setting up our boundaries, only to move them....we don't live up to what we say either.

You know, of anyone here, I can relate so....I'm here if you need me.....always.

-Caren

Yes, how lovely......just what this country needed.....another GD lawyer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sour...